FADE IN:

INT. A STAGE

Enter NETFLIX.

NETFLIX

O for a muse of fire that would ascend,

A Shakespeare remake thou canst actually comprehend!

You might wonder if the Bard

Beyond all repair hath now been marred,

Or if we have anything new to say

After Branagh and Olivier.

But admit me Netflix to this history;

Who prologue-like your humble patience pray,

Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our Chalamet!

Exeunt.

EXT. DESATURATED MEDIEVAL ENGLAND

PRINCE TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET parties like there is no morrow together with JOEL EDGERTON’S ALE-SOAKED BEARD and also JOEL EDGERTON.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Oh, I just can’t wait to never be king!

(does keg stand)

After asking his barber for the “permed shag carpet” look, KING BEN MENDELSOHN shuts down the carousing.

JOEL EDGERTON

Narc!

BEN MENDELSOHN

Timmy, thou art a drunken wastrel whose fuckboy energy is embarrassing the kingdom. And that’s right, I just dropped some f-bombs to let you know what kind of movie this is gonna be.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

(vaping)

Please don’t say “gritty Shakespeare reboot.”

BEN MENDELSOHN

That’s a gritty fucking Shakespeare reboot to you. Fuck fuckity fucking fuck!

(long pause)

Fuck.

JOEL EDGERTON

And my take on Falstaff turns one of the Bard’s most beloved comedic characters into a depressed veteran who drowns his PTSD with alcohol!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

(sighs in iambic pentameter)

EXT. A COLORLESS BATTLEFIELD

TIMOTHÉE’s brother DEAN-CHARLES CHAPMAN prepares to fight TOM GLYNN-CARNEY over the right to having a hyphenated name.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

You can both have one! We don’t have to keep fighting just because our dad is a warmongering dick.

DEAN-CHARLES CHAPMAN

Let me guess -- you want to solve this with another dreary, agonizingly slow discussion?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Actually, I was thinking “fistfight in plate armor.”

TOM GLYNN-CARNEY

Fuck yeah. Ready thyself to rumble!

(impaled)

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Okay, Dean-Charles, I’m going to leave you with your army pointed at Tom’s army, knowing that you’re even more pissed off now from me stealing your thunder, and trust you not to do anything stupid...because I’m the responsible one.

(angelic smile)

INT. BROTHEL OF PASSIONLESS SEX

Royal advisor SEAN HARRIS finds TIMOTHÉE sleeping off his post-battle victory bash.

SEAN HARRIS

Dean-Charles has been slain!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Whoever could have seen that coming?!

SEAN HARRIS

Now that you shall be king, you should really make nice with your father.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

No.

JOEL EDGERTON

Now that you shall be king, you should really make nice with your father.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

No.

TIMOTHÉE and the rest of the PLAYERS perform this scene seventeen more times until he finally agrees.

INT. CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY PALACE

BEN lies on his deathbed.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

You wish now that our places had been exchanged -- that I had died and Dean-Charles had lived.

BEN MENDELSOHN

Yes...I wish that.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Since you are robbed of Dean-Charles, I will do what I can in his stead.

BEN MENDELSOHN

(faint whisper)

(plaintive wheeze)

(death rattle)

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

What an emotionally gut-wrenching scene...this might have been if I could understand a single fucking word of that.

TIMOTHÉE gets a ROYAL BOWL CUT and becomes -- title drop! -- THE KING. THOMASIN MCKENZIE arrives for the ceremony.

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Greetings, Timothée! I’m playing your sister, because Natalia Dyer must have been busy. Seriously, you guys have the exact same chin.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Well dang, never gonna unsee that.

TIMOTHÉE unpacks his new monarch swag bag, which includes a MECHANICAL BIRD and some CAMELS (no, really).

THOMASIN MCKENZIE

Ooh, perfect for your new animal kingdom!

DIRECTOR DAVID MICHÔD

(smirks)

SEAN HARRIS

So Timothée, you know what really pairs well with a coronation? Bloody, soul-shattering war!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Hard pass, that was more my dad’s thing.

(tie-dyes tunic)

(drum circles)

(hula hoops)

SEAN HARRIS

But look, the French king sent you some BALLS! And started a rumor that you banged a peach! Oh and also sent a very real, totally not fake assassin after you. Probably should have led with that.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Those are some serious accusations, so I better ask some basic follow-up questions and get to the bottom of this before doing anything rash like invade France.

But first, TIMOTHÉE visits JOEL for another somber discussion.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

It’s been a while since I took AP English, but this is the one with the big battle at the end, right? Maybe we could just skip ahead to that?

JOEL EDGERTON

Nope, the plot must remain at a speed that could generously be called “deliberately paced” because something-something-Oscar bait-something-something-war is hell or whatever.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Fiiine. Anyway, sorry I’ve been ghosting you but I just haven’t had time for ragers. Let’s go do some war instead -- I promise it’ll be almost as fun.

EXT. BARREN, WINDSWEPT FRANCE

TIMOTHÉE and his army begin their invasion and then immediately stop for a SIEGE. But, like, a moody and artistic one.

SEAN HARRIS

Just attack them already! This war has barely had any actual war in it yet, plus then you can do some brooding version of the “Once more unto the breach” speech!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Hmm, seems risky...Joel, what do you think?

JOEL EDGERTON

...

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Great, thanks for the sage advice. Looks I’ll actually have to make a decision and show some real leadership here --

SEAN HARRIS

Oh look, they surrendered.

