The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. AFRICAN CONGO - NINETEENTH CENTURY
CHRISTOPH WALTZ (playing his 100th villain) leads an expedition of SOLIDERS through the mist. Suddenly, they're attacked by TRIBESMEN!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Aaargh! We're being slaughtered!
DJIMON HOUNSON
Yes, my men have found a counter for your heavy machine guns! The "running up to your soldiers and punching them" technique!
Eventually, all the BELGIANS are dead except CHRISTOPH.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Whew, that's lucky. I'm glad the one guy who didn't get killed was the main villain.
DJIMON HOUNSON
Why did you come here, Christoph?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Belgium has assembled an army to enslave the Congo, but we've run out of money. So we've come for your tribe's diamonds.
DJIMON HOUNSON
I see. You've come to take them by force!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
No, no. We're willing to ask politely for them. Pretty please?
DJIMON HOUNSON
But...you already have an army. You don't care about our lives. What's stopping Belgium from just killing us and pinching our stuff?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Not sure. It's pretty clear my King and I are racist bastards who would slaughter the entire Congo for a fast buck. But we're willing to jump through hoops in this case.
DJIMON HOUNSON
Fine. In that case I want you to bring me Tarzan. Or Alexander Skarsgard, as he's being called now.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Okay, I'll see if I can find him swinging somewhere through the jun-
INT. NUMBER 10, DOWNING STREET - THE MOST MISERABLE WEATHER YOU COUD IMAGINE (SO...SAME OLD, SAME OLD)
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD is a posh aristocrat sitting in a meeting with JIM BROADBENT.
JIM BROADBENT
Huh? Wha...? Aren't we going to show you being abandoned in the jungle as a baby? Being raised by apes? Becoming an ape-man? Meeting Jane...?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Nope! This movie is probably the only one of many, many Tarzan adaptations to remember that being raised in the wild is only a tiny part of the twenty-three Tarzan novels.
JIM BROADBENT
Awesome! So what part of the Tarzan mythos are we exploring now? Fighting dinosaurs? Journeying to the center of the Earth? Fighting in World War Two?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Er, we thought we'd just do more swinging through the African jungle. Right after we get through this dreary bureaucratic haggling.
JIM BROADBENT
Alright, to business. Samuel L. Jackson wants you to go down to the Congo to inspect the railways and stuff Belgium's built.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Why me?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
(actual line)
You're Africa's favourite son!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
(beat)
All of Africa? Not just the one region from the one country I'm from? Does Africa not have any other sons to call-
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Look, the point is you're Tarzan! Just get to the Congo!
INT. ALEXANDER SKARSGARD'S MANISION
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD returns to meet his wife, MARGOT ROBBIE.
MARGOT ROBBIE
Oh, won't it be wonderful to be back in the jungle? Tarzan and Jane, adventuring once more!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Don't use that name! I've turned my back on my Tarzan identity.
MARGOT ROBBIE
Why?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
I think it's because my late father wanted me to see England as my true home, but that's only mentioned in passing and then never again, so...
(shrugs)
MARGOT ROBBIE
Er...well, I'LL find it nice to be back in the jungle! That's where I was born and raised.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
You're not going.
MARGOT ROBBIE
Why not?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
I think it's because we lost a baby, but that's never referenced or mentioned again so....
(shrugs)
MARGOT ROBBIE
How did your character become so depressing and convoluted so quickly? You're fucking Tarzan!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Nevertheless, you're not going to Africa.
MARGOT ROBBIE
(climbs a tree)
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Oh, okay. I'm convinced.
MARGOT ROBBIE
Glad we sorted this dead baby stuff out quick.
EXT. FLASHBACK
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD'S DAD is trying to survive in the jungle.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD'S DAD
This IS a Tarzan origin story after all. MOTHERFUCKER.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
ALEXANDER, MARGOT and SAMUEL trek through the PLAINS.
MARGOT ROBBIE
The washed-out colour scheme seems to have faded, so we must have left Britain. Yay continent-specific colours!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Don't look so happy. Remember, we're only here because I suspect Christoph Waltz is trying to enslave half of Africa.
MARGOT ROBBIE
Yes, because half the Tarzan novels were either about him saving Africans or being superior to Africans. I'm glad we're only doing the first one.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
(avoids eye contact)
Suddenly, LIONS!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Oh no!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Don't worry, these are the exact same lions I knew as a child!
MARGOT ROBBIE
It's lucky for us the Congo contains only a few of each animal or we might have been SERIOUSLY in trouble!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Wait, didn't you say you were raised by gorillas? What were you doing with lions? How shitty is the animal kingdom Social Services?
They reach a small VILLAGE.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We know for a fact that Christoph Waltz and his security agents will be looking for us. Is this place off the grid?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Don't worry, it's only the place where Margot was raised as a child and I learned the ways of civilization!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
(burying his face in his hands)
Oh dear God. This could not be any worse.
VILLAGE LEADER
Hello Samuel! Welcome to our village where we jump at any opportunity to tell people about Tarzan! Have I mentioned we composed a song about him? The entire village loves to sing it!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
...why did I open my mouth?
MARGOT ROBBIE
Colonialism aside, it is kind of awesome that the main character has his own in-universe theme song.
That NIGHT, the VILLAGERS all line up to kiss ALEXANDER'S ass.
MARGOT ROBBIE
So, Samuel. Would you like to hear the origin of Alexander?
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No thank you. I think everyone knows that.
MARGOT ROBBIE
He was left in the jungle as an infant...
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
We explained this at the beginning! Hell, I explained it at the beginning!
MARGOT ROBBIE
Let me give you a flashback...
EXT. FLASHBACK
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD swings on a vine.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
I'm king of the CGI animals!
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Thank you. That added a lot.
