FADE IN:

EXT. CHICAGO - 1971

KID KURT RUSSELL and his brother KID BILLY BALDWIN are playing in a FIREHOUSE when the ALARM sounds! BILLY THE KID is taken to the FIRE by their DAD, played by newcomer FURT MUSSELL who is actually KURT RUSSELL with WEIRD SHIT DONE TO HIS FACE.

KURT RUSSELL

Yep, I'm playing my own Dad! Which explains all the strange makeup choices to make me look sliiiightly different. Like, what's the deal with these eyebrows?!?

(shrugs)

But really I had to do this role, since there are zero working film actors who could plausibly be a relative of Billy Baldwin.

They arrive at the FIRE and DAD-KURT begins FIGHTING the FIRE!

KURT RUSSELL

Look how awesome I am! I can do a super dangerous leap to this balcony one second before the ladder gets here anyway! Now to head inside and save people!

YOUNG BILLY BALDWIN

Yay! Go Dad! You show that gas leak who's boss!

KURT RUSSELL

Sorry what now?

(explodes!)

The GAS LEAK EXPLOSION totes KILLS DAD-KURT!! His HELMET is flung clear where it lands symbolically at the feet of YOUNG BILLY, who picks it up and is immediately put on the cover of LIFE MAGAZINE. Those helmets sure have a flair for the dramatic.

INT. A BAR IN CHICAGO - TWENTY YEARS LATER, IN THE BOLD NEW FUTURE OF 1991

BILLY BALDWIN is now all GROWN UP and celebrating his graduation from FIREFIGHTERS ACADEMY.

BARTENDER

So this gonna go better than any of your other crazy schemes? Pager sales, Scrunchie repair, professional pants pleater?

BILLY BALDWIN

This time's different! I'm gonna find out what I'm really made of, reconcile with my brother, resolve all kinds of personal issues. I mean this thing's like 2 hours 20, right? Plenty of time I figure.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Well well if it isn't my old friend Billy Baldwin! It's been ages, we should catch up some time.

(bats eyelashes)

BILLY BALDWIN

That sounds great, maybe we OH WHOOPS BEING SPRAYED DOWN BY MY BUDDY'S POWERFUL THICK HOSE, SORRY GOTTA GRAPPLE WITH HIM IN OUR WET CLINGY CLOTHES FOR A BIT, YOU UNDERSTAND, HAHA C'MERE YOU SLIPPERY RASCAL

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

(blinks)

Okay then.

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN DOWNTOWN CHICAGO

Meanwhile a SUIT GUY arrives home from work, opens the door to his house and--say, did you check for heat first?

SUIT GUY

Sorry what now?

(exploooodes!!!!!)

OH FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU

EXT. THE WATERFRONT

BILLY goes to talk with brother KURT who lives on a BUSTED-ASS OLD BOAT.

BILLY BALDWIN

Hi Kurt, I went by your house and Rebecca de Mornay said she booted your ass out, so I thought the next most likely place was this decrepit shithole of rotting wood and OH COOL WHAT ARE ALL THESE STRANGE CHEMICALS OVER HERE KURT?!??

(winks)

KURT RUSSELL

OH NOTHING DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT BILLY, THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO AUDIENCE

(winks)

I heard you tried getting yourself assigned to some cushy out-of-the-way department, which, how does that jibe with your whole "learn what I'm truly made of" mission? Anyway I switched it so you'll be in MY firehouse, because face it, that's where all the plot and character development are.

EXT. CHICAGO - THE NEXT DAY

BILLY leaves his apartment by the EL TRAIN, which according to movies runs past EVERY SINGLE APARTMENT IN ALL OF CHICAGO, and gets into his CRAPPY SHIT BMW to head to work. But his PIECE OF GARBAGE BMW won't start, that UTTER FUCKING TRASH EXCUSE FOR A VEHICLE!

BILLY BALDWIN

Shit! Must run to firehouse!

He gets there just as the CREW are leaving for a FIRE! BILLY must jump onto the TRUCK as it goes by and put on his GEAR which they helpfully loaded onto the truck for him.

SCOTT GLENN

Rough start to your first day kid. I'll look out for you though, I fought fires with your Dad. I was even in that first scene, but I got away with just a goofy wig, thank fuck.

They arrive at the BUILDING which is on RATHER A LOT OF FIRE!

BILLY BALDWIN

So I guess this is where we put on our masks and full gear, due to the deadly smoke and searing heat that we'll find inside...

