Michael pauses between hitman jobs to TOTALLY MURDER an Egg McMuffin.

THE KILLER (2023)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. ABANDONED WEWORK OFFICE

Professional hitman MICHAEL FASSBENDER camps out in the deserted office, preparing to do a HIT JOB.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER (V/O)

That's right people this is gonna be a voiceover-palooza, because it would be almost a silent film otherwise. Anyhoo hello, I will be your unnamed homicidal protagonist for this feature. I'm currently waiting for my next target to show up, during which time I'll be repeating my various Hitman Mantras (Hitmantras?) over and over and over.

MICHAEL double-checks his SNIPER RIFLE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER (V/O)

TRUST NO ONE. THE ONLY LIFE PATH IS BEHIND YOU. ONLY DO THE MISSION YOU WERE HIRED FOR.

MICHAEL takes a minute to solve the daily NEW YORK TIMES CONNECTIONS puzzle.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER (V/O)

(intensely tapping phone)

THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES. NO EMPATHY. NO LOYALTY. ONLY THE PENITENT SHALL PASS.

MICHAEL devours a pound of HOT WINGS and then goes for a SHIT.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER (V/O)

(destroying toilet)

THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST COMMIT YOURSELF TO. TRUST NO ONE. ONLY DO THE MISSION YOU WERE HIRED FOR. HIS NAME IS ROBERT PAULSON. BREAK A DEAL AND FACE THE WHEEL.

Finally after quite a while of waiting the RICH WHITE ASSHOLE TARGET arrives in his luxurious top-storey apartment, along with a DOMINATRIX.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(peering through sniper scope)

I've only got one chance, so I need to wait for a clear shot. Perhaps when my target is alone in a large room. Having breakfast maybe. Or fuck it, RIGHT NOW when there's someone else dancing and swaying back and forth unpredictably, directly between us!

(fires)

MICHAEL however shoots the DOMINATRIX by mistake, RUH ROH!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Shit! I should take another shot before... before... I forget, what should I be taking another shot before?

(looks)

Oh right before all the target's guards seal up the place and make another shot impossible. I really am OFF my game today.

MICHAEL carefully flees the area and methodically disposes of evidence, dumping his SNIPER SCOPE in a trash bin and the RIFLE BARREL into a mailbox and his LEFT SHOE into the river and his RIGHT SHOE up someone's nose and his BULLET CASINGS carefully baked into a batch of TOMORROW'S CROISSANTS at a local bakery that seems nice but the staff are all DICKS. He calls his handler, CHARLES PARNELL.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(into phone)

Um yeah, sorry but, I missed. Remind me what happens now?

CHARLES PARNELL

Oh nothing bad, as you well know. Head home and I'll send over a big basket of "sorry you bungled your highly illegal super-sensitive killing job" flowers.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Phew!

MICHAEL goes to the AIRPORT.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER (V/O)

The key to being a successful hitman is blending in, leaving no trace, and being completely unremarkable. I leave nothing to chance and take great pains to be invisible, unmemorable, a ghost. Now to buy a ticket with one of my fake IDs that is the main character of a beloved classic sitcom, and maybe I'll blow this air horn a few times.

TICKET AGENT

Here's your boarding pass, Mr. Fonzarelli.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(setting off fireworks)

AAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

INT. MICHAEL'S EXPENSIVE HITMAN HOUSE

MICHAEL goes home to find it TRASHED and his GIRLFRIEND in hospital!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Holy shit, my handler sent people to kill me instead! ...so rather than just wait for me, they tore apart the house and brutally assaulted my girlfriend, and then... left??

(shrugs)

I guess since they were hired to kill me and failed, some OTHER hitfolk will now be sent to kill THEM, so I've got to track down MY would-be killers so I can kill them first! Which will mean the people sent to kill THEM will have failed and STILL MORE assassins will need to be hired to HEEEEHOOOOOOOOOO

(goes mad)

(deep breath)

(recovers)

Sorry, serious movie. Serious. TRUST NO ONE. FOCUS ON THE MISSION ah that's better.

MICHAEL finds his girlfriend in HOSPITAL with her BROTHER watching over her.

BROTHER

She should recover but sadly she lost the ability to have any lines of dialogue. The only clue I have is that these killers came in a taxi.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

That's it?

BROTHER

Well also, the taxi happened to be purple and only one company in town uses purple taxis, and it's a small company with only one office and one drawer of easily searchable records.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh that's better--

BROTHER

And this particular purple taxi also had neon pink polka-dots and was 300 feet tall and constantly farted HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU every ten seconds because it was a living organism whose radiant heat signature looks like Vermeer's "Girl with a Pearl Earring" and

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

OKAY OKAY I think I can find it based on that slightest of clues thanks.

MICHAEL uses his elite hitman powers to FIND the taxi and get in.

CABBIE

Oh yeah I remember taking a fare to your house, there was a big guy and a human Q-Tip. Say, why don't you just torture your handler into saying who he sent after you?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hm that would be simpler.

(kills cabbie)

CABBIE

Fuck, I was thinking more like "rewind and have this scene not even happen" but whatevs

(dead)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Only one person would be cast as a human Q-tip and that's Tilda Swinton. But I still gotta figure out who the other guy is, so guess it's off to Handlertown!

(gets on phone)

Yes, one ticket to Handlertown, for a Mr. George Jetson please and thanks.