The VILLAGE is attacked by CHRISTOPH WALTZ and his HENCHMEN!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Oh yeah. Everyone knows where I live. Shit.
(captured)
SUDDENLY, SAMUEL L JACKSON remembers he is SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON!
SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
(effortlessly gunning down goons)
Oh yeah! Who the hell relegated me to exposition duty?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Nice work Samuel. But while you rescued me they've kidnapped Margot. So...
EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE - NEXT DAY
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
...we're going to hitch a ride on that train full of slaves to their location.
SAMUEL L JACKSON
But how are we going to get past the gun-wielding soldiers on the train?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Simple. I'll use the magical vine that keeps pace alongside a train moving eighty miles per hour while I swing back and forth to knock out the soldiers one by one.
(does so)
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
But how are we going to get past the gun-wielding soldiers INSIDE the train?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Simple. I'll just fistfight them one at a time while the others stand around watching.
(does so)
Hey, I appreciate you not using your gun to help me, thereby not highlighting that they could have shot me anytime.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No problem.
The TRAIN takes them to a different JUNGLE.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Now we must travel by foot.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Hey, I gotta ask. Can you really talk to apes?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
(laughing)
Don't be silly! This is a SERIOUS Tarzan movie!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I hate to break it to you Alex, but you can't have a realistic Tarzan movie anymore than you could have a realistic Superman movie. You may as well just embrace it.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Nonsense! This is a serious, gritty, totally realistic adaptation where nothing happens that couldn't in real life!
SUDDENLY, our HEROES are ambushed by APES!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Oh shit! That lead gorilla used to be my step-brother! He thinks I betrayed them by leaving and wants to evoke trial by combat!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Apes understand trial by combat? I thought this you said this was-
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
It IS a serious Tarzan movie Samuel! It IS!
(takes off shirt)
Now watch me fistfight a gorilla.
ALEXANDER is beaten, pounded, bitten, punched, crunched, slammed, sliced, turned into rissole, tossed into the sun, and generally manhandled.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Oh God...I have a smidge of blood on my forehead...and another smidge of blood on my shoulder. Truly, no one has ever been in this much pain.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
(tearfully)
What'll help you buddy?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Maybe a story to take my mind off the pain.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Alright. When I was a solider back home, I committed dozens of atrocities against Native Americans.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
(beat)
You know, when people walked into the latest Tarzan movie, I bet they weren't expecting this level of ethnic cleansing.
EXT. RIVER
MARGOT is swimming to safety.
MARGOT ROBBIE
Aha! I've escap-
(recaptured)
FUCK. What was the point of that?
EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE
ALEXANDER and SAMUEL are trekking to CHRISTOPH'S LOCATION.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
So any side effects from that gorilla beating that will no doubt come into play at the most dramatic-
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Nope! All healed.
(does a cartwheel)
DJIMON HOUNSON appears with his ARMY.
DJIMON HOUNSON
Tarzan! Prepare to die you murderous swine!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Pfft. I'll kick your ass right after I fistfight your henchmen one-by-one.
DJIMON HOUNSON
Ha, nice try. Henchmen! Attack him all at once!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
(being overwhelmed)
What the hell? Stop cheating!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
All of you, stop! We need to work together to stop Christoph from wiping out Djimon's people to steal their diamonds!
DJIMON HOUNSON
But they already have our diamonds!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Er...well they'll use their army to steal MORE diamonds.
DJIMON HOUNSON
...why would they go to all the trouble of negotiating with us and luring Tarzan to this exact spot just for me if they could just pinch our stuff anyway?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Look the climax is about to start. Just forgive me for murdering your son already. We could really use your "running up and punching them" technique.
EXT. COLONIAL DOCKS
CHRISTOPH WALTZ is about to hand over the DIAMONDS to the MASSIVE FLEET OF MERCENARIES off the coast when the colony is attacked by DJIMON'S ARMY!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Nope!
But we just established...
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Nuh uh! The colony gets attacked by a herd of wildebeest I summoned!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I thought you couldn't talk to-
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
We gotta go! Margot needs rescuing!
(runs through the stampede)
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Look, I can sorta buy how Tarzan could casually stroll through a stampede and not get flattened, but how am I not a pancake?
(once again remembers he is Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson)
Oh yeah!
(mows down Belgians like they were ducks in a shooting gallery)
MARGOT and CHRISTOPH flee the carnage!
MARGOT ROBBIE
(triumphantly)
You may think that my brief escape and recapture gave nothing to the story, but I told one native about your plot, and look! They've assembled an army!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Oh shit! Are my army and your army going to fight?
MARGOT ROBBIE
Uh...
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I take it that's a no.
MARGOT ROBBIE
Yeah, no.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Ah! So I take it they herded up the wildebeest that destroyed our town...?
MARGOT ROBBIE
Wrong! They stand on top of a hill! Menacingly! Your days are numbered buddy!
ALEXANDER corners CHRISTOPH on his boat.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Give up Alex. I have a bracelet-whip.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
And I have only abs that could grind meat. Damn.
(captured)
(dragged across the boat like a ragdoll)
But I do have one ace up my imaginary sleeve..
(makes weird noises)
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
What are you doing?
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Summoning a float of crocodiles!
(yes, they're called "a float")
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
So you CAN talk to animals!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
I CAN NOT TALK TO ANIMALS! I'm doing a mating call! It's completely different!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Suuuuure it is.
(eaten)
The CONGO is saved!
EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE
ALEXANDER is living in a treehouse with MARGOT and their NEW BABY.
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
I'm finally happy! I've reconnected with Margot, my ape family and the untamed jungle! And best of all, I've saved the Congo from Belgium!
HISTORY
Er...
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD
Look, don't ruin this for me.
END.