FADE IN:

INT. USS NAKATOMI

Cook STEVEN SEAGAL attempts to act lethal yet cool by pretending to enjoy hip hop and throwing knives. It is unconvincing.

STEVEN SEAGAL

That’s right, I’m definitely juuuust a cook.

(winks so hard he dislocates his face)

GARY BUSEY crashes through a wall.

GARY BUSEY

Hooooweeee! The coke is HITTIN’, baby! Also, I hate you, Steven, because you’re an extreme psychopath who hates authority and America. So naturally, you joined the Navy.

(pause)

Wait, really? I seem to actually believe this.

Director ANDREW DAVIS incorporates GARY into the plot because everyone is TOO AFRAID to make him leave.

EXT. DECK

Rockstar TOMMY LEE JONES arrives with stripper ERIKA ELENIAK to perform for Captain PATRICK O’NEAL’s birthday.

PATRICK O’NEAL

Welcome aboard, and no, I’m not Leslie Nielsen.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Howdy y’all, my name is Baddy Guy and this here’s my band, the Vaguely International Henchmen.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Perhaps I could join your jam sesh -- who wants to hear some “Songs From the Crystal Cave?”

GARY, who is now dressed in DRAG that makes MRS. DOUBTFIRE look sexy, does everyone a favor by locking STEVEN in a refrigerator.

GARY BUSEY

(whistling jaunty tune)

Don’t mind me, folks, just disabling all the security protocols on board. Nothing to see here!

GARY shoots Captain PATRICK! TOMMY and his BAND take over the ship with the power of DAD ROCK!

ERIKA ELENIAK

I'll be hiding in this cake until the “plot” needs me.

TOMMY LEE JONES

I’m fixin’ to steal the ship’s missiles, not to mention this here entire movie, with my hambone actifiyin’. Much obliged!

INT. GALLEY

STEVEN escapes the refrigerator by GENTLY CARESSING several BAD GUYS and EXPLODING A MICROWAVE.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Destroying a kitchen’s worth of food and unwanted physical contact –- my favorite!

GARY BUSEY

Wait -- Steven is actually a Navy SEAL?!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Tarnation! The dad bod must be part of his cover as a cook.

STEVEN SEAGAL

...right.

INT. THE PENTAGON

General ANDY ROMANO meets with CIA Director NICK MANCUSO.

NICK MANCUSO

It turns out Tommy is actually an ex-CIA agent! We tried to kill him when he went crazy and now he wants revenge.

ANDY ROMANO

At least he’s just a lone wolf without any way to offload the missiles -- otherwise we’d REALLY be fucked!

NICK MANCUSO

I almost forgot, Tommy definitely doesn’t have access to a stolen North Korean submarine that we 100% destroyed. I only bring it up to mention how destroyed it is. Sunk-er than the Titanic, absolutely, yessiree.

ANDY ROMANO

Well that’s a relief! I was almost worried there for a sec.

(pause)

Also, why didn’t we make a movie about a rogue CIA agent stealing a North Korean submarine? That sounds rad as fuck.

TOMMY dials in for his obligatory rant-and-make-demands phone call.

TOMMY LEE JONES

I’m hankerin’ to sell off the ship’s missiles because chemtrails destroyed our topsoil and time is a flat circle and the earth is hollow and lizard people made me miss Woodstock, man.

GARY BUSEY

Hey, no one out-crazies G.B.!

TOMMY LEE JONES

(cracks neck)

Hold my sarsaparilla.

TOMMY waves a butcher knife while devouring half a cow and most of the scenery and generally making GARY FUCKING BUSEY look balanced.

INT. PARTY ROOM

STEVEN continues to kill HENCHMAN by waving his hands around in fight scenes that look about as realistic as his hairline.

TOMMY LEE JONES

You’d think I’d be better at tracking down a fugitive.

DIRECTOR ANDREW DAVIS

Shh, that’s not until next year!

Suddenly, ERIKA BREASTFULLY BOOBS out of her TIT CAKE!

ERIKA ELENIAK

I'll now get through most of my stripping routine without realizing that the room is empty. Nothing gratuitous or unrealistic about this at all!

STEVEN takes his sweet time perving out before stopping ERIKA.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Funny how the entire ship collectively jizzed itself when you arrived, but then even the terrorists that brought you completely forgot you were here.

ERIKA ELENIAK

Take me with you! Surely we can capture that flirty couple-in-a-crisis magic every classic action movie needs.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Seeing as I have the sexual chemistry of damp sawdust, I doubt it.

STEVEN immediately stuffs ERIKA into a locker.

ERIKA ELENIAK

Dammit, I thought I had graduated from “being trapped in tight spaces” to “sex object!”

STEVEN SEAGAL

Fine, I will allow you to tag along, but you have to carry all of my gear while I make cracks about supporting women’s lib. Aroused yet?

INT. CORRIDORS

STEVEN consults his Die Hard Playbook.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Hmm, let’s see: I’ve already stripped down to my tactical tank-top and jumped over the side of something to outrun an explosion...ah, I know! Time to enlist some more plucky backup.

STEVEN and ERIKA rescue trapped sailors RAYMOND CRUZ, TROY EVANS, and some REDSHIRTS.

RAYMOND CRUZ

Ready to help out, sir!

STEVEN SEAGAL

You will address me as “sensei.”

TROY EVANS

Are you...squinting?

The other U.S. Military branches THANK GOD that they are not involved in this movie.

EXT. OCEAN

The HENCHMEN begin unloading the ship’s missiles onto TOMMY’s stolen SUBMARINE! STEVEN awkwardly spasms through the water -- er, swims -- toward the submarine in an attempt to blow it up.

DIRECTOR ANDREW DAVIS

Hmm, this is going too easily even for Steven’s standards. We need to pad out the runtime, otherwise Spike TV will never pick us up for late-night reruns.

Henchman COLM MEANEY corners STEVEN, oh no!

COLM MEANEY

Aha, I’ve got you at last! No reason not to make this take as long as possible. Look at my pretty gun! Observe as I load each bullet in one at a time. Now I will point it at you, ever so sl-o-o-o-wly.

(sighs)

Erika’s gonna shoot me now, isn’t she?

ERIKA ELENIAK

Reporting for booty!

(shoots COLM)

GARY screams incoherently. Fortunately, the cameras are rolling and the footage is incorporated into the film.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Drat, the sub has almost escaped! This could actually be a challenge...except that out of the hundreds of people onboard, one of our redshirts is conveniently a WWII veteran who can operate the ship’s cannons!

STEVEN and the GANG use the cannons to BLOW UP GARY and THUNDERFUCK TOMMY’S EARDRUMS!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Dadgummit! Only four more senses to go and I can actually enjoy being in this movie.

STEVEN finally comes face-to-face with TOMMY. The difference in acting ability is NOTICEABLE.

TOMMY LEE JONES

It says a lot about your filmography that this is known as “the good one.”

STEVEN SEAGAL

And now for my specialty –- interpretive knife fighting!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Please just fucking stab me already.

STEVEN obliges because he is getting winded from all the WALKING and STANDING.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Yippee-ki-yay, Muddy Waters!

END