FADE IN:

SIMON PEGG (V/O)

Hi everyone, and welcome to the conclusion of the trilogy started by "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz"! Let me begin by giving you the main characters' backstory.

(pause)

Of course, fans of those other movies know that we LOVE to hide huge spoilers in the early going. So they'll all be watching for that, which would make us pretty daft if we actually went and did it again, right?

(pause)

Funny thing.

SIMON goes ahead and GIVES AWAY THE WHOLE PLOT. Well, ALMOST.

EXT. BRITAIN

SIMON travels about recruiting EDDIE MARSAN / PADDY CONSIDINE / MARTIN FREEMAN / NICK FROST.

SIMON PEGG

C'mon, let's go on a pub crawl like when we were young!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Fuck off asshole.

SIMON PEGG

PLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Forget it. We know you'll say anything to get your way, no matter how underhanded or manipulative. So we're not falling for it any more.

SIMON PEGG

But, ah... my Mom died?

(mails Mother's Day card, flowers)

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Fine.

INT. PUB #1 - THE LOFTY PREMISE

The GANG sit down with a round of DRINKS.

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Blah blah grownup blah blah responsibility blah.

SIMON PEGG

You're all such wankers for growing up! You should be stuck in the 80s like me, with my beater car and cassette tapes and Rubik's Cubes and Falklands War and no Internet. I'm totally awesome!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Oh you don't fool us. You may act the pathetic loser, but we know that when the shit really hits the fan, you'll dig down and find the hero within.

SIMON PEGG

(thinks)

If my hero within turns out to be identical to my asshole without, does it still count?

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

(shrugs)

INT. PUB #2 - THE SIGHTED GAG

The GANG dutifully enter the NEXT PUB.

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

This pub looks exactly the same!

SIMON PEGG

So it does. Well it's not foreshadowing of how repetitive this movie's going to be, THAT'S for bloody sure.

INT. PUB #3 - THE INCONGRUOUS CHARACTER

The GANG, hey guess what, enter the NEXT PUB.

SIMON PEGG

Barkeep! Have I recited the premise of this movie to you yet? It gets hard to keep track after the ninetieth time.

BARTENDER

No you have not. But apparently this is the only pub that hasn't been transformed into congenial blandness! Now PISS OFF!!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Gosh, later on we should realize this could be our one human ally in the entire town.

(rush out)

Spoiler! We don't.

INT. PUB #4 - THE MIXED GENRE

The GANG have more DRINKS.

ROSAMUND PIKE

(entering)

Hi everyone! I'm a girl!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Simon, how the fuck are we going to carry this plot through eight more sodding pubs?

SIMON PEGG

Alien robots of course!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

You mean we'll get to leave this pointless pub crawl behind and move forward into a new exciting story?

SIMON PEGG

Ah, no, we'll still be doing the pointless pub crawl, but with alien robots.

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Oh sweet Christ.

SIMON decides to get things started by picking a fight with a TEENAGER in the BATHROOM, then PILEDRIVING THE KID'S HEAD RIGHT INTO A URINAL. Luckily the kid is actually a ROBOT so SIMON avoids being a CRAZED KILLER!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

(rushing in)

Oh shit, what's going on?!

SIMON PEGG

Thank God you're here! It's going to take all five of us to defeat this one headless robot!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Won't that directly groinpunch all the scenes later on when we wipe the floor with dozens of robots, including the fully restored version of this one?

SIMON PEGG

No, because we'll be more powerful by then, by virtue of being more drunk. Yay for alcoholism, is the message we're going for.

They DEFEAT the HEADLESS ROBOT and then, their world view irrevocably changed and everything they believed thrown into chaos, they go back on their PUB CRAWL.

INT. PUB #5 - THE CROSSED REFERENCE

The GANG arrive at YET ANOTHER PUB.

MARTIN FREEMAN

You're serious. We're actually going to spend the whole movie walking from place to place, taking a fairly simple story and stretching it out just to cram in a bunch of locations...

SIMON PEGG

A-FUCKING-HEM, Bilbo.

MARTIN FREEMAN

(hesitates, frowns)

Right.

INT. PUB #6 - THE PROLONGED REVEAL

SIMON PEGG

So, old guy that used to sell me drugs, what's the deal with all the robots?

OLD GUY

How'd you know most of the town are robots? Damn, I broke character, now I have to go die.

(goes to die)

Funny I'm not more upset about that.

RANDOM BAR PATRON

Oh boy, you're gonna wish you hadn't blown your cover like that! The gloves are coming off!

SIMON PEGG

(looking round)

What, you mean, right now?

RANDOM BAR PATRON

Well, eventually. No need to rush things.

SIMON PEGG

Let's move along then... hey, where's Martin?

MARTIN FREEMAN

(returning)

Sorry, I had to go be replaced by a robot. Quite obviously so, but you won't figure it out for at least three scenes after the audience does.

INT. PUB #7 - THE PADDED VIOLENCE

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Grumble blah pronouns blah.

SIMON PEGG

Oooh right, let's play at pronouns! Me!

