FADE IN:

INT. DARK SUBTERRANEAN INDUSTRIAL CLUB FITNESS

KEANU REEVES grimly punches a piece of wood over and over to make sure his HANDS are properly fine-tuned into SEMI-GELATINOUS BLOBS before we get things going.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(bellowing)

HEY KEANU ARE YOU READY TO START FIGHTING YET BECAUSE I JUST LIT EVERYTHING ON FIRE LOLZ ANYWAY HERE'S A SUIT

KEANU REEVES

(grimacing)

...Yeah.

EXT. WIDE OPEN DESERT

KEANU rides a HORSE through the DESERT and chases down THREE OTHER DUDES on HORSES and SHOOTS THEM RIGHT IN THE FUCKING HEAD.

KEANU REEVES

This better be the right desert.

LIAM NEESON FROM THE "TAKEN 2" ABRIDGED SCRIPT

Nice callback, son!

(vanishes)

GEORGE "GEORGIE" GEORGIOU

As it happens you did choose the right desert, it's the one where I sit out here with one storage room's worth of expensive furniture out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Like what the fuck do I do all day?

(shot dead)

KEANU REEVES

If I just murder everyone who works for the mysterious "Table" then I'll be free. And with that asshole dead, I'm almost done-

(realizes)

Aw crap a new movie just started, that means a shit-ton of new characters will have materialized that I allegedly have history with, and/or need to kill, god DAMMIT.

(grimaces)

Now I've got to clear them all out in the next... let's see, holy shit TWO HOURS FORTY-NINE MINUTES?!? Damn, I might just do it.

INT. SWANKY LAIR OF EVIL - NEW YORK CITAAYYYY (TO BE SAID IN MATT BERRY VOICE)

IAN MCSHANE and LANCE REDDICK are summoned by EVIL VEST DANDY BILL SKARSGARD.

BILL SKARSGARD

Allo allo, I am French you see. The Table has forged me out of nothingness, and given me the keys to the Infinite Goon Generator, so that I may finally destroy Keanu.

LANCE REDDICK

Last movie we shot Keanu and threw him off the roof, so obviously we're on your side, how can we help?

BILL SKARSGARD

Not so fast! Everyone knows you're still considered to be among the Good Guys, so I must punish one of you, while leaving the other alive to help bring about my downfall. I suppose it doesn't matter which, so...

(shoots Lance)

IAN MCSHANE

Dude! Read the fucking room!

BILL SKARSGARD

...oh right. Oops. Well let's distract everyone who's mourning real-life Lance by BLOWING UP THE CONTINENTAL HOTEL, TAKE THAT IAN!

IAN MCSHANE

Hey I'm supposed to have a spinoff in that thing, asshole.

(handed note)

Yes yes I know it's a prequel, you never heard of a framing device?

LANCE REDDICK

(weakly)

Don't worry Ian. I was going to flee this franchise anyway before it finally collapses into a singularity under the weight of its own ridiculous mythos, this way I get a head start at craft services.

(dies)

BILL sends IAN on his way and then has an audience with BLIND HITMAN DONNIE YEN.

DONNIE YEN

Hi everyone and let me start off by saying, if you only know me from Rogue One, no I'm not actually blind.

BILL SKARSGARD

I know you have a rich history with Keanu that was just willed into existence, but despite that I'm ordering you to kill him. If you refuse I'll murder your violin-playing daughter who we keep trapped in a stasis field in the park where she's doomed to play violin forever, mwah ha ha.

DONNIE YEN

Tragically, I accept. But I have a pretty good idea where to find Keanu, after all, he only has so many friends that just spontaneously manifested from the aether.

INT. THE "CHOKE"-URA, TOKYO, JAPAN

KEANU stealthily crosses thousands of miles and multiple national borders, totally evading any detection by the global assassin ubercorp bent on his destruction, so he can visit one of the few people alive he has known connections with, HIROYUKI SANADA.

HIROYUKI SANADA

You are welcome here Keanu, my entire hotel army will protect you due to our Shared History. Allow me to introduce my sister Dawn Summers, and my daughter Rina Sawayama, perhaps you know her from her illustrious pop star career.