KURT RUSSELL

Maybe YOU will noob but I say FUCK THAT!! You can't show the FIRE you're AFRAID!!

BILLY BALDWIN

I'm sorry what bullshit is this?

KURT RUSSELL

In THIS squad we repel heat and smoke with STEELY EYES and PURE TESTOSTERONE, you hear me?!? Now LET'S DO THIS!!

KURT, BILLY, SCOTT, and the SQUAD charge in to FIGHT the FIRE!

KURT RUSSELL

FUCK YOU FIRE

(throws burning chair out window)

EAT MY COLD SHIT

(noogies open flame)

(kicks smoke cloud in nards)

Part of the FLOOR collapses and one of the squad FALLS--but KURT GRABS his arm!

KURT RUSSELL

IF YOU GO--WE GO!! NEVER SPLIT UP, NEVER SURRENDER! I WILL FIND YOUUUUU

Elsewhere BILLY hears a cry for help, and decides to BREAK the cardinal rule and LEAVE the group!! BILLY finds an unconscious victim and carries her to SAFETY, but once outside--

SCOTT GLENN

Hey asshole, that's a mannequin! Way to go rookie! Har har!

BILLY BALDWIN

What?! I swear she was Kim Cattrall when I found her.

KURT RUSSELL

You got LUCKY Billy! You NEVER! LEAVE! Your WINGMEN!! Grr!

At that moment, Councilman J.T. WALSH arrives with his aide, JENNIFER JASON LEIGH WHAAAA?!

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Well I was gonna mention that before Billy got into his big floppy hose-wrestling match...

KURT RUSSELL

You suck, J.T. Walsh! Your characters are always up to shit! Fuck you!

J.T. WALSH

You see the indicator blinking in the corner of your eye? That's your career about to run out. Heh heh. Oh fuck that's a perfect line to be turned against me ironically later. Dammit! Why do I never learn?!

Also on the scene is FIRE MARSHAL ROBERT DE NIRO!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Oh don't mind me, I'm just over here starring in a much more interesting movie. Feel free to drop in later.

INT. FIREHOUSE

Back at the house BILLY has a full-dorsal-nudity shower immediately beside fellow prospect JASON GEDRICK.

JASON GEDRICK

I love firefighting! I'm just so full of life and hope and enthusiasm for my future long career fighting fires as a firefighter!

BILLY BALDWIN

Oh wow you are sooooooooo dead. Can I borrow a thousand bucks till next week?

INT. FANCY RETIREMENT PARTY FOR SOME FUCKING GUY

All the FIREFIGHTERS get spiffed up for the big party for some asshole.

J.T. WALSH

So Billy, the press decided you rescued a human instead of a mannequin, because you were on the cover of LIFE and now you're a big hero.

BILLY BALDWIN

I'm telling you she's Kim Cattrall! There was this ancient curse-

J.T. WALSH

So I was thinking, we got this high-profile case of possible arson. And then I thought maybe our newest big rat, I mean spy, I mean hero, should be part of it. I wanna give you a job in the Marshal's office with Bob de Niro.

BILLY BALDWIN

Hm, I did hear his movie's more interesting. But then again Kurt hates you, and I want to follow his shining example as best I can so he'll respect me.

KURT RUSSELL

(gets shitfaced and starts drunken brawl, further alienating estranged wife)

J.T. WALSH

Yeah you let me know if you ever rethink that.

EXT. TRANING MONTAGE!!

BILLY does lots of training and gets better at doing FIREFIGHTER STUFF!

SCOTT GLENN

No no no, that's not how you cool off! You gotta hold the thick surging hose RIGHT UP to your eager gaping mouth dammit! Now let it gush on you while arching your neck, THAT'S better!

The montage culminates with BILLY grabbing his HOSE and KURT grabbing his BIGGER HOSE and them have a BIG HOSE RACE up flights of STAIRS to see who can get their BIG HOSE UP FASTER!

KURT RUSSELL

Heh, good symbolism there kid. Now roll 'em both up and pack 'em away.

BILLY BALDWIN

What? Fuck you! You can't stop busting my balls for two seconds can you?

KURT RUSSELL

I mean, I did slice my fucking leg open on the way up here. So yeah, I am excusing myself and my severely injured leg from hose-rolling duty.

BILLY BALDWIN

Oooooh!! This is making it very difficult to reach our brotherly reconciliation!!

KURT RUSSELL

Maybe another fire will help. Cue fire!