THE DAUPHIN ROBERT PATTINSON suddenly appears in a flurry of WHIMSICAL ACCORDION MUSIC.

ROBERT PATTINSON

‘Ello, mon cheri! Because I am le stupid, I ‘ave come to brag about all ze ‘eelarious ways I shall keel you, plus to insult your leetle, uh, how you say, Eiffel Tower, and murder some cheeldren.

(farts in TIMOTHÉE’s general direction)

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Um, holy shit. Did you escape from some other movie where people are actually allowed to have fun?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oui, petit Timmy! Would you like to join me zere?

(cavorts)

JOEL bursts in.

JOEL EDGERTON

NO TIMOTHÉE DO NOT BE DECEIVED THERE IS NO JOY ALLOWED IN LIFE ALL IS GREY AND POINTLESS

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

But even Shakespeare’s tragedies can have some funny stuff in them, so isn’t Robert actually onto something --

JOEL EDGERTON

EACH DAY IS JUST ANOTHER STEP TOWARDS DEATH WE WILL ALL BE ALONE IN THE COLD EMBRACE OF NOTHINGNESS AND ETERNAL SORROW

ROBERT PATTINSON

Merde alors, and I zought Twilight was depressingly lifeless. Au revoir!

ROBERT cartwheels away while kazooing La Marseillaise.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Nooo! If I can’t have fun then no one can -- Joel, kill all of the prisoners!

JOEL EDGERTON

No, my liege, even for me that’s a tad too grim.

EXT. THE FUCKING HOBBIT MOVIES HAD BETTER PACING

TIMOTHÉE and his ARMY march around until they meet ROBERT again, this time with his BIGGER ARMY.

ROBERT PATTINSON

It’s over, Timothée -- I have ze 'igh ground!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Well, I know I can’t rely on Joel, so THIS time I’ll really have to make a tough choice all on my own and --

JOEL EDGERTON

(proudly clears throat)

Attention, everyone: I know exactly what to do.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

...never mind.

JOEL EDGERTON

We start by taking off all our armor, and tomorrow after it rains, we’ll use a small force to lure the French into a charge. And because they’re overconfident dicklings, they’ll fall for it and get stuck in the mud!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

I guess we just have to hope Robert didn’t watch Outlaw King. Or really any movie that ends with the outnumbered heroes tricking the bad guys into an ambush.

JOEL EDGERTON

So, The Patriot, The Last Samurai, Saving Private Ryan...you know, ALL the movies.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Hmm. Anywho, how do you know it’s going to rain?

JOEL EDGERTON

I have a magic knee.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Forget I asked.

EXT. BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS AGINCOURT

Finally, FINALLY, we get to the real action -- and if you thought it was hard keeping track of who was who earlier with just two faceless guys in armor, good luck now when there are HUNDREDS OF THEM!

JOEL EDGERTON

I know, I’ll stand in front of the whole army! Then everyone will know it’s me and --

A HORSE immediately TRAMPLES THE LIVING FUCK out of JOEL and knocks him back in with the rest of the KNIGHTS.

JOEL EDGERTON

I know, I’ll take my helmet off! Then everyone will know it’s me and --

JOEL gets stabbed or suffocates or something -- despite trying his darndest to get killed, for some reason we never really see what happens. *Shrug emoji*

TIMOTHÉE and the rest of his ARMY charge out of the trees.

THE FRENCH ARMY

Zut alors, Birnam Wood is moving!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Wrong play, bitch!

TIMOTHÉE stabs most of the FRENCH ARMY and whee would ya look at that, it’s another of those trendy one-take action scenes and it’d actually be kinda cool if most of the audience wasn’t already asleep.

ROBERT emerges from the shadows in his BLACK ARMOR like some kind of, oh I don’t know, DARK KNIGHT or something.

THE ENGLISH ARMY

The hell are you supposed to be?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Je suis vengeance!

MUD

Get fucked.

ROBERT slips and slides and falls onto seventeen different swords in a death so wacky it’s one laugh track away from France’s Funniest Home Videos. And with that, the battle is won!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Alas, Joel is slain! I shall honor his memory by showing some real growth and sparing the lives of all the French prisoners like he would have wanted.

(pause)

PSYCH! Let them eat death.

INT. YUP THIS IS STILL GOING

TIMOTHÉE gets set to marry ROBERT’S SISTER.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Eeew, arranged marriages are gross and --

(sees it’s LILY-ROSE DEPP)

-- actually a very good idea yes please thank you.

LILY-ROSE DEPP

Before you commit any more war crimes, you should know that my dad didn’t actually send that assassin. I mean, the real Charles VI thought he was made of glass and was known as “the mad,” but he’s totally trustworthy.

SEAN HARRIS

Psssh, ignore her! We have peace, and you’ve learned a real lesson about the messy realities of politics. Plus with all that new French land, I’m now a sheep tycoon!

(pause)

Okay, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

But...wait a minute...that means...

The PALACE TRUMPETEERS suddenly kick into a witchy horn riff!

SEAN HARRIS

(singing)

Who’s been messing up everything?

It’s been Sean Harris all along!

Who’s been pulling every evil string?

It’s been Sean Harris all along!

(maniacal laugh)

And I killed Joel Edgerton, too!

(stabbed)

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Fuuuck, I had just gotten that out of my head!

END.