KEANU REEVES

Cool, this'll be like when I teamed up with Ice T in Johnny Mnemonic.

RINA SAWAYAMA

Ugh, let's aim higher than that. I think Dad's an idiot for risking everything for you but fuck it, I already wear battle armour all day every day, might as well have it pay off.

Sure enough a parade of SNAPPILY DRESSED MATCHING-SUIT GOONS arrive led by HEAD THREE-PIECE HITMAN MARKO ZAROR.

MARKO ZAROR

Surrender, Hiroyuki! You can't possibly defeat our impeccable fashion sense and nifty matching lapel pins.

HIROYUKI SANADA

Fuck that, y'all die now! And since this is Japan we'll use lots of swords and arrows and throwing stars! And yeah, plus guns for all the fucking good they do in this universe.

To illustrate this last point everyone OPENS FIRE EVERYWHERE but since every last scrap of everyone's clothing is made of PURE WAKANDAN VIBRANIUM MIXED WITH DOUBLE-GLAZED BESKAR AND THE TARDIS OUTER HULL, pretty much every bullet just BOUNCES THE FUCK OFF EVERYONE.

GOON

Plus we have extra armour plating on our forearms, so that we can all play Bullets and Bracelets just like Wonder Woman! I'm still petitioning for mandatory-issued glowing lassos which I think would really pop with these grey suits.

(killed)

KEANU REEVES

(slaughtering)

C'mon guns still totally rule! Even if I have to shoot someone ten times just to get their attention so I can shoot them better so that they die.

RINA SAWAYAMA

(massacring)

And knives are cool! It only took thirty-two thousand, seven hundred and ninety-five stabs to kill this one dude. Hm, I think I know why the rough cut of this thing was like six hours long.

Meanwhile DONNIE YEN is in the KITCHEN laying traps for HIROYUKI'S goons!

DONNIE YEN

I may be blind but I can just run my hands over everything in this industrial kitchen to get the lay of the OWWW HOT HOT HOT OWWWWWWW

DONNIE slaps a bunch of MOTION DETECTORS on stuff so they PING and he knows where to SHOOT at people, which he then DOES!

DONNIE YEN

Ha ha that was fun but too clunky to use all movie, so from now on I think I'll just be Daredevil.

Meanwhile KEANU reaches the OBLIGATORY NEON LIGHTING ROOM FULL OF LOTS AND LOTS OF GLASS!! He murders DOZENS OF GOONS and SEVERAL DOZEN ART INSTALLATIONS one of which spawns a set of NUNCHUCKS.

KEANU REEVES

Awright! Now listen up people, I did a lot of goddamn training on these nunchucks so I get to defeat at LEAST three dozen goons with the two moves I learned.

(tenderizes)

DONNIE YEN

I'm here too now, let's have our first martial arts showdown!

KEANU REEVES

Um okay, but given that you're the Sidney Crosby to my Tyler Bozak, maybe it can also be our only martial arts showdown?

DONNIE YEN

Fine by me!

(attacks)

They FIGHT a bit until their contest is disrupted by a LONG-RANGE RIFLE BULLET from newcomer SHAMIER ANDERSON and his DOG!

KEANU REEVES

Hey, thanks. So what's your deal?

SHAMIER ANDERSON

Well we need a dog in this thing so I have a dog. I'm going to track you and predict your every move, and basically do all the same shit Donnie's doing but from a bit further away, and with a dog.

DOG

ALSO I BITE NUTS AND PEE ON FOLK JUST TO CLASS SHIT UP A BIT

KEANU REEVES

Right. So what's your cool hitman name?

SHAMIER ANDERSON

We're calling me "Nobody" so that the writer can plug his Bob Odenkirk movie. Anyhoo, for the time being I'm officially biding my time while your bounty climbs. Fly low, kill high, I always say.

DONNIE meanwhile has found HIROYUKI along with injured RINA!

HIROYUKI SANADA

Stay back Rina! I'll handle-

(skewered)

(stabbed)

(eviscerated)

Goddammit my track record is not the best. Guess I can add Donnie's name to those who've killed me off alongside Hawkeye, Wolverine, the Sun...

