FADE IN:

EXT. AFRICAN CONGO - NINETEENTH CENTURY

CHRISTOPH WALTZ (playing his 100th villain) leads an expedition of SOLIDERS through the mist. Suddenly, they're attacked by TRIBESMEN!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Aaargh! We're being slaughtered!

DJIMON HOUNSON

Yes, my men have found a counter for your heavy machine guns! The "running up to your soldiers and punching them" technique!

Eventually, all the BELGIANS are dead except CHRISTOPH.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Whew, that's lucky. I'm glad the one guy who didn't get killed was the main villain.

DJIMON HOUNSON

Why did you come here, Christoph?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Belgium has assembled an army to enslave the Congo, but we've run out of money. So we've come for your tribe's diamonds.

DJIMON HOUNSON

I see. You've come to take them by force!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No, no. We're willing to ask politely for them. Pretty please?

DJIMON HOUNSON

But...you already have an army. You don't care about our lives. What's stopping Belgium from just killing us and pinching our stuff?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Not sure. It's pretty clear my King and I are racist bastards who would slaughter the entire Congo for a fast buck. But we're willing to jump through hoops in this case.

DJIMON HOUNSON

Fine. In that case I want you to bring me Tarzan. Or Alexander Skarsgard, as he's being called now.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Okay, I'll see if I can find him swinging somewhere through the jun-

INT. NUMBER 10, DOWNING STREET - THE MOST MISERABLE WEATHER YOU COUD IMAGINE (SO...SAME OLD, SAME OLD)

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD is a posh aristocrat sitting in a meeting with JIM BROADBENT.

JIM BROADBENT

Huh? Wha...? Aren't we going to show you being abandoned in the jungle as a baby? Being raised by apes? Becoming an ape-man? Meeting Jane...?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Nope! This movie is probably the only one of many, many Tarzan adaptations to remember that being raised in the wild is only a tiny part of the twenty-three Tarzan novels.

JIM BROADBENT

Awesome! So what part of the Tarzan mythos are we exploring now? Fighting dinosaurs? Journeying to the center of the Earth? Fighting in World War Two?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Er, we thought we'd just do more swinging through the African jungle. Right after we get through this dreary bureaucratic haggling.

JIM BROADBENT

Alright, to business. Samuel L. Jackson wants you to go down to the Congo to inspect the railways and stuff Belgium's built.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Why me?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(actual line)

You're Africa's favourite son!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

(beat)

All of Africa? Not just the one region from the one country I'm from? Does Africa not have any other sons to call-

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Look, the point is you're Tarzan! Just get to the Congo!

INT. ALEXANDER SKARSGARD'S MANISION

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD returns to meet his wife, MARGOT ROBBIE.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Oh, won't it be wonderful to be back in the jungle? Tarzan and Jane, adventuring once more!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Don't use that name! I've turned my back on my Tarzan identity.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Why?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

I think it's because my late father wanted me to see England as my true home, but that's only mentioned in passing and then never again, so...

(shrugs)

MARGOT ROBBIE

Er...well, I'LL find it nice to be back in the jungle! That's where I was born and raised.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

You're not going.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Why not?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

I think it's because we lost a baby, but that's never referenced or mentioned again so....

(shrugs)

MARGOT ROBBIE

How did your character become so depressing and convoluted so quickly? You're fucking Tarzan!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Nevertheless, you're not going to Africa.

MARGOT ROBBIE

(climbs a tree)

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Oh, okay. I'm convinced.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Glad we sorted this dead baby stuff out quick.

EXT. FLASHBACK

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD'S DAD is trying to survive in the jungle.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD'S DAD

This IS a Tarzan origin story after all. MOTHERFUCKER.

EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH

ALEXANDER, MARGOT and SAMUEL trek through the PLAINS.

MARGOT ROBBIE

The washed-out colour scheme seems to have faded, so we must have left Britain. Yay continent-specific colours!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Don't look so happy. Remember, we're only here because I suspect Christoph Waltz is trying to enslave half of Africa.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Yes, because half the Tarzan novels were either about him saving Africans or being superior to Africans. I'm glad we're only doing the first one.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

(avoids eye contact)

Suddenly, LIONS!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Oh no!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Don't worry, these are the exact same lions I knew as a child!

MARGOT ROBBIE

It's lucky for us the Congo contains only a few of each animal or we might have been SERIOUSLY in trouble!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Wait, didn't you say you were raised by gorillas? What were you doing with lions? How shitty is the animal kingdom Social Services?

They reach a small VILLAGE.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

We know for a fact that Christoph Waltz and his security agents will be looking for us. Is this place off the grid?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Don't worry, it's only the place where Margot was raised as a child and I learned the ways of civilization!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(burying his face in his hands)

Oh dear God. This could not be any worse.

VILLAGE LEADER

Hello Samuel! Welcome to our village where we jump at any opportunity to tell people about Tarzan! Have I mentioned we composed a song about him? The entire village loves to sing it!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

...why did I open my mouth?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Colonialism aside, it is kind of awesome that the main character has his own in-universe theme song.

That NIGHT, the VILLAGERS all line up to kiss ALEXANDER'S ass.

MARGOT ROBBIE

So, Samuel. Would you like to hear the origin of Alexander?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

No thank you. I think everyone knows that.

MARGOT ROBBIE

He was left in the jungle as an infant...

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

We explained this at the beginning! Hell, I explained it at the beginning!

MARGOT ROBBIE

Let me give you a flashback...

EXT. FLASHBACK

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD swings on a vine.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

I'm king of the CGI animals!

EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Thank you. That added a lot.

