FADE IN:

EXT. TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA

JOSH HARTNETT takes his daughter, ARIEL DONOGHUE, to see the TORONTO BLUE JAYS at the SKYDOME in TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA!

JOSH HARTNETT

Uh, actually this is supposed to be Philadelphia I think.

ARIEL DONOGHUE

Seriously? The fucking CN Tower is like half a millimetre out of shot, sorry I mean, half an INCH. A light breeze hits the camera and it's like, RIGHT THERE. We're obviously here to watch the Blue Jays... or possibly the Argonauts, blechh.

(shudders)

JOSH HARTNETT

Uh no, those horrible cheap signs and hastily assembled cheap props and occasional CGI overlays clearly indicate we're here for a big concert by "Lady Raven" and what kind of stage name is that, is this set in the late 1990s to early 2000s? Fuck this is confusing.

ARIEL DONOGHUE

Yeah, let's just do the movie I guess. Anyway, OMG I LOVE LADY RAVEN SOOOOO MUCH THIS IS AMAZING YAYYY!! SHE'S THE BEST SINGER AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND THE MOST TALENTED AND holy fuck she is M. Night Shyamalan's DAUGHTER. What nepo cringe bullshit have we got ourselves into, Jesus Christ.

JOSH HARTNETT

Clearly we are heading into a hot garbage vortex so I am just gonna hope my character is something I can have fun with...

JOSH checks his phone where we see video feed of some random guy being kept PRISONER in his BASEMENT, HOLY SHIT!

JOSH HARTNETT

OH WOW, my seemingly normal Dad character is also a serial killer?!? What a twist!

INT. THE CONCERT VENUE WHICH IS COMICALLY SMALLER THAN THE ENORMOUS SKYDOME EXTERIOR, LIKE, IS THIS CONCERT HAPPENING IN THE VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM

JOSH and ARIEL find their seats and JOSH plants his SIX FOOT THREE FRAME directly in front of a bunch of FIVE FOOT NOTHING TEENS thus blocking their ENTIRE VIEW of this highly anticipated concert and is somehow not immediately MURDERED.

JOSH HARTNETT

(scanning crowd)

Hmmm... sure are a lot of cops here. And they've removed a couple of middle-aged guys from the audience already, possibly because they're lone middle-aged men at a pop concert for tweens. But maybe this is a...

(winks to camera)

...TRAP.

(to Ariel)

C'mon honey, let's check out the merchandise table!

ARIEL DONOGHUE

Huh? But the concert only just started, I think this is the part where we stay put and listen to the concert.

JOSH HARTNETT

No no, this is the kind of concert where at any given moment half the audience is visiting concession stands or wandering the hallways not listening to the concert.

ARIEL DONOGHUE

I'm starting to think this script was originally set at a baseball game until M. Night Shyamalan's daughter decided she wanted to do a concert. Fine, fine.

They LEAVE the teeny tiny PERFORMANCE VENUE and find the hallway where a MERCHANDISE TABLE is!

JOSH HARTNETT

(thinking)

Have to try and act normal, not let on that all this enhanced scrutiny is getting to me. Don't be weird. Don't be weird.

(aloud, to staff)

So how long Have you been working Here. Five months. Okay, good. How About you. A year. Okay, good. That's good. One T-shirt for My daughter please, or one Hat, whatever makes sense.

T-SHIRT VENDOR JONATHAN LANGDON

Aw sorry, JUST ran out. Tell you what, though, how would you like a complete rundown on the police presence here along with this schematic of their current positions and enhanced blueprints of the entire stadium? Since you're a nice regular guy I mean.

JOSH HARTNETT

(wrenches entire face into grotesque parody of a smile)

Yep! I'm good.

JONATHAN LANGDON

Thought so. Yeah the police found out that the nefarious serial killer known only as The Butcher is at this concert. So they're gonna round up every middle-aged guy here and deal with all their unattended children by, uh, magic? Ooh, ooh, also, all the staff got a code word to give police, so they know we're staff.

JOSH HARTNETT

Can you tell me since I don't work here, and I'm exactly the demographic the police are after?

JONATHAN LANGDON

Fuck yes! The code word is "Come on the Happening wasn't THAT awful, they MADE me cast Walhberg okay?!" Now here's a keycard to the employee areas. Have fun freely roaming the stadium!

JOSH and ARIEL return to their seats for like HALF A SONG.

JOSH HARTNETT

Um yeah I think I'm gonna go roam around some more. Promise not to go anywhere?

ARIEL DONOGHUE

The artist I'm obsessed with is performing live mere feet away, I think I'm going to stay rooted to this spot. Right? Everything okay?

JOSH HARTNETT

...must...act...normal...

(every tendon in face trying to leap through skin)

Of course! Hahaha. Be right back.

JOSH goes exploring and wanders into the POLICE STAGING AREA.

JOSH HARTNETT

(cheek muscles doing jumping jacks)

Hi guys, regular staff worker here just wondering who needs more coffee!

(jamming pockets with police radios, riot gear, various weapons)

I even know the code word, "Lady in the Water only gets a bad rap because I went a little hard on the critic bashing!"

COP

Eh, close enough.

JOSH finds a quiet corner to listen to the RADIO.

FBI PROFILER HAYLEY MILLS

(on radio)

Listen up people. I'm in charge here by virtue of being the world's oldest active criminal profiler, I can't retire until I catch my nemesis Agrippina the Younger for the murder of Emperor Claudius. Everyone stay sharp! Any moment now one of these PARENTS will fall into my TRAP... wait, shit, did I only get cast because M. Night wanted to make a stealth pun?!? Fucking hell...

(deep breath)

And now for the very latest in tactical updates! By this point the Butcher is probably armed to the teeth but we're ready for that.

JOSH HARTNETT

(glumly throws away flamethrower, Uzi, bazooka)

HAYLEY MILLS

(on radio)

And of course we're prepared for any kind of diversion like, say, pulling the fire alarm.

JOSH HARTNETT

(poutily abandons plan to booby-trap a deep fryer because c'mon that would be ridiculous anyway, even for this movie)

HAYLEY MILLS

(on radio)

So keep your eyes peeled, and remember we've totally covered all civilian exit points that any ticketholder could legally use! Heh heh, we've thought of everything. Mills out.

JOSH returns to the actual CONCERT and bumps into usher OH HERE HE IS, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Hi there! Enjoying the show? Isn't it amazing how I managed to build a whole movie around this concert, um I mean, how I arranged a whole real concert to be in my movie?

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

(concerting)

HI MY ADORING FANS! It's almost time for the special part of my show where we choose a SPECIAL FAN to come up on stage with me for a WHOLE SONG and then that fan, along with any guardian who might be with them, gets to go BACKSTAGE and check out all the UNGUARDED BACKSTAGE EXITS!

JOSH HARTNETT

Back... stage...

(massive lightbulb appears over head that blinds five rows of fans in every direction)

Oh hey M., did I mention my daughter has head cancer. Yep. Her entire head is one giant cancerous mass that is just waiting to burst like a popcorn kernel any second now.

And whaddya know ARIEL is chosen to be THE SPECIAL FAN! She goes on stage with SALEKA as JOSH watches from the wings!

JOSH HARTNETT

Huh we have a shot at a legit poignant scene here, if I have to choose between escaping and giving my daughter this one perfectly happy moment. If my Good Dad self wins out over my serial killer self at this crucial juncture, that could be a nice moment to end on...

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

END?!? Oh God no we're barely halfway through this thing. But I'm about out of ideas for the original "cat and mouse in a closed environment" premise so pretty soon it's just bargain basement psycho slasher time.

JOSH HARTNETT

(sighs)

Whatever. My fake smile muscles are pretty much burnt out anyway.

The concert finally ENDS and so JOSH and ARIEL go backstage with SALEKA!

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

Wait, why am I still here? The deal was I get to showcase my sub-par (in a mildly good, golf score sense) singing and none of my sub-par (in the other sense) acting. Dad, we talked about this...

JOSH HARTNETT

(takes Saleka aside)

Okay look, I'm the serial killer the cops are after. Here's the camera feed on my phone that proves it! You're gonna get us out of there or I'll kill the guy in my basement.

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

And then what? You kill me, the hugely famous singer, totally blowing your cover? Or am I supposed to just never tell anyone?

JOSH HARTNETT

I'm not thinking that far ahead, clearly. Now take me and my daughter out of here in your personal limo, and wave off any and all police checkpoints the way famous recording artists can do.

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

Ugh, this is gonna ruin the tour...

JOSH HARTNETT

What tour?

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

THE WORLD TOUR!!

(sobs)

JOSH HARTNETT

Stop stalling with memes most people already forgot! C'mon!

INT. SALEKA'S SLINKY LIMOUSINE OF INTERNATIONAL POPSTARDOM

JOSH, ARIEL, and SALEKA wait to see how M. NIGHT is gonna somehow keep the story going.

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

(to self)

Damn it sucks that I, an international pop star, have no secret code or alarm to alert my driver that something's horribly wrong. Hmm..

(aloud)

I KNOW LET'S ALL GO TO ARIEL'S HOUSE! That'll give me time to come up with a plan with even more innocent bystanders around!

JOSH HARTNETT

I said if you tried anything I'd kill that guy! But then I'd have no leverage. So I'll let this go, but I swear, if you try anything ELSE, I'll kill that guy.

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

(sighs)

INT. JOSH'S NORMAL REGULAR SUBURBAN HOUSE

We meet the rest of JOSH'S family including ARIEL'S brother BORING BROTHER and JOSH'S wife ALISON PILL who must have something to do at some point or it wouldn't be ALISON PILL right?

ALISON PILL

Gosh what a surprise, I'm sorry that all I could throw together on short notice was this fully stocked buffet table including three dozen perfectly deviled eggs. Oh and did you notice our... PIANO?!?

The camera swings dramatically to... the PIANO!! No, it actually does.

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

Oh thank fuck I can go back to singing! C'mon Ariel!

(plays piano, sings)

ARIEL DONOGHUE

(was replaced with life-sized cutout of Generic Adoring Fan twenty minutes ago)

JOSH HARTNETT

This whole situation has already gone five stops past untenable, so I swear-

(holds up phone)

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

OOPS I SMEARED DEVILED EGGS ALL OVER MY PHONE OOPS I DROPPED ARIEL'S PHONE IN A VAT OF ACID I GOTTA BORROW YOURS THANKS

(grabs Josh's phone!)

SALEKA barricades herself in the BATHROOM with JOSH'S PHONE!

JOSH HARTNETT

Well shit, now I have no leverage and Saleka can just use the Emergency Call feature on my phone to bring the cops in. I'm done for, movie over.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

(keels over laughing)

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

(reads script)

...fuck's sake... Hey, basement guy! Do you have any clues as to your location?

BASEMENT GUY

(on Josh's video link)

I didn't see much, but I did get a tiny glimpse of the front door of this house--

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

Huh that isn't much to go on.

BASEMENT GUY

--which was bright neon pink and twenty feet tall and above it was this huge sign saying "C'MON REMEMBER ALL THOSE GOOD ONES I STARTED WITH LIKE SIXTH SENSE, AND I THINK WE'VE COME AROUND ON UNBREAKABLE RIGHT?" and above that were the entire Philadelphia Eagles football team firing rainbow bazookas.

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

That might do it! I can call the cops post on my Insta feed and share this clue with how about the cops my entire online fandom! They'll brainstorm on the clues and eventually lead yes the police are a deeply flawed institution but COME THE FUCK ON CALL THEM me to your location!

SALEKA'S plan WORKS, and she does finally listen to the strikethrough text and brings THE COPS down on JOSH'S house! SALEKA retreats to the safety of her LIMO.

INT. LIMOUSINE OF APPARENT SAFETY BUT Y'KNOW WHAT

SALEKA is surprised to find her driver is in fact JOSH!

JOSH HARTNETT

Surprise! Yes, despite my recurrent mantra of keeping my home life and killer life separate, I took the time to build a secret escape tunnel out of my house, ha ha! Now prepare for a limo ride of death or whatever, I'm not sure what fucking direction this is all going now.

SALEKA SHYAMALAN

Well lucky for me you chose to pull up next to a huge adoring crowd of my fans, who've now surrounded us. Laters!

(escapes)

JOSH HARTNETT

Hm, this is quite a pickle. Or rather it WOULD be, if I didn't suddenly possess the ability to teleport directly from this driver's seat, to the outer edge of the tightly packed crowd that's ready to grab anyone who so much as sticks an arm out of this limo!

(does so)

AW YEAH SUH-WISSSH, NOTHING BUT HARTNETT so, now what?

(thinks)

Eh I'll just walk menacingly out of shot and see where I wind up next.

INT. THE ROYAL ONTARIO MUSEUM IN BUSTLING DOWNTOWN TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA, FLIMSILY DISGUISED AS THE WORLD FINALE OF "SHYAMALAN NINJA WARRIOR" JUST KIDDING, WE'RE BACK AT JOSH'S HOUSE

JOSH confronts ALISON in the kitchen.

ALISON PILL

OMG Josh it's you! I'm so startled I almost dropped this delicious Xanax cake with buttercream/horse-tranquilizer icing, would you like some?

JOSH HARTNETT

Dammit Alison, you must have some reason for being in this movie! Tell me what it is or else!

ALISON PILL

I suspected you all along! I followed you to one of your kill houses, planted your ticket receipt there, and then CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE COPS no fuck you I actually DID call the cops! That's how they knew to set up the... TRAP.

(winks to camera)

JOSH HARTNETT

So when Ariel and I showed up with Saleka and everyone was acting all jittery, instead of dialing 911 you made three dozen deviled eggs? I think the strikethrough has a point, hon.

(thinks)

Wait a sec, though, you left WHAT at the kill house?

ALISON PILL

The ticket receipt, for your ticket. We've mentioned it like a dozen times.

JOSH HARTNETT

Are you shitting me? Saleka's supposed to be Taylor Swift level famous, you don't buy those tickets from some old-timey booth! That shit is ticketmastered to hell and back, everything's electronic, are you saying you printed out the confirmation email like that's something I'd accidentally drop whilst murdering someone?!?

(raging)

You're really telling me this whole damn plot hinges on M. Night Shyamalan not understanding commerce post-1945?! RARRRRRGHHH

But holy fuck COPS are actually there, thanks to the keen strategy and thousands-of-years of experience of HAYLEY MILLS!

HAYLEY MILLS

Tase him, my minions! Tase him so hard! Yes, we fired dozens of bullets into the limousine surrounded by innocent bystanders earlier on, but now that we have a clean shot and you're actively trying to murder someone, it's taser time!

JOSH uses his SERIAL KILLER SUPERPOWER to resist the first FIVE tasers but ultimately GOES DOWN! The COPS restrain him with SHACKLES and walk him outside.

JOSH HARTNETT

Wait! I know I'm a degenerate serial killer being dragged off to face justice for my unspeakable crimes, but please give me one last moment to pick up my daughter's bike and do one last Good Dad thing? ...after all, I am a white guy.

COPS

(shrug)

He's got us there. Okay, but make it quick.

JOSH meaningfully props up ARIEL'S BIKE and is then put in the back of the COP VAN all by himself, so that he can dramatically reveal he took a SPOKE from the BIKE!

JOSH HARTNETT

Mwah ha ha, don't tell me anyone out there still thought this story had any kind of resolution or point to it?!?? Nope, crazy serial killer powers for the win! Now I can escape and join forces with the Beast and Mr. Glass, assuming they survived "Glass" which I still haven't got around to watching!! Together we can take on, I dunno, the kids from Signs? Just not Wahlberg please.

END