(dead)

RINA gets away and staggers into the exact same subway car KEANU is in, and I've never been to Japan but my understanding is there's more than a few subway cars to choose from.

RINA SAWAYAMA

Once I heal up I'm gonna take revenge on Donnie. I'm giving you until the end of the movie, got it? Once we hit bonus scenes he's MINE.

KEANU REEVES

There's a lot I could say here but I'm going to boil it down to, "I understand".

(pause)

The goal is to use as few words as possible, I'm going for a record.

EXT. PARK - NEEEWWW YOHRRRK CITAAAYYY (STILL MATT BERRY VOICE)

KEANU somehow gets a message from LAURENCE so he stealthily travels halfway around the world to see ANOTHER one of his only known living acquaintances, IAN MCSHANE.

KEANU REEVES

(nods)

Ian.

IAN MCSHANE

(nods)

Keanu. Wanted to let you know that the person after you is Bill Skarsgard, aka the Marquis because why not. And the only way to truly be free of the Table is to kill him in a special honour duel thingie.

KEANU REEVES

Don't suppose I could just kill the Table?

IAN MCSHANE

Come on, you don't seriously think we'll ever SEE those assholes right? After all this buildup it could only be a massive letdown COUGH KILLING EVE COUGH COUGH

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah. But to issue a formal challenge I'll have to somehow get re-instated with my Roma family. Maybe I can rebalance their investment portfolios, or do some energy-efficiency renovations in their homes, win a baking contest OR I DUNNO KILL A FUCKLOAD OF GOONS GOSH I WONDER WHICH OPTION IT WILL BE

IAN MCSHANE

(slaps him)

Keanu. Snap out of it. Bill is a serious threat, also he's officially hired Shamier to murder you and to make it extra threatening he mangled one of Shamier's hands, so be super scared.

KEANU REEVES

Shit. Lucky for me Bill didn't chop his feet off or I'd be in REALLY deep shit.

(nods)

Ian.

(turns to leave, pauses)

Um you are saying my name for real this time? Not just reciting Jordan Peele movies?

IAN MCSHANE

Nope.

INT. A CHURCH - BERLIN

KEANU teleports to BERLIN and respectfully approaches the PRIEST who SHOTGUNS HIM RIGHT IN THE FUCKING CHEST.

KEANU REEVES

(writhing)

This is why I usually shoot first.

KEANU is brought before ROMA LEADER NATALIA TENA and put in a NOOSE so he can say EVEN FEWER LINES.

NATALIA TENA

Grrr we're very angry with you Keanu! We were almost out from under the Table but because of what you did, we're still under the Table, fuck can we PLEASE stop using that phrase!

KEANU REEVES

(choking)

ack gurgle urk

NATALIA TENA

Why yes, there is one way we'll help. Did someone say SIIIIIDE QUEEESSSSSST

AUDIENCE'S BLADDERS

(frown emoji)

KLAUS

I AM KLAUS, THIS IS MY ONLY LINE BECAUSE WE LOVE GROOT OR SOMETHING ANYWAY ALLOW ME TO DELIVER YOU TO YOUR SIDE QUEST, CHECK OUT MY SPINOFF SERIES ON HBO MAX WHOOPS JUST MAX GODDAMN ENTERTAINMENT MEDIA IS SUCH BULLSHIT NOWADAYS

INT. EVIL CASINO NIGHTCLUB OF DEADLY EVIL AND SICK BEATZ

KEANU is brought before casino owner SCOTT ADKINS who has a FAT SUIT and ASTHMA and a GRILL because SUBTLE CHARACTERIZATION CAN EAT BALLS WE GOTTA GET TO THE HEADSHOTS YO

SCOTT ADKINS

Well well well, Mr. Reeves. I've been... expecting you.

DONNIE YEN

(entering)

So have I! Keanu said the word "family" before and given how he's being so sparing with dialogue, I made the searingly brilliant deduction you'd seek out your family.

SHAMIER ANDERSON

(entering)

I also used my elite assassin powers to divine Keanu would seek help from the only remaining people on the planet who might help.

SCOTT ADKINS

Hm, seems we have a bit of a pickle! I propose we play the most insufferably pretentious hand of five-card draw that was ever crammed up its own ass.