The VILLAGE is attacked by CHRISTOPH WALTZ and his HENCHMEN!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Oh yeah. Everyone knows where I live. Shit.

(captured)

SUDDENLY, SAMUEL L JACKSON remembers he is SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON!

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

(effortlessly gunning down goons)

Oh yeah! Who the hell relegated me to exposition duty?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Nice work Samuel. But while you rescued me they've kidnapped Margot. So...

EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE - NEXT DAY

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

...we're going to hitch a ride on that train full of slaves to their location.

SAMUEL L JACKSON

But how are we going to get past the gun-wielding soldiers on the train?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Simple. I'll use the magical vine that keeps pace alongside a train moving eighty miles per hour while I swing back and forth to knock out the soldiers one by one.

(does so)

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

But how are we going to get past the gun-wielding soldiers INSIDE the train?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Simple. I'll just fistfight them one at a time while the others stand around watching.

(does so)

Hey, I appreciate you not using your gun to help me, thereby not highlighting that they could have shot me anytime.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

No problem.

The TRAIN takes them to a different JUNGLE.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Now we must travel by foot.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Hey, I gotta ask. Can you really talk to apes?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

(laughing)

Don't be silly! This is a SERIOUS Tarzan movie!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I hate to break it to you Alex, but you can't have a realistic Tarzan movie anymore than you could have a realistic Superman movie. You may as well just embrace it.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Nonsense! This is a serious, gritty, totally realistic adaptation where nothing happens that couldn't in real life!

SUDDENLY, our HEROES are ambushed by APES!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Oh shit! That lead gorilla used to be my step-brother! He thinks I betrayed them by leaving and wants to evoke trial by combat!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Apes understand trial by combat? I thought this you said this was-

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

It IS a serious Tarzan movie Samuel! It IS!

(takes off shirt)

Now watch me fistfight a gorilla.

ALEXANDER is beaten, pounded, bitten, punched, crunched, slammed, sliced, turned into rissole, tossed into the sun, and generally manhandled.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Oh God...I have a smidge of blood on my forehead...and another smidge of blood on my shoulder. Truly, no one has ever been in this much pain.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(tearfully)

What'll help you buddy?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Maybe a story to take my mind off the pain.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Alright. When I was a solider back home, I committed dozens of atrocities against Native Americans.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

(beat)

You know, when people walked into the latest Tarzan movie, I bet they weren't expecting this level of ethnic cleansing.

EXT. RIVER

MARGOT is swimming to safety.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Aha! I've escap-

(recaptured)

FUCK. What was the point of that?

EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE

ALEXANDER and SAMUEL are trekking to CHRISTOPH'S LOCATION.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

So any side effects from that gorilla beating that will no doubt come into play at the most dramatic-

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Nope! All healed.

(does a cartwheel)

DJIMON HOUNSON appears with his ARMY.

DJIMON HOUNSON

Tarzan! Prepare to die you murderous swine!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Pfft. I'll kick your ass right after I fistfight your henchmen one-by-one.

DJIMON HOUNSON

Ha, nice try. Henchmen! Attack him all at once!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

(being overwhelmed)

What the hell? Stop cheating!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

All of you, stop! We need to work together to stop Christoph from wiping out Djimon's people to steal their diamonds!

DJIMON HOUNSON

But they already have our diamonds!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Er...well they'll use their army to steal MORE diamonds.

DJIMON HOUNSON

...why would they go to all the trouble of negotiating with us and luring Tarzan to this exact spot just for me if they could just pinch our stuff anyway?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Look the climax is about to start. Just forgive me for murdering your son already. We could really use your "running up and punching them" technique.

EXT. COLONIAL DOCKS

CHRISTOPH WALTZ is about to hand over the DIAMONDS to the MASSIVE FLEET OF MERCENARIES off the coast when the colony is attacked by DJIMON'S ARMY!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Nope!

But we just established...

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Nuh uh! The colony gets attacked by a herd of wildebeest I summoned!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I thought you couldn't talk to-

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

We gotta go! Margot needs rescuing!

(runs through the stampede)

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Look, I can sorta buy how Tarzan could casually stroll through a stampede and not get flattened, but how am I not a pancake?

(once again remembers he is Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson)

Oh yeah!

(mows down Belgians like they were ducks in a shooting gallery)

MARGOT and CHRISTOPH flee the carnage!

MARGOT ROBBIE

(triumphantly)

You may think that my brief escape and recapture gave nothing to the story, but I told one native about your plot, and look! They've assembled an army!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Oh shit! Are my army and your army going to fight?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Uh...

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I take it that's a no.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Yeah, no.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Ah! So I take it they herded up the wildebeest that destroyed our town...?

MARGOT ROBBIE

Wrong! They stand on top of a hill! Menacingly! Your days are numbered buddy!

ALEXANDER corners CHRISTOPH on his boat.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Give up Alex. I have a bracelet-whip.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

And I have only abs that could grind meat. Damn.

(captured)

(dragged across the boat like a ragdoll)

But I do have one ace up my imaginary sleeve..

(makes weird noises)

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

What are you doing?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Summoning a float of crocodiles!

(yes, they're called "a float")

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

So you CAN talk to animals!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

I CAN NOT TALK TO ANIMALS! I'm doing a mating call! It's completely different!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Suuuuure it is.

(eaten)

The CONGO is saved!

EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE

ALEXANDER is living in a treehouse with MARGOT and their NEW BABY.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

I'm finally happy! I've reconnected with Margot, my ape family and the untamed jungle! And best of all, I've saved the Congo from Belgium!

HISTORY

Er...

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Look, don't ruin this for me.

END.