INT. BIGSHOT LAW OFFICE

MICHAEL disguises as a TRASHPERSON to gain access to the office and the first half of this sentence takes like FIFTEEN MINUTES HOLY SHIT FINCHER, THIS ISN'T A MULTI-EPISODE SERIES JUST A SINGLE MOVIE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO PICK UP THE PACE.

CHARLES PARNELL

Hey look, I'm sorry about your girlfriend, but in my defence they were supposed to kill you afterwards so you wouldn't be alive to get all upset over it.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Fuck you. Tell me what I need to know or I'll shoot you with these NINE GAUGE NAILS har har you see the score is by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails so it's a kind of shoutout ha ha ha eh fuck it

(kills Charles)

SECRETARY

Shit! Look, I'll help you as long as you just regular kill me, not hitman disappear-kill me okay? The names and addresses of the hitfolk and client are in this Rolodex that is filed in a weird order.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

But the names and addresses themselves aren't coded or anything, just plainly written out?

SECRETARY

Yep! So this system works by filing numbers as letters. Your hitfolk were paid twenty thousand, so look under "T".

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Ah this explains why the Rolodex is crammed to bursting under O, T, F, S, E, and N, with nothing anywhere else. Fuck you might as well throw all these records into a half-dozen shoeboxes, this dumb system must have been a constant insult to your professional sensibilities. Consider your imminent neck-snapping as merciful release from this organizational travesty.

SECRETARY

Sorry consider my what now

(dead)

Upon reviewing the information it turns out the NON-Q-TIP, BIG GUY HITMAN is in... FLORIDA!

EXT. FLORIDA

MICHAEL arrives in FLORIDA to track down FLORIDA MAN.

CAR RENTAL AGENT

Hello and welcome to Florida, Mr. AdelphiabornandraisedOntheplaygroundwaswhereIspentmostofmydaysChillin'outmaxin'relaxin'allcoolAndallshootin'somebballoutsideoftheschoolWhenacoupleofguyswhowereuptonogoodStartedmakingtroubleinmyneighborhoodIgotinonelittlefightandmymomgotscaredShesaidYou'removin'withyourauntieanduncleinBelAir!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Call me Phil.

(grins)

MICHAEL goes to the address of FLORIDA MAN which is nestled snugly in the ALLIGATOR LIQUOR STORE ROBBERY DISTRICT.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hm this guy is super big and tough and a trained killer. Perhaps I should lie in wait with a rifle or some sort of distance weapon, which we established is a preferred technique of mine... but then again we haven't had a proper fight scene yet so I'd better go in there.

MICHAEL drugs the GUARD DOG and sneaks in towards the bedroom, unaware that his quarry was staying up late doing RACISM SCRATCH LOTTO TICKETS! They FIGHT and eventually MICHAEL kills him with SEASHELLS GLUED TOGETHER TO MAKE A LITTLE FIGURINE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Phew! Now to get Tilda who is in another city. Looks like a job for

(rummages through passports)

Flo Kissmygrits!

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT IN ANOTHER, FANCIER, CITY

MICHAEL finds TILDA having a very fancy meal at a very fancy restaurant indeed.

TILDA SWINTON

Oh my, you're here to murder me. You won't try anything here will you? It's very fancy.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(says nothing)

TILDA SWINTON

It's just, this place is much too fancy for us to duel to the death. Just look at this foie gras. So fancy.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(silent)

TILDA SWINTON

Care to join in on this dialogue any time soon?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh, it's just that I also have Next Goal Wins opening this week and it's all quippy and upbeat so I want to be sure to contrast with that. I'm going for a Solo Barbenheimer.

TILDA SWINTON

I see. Well if you're going to play it all cool here, I guess the worst thing I could do is follow you to a secluded spot, so off we go!

MICHAEL and TILDA leave the fancy restaurant and walk over to a nice out-of-the-way spot.

TILDA SWINTON

Oops my heel broke haha! Would you mind taking my hand and putting yourself off-balance while my other unseen hand does nothing at all suspicious?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Don't know why you're appealing to the social graces of a sociopath but

(shoots Tilda)

INT. EXPENSIVE CONDO

Having dispatched the ASSASSINS we now move on to the thrilling finale of MICHAEL taking on the idiot doofus CLIENT who is obviously no threat at all. MICHAEL gains access to the posh expensive condo building using DOORDASH so just remember that next time you're tempted to use UBEREATS, your Southwest Chicken Sandwich might come with a side order of GETTING SHOT IN THE THROAT.

CLIENT

(sees Michael)

Ohgod I'm sorry! I just hired the services of a professional killer, I had no idea it might lead to more killing!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Yeah you're rich enough to be that dumb. I will let you off with a warning THIS time, I've got a beach and silent girlfriend waiting. Don't make me come back here, mostly because I don't know if people will want to watch another two hours of my homicidal meditations.

CLIENT

What, you think Netflix gives a shit? Gotta fill those thumbnail boxes yo!

NETFLIX (V/O)

THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES. ONLY DO THE MISSION YOU WERE HIRED FOR. TRUST NO ONE. NO EMPATHY. NO LOYALTY. THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST COMMIT YOURSELF TO. EVERYTHING EXCEPT STRANGER THINGS IS CANCELLED, SIGN UP NOW FOR MONEY HEIST: THE CHALLENGE SEASON ONE.

END

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