FADE IN:

EXT. SCENIC NOVA SCOTIA, EH

HOBO RUTGER HAUER rides a TRAIN through PICTURESQUE CANADIAN SCENERY while the OBLIGATORY RETRO-70S CREDITS THAT EVERY TARANTINO-INSPIRED FILM MUST HAVE roll by.

RUTGER HAUER

Ah, a film financed in part by Telefilm Canada and set in a Maritime province. No doubt this will be a quirky character study that illuminates some subtle aspects of the Canadian national identity, while also satisfying a number of arts-council funding requirements.

RUTGER gets off the TRAIN and goes into TOWN and PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING and KILLING and BEATING EACH OTHER UP FOR MONEY and SHREDDING EACH OTHER'S LIMBS FOR SPORT AND BLOOD RUSHES THROUGH THE GUTTERS AND EVIL DEVIANT SANTAS ARE KIDNAPPING CHILDREN IN BROAD DAYLIGHT AND HOOKER NUNS ARE RAPING ANNE OF GREEN GABLES WITH SPLINTERED HOCKEY STICKS AND HOLY SWEET BLEEDING JESUS CRAP.

RUTGER HAUER

(stunned)

What the fuck?!?

PASSERBY DRENCHED IN OWN BLOOD

You know how actual Tarantino movies are 95% dialogue, interspersed with brief jolts of insanely intense violence? This movie is like the photo negative of that.

Suddenly one of the TRAILER PARK BOYS staggers round a corner wearing a MANHOLE COLLAR and looking a bit too much like someone from WILD WILD WEST, which you may recall, SUCKED ASS. He is pursued by the CRAZY MANIC PIMP BOSS VILLAIN!

TRAILER PARK BOY

(hysterical)

BLAARRGH!

HUGELY OVERACTED BOSS VILLAIN

(screaming incomprehensibly)

YYEEEAARRRGH! WABBA WABBA WABBA!!!!!!!

The STRATOSPHERICALLY OVER-THE-TOP BOSS VILLAIN KILLS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE TRAILER PARK BOY!

RUTGER HAUER

Holy crap, I gotta scram before they start gangbanging the cast of Road to Avonlea.

INT. WORLD'S MOST EVIL VIOLENT ARCADE

GREGORY SMITH and his GOONS gleefully TORTURE and DISMEMBER people while EVILLY WEARING SUNGLASSES.

IDIOT ARCADE GOER

This IS set in present day, right? Why the hell are we playing arcade games?

GREGORY SMITH

FUCK YOU! For asking that, I will snap your arm like a twig around the joystick, because in this town nothing is as frail or flimsy as the human body! NOTHING! Hell, I broke my jaw against a stiff breeze this morning! NOW DO THESE 40 POUNDS OF COCAINE ALL AT ONCE!!

IDIOT ARCADE GOER

FLURRRGH! I SHOULD BE INSTANTLY DEAD YET I AM NOT!

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

Oh way to go Gregory, he was about to get the high score in this fictional arcade game which is called "Plague" for some reason!

GREGORY SMITH

Yeah, I don't understand the name either, but there was a whole special design credit for "Plague" in the opening credits, so combined with this, it's gotta be awesome, whatever it is! Yes indeed.

(pause)

Oh crap, we've gone five seconds without shouting. RAAARGH NOW YOU DIE!!

Luckily RUTGER shows up and RESCUES MOLLY!

INT. MOLLY DUNSWORTH'S APARTMENT

RUTGER HAUER

Thank you for offering me shelter in this hellhole town.

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

Guess this might be a good time to learn something about who you are, so that we can give a fuck what happens to you later.

RUTGER HAUER

You're right, so instead I will mumble some half-assed nonsense about bears and how I am like a bear because of bears.

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

(sighs)

Why not, we're basically just doing Defendor but with graphic violence instead of characterization.

INT. PAWN SHOP

RUTGER HAUER walks in to buy a LAWNMOWER because in his tragic backstory he

MASKED GOONS

OKAY THIS IS A HOLDUP!! RAAARGHH!!!

But right next to the LAWNMOVER is a SHOTGUN! And because this is THE MOST CRIME-INFESTED CITY IN THE UNIVERSE, it is of course both UNSECURED and FULLY LOADED!

RUTGER HAUER

SHOTGUN POWERS ACTIVATE!!

(shoots goons)

MASKED GOON

(crumpled in lake of own blood)

Okay, I'm just saying, when Bruce Willis finds a samurai sword in a pawn shop, it makes sense for it to be already fully loaded, because it's a SWORD.

(dies)

RUTGER HAUER

(howling with rage)

TIME TO DEAL OUT BLOODY JUSTICE!!

STORE OWNER

Why's that, Rutger?

RUTGER HAUER

(howling with rage)

THERE'S A VOICE THAT KEEPS ON CALLING ME...

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY

RUTGER HAUER FINDS A PIMP!

RUTGER HAUER

(howling, etc)

...SHOOTING EVIL FUCKS, THAT'S WHERE I'LL ALWAYS BE!

RUTGER HAUER SHOOTS THE FUCK OUT OF THE PIMP!

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY

RUTGER HAUER FINDS EVIL SANTA!!

RUTGER HAUER

MAYBE TOMORROW, I'LL WANT TO SETTLE DOWN...

RUTGER HAUER SHOOTS THE FUCK OUT OF EVIL SANTA!!

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY

RUTGER HAUER FINDS A GUY EXPLOITING HOMELESS PEOPLE BY MAKING MOVIES OF THEM BEATING EACH OTHER UP AND EATING GLASS AND OTHERWISE HARMING THEMSELVES FOR MONEY!!!

RUTGER HAUER

...UNTIL TOMORROW, I'LL KEEP BLOWING AWAY GODDAMN PUNK BASTARDS WITH MY SHOTGUN!!!!

RUTGER HAUER SHOOTS THE FUCK OUT OF THE GUY EXPLOITING HOMELESS PEOPLE BY MAKING MOVIES OF THEM BEATING EACH OTHER UP AND EATING GLASS AND OTHERWISE HARMING THEMSELVES FOR MONEY!!!!

DOWNTRODDEN KID

Thanks, Lethalest Hobo!

(regains hope)

INT. REALLY REALLY PAINFULLY FAKE TV NEWS STUDIO

CANADIAN NATIONAL TV PERSONALITY GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS

In other news, the wall behind me is a shower curtain.

GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS takes a SKATE TO THE CHEST thrown by GREGORY SMITH!!

GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS

ARRRRGH!!

(to international audience)

IN CANADA THIS IS HILARIOUS!!

CANADA

NOT REALLY!!!

EXT. ALLEY

MOLLY DUNSWORTH is cornered by a DIRTY COP!

DIRTY COP

FUCK YOU MOLLY!

RUTGER HAUER

(cocking shotgun)

FUCK YOU DIRTY COP!

DIRTY COP

GODDAMN IT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS AMMO?!??

RUTGER HAUER

THIS TOWN IS SO VIOLENT THE AIR ITSELF IS MADE OF AMMO!!! I JUST HAVE TO WAVE MY SHOTGUN AROUND AND IT RELOADS ITSELF!!

RUTGER BLOWS THE DIRTY COP'S HEAD CLEAN OFF! Then he TOTALLY SHOOTS THE DEAD BODY and it BLOWS APART!! Then he TOTALLY BLOWS AWAY THE INDIVIDUAL DNA STRANDS, THEN SHOOTS THE COMPONENT ATOMS ALL TO SHIT, FUCK YEAH!!!

INT. BOSS VILLAIN'S OVERDONE EVIL LAIR

FURIOUSLY OVERACTED BOSS VILLAIN

(addressing roomful of goons)

This unknown criminal-killer is really pissing me off! I order you all to go kill anyone and everyone that shares his primary characteristic!!

(pause)

Oh crap, now we share a plot point with that ass-tarded Green Hornet movie! FUCK!!

EXT. STREET

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

Why'd you save me, Rutger?

RUTGER HAUER

Well not that anyone's noticed, but I've been acting my goddamn ass off this whole movie, and you're the only other actor around who's shown even the slightest micron of interest in barely developing their character. Everyone else just screams and

GREGORY SMITH

HEY RUTGER I'M GOING TO KILL YOU WITH SKATES JUST LIKE I DID TO GEORGE SNUFFALUPAGUS OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS!! HELLO, CANCON POINTS!!!

RUTGER SHOOTS GREGORY in the CROTCH!!

RUTGER HAUER

HA! I JUST SHOT YOUR COCK OFF!

GREGORY SMITH

SO WHAT?!? I can still kill you, it's not like this movie gives the tiniest fuck about laws of physiology or anatomy or...

(bleeds to death)

...SERIOUSLY?!??

GREGORY SMITH gets DRAGGED OFF to either HELL or ANOTHER SEASON OF ROOKIE BLUE if it gets picked up.

INT. BOSS VILLAIN LAIR

MOST OVERACTED VILLAIN OF ALL TIME AND YES I AM INCLUDING AL PACINO AS SCARFACE AND ROBERT BLAKE IN LOST HIGHWAY

(cackling)

Time to call in the big guns! Summon... THE PLAGUE!

OTHER EVIL FUCK

Oh boy, finally we get to see the mysterious element we've been building up to since back at the beginning of the movie! This is gonna be sweet...

TWO GUYS in LEFTOVER MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME COSTUMES walk in.

OTHER EVIL FUCK

...ah, what's the point.

(crushes own head)

INT. HOSPITAL

RUTGER HAUER looks at a ROOM OF BABIES.

RUTGER HAUER

Hm, Hard-Boiled got a lot of mileage out of having babies in a shootout. Maybe...

(thinks)

Nah, in THIS movie they'd probably get buzzsawed in half. Better leave them here.

(directly to camera)

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN!!!!

EXT. STREET

OVER-THE-TOP BOSS VILLAIN IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THAT LARRY KING MIGHT BE SAID TO BE "OVER THE HILL"

(frothing at mouth)

I AM GOING TO TEAR THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TOWN APART BLARRRGH!!!

Things go EVEN MORE TOTALLY TO SHIT than BEFORE when they had merely TOTALLY GONE TO SHIT!

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

Hm, this looks bad. I know, I'll rally ALL the hobos and homeless people, with a rousing speech about how totally awesome it is to be penniless and destitute!

CROWD OF HOMELESS PEOPLE

Fuck off.

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

Guess it's all up to me, then. Trouble is, Rutger needs someone to rescue, AND someone to help him defeat all those bad guys. Therefore, I am going to alternate between supercool ass-kicker and helpless, screaming victim for the rest of the movie, starting now!

(kicks bad guy ass)

Eat shit, asshole!!

(different bad guy takes hold of one of her arms somewhat less than gingerly)

AIEEE! EEEK!! Save me, Rutger!!!

(rips bad guy in half, swoons to ground holding handkerchief to forehead)

EXT. ANOTHER STREET

BOSS VILLAIN FOR WHOM "THE TOP" MAY AS WELL BE THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF HELL ITSELF, HE IS SO FAR OVER IT

(face covered in bubbling mouth-froth)

BWAH HA HA HA HA I HAVE PUT RUTGER IN A MANHOLE COLLAR AND BLLAARARGGH!

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

Hold on, Rutger! I recovered, and now I'M here to save YOU!

(gets hand shredded off by lawnmower)

Aw, nuts.

MOLLY uses her SEVERED BONE to lift the MANHOLE COLLAR off RUTGER HAUER, which does not even crack the TOP FIFTY MOST IMPOSSIBLE THINGS DONE WITH THE HUMAN BODY IN THIS MOVIE.

At that point the DIRTY COPS, OTHER HOBOS, REMAINING THUGS, THE "PLAGUE", AND ENTIRE POPULATION OF NOVA SCOTIA arrive and create a 946,397(est.)-WAY MEXICAN STANDOFF!

BOSS VILLAIN WHO OVERACTS TO THE SAME SCALE THAT GALACTUS COULD BE SAID TO OVEREAT

(encased in giant mound of viscous froth)

BWARRRGH YOU CAN'T KILL ME NOW RUTGER, HAR HAR HAR!!! YOU SHOOT NOW AND WE BOTH DIE!

RUTGER HAUER

(desperately hoping that one cool actual line will salvage trainwreck of movie)

We're taking a car ride to Hell... and YOU'RE RIDING SHOTGUN!!!!

RUTGER HAUER SHOOTS THE HOPELESSLY FROTH-ENCRUSTED BOSS VILLAIN AND ALL THE COPS SHOOT RUTGER HAUER AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOOTS THE COPS AND CATS SHOOT DOGS AND RUTGER HAUER SHOOTS THE MOON AND THE MOON SHOOTS THE HOBOS AND THE SPENT BULLET CASINGS SHOOT TELEFILM CANADA AND THE PICTURESQUE COUNTRYSIDE SHOOTS RUTGER HAUER'S LAWNMOWER AND EVERYTHING EXPLODES IN A GIANT RAMPAGING FUCKLOAD OF BLOOD AND GUTS.

MOLLY DUNSWORTH

Guess I'll just bleed to death.

THE CREDITS SHOOT MOLLY DUNSWORTH.

END