INT. ANOTHER BURNING BUILDING

KURT and BILLY reach the building FIRST!

KURT RUSSELL

There's no time! We gotta get in there!

BILLY BALDWIN

What about the cardinal rule of never splitting up, don't leave the team and all that? You got pretty angry before when-

KURT RUSSELL

FUCK YOUR CARDINAL RULE SHIT, NO BLAZE EXPECTS THE RUSSELL INQUISITION

KURT charges right into the FIRE-CONSUMED ROOM where his EYEBALLS MELT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF HIS CHARRED HEAD he BACKHAND-SLAPS THE FIRE OUTTA HIS WAY and RESCUES A TINY KID ALL BY HIS GODDAMN SELF, BECAUSE THERE'S NO FUCK YOU IN TEAM

BILLY BALDWIN

Yeah maybe it's time to check out de Niro's movie.

INT. FIRE MARSHAL'S OFFICE

BILLY reports to work with ROBERT DE NIRO, who changes SHIRTS so that we can see the INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF SCARS ALL OVER HIS BODY YET NOT ANYWHERE ON HIS FACE that he has.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Before we can get to work on the interesting shit, we gotta go crash Donald Sutherland's parole hearing because he WILL NOT stop whispering all his fucking lines and it PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. C'mon.

After making sure that notorious arsonist DON stays in the DON JAIL, the two Marshals respond to a new FIRE CRIME SCENE!

INT. BURNED TO SHIT THEATRE

BOBBY and BILLY search for CLUES.

BILLY BALDWIN

I just talked to the cops and this looks a lot like that earlier scene. Apparently the owner had just enough time to say "Sorry what now?" before getting blowed up.

ROBERT DE NIRO

That's not all. Both explosions were caused by... a BACKDRAFT!

BILLY BALDWIN

What seriously? ...a BACKDRAFT?!!??

ROBERT DE NIRO

That's right... someone's murdering people by using...

(whirls to face camera)

...BACKDRAFT!!!

(pause)

Also this particular kind of magnesium I found, but that's not the title so it's not nearly as fun.

BILL BALDWIN

No, not nearly as dramatic as...

(spins round)

(triple-takes)

(points at camera)

BACKDRAFT!!!!!!!

BACKDRAFT

(peeks out from behind curtain in background)

(grins evilly)

INT. FIREHOUSE

Later, BILLY takes JENNIFER to see the FIREHOUSE. They climb up on a FIRE ENGINE and start getting BIZZ-AHHH on the hard lumpy layers of polyester-fibre firehose.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

This is so hot! Let me quickly strip off my bra but not my shirt!

BILLY BALDWIN

Oh man, the only way to make this sexier would be to intercut it with even more scenes of manly men fighting fire!! Y'know, come to think of it...

INT. BURNING HOTEL OF FIRE

Indeed, as this is happening, KURT'S CREW are called to fight ANOTHER FIRE!

KURT RUSSELL

I know people disapprove of me charging recklessly into danger alone. So THIS time I'm gonna charge recklessly into danger with nobody but new recruit Jason Gedrick! Remember him?

SCOTT GLENN

Dammit Kurt you're breaking the cardinal rule about not splitting up, yet again! Just, if you insist on doing this, try to avoid room 1302 for no reason okay?

KURT RUSSELL

Okay rookie! Check that door for heat! Now that one! Ah this is going swimmingly. I'm sure I can look elsewhere for two seconds and you won't forget about checking doors for heat.

JASON GEDRICK

Sorry what now?

(explooooodes!!!!)

BACKDRAFT

BWAH HA HA I HAVE CLAIMED ANOTHER VICTIM, THAT'S RIGHT KURT, SOON THE NAME BACKDRAFT WILL ENTER THE PANTHEON OF GREAT MOVIE VILLAINS ALONGSIDE FREDDY AND DRACULA

JASON is rushed to HOSPITAL where the doctors desperately try to save him with 50 cc's of GLARING STERNLY AT KURT, but it is NO USE!! ROBERT investigates the blast and reports to J.T. WALSH.

J.T. WALSH

It's a damn shame that kid died, responding to the THIRD murder-by-backdraft scene with that THIRD guy who was clearly targeted due to his shady business dealings with the other two guys and perhaps me, if I were involved with shady business dealings that is.

ROBERT DE NIRO

(narrows eyes)

Hmmmmm.

INT. REBECCA DE MORNAY'S HOUSE

KURT shows up and is SUPER SAD about everything, so REBECCA decides to engage in some PITY BIZZ-AAAHHH with KURT. The next morning KURT makes breakfast with their KID.

KID

I'm gonna mix this jar of blueberries with pancake batter and mustard and champagne vinegar and olive oil and paprika and taco shells and

KURT RUSSELL

Har har, you're hilarious! I'm sure Rebecca will find your utter wasting of hard-earned food equally hilarious. Don't forget the pork loin!

REBECCA DE MORNAY

(entering)

I'm sorry Kurt, but I have to kick you out now. I can't do this to our son.

KURT RUSSELL

Do what? I can change, I can be less foolhardy at work-

REBECCA DE MORNAY

It's not that! I just know the longer he's in this story, the more likely he'll wind up as the main character in some godawful shitty direct-to-tax-writeoff sequel made to satisfy Canadian content requirements, and I just can't let that happen!! Fuck, it may already be too late!!

(cries)

KURT RUSSELL

(tearing up)

No, it can't be too late! I won't let it! YOU HEAR ME YOU DAMN CANUCKS, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY SOONNNNN

(rushes out)

DONALD SUTHERLAND

(leans into frame, shrugs)

INT. JENNIFER'S PLACE

BILLY BALDWIN

Jennifer, I need you to steal some of J.T.'s files. Robert and I think he was fraudulently closing firehouses so he could give sweet contracts to his developer buddies, thus engaging in massive corruption and also endangering thousands of civilians.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

But Billy. You're asking me to risk... my JOB!

BILLY BALDWIN

...well yeah, this seemed more important. Besides, your boss being a huge criminal is also a risk to your job. In fact, getting ahead of this scandal might improve your shot at getting a new job!

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Ugh, FINE. But if I do this I also risk ending my usefulness to the plot, and thus vanishing forever. So you gotta promise me-

(hands over files)

(vanishes)

Fuck.

INT. J.T. WALSH'S HOUSE - LATE AT NIGHT

Armed with the incriminating evidence, ROBERT and BILLY go to confront J.T. personally in the dead of night, AS YOU DO.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hm, something's wrong. J.T. is knocked out by his desk!

BILLY BALDWIN

Hm, I also sense things are amiss. For example, someone's fighting me! Ow!

BILLY throws the MYSTERIOUS ASSAILANT into an EXPOSED OUTLET which creates a DISTINCTIVE BURN MARK, OH HO, but is also the trigger point for, aw yeah, another BACKDRAFT!!!

BILLY BALDWIN

Sorry what-

ROBERT DE NIRO

DON'T SAY IIIIITTT

(tackles Billy!)

The house EXPLODES but BILLY, BOBBY, and J.T. manage to GET CLEAR IN TIME!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Actually I've had enough of this movie for now, so I got horribly yet non-fatally impaled. Call me when we're wrapping shit up.

INT. SPECIAL PRISON FOR SOFT-SPOKEN CANADIAN ARSONISTS

BILLY decides to pick DONALD'S brain.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Let's see what you have. The arsonist killer is someone who knows about... backdraft. And how it works when people open doors carelessly. And they know what kinds of chemicals work best as accelerants, and what kind of residue they leave behind. Basically you're looking for someone with considerable expertise in fires, especially fires in buildings, such as...

BILLY BALDWIN

(straining every muscle in head)

DONALD SUTHERLAND

(pointedly)

...perhaps a man, a man who deals with fire... who might work as...

BILLY BALDWIN

(wrenches face violently)

DONALD SUTHERLAND

You can do it Billy.

BILLY BALDWIN

(grey matter leaking from ears)

...as... a..... FIREMAN HOLY SHIT WHAAAAAAA?!?!???

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Aaaand we're there. So the next thing you have to ask yourself is: do I know any firemen being played by recognizable actors? And have any clues been dropped that link to them?

BILLY BALDWIN

(thinking)

Wait a minute... the arsonist uses... CHEMICALS. And I saw chemicals somewhere before... on Kurt's boat! And Kurt's famous!! Oh shit!

INT. FIREHOUSE

BILLY pries open KURT'S locker to look for more evidence, but notices SCOTT GLENN in the shower... with a DISTINCTIVE BURN MARK WHAAA?!?

BILLY BALDWIN

Fuck, it's Scott who's been backdrafting people all along!

KURT RUSSELL

(arriving)

I've figured it out too, I realized the arsonist uses CHEMICALS and a while back, Scott gave me a boatwarming present of a bunch of CHEMICALS. Lucky for us he's so cheap he sees leftover incriminating evidence as last-minute gift ideas.

BILLY BALDWIN

We gotta confront him! Man, the only way it could be more dramatic would be if we had to confront him while ALSO manfully responding to a big manly man-fire in some vast manly manufacturing plant...

The REALLY BIG FIRE ALARM BELL rings!! Everyone has to go to the REALLY BIG FIRE!!

KURT RUSSELL

Oh very well done. Let's go, just grab any random set of gear and I'm sure it'll fit you fine.

The crew HEAD OUT in a pair of TRUCKS, but BILLY'S TRUCK manages to CRASH AND FLIP OVER so we don't have too many characters at the finale. BILLY stays with his group since that is after all the cardinal fucking rule, right, RIGHT?!? races to the fire!

EXT. BURNING INDUSTRIAL BUILDING WHICH IS, LET'S SEE, A FUCKING CHEMICAL PLANT OH SHIT THAT'S NOT GOOD

BILLY finds KURT and SCOTT up on the roof.

KURT RUSSELL

Enough games Scott, why'd you DO this?!?

SCOTT GLENN

Don't you understand Kurt! Those greedy assholes killed our friends, I had to take revenge! For money, Kurt! They killed our friends, for money! It was for money, that our friends were killed, by them! For money!! Money they friends killed our for!!

KURT RUSSELL

WHY, SCOTT?!? WHYYYYYY

THE ROOF

DAMMIT KURT YOU DENSE FUCK

(collapses!)

BILLY is about to plunge to his DOOM so he RUNS and JUMPS and LEAPS and BOUNCES OFF A SHOP AWNING and RUNS and SLIDES and LAMBADAS and FALLS DOWN A FUCKING ELEVATOR SHAFT into some WATER!

BILLY BALDWIN

Well this is a spot of bother, what.

(begins drowning)

It looks bleak but KURT is there to rescue him, YAY!

KURT RUSSELL

Gotcha! Now we just have to maneuver our way out of this constantly exploding chemical deathtrap. Or maybe the fumes killed us already and this is just our last neurons firing off before HAHAHA YEAH RIGHT EAT MY JUNK TOXIC FUMES

They make their way to a CATWALK but SCOTT is there! SCOTT and KURT square off, brandishing their FIREAXES, with the raging conflagration below!!

KURT RUSSELL

So, um, we really gonna do this whole Thunderdome axe fight shit?

SCOTT GLENN

...nah let's try to keep our self-respect intact.

KURT RUSSELL

Deal. So how 'bout you manfully surrender in a noble act of-

But there is MORE COLLAPSING OF SHIT!! SCOTT falls but KURT grabs him and they DANGLE from the broken catwalk!

BACKDRAFT

HAR HAR YOU'RE NOT AVOIDING THE CHEESE THAT EASILY ASSHOLES

KURT RUSSELL

Okay FINE!! I'M NOT LETTING GO SCOTT! IF YOU GO I GO! Or maybe if you go, I almost go but instead land on a different catwalk, if that's cool.

SCOTT GLENN

OH FUCK YOU

(falls into raging fire)

(dies)

BILLY BALDWIN

HOLD ON KURT! I finally know how to fight fire!!

BILLY corners a ROGUE HOSE that's WHIPPING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT and manages to TAME ITS WILD PULSATIONS! He takes FIRM HOLD of the POWERFUL SURGING okay you've more than gotten the idea, anyway BILLY is the big fucking hero finally.

KURT RUSSELL

(horribly injured)

(points at Billy)

You see that guy? That's... my... BROTHER!!

BILLY BALDWIN

Yay we finally reconciled! But shit, that means-

KURT RUSSELL

It's okay bro. The fire didn't get me... closure did.

(dies)

KURT has a big huge expensive studio-film FUNERAL, BILLY and ROBERT DE NIRO bust J.T. WALSH while using his own dialogue back at him, and everything is NOT ON FIRE again!!

BILLY BALDWIN

And now I can be the seasoned veteran firefighter, sharing my wisdom with the new recruits. The firefight... GOES ON.

(smiles)

(strikes heroic pose)

BACKDRAFT

(lurking around corner of building)

You may have won this round, Baldwin, but you haven't seen the last of me... I just might pay you a visit some day, right when you least expect...

(checks IMDB)

...oh fuck that. I'm out.

END