KEANU shows TWO PAIR, but DONNIE has FOUR OF A KIND, but SHAMIER has... a ROYAL FLUSH! HOLY SHIT THAT'S GOTTA DO IT RIGHT?!?

SCOTT ADKINS

Ha ha ha, you think you've won but I have... FIVE TWOS!!

(smugs)

SHAMIER ANDERSON

...Yeah, but, I have a royal flush. That beats three of a kind, four of a kind, it should beat anything of a kind.

SCOTT ADKINS

But my hand uses all FIVE cards!

SHAMIER ANDERSON

So does mine though. And if you added a bunch of twos to the deck, that makes my royal flush even MORE improbable so if anything you made it an even stronger hand than before. Y'all agree right?

DONNIE YEN

Well I also have Year of Plenty which I'm playing to add more cards to my hand, now I have a double full house of Wood over Sheep, plus three hidden VP, so I win.

(RIP Klaus Teuber)

SCOTT ADKINS

NO NO NO you're all ruining it!! Fine then I'm playing a Fishing Village plus Wharf to draw these cards then building a Milk Maid and Fromager and recruiting Captain Marvel and Quake allowing me to flip this scoring card into a Tomato and I'm passing you a cockroach and

KEANU REEVES

ARGH FUCK THIS WE FIGHT NOW

KEANU uses one of the PLAYING CARDS to SLICE SCOTT! DOG grabs some NUTS and DONNIE crunches some people! BATTLE IS JOINED!

SCOTT ADKINS

(fleeing)

AAAIIEEEE must run run! Kill him my minions!

(pause)

Actually FUCK YOU I'LL DO IT MYSELF

(pummels Keanu)

On third thought NOOOO MUST RUNNN AIIIEEEE

(flees wildly)

(pause)

But then again TIME TO DIE SHITFACE

(pummels Keanu)

Wow can I make up my mind already.

During all the carnage the CLUBGOERS resolutely CONTINUE DANCING AND CLUBBING AND CLUBDANCING because it's Berlin baby, who hasn't seen a couple dudes throw each other off two-storey balconeys multiple times only to shrug it off.

CLUBGOER

(dancing, coolly)

Wow that dude took an axe right in the head, that's based.

CLUBGOETHE

(dancing, ironically)

Haha yeah a bullet just went through my nose, this place rules WAIT OH FUCK SCOTT ADKINS JUST GOT UP KIND OF WEIRD AAAAAAA EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT NOW

The CROWD begins stampeding out, FINALLY providing a shred of evidence that people exist in this universe who aren't employees of the worldwide assassination-industrial complex. In the pandemonium KEANU throws SCOTT off YET ANOTHER LEDGE and this time it finally takes.

EXT. PARIS - LEFTOVER ALICE IN BORDERLANDS SET

KEANU, having been freshly RE-FAMILY-BRANDED in a brisk five-hour ceremony (check out the upcoming A&E docu-series ASSASSIN BRANDERS: KILLER DESIGNS FROM THE JOHN WICK UNIVERSE!), successfully issues his CHALLENGE.

CLANCY BROWN

Greetings! I am the Harbinger, because it's gotta be someone's job to just say things portentously. Now we set the parameters of the duel!

BILL SKARSGARD

Before each of us is an array of face-down tiles with different numbers. We'll state our preference and whoever reveals the higher number gets their choice. That tile is then added to the row with the highest number below that tile, the Luna marker moves that many spaces around the wheel, and if you spend a ruby you can then place an armed dwarf onto

KEANU REEVES

OH GOD WE JUST DID THAT BIT. Anyway my choice for the duel is that I get to bazooka you in the face right here and now.

(reveals tile)

BILL SKARSGARD

And I choose not that.

(reveals better tile)

KEANU REEVES

Damn. Okay then, pistols at dawn at a church that's at least one action-set-piece away from the previous location.

BILL SKARSGARD

I'm good with that! Oh also you will duel Donnie, not me, because I'm just that fucking determined that the Big Bad of this fight-style-showcase movie not have any actual fighting skill.

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

KEANU leaves and lights EVERY CANDLE IN EVERY CHURCH IN PARIS except for the one he has to be at first thing in the morning, could just bunk there overnight but NUH UH FUCK THAT NOISE.

INT. RUN-DOWN FRENCH SUBWAY STATION

Instead KEANU meets IAN who takes him to an OLD SUBWAY PLATFORM where they find-

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Welcome! Here's a new super-duper-indestructible suit that's even more indestructible than your current indestructible suit. And here's a super swanky gun that will be indistinguishable from everyone else's gun.

KEANU REEVES

Uh thanks. Can we use these tunnels to get to the church?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Oh no lolz. I can get you about 400 goons away but that's it.

KEANU REEVES

Welp, good thing I came here to get new gear to fight my way back to the church that I could otherwise have been at right now with no need for new gear. Good strategy Ian.

IAN MCSHANE

What do you want from me, I manage a fucking hotel.

(checks phone)

Oh hey, Bill's put out a new bounty on Keanu, so every low-level thug in Paris is gonna think "y'know, maybe this is the day some random schlub takes down the mythical Baba Yaga" and be gunning for you. Ha ha oopsie.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Just spitballing here, but if everyone's looking to shoot Keanu on sight, have you ever considered... like... a disguise? A quick shave, maybe a wig and chic mauve overcoat, I think I have-

KEANU REEVES

NAH FUCK THAT, it might actually work and we've got LE GRAND CARNAGE to do! IT'S FRANCE FIGHT TIME Y'ALL, time for LES CHAMPS D'ENTRAILLES to run ROUGE AVEC SANG oh could you put "loving husband" on my grave thanks bye.

EXT. PARIS, FRANCE, TWENTY MINUTES OR SO BEFORE SUNRISE WHICH IS APPARENTLY RUSH HOUR HERE

KEANU sets out while a mysterious sexy RADIO HOST blabs his every move on the RADIO, check out her spinoff podcast this fall where she recaps episodes of NO DOING MURDERS IN THE BUILDING, the wacky new spinoff comedy based on THE CONTINENTAL spinoff show WE'RE NOT OVERSATURATING OUR BRAND, YOU'RE OVERSATURATING YOUR BRAND GO CHOKE ON A BAG OF ASSASSIN MARIO COINS YOU FAITHLESS CRUMB

KEANU REEVES

Awright let's launch Phase One: shoot everybody while bouncing off cars! Wheeee!!

(caroms off 28 vehicles)

These suits really are amazing.

KEANU murders DOZENS OF GOONS and causes ENDLESS MAYHEM while all of PARIS just kind of shrugs and goes about their day, which might seem odd unless you've checked the NEWS recently.

KEANU REEVES

Now for Phase Two: Muscle Car throwback!

KEANU steals an AMERICAN MUSCLE CAR and drives super fast around the ARC DE TRIOMPHE which is AN ASSASSIN OH NOOOO!!!

KEANU REEVES

(crashing car)

Fuck!

(shoots Arc)

(makes three-pointer buzzer beater)

MARKO ZAROR

Damn I almost got you Keanu but the dog tackled me first! Well that's the last time a supporting character saves you from ME, I promise! Now I'll throw the dog into a speeding car but its collar is made from a collapsed neutron star so it's fine.

KEANU REEVES

Shit! Gotta get to Phase Three: Video Game Livestream!

KEANU darts into a BUILDING and we switch to a convenient OVERHEAD VIEW! KEANU grabs a FIRE SHOTGUN and shoots his enemies with FIREBALLS that ignite their target and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE.

SHAMIER ANDERSON

Ah but I'm here, it's finally time for us to

(defeated)

Well fuck, guess you can kill me now.

KEANU REEVES

Ooh, lucky for you that your dog's in trouble over there! If there's only a few bullet points of characterization we know about John Wick, one of them is he likes dogs!!

(saves dog)

Though using bullet points is on brand, I guess.

KEANU exits the walkthrough by JUMPING OUT A WINDOW and diving into an INDUSTRIAL WOOD CHIPPER and bathing in ACID MAGMA but y'know he's got that EXTRA GOOD SUIT so he's okay. It's time for...

EXT. THE STAIRCASE OF DOOM

KEANU arrives at the base of the STAIRS and it got its own scene heading so you KNOW this is gonna be fun.

KEANU REEVES

Only minutes left to reach the top of the stairs... and in keeping with our video game logic there's no way around that's less exposed. Right, here goes!

KEANU does his trademark HERKY-JERKY RUN up the STAIRS while SHOOTING TONS OF GOONS! A few of them he even TOSSES DOWNWARDS where they naturally enough STOP at the next landing between sets of steps. The reason for mentioning this last detail becomes clear WHEN-

MARKO ZAROR

Hah it's me, waiting at the very top! Have a swift headshot brisk kick to the chest!

(kicks)

KEANU REEVES

OOF AAAH FALLING DOWN THE STAAAAAIRS

(tumbles)

SO MUCH MOMENTUM, CAN'T STOOOP FALLIIIIING

(throws self down more stairs)

MARKO ZAROR

(muttering)

...didn't kick you THAT hard....

KEANU REEVES

FAAALLLIIIING MOOOOOORE

(flinging self downwards)

NOOOO SO DRAMAAAATIC TO LOSE ALL THAT PROGRESS IN THIS CRITICAL TIIIIIIME

(tumbles down more stairs)

BUMPITY BUMPITY BUMPITY

(lands at bottom)

DONNIE YEN

(arriving)

The hell dude. Well you've still got almost eight seconds before dawn so I guess now we fight our way aaalllll the way back up?

KEANU REEVES

(grimaces)

Yeah.

They TEAM UP and murder EVEN MORE GOONS to almost reach the top, but once again MARKO gets the better of KEANU... geez this guy was the real big bad all along huh?

MARKO ZAROR

THIS time I've got you! And no supporting character can save you NOW-

But SHAMIER and DONNIE and DOG team up and SHRED MARKO TO ATOMS and then SHOOT THE ATOMS, and HALLE BERRY leaps in and CURBSTOMPS them and WILLEM DAFOE returns from the dead and EXPLODES them, because we are CONCLUDING A QUADRILOGY HERE, MAYBE.

EXT. SANG-ET-MEUR BASKILLICA, PARIS

KEANU staggers in just before dawn, and the DUEL IS ON!

CLANCY BROWN

Gentlemen! The first shot will be taken at 30 paces. If you're both still alive we'll go to 20 paces, then 10, then we'll do folding chairs at close range, then a sand castle challenge maybe, we've never gotten that far. Anyway FIRE!

KEANU and DONNIE manage to merely WOUND each other with their first two shots, but at 10 paces KEANU IS DOWN!!

BILL SKARSGARD

Aha! Now I think it's finally safe for me to enter the fray directly. I'll just reload Donnie's gun and step right up to Keanu, gloatily of course-

IAN MCSHANE

You dumbass, Keanu hasn't fired yet this round.

BILL SKARSGARD

Oh! That's awkward, and me with my gun already pointed right at him! Suppose I should twitch my trigger finger before Keanu can gruffly deliver four syllables of dialogue and shoot me, yes that would be quite an excellent plan

(dead)

CLANCY BROWN

Congratulations Keanu! You are finally, no longer under the Table; you are officially over the Counter now. And Ian, we will rebuild the Continental and give you your job back.

IAN MCSHANE

I should hope so since apparently my character is called "Mr. Manager" and I'd feel pretty fucking stupid with nothing to manage.

KEANU topples over to some other steps, thinks of his WIFE and keels over...

IAN MCSHANE

Oh come on you're not done with this shit. There are sooooo many spinoffs planned.

KEANU REEVES

Next movie hasn't started yet, this is my chance!

(dies!!!??!!!)

(grins)

Yeah.

CREDITS

EXT. POST-CREDITS SCENE -- A CITY DOWNTOWN

DONNIE, holding a bouquet, prepares to finally visit his PERPETUALLY VIOLIN-PLAYING DAUGHTER, the poor girl's arms must be exhausted by now.

RINA SAWAYAMA

Not so fast Donnie! I'm here with a knife and I'm gonna-

END

RINA SAWAYAMA

Shit, seriously?

Find out what happened in the LIMITED HULU STREAMING SERIES HAHAHAHA WE'RE INSANE

RINA SAWAYAMA

(grimaces)

Yeah.