FADE IN:

INT. BADASS CHURCH AND SHIT

SYLVESTER STALLONE is meeting with BRUCE WILLIS.

BRUCE WILLIS

Hey Stallone, I worked up that plot justification you asked for. It's pretty much the one from your last Rambo movie.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Hold on a minute, we need to wait for Arnold Schwarzenegger. I originally offered him your role, but he wanted something smaller so now he's showing up immediately after your first line and leaving immediately before your last.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Sly! Eaauurgghh graauughhhughh.

BRUCE WILLIS

You guys aren't going to start sucking each other's dicks, are you? Ha ha!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Gay jokes with the governor of the state currently at the center of the gay marriage issue. Classy.

BRUCE WILLIS

Anyway, there's a bad guy running a dictatorship on an island called Vilena. I need you to kill him.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Holy shit, you really did steal the plot from Rambo. I'll do it, but on the condition that you don't release your own movie about a bunch of washed-up retirees kicking ass.

BRUCE WILLIS

Ummmm...

INT. BADASS FUCKING TATTOO PARLOR

SYLVESTER STALLONE explains the PLOT to JASON STATHAM, JET LI, RANDY COUTURE, TERRY CREWS, and MICKEY ROURKE.

RANDY COUTURE

Holy fuck, look at the shitload of manly action stars in this movie!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Well, to be honest, Schwarzenegger and Willis were just cameos.

RANDY COUTURE

That's alright, it's still a mega super team of badassery!

JET LI

And Dolph Lundgren and Steve Austin are bad guys.

RANDY COUTURE

Still, this is like a dream-come--

TERRY CREWS

And Mickey Rourke is retired. We just hang out in his tattoo parlor.

RANDY COUTURE

That's fine, the team is still like five people. Sure, the poster had nine but that's still, I dunno, that's okay I guess...

JASON STATHAM

And half the movie is just Stallone and me.

RANDY COUTURE

Oh, come on!

MICKEY ROURKE

And I cry.

EXT. BADASS FICTIONAL SOUTH AMERICAN ISLAND

SYLVESTER STALLONE and JASON STATHAM meet their contact, GISELLE ITIE.

GISELLE ITIE

I'm the one working with the American government to hire a team of violent mercenaries to stop my dictator father. You're not going to hurt him, are you?

JASON STATHAM

You can't be the contact! You're a... GIRL!

GISELLE ITIE

So? It's 2010. Relax.

JASON STATHAM

No, it may take place in 2010 but this movie was transplanted straight out of the 80's! There are only two roles for women in 80's action movies. Does your contract specify that you're showing your tits?

GISELLE ITIE

No...

JASON STATHAM

Then that means... Shit!

Suddenly, a SHITLOAD OF BAD GUYS kidnap GISELLE. STATHAM and STALLONE kill the crap out of EVERYONE while the CAMERA goes BALLISTIC to prevent the AUDIENCE from seeing how old STALLONE is.

JASON STATHAM

Stallone, is this CGI blood? Squibs are like 7 dollars you lazy prat!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Quick, get to the plane! We can drop a ton of fuel on the bad guys and then shoot it to blow up all of the stuff we aren't saving for the end of the movie!

JASON STATHAM

Christ, I've already done Transporter and Crank, how did I wind up in yet another over-the-top, intentionally bad action movie?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

You mean intentionally awesome.

JASON STATHAM

Right, sure, but awesomely bad. I get it.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No, awesomely awesome. Dude, look how many muscles I have. I look like a goddamned wad of bubble wrap. This is the best movie ever made.

STALLONE and STATHAM BLOW A BUNCH OF SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK UP.

INT. BADASS FUCKING TATTOO PARLOR

STALLONE adds some MORE GUYS to his GROUP before starting a second attack.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

We have to save a girl, and I need all of three-and-a-half of you to help.

JASON STATHAM

Ha ha, because Jet Li is so small!

TERRY CREWS

I know, right! He's tiny and we're all muscley! This elicits manly chortles from me!

JET LI

You guys know I'm an real martial artist, right? Like I'm not just a shitty actor pumped full of steroids, I can actually hurt you.

RANDY COUTURE

Yeah well, according to the script you don't win a single fight against any character whose name doesn't end in a number.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

That's enough, it's time for this team of famous action stars to kick some ass and ooze some testosterone! Who grunts with me!?

JASON STATHAM

Stop trying to trick the audience into thinking Terry Crews is one of their favorite action stars. He's the guy from the Old Spice commercials. The shitty ones.

INT. BADASS PALACE - BACK ON BADASS ISLAND, HELL YEAH

THE EXPENDABLES slice, murder, mash, hurt, eviscerate, hit, blast, drop, crush, shoot, punch, kick, hurl, ram, maim, strike, disembowel, destroy, execute, beat, butcher, throw, bash, pound, assault, jab, bomb, wound, dispatch, torch, kill, cut, smash, smack, pummel, decapitate, club, explode, wallop, slam, batter, slaughter, stab, and ignite BAD GUYS.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Entire prop department worth of stuff completely destroyed?

JASON STATHAM

Check.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Any attempt at even paltry individual characterization subverted by having all team members equally use guns, knives, fists, and explosives?

JET LI

Check!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Rescued the girl?

TERRY CREWS

Oh right, the entire reason we came here. Fuck.

EVERYONE spreads out to find GISELLE. SYLVESTER finds her, kidnapped by ERIC ROBERTS!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Eric Roberts? You're behind all of this? Didn't Aaron Eckhart take care of you?

ERIC ROBERTS

You and me, we're both the same! Both washed-up shitty actors that are stuck playing the same role over and over!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

We're not the same! I'm an Oscar-nominated screenwriter!

ERIC ROBERTS

Oh hell, that's right, isn't it? And yet you wrote a villain saying "We're both the same," just ten seconds ago. The world just refuses to make sense sometimes, huh?

ERIC is shot by STALLONE six times when suddenly JASON STATHAM'S HUGE CGI BOWIE KNIFE bursts through his chest.

JASON STATHAM

We'll call it a tie.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

How? I shot him six fucking times.

JET LI

You guys aren't going to start sucking each other's dicks, are you? Ha ha!

JASON STATHAM

Shh, the first rule of action movies is to not draw attention to the subtle homoeroticism.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Hey, Dolph Lundgren, you're welcome to re-join our team for no reason.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

I can't, I'm busy playing a scientist that can smell crime before it happens.

The movie is immediately remade with DANNY TREJO and HALF A BRAIN.

END