EDDIE / PADDY / MARTIN / NICK

Them.

SIMON PEGG

Her! Ah, our trademark wordplay at its finest. Let's fight some more robots!

ROSAMUND PIKE

Sounds good, I brought a couple with me! I'm still here, by the way.

They FIGHT the TWIN ROBOTS in a VERY LOUD AND DESTRUCTIVE FASHION for QUITE A WHILE and then, having once more taken events well past the tipping point where any facade has become pointless, saunter out to continue the PUB CRAWL.

INT. PUB #8 - THE IMPROBABLE DISTRACTION

The GANG are approached by three SAUCY GIRLS.

EDDIE MARSAN

My gosh, our teenage crushes who haven't aged a day in 30 years, in a town full of evil robot duplicates. There's really only one conclusion to draw from HURRRR PENIS GOT BIGGER HURRRRR DANCE WITH PRETTY LAYDEEZ

Luckily they are SAVED by a GRUMPY OLD COOT and his MAGIC POWERS! Invigorated by their narrow escape, they seize the initiative and heroically go right back to doing the PUB CRAWL.

INT. PUB #9 - THE FORCED CAMEO

PIERCE BROSNAN

I'm Pierce Brosnan! Look, guys, you should really reconsider this whole robot takeover thing.

MARTIN FREEMAN

I agree.

ROSAMUND PIKE

OH FUCK Martin didn't hesitate and frown before talking! HE'S ONE OF THEM!!!

NICK leaps into action and BASHES the TOP HALF OF MARTIN'S HEAD CLEAN THE FUCK OFF!

SEMI-HEADLESS MARTIN FREEMAN

Well, that's just wonderful. How am I supposed to blink in puzzlement NOW?! God's bollocks!!

(sighs)

I assume that I'm going to be the only robot in the whole movie that can't repair itself? But, of course I am.

SIMON PEGG

C'mon guys! Time for the most essential part of any British sci-fi parody/homage... an extended Jackie Chan fight sequence! I'm serious, we even got the stunt co-ordinator from Rush Hour 3.

There is ANOTHER VERY LONG FIGHT INDEED which also cleverly serves the dual purpose of NOTHING ELSE.

INT. PUB #10 - THE PEGG'S ID

PADDY CONSIDINE

Wait, how do I know you guys aren't robots? Prove you're human!

SIMON PEGG

Okay!

(bashes own face in)

Look, blood!

NICK FROST

And here's my spleen! How about you, Eddie?

EDDIE MARSAN

Still human! But also surrounded by robots about to zap my soul or something. Honestly, it's all a bit vague... pretty sure I'm fucked though. Good luck, chaps!

(is swarmed)

INT. PUB #11 - THE HOLE IN THE PLOT

SIMON PEGG

Hurry, we've got to finish the crawl before they catch up to us!

NICK FROST

For fuck's sake, you've announced to the entire town, multiple times, exactly what your intended route is and where you'll wind up. Why in fuck would they bother chasing us when they can simply walk over to your end goal and wait there?

SIMON PEGG

I dunno. Anyway, you've noticed how all the pub names are connected to the storyline?

NICK FROST

I have.

SIMON PEGG

Well in the actual movie this pub is "The Hole in the Wall", so now we have to jump through a hole in the wall.

NICK FROST

Subtle.

PADDY CONSIDINE

AAAGH THEY GOT ME TOO BUT ACTUALLY NOT BUT REALLY WHO GIVES A FUCK

INT. PUB #12 - THE FILM'S END

SIMON and NICK barge into the FINAL PUB and find a SPOTLIGHTED BEER which exists because

NICK FROST

Nooooooooooo don't drink that! You must evolve as a character!

SIMON PEGG

Bet you I don't!

They CONFRONT the ALIEN HIVE MIND THING!

ALIEN INTELLIGENCE

Look, guys, I only want what 30,000 other alien intelligences have wanted before me. World peace through surrender of individuality, guide your destiny through benevolent control, the usual.

SIMON PEGG

So if we let you carry out your plan, we might potentially avoid no end of wars, crime, and general horrific loss of life. And you only need to replace certain key people to make your plan work.

ALIEN INTELLIGENCE

Correct.

SIMON PEGG

Right then. FUCK OFF!!

ALIEN INTELLIGENCE

Fine, I will. Hey, who's seen Escape from LA?

The ALIENS unleash a GIANT E.M.P. that FRAGS THE WHOLE PLANET including PLANES and HOSPITALS and yeah.

SIMON PEGG

I'm a hero!

NICK FROST

No you're not. You just killed millions of people.

SIMON PEGG

Yes I fucking am. I got the hero arc, just like the last two movies. Except instead of "Simon gets the girl" or "Simon gets the buddy", it's "Simon gets robot duplicates of the teenaged versions of his friends so he can relive his adolescent glory indefinitely while a secondary character gets the girl".

NICK FROST

Can't argue with that.

SIMON proceeds to ROAM THE EARTH meting out SWIFT, VIOLENT JUSTICE to anyone feeling at all BITTER towards the aliens that destroyed all human civilization.

END