Bad news, half the universe is dead. Good news, CASUAL FRIDAYS!!


Bad news, half the universe is dead. Good news, CASUAL FRIDAYS!!

AVENGERS: ENDGAME

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HAWKEYE'S FARM

JEREMY RENNER is lovingly teaching his daughter how to MURDER when she is abruptly DUSTED along with RENNER'S FAMILY, clearly a punishment from the INFINITY STONES for trying to SUPPLANT KATE BISHOP HAWKEYE, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU JEREMY RENNER.

JEREMY RENNER

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(to camera)

Why hello there, audience. Remember how the last movie had zero Hawkeye? Well we're making up for it this time, get ready for extra helpings of double-stuffed oven-fresh Hawkeye!!

(winks)

AUDIENCE

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

EXT. OUTER SPACE

An emaciated ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and MECHAREN GILLAN are stranded in the GUARDIANS SPACESHIP.

ROBERT SCRAWNY JR.

(recording)

Dear Gwyneth, I’m making this message because the fans are pretty sure either me or Evans is gonna die, and I've got a "learn to be selfless" arc to finish so, yeah. Also our fuel's run out so we've stopped completely dead in space, which is how space works.

(coughs)

Our oxygen supply is rapidly dwindling so pretty soon we'll suffocate to death, but at least I got to teach Mecharen how to play finger sports! By which I mean table football.

ROBERT passes out. All is dark and hopeless BUT THEN!

BRIE LARSON

(hovering outside ship)

Hi it's me! The Avengers hurberbled your plugurble and sent me to come get you!

ROBERT SCRAWNY JR.

Wait, when did you meet the Avengers?

BRIE LARSON

In the twenty-second mid-credits scene of Captain Marvel. We’re burying important plot developments in those things now.

ROBERT SCRAWNY JR.

Yay! Now I can relax and enjoy the long trip home.

RAPIDLY DWINDLING OXYGEN SUPPLY

(fixes self)

INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND

Back at HQ, CHRIS EVANS has decided to finally shave his PLAYOFF BEARD when he hears a noise! Outside, BRIE arrives with ROBERT and MECHAREN, and they are reunited with EVANS, CHRIS HEMSWORTH, MARK RUFFALO, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, DON CHEADLE, BRADLEY RACCOOPER, and GWYNETH PALTROW. Everyone heads INSIDE so they can get straight to the ARGUING.

ROBERT SCRAWNY JR.

This is all your fault Evans! I said we needed a shield around the world and you said no! And then I did it anyway and it became Ultron who nearly murdered Earth and FUCK YOU ALL I'M COLLAPSING NOW

(does so)

CHRIS EVANS

(pause)

I mean it's not like any of Robert's crazy plans would actually have helped, like if Josh Swollen had only signed the Sokovia Accords everything would be fine. I'm just saying.

MECHAREN GILLAN

(scans Robert)

Hm, it'll take a few days for the CGI to wear off. Fortunately the rest of us can still go after Josh, and use the Infinity Gauntlet to un-dust everybody! And I can tell you exactly where Josh is because many times, he told me precisely, specifically where he'd go after he won. He’s... in a garden.

(pause)

Or maybe he meant Olive Garden, we should check there too.

DON CHEADLE

Oh good, he's in the garden. Everybody search every garden in the entire universe, we'll get him in no time, thanks!

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

Uh huh, meanwhile I’ve located the glove’s energy signature on this precise location in space, making Mecharen’s unhelpful “garden” thing EXTRA useless.

MECHAREN GILLAN

Oh fuck you both, at least I get to do some real acting in this movie.

DON & BRADLEY

(hang heads in shame)

CHRIS EVANS

Right, let's do this. MURDERSQUAD... GATHER!

(pause)

It's just not the same without everyone.

INT. JOSH SWOLLEN’S RETIREMENT HOME

JOSH SWOLLEN is about to sit down to DINNER when suddenly a HORDE OF ENRAGED SUPERHEROES KNOCK ON THE DOOR, man don’t you hate it when unexpected visitors show up right when you were about to eat. They all RESTRAIN JOSH and CHOP OFF HIS GAUNTLET ARM in like FOUR SECONDS, which does not undermine Infinity War AT ALL.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Wait a sec, there's no Infinity Stones in this Gauntlet! Why are you still wearing it? Have you been using it to crack walnuts or something?

JOSH SWOLLEN

I did a second snap to erase the Infinity Stones from existence! I figured, what was the point in having an all-powerful artifact which made me undefeatable and allowed me to reshape reality at will?

(hacks, coughs)

But as you see, it nearly killed me, since using the Infinity Gauntlet exacts a massive physical toll!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Huh? But you were fine after the first snap. In fact you were able to walk away despite having had a giant axe shoved three feet into your chest.

JOSH SWOLLEN

Well NOW the snap exacts a MASSIVE PHYSICAL TOLL, all right? Like if a human were to use it, they would surely TRAGICALLY DIE, if you catch my drift.

CHRIS EVANS

Ulp, um, sure! Say can I just remind everybody that I never got to hook up with Hayley Atwell? I personally sure do deserve to get a happy ending out of all this, can we agree?

HEMSWORTH chops off JOSH'S HEAD, everyone PISSES on the corpse and they all slouch home, SULLENLY.

INT. AVENGERS HQ -- FIVE! VERY! SAD! YEARS! LATER!!

SCARLETT is hosting a VIDEO CONFERENCE with DANAI GURIRA, BRADLEY, BRIE, and CHEADLE.

IRON CHEADLE

So in conclusion, we're all miserable and useless. But I still haven't found Jeremy, so there's SOME good news.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I see. How about you, Larson? You gonna come hang with us again any time soon? It’s just that the Infinity War post-credits bit implied you were going to turn this whole situation around, and that’s starting to feel kinda like a big fat lie.

BRIE LARSON

Sorry, we’re handwaving me out of the story by saying I have vague stuff to do on other planets. I might come by for the end of the climax if I have time, or if it's reeeeally urgent.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

What if we have a plan to save everybody in the whole universe, including those other planets?

BRIE LARSON

Mmm, not quite urgent enough. See ya later!

(disconnects)

After the PHONE CALL, EVANS arrives to compare notes on how SHIT their lives are.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Yeah, I'm PTSD-ing pretty hard these days. If only one of my friends was currently a grief counsellor. Or if only another friend had sorted out his life and was in a good place and supposedly cared about my well-being and shit.

CHRIS EVANS

It's too bad neither of those scenarios exist. On the plus side, I met the MCU films' first explicitly gay character at my grief counsellor job today! At this pace we'll catch up to TV Supergirl in only another fifty movies or so!

They continue to SULK for a bit. But who's at the door but PAUL RUDD!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wow. Check out this fucking guy, five years pass and he doesn't look even ONE DAY older. This motherfucker just DOES NOT age, I tells ya! What's your secret?

PAUL RUDD

In this case it's because I've been stuck in the Quantum Realm since Ant-Man and the Wasp, and guess what, the events of that film contain the secret to solving this entire decade-spanning narrative arc! In other words, FUCK ALL Y’ALL WHO DIDN’T SEE MY MOVIE, UNNECESSARY FILLER MY TINY ASS

(flips everybody off)

Anyway it’s time travel like ninety-nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent of Internet theories already figured out. You guys know any smart people? All mine got vaporized.

EXT. A CABIN IN THE WOODS, WHICH CHRIS HEMSWORTH IS STAYING RIGHT THE FUCK AWAY FROM

Meanwhile, ROBERT is now living in a QUAINT LITTLE HOUSE with GWYNETH.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hey hon, our daughter just said she loves me 3,000. Which sounds impressive I guess but Marvel loves me 75 million plus points off the back end, I'm just saying.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Well I love her negative ten BILLION ever since she talked smack about Goop on her Instagram, in fact I'm refusing to have any dialogue with that little shit altogether. We can stand side-by-side at the funeral but THAT'S IT.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Funeral?

Just then EVANS, SCARLETT and PAUL show up.

CHRIS EVANS

Robert, we need you to make the time travel bullshit happen. You're the biggest science brain we got, now that we’ve added Letitia Wright to the list of dead people.

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

No way man! I’ve got a life now, I can’t go messing with the timeline, the risk is too-

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh okay, we’re doing one of those refusal scenes, gotcha. See you in fifteen.

INT. DINER

The team meet up with HULK RUFFALO who is now PERMANENTLY HULKED OUT but still SMART.

HULK RUFFALO

That's right, I took the inner conflict that was my entire character arc and resolved it offscreen during a timeskip, isn’t that satisfying? So tell me what's on your mind.

CHRIS EVANS

We were hoping you could stop dabbing for ten seconds so you could help us get the Infinity Stones from the past and make all the dead people alive again.

HULK RUFFALO

Cool plan! But does that include all the people who didn’t get dusted, but died in the plane crashes and car accidents and so forth that happened because of people who WERE dusted?

CHRIS EVANS

Um - I have no idea.

HULK RUFFALO

Well, what about Purpaul Bettany? Or Tom Hiddleston or Idris Elba? Hell, Aaron Taylor-Johnson even? Is there any particular reason we can’t wish these people back into existence?

CHRIS EVANS

I guess there must be? Look, the important thing is to get back anybody we need for Phase Four.

INT. AVENGERS HQ

HULK RUFFALO tries to make a time machine but only succeeds in making a WACKY COMEDY FILLER-SCENE MACHINE. But just then ROBