FADE IN:

INT. NUCLEAR PLANT

Deputy chief engineer PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV oversees a SAFETY TEST performed by engineers SAM DAVIDOVICH TROUGHTUSHKIN and ROBERT NICOLASEVICH EMMSONOV.

SAM DAVIDOVICH TROUGHTUSHKIN

Comrade Ritterov, reactor does thing reactor should not do.

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

Your fault, hole of ass. Make reactor do thing committee want reactor to do.

ROBERT NICOLASEVICH EMMSONOV

This might be danger, Comrade Ritterov. What if reactor go kasplooey like fat American pig at pie competition?

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

Nuclear reactors do not kasplooey in Soviet Union.

ROBERT NICOLASEVICH EMMSONOV

But--

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

NOT. KASPLOOEY. Do thing I say.

SAM DAVIDOVICH TROUGHTUSHKIN

(presses button)

NUCLEAR REACTOR

(kasplooeys)

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

WHY YOU PRESS KASPLOOEY BUTTON, TARDS OF FUCK?! Go put reactor back together with hands! Rebuild roof with hot glue! Put out fire with water! No water? Vodka!

He runs to meet plant manager CON LAURENCEVICH O'NEILLIN and chief engineer ADRIAN EDWARDOVICH RAWLINSKY.

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

Promise that situation is in control. Radiation in air only measures 0.0000036 microlenins.

CON LAURENCEVICH O'NEILLIN

Not glorious, not unpatriotic. Let us to make sure no people ask questions.

ADRIAN EDWARDOVICH RAWLINSKY

Yes. No questions. They must recall, in Russia, questions ask you.

Politician STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK and scientist JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV arrive.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

I bring questions.

CON LAURENCEVICH O'NEILLIN

No questions, dork of geekness.

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

His questions make me bring questions.

CON LAURENCEVICH O'NEILLIN

Yes, Comrade Skarsgårdiuk. Situation is in control. Only 0.0000036 microlenins.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

This is dishonest number. I measure honest number in correctness and is actually 30 million billion gigalenins. Enough to strip skin from body, steel from frame, and purple from beets.

ADRIAN EDWARDEVICH RAWLINSKY

(gasps)

Not beets!

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

Yes, beets. If no action now, no Soviet will ever eat beet again. Because both Soviet and beet will become dead.

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Such disgrace! One of you upfucked reactor! Which one?

PAUL, CON, and ADRIAN eye each other warily.

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

Moose and squirrel do it.

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Get out of sight. Go hang heads in shame. Comrade Harrisov, what to be done next?

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

First we must tell residents of nearby towns to--

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

(writing this down)

Enjoy weekend, shop, go see terrifying Disney knockoff film...

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

LEAVE. Next we put out fire with many buckets of--

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Water...

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

No water.

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Vodka...

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

SAND. And then we find out why reactor go kasplooey.

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Easy to explain. Ritterov, O'neillin, Rawlinsky, all fools.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

Fools do not make Soviet reactor go kasplooey! And not moose and squirrel neither! We must read information!

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Cannot advise, Comrade Harrisov. In Russia, information--

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

Read you! Yes! Shut mouth!

Nuclear physicist EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA shows up.

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

I bring information. More to do after residents leave and sand buckets fall. Very dangerful, great riskiness, but if not done... much bigger kasplooey and West finds out.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

Where to find men to do dangerful work?

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Ah! THIS I know. First we send in all soldiers, and when much of soldiers die, we grab other men off street and out of jails and make them do. Is Soviet way for many generations.

INT. HOSPITAL

Meanwhile, Ukrainian housewife JESSIE TIMOVNA BUCKLEYENKO visits her husband, firefighter ADAM BARRYEVICH NAGAITISCHUK.

ADAM BARRYEVICH NAGAITISCHUK

(looks like he just got back from the beach)

Darling, how you get here? Nurses cannot touch me. They give me medicine through long curly straw and wash me with rag on stick.

JESSIE TIMOVNA BUCKLEYENKO

No concern. You are handsome husband and I am to not fear to touch you.

ADAM BARRYEVICH NAGAITISCHUK

(looks like an inside-out scab)

You are woman of greatest valor. You did not spend muchly to bribing guards? We should save rubles for trip to Petersburg.

JESSIE TIMOVNA BUCKLEYENKO

Not muchly. When you heal we book tickets of train.

ADAM BARRYEVICH NAGAITISCHUK

(looks like a slice of pizza as prepared by Satan)

When me and friends to go put out more fires?

JESSIE TIMOVNA BUCKLEYENKO

No one tells. I hear they want to get rid of fire department so West does not think town has many fires.

ADAM BARRYEVICH NAGAITISCHUK

(looks like he just threw open the Ark)

Oh, well. Maybe I get around to write novel.

JESSIE TIMOVNA BUCKLEYENKO

Perhaps better to put out fires in different town for steady rubles. You pregnanted me.

ADAM BARRYEVICH NAGAITISCHUK

(is just a skeleton now)

Pregnanted? Oh, Jessie, what excititude!

(jawbone falls off)

JESSIE TIMOVNA BUCKLEYENKO

(calls down hallway)

Does nurses have two thumbtack?

In the next room, EMILY tries to interview PAUL.

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

Sam and Robert say not-kasplooey button make kasplooey. How to explain?

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

Cannot give fuck.

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

Paul, you MUST begin giving fuck. You want all Soviet Union to have two minutes hate for you in future? With information I can make people hate politics more.

PAUL KENNETHOVICH RITTEROV

Stupid moo-cow. In Russia, politics hates you.

As if on cue, the SECRET POLICEMAN in the corner removes the LAMPSHADE from his head and arrests EMILY!

EXT. UKRAINIAN/BELARUSSIAN ZONE OF ABSOLUTE NYET

VARIOUS FOREST CREATURES watch as all the HUMANS are evacuated.

DEER

(antlers fall off)

Where do humans go?

BEAR

(fur turns ionized red)

To big, big human place with tall houses. I have seen. Many tasty dumpsters.

CHIPMUNK

(nuts shrivel)

So we can go to small houses and take snack?

BIRD

(frantically flies over)

No animal snack time! More humans come with boom sticks! I see them just--

(plummets to ground)

DEER, BEAR, and CHIPMUNK run away just as conscripts BARRY DUNNOVICH KEOGHANOV and FARES JANOVICH FARESHVILI arrive.

FARES JANOVICH FARESHVILI

Simple order. You see animal, shoot. You see bug, shoot. You see person, shoot, steal things, shoot again.

BARRY DUNNOVICH KEOGHANOV

What if I am not wanting to be shooting?

FARES JANOVICH FARESHVILI

(shrugs)

Knock trees. Wash roads. Go back to nuclear plant and throw death rocks into death hole. Lots of choice.

BARRY sighs, takes a big swig of VODKA, and shoots a BUTTERFLY.

FARES JANOVICH FARESHVILI

(claps him on the shoulder)

Now you have mighty Soviet penis.

INT. A GOVERNMENT BUILDING SO UGLY AND IMPERSONAL THAT IT IMMEDIATELY PUTS ONE IN THE MINDSET OF APPLYING FOR A CANADIAN PASSPORT THIS YEAR

JARED and STELLAN get EMILY released.

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

Answer is somewhere. Library lets me read one article without two pages. I bet two pages explain how reactor go kasplooey.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

Oh... I am remembering. Old colleague tells me once. Reactors have things to stop kasplooey most of time, but parts of those things are maked from death rocks. But death rocks only deathy when engineers do wrong engine things like Ritterov. And state knowed this but does not tell Ritterov because they are not wanting to look like dumb-dumbs.

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

Then we must tell how they are dumb-dumbs! Soviet Union has many death rock reactors!

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

We are to tell, you say? Then we will have death with no rocks! In Russia, death rocks you! You are agreeing, Harrisov?

But JARED has disappeared!

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

(looks, sighs)

Comrade Harrisov, we know is you under lampshade in corner.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

(under lampshade in corner)

Is not.

INT. COURTROOM

STELLAN and EMILY testify against PAUL, CON, and ADRIAN.

STELLAN JANOVICH SKARSGÅRDIUK

Con and Adrian give bad orders to Paul to do safety test on wrong night. They are bad men. Feed to wolves.

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

Paul gives bad orders to Sam and Robert to press button at wrong minute. They are bad men. Feed to wolves.

They both turn to JARED.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

Yes, Con and Adrian and Paul are bad men who we must be feeding to wolves...

(pauses)

...but you know what else is to be fed to wolves? GOVERNMENT OF SOVIET UNION.

AUDIENCE

(gasps)

EMILY RICHARDOVNA WATSONUSKAYA

(grins)

ONE OF MANY MEN IN ILL-FITTING SUITS AND COKE-BOTTLE GLASSES WHO HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED 20 YEARS OLDER THAN THEY ARE

(suffers rectal prolapse)

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

You hear me in correctness. Soviet Union lie to Paul about reactor having chance to go kasplooey. This to try make Soviet Union be looking good at reactors. But now Soviet Union is looking bad at reactors and also there is cancer and skeletons who talk to pregnanted women. I call you dumb-dumb, you may shoot.

Instead he gets hauled off into a room with deputy head secret policeman ALAN DUNNOVICH WILLIAMSENEV.

ALAN DUNNOVICH WILLIAMSENEV

You are thinking you are very smart dork of geekness, yes, Comrade Harrisov? But no. You are being the dumb-dumb. The courtroom was not being like The Court of the People of American television. We never write down, we never talk, and imperialist pigs will never to know you were existing.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

Your mother knows.

ALAN DUNNOVICH WILLIAMSENEV

I FEED YOU TO WOLVES TOMORROW.

JARED goes home and records EVERYTHING.

JARED RICHARDOVICH HARRISOV

(into tape recorder)

"Soviet Union is being made of dumb-dumbs who lie about reactor going kasplooey. Soviet people must reject union to eat Macs of Big, wear denim pants, and not get the cancer. This is being Jared Richardovich Harrisov, who says 'Stalin was wanker.'"

INT. EPILOGUE

The UKRAINIAN/BELARUSSIAN ZONE OF ABSOLUTE NYET is only MOSTLY NYET now, as long as you're willing to wear CLOTHES YOU DON'T LIKE when you visit.

PAUL, CON, and ADRIAN were sent to NATIONAL BE-POUNDING-YOU-IN-ASS LABOR PRISON. CON and ADRIAN both returned to working in the ENERGY INDUSTRY. They generously allowed PAUL to be a LAMP.

EMILY never existed. That's not SOVIET REVISIONISM, just the fact that she was a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. Just trust me on THIS ONE.

STELLAN and UNTOLD NUMBERS OF OTHERS died from ACUTE KASPLOOEY SYNDROME.

After reminding everyone we still needed him to round out the cast of EVERY NEW HISTORICAL DRAMA EVER, JARED was never fed to the WOLVES.

The SOVIET UNION is dead.

UKRAINE is not.

SLAVA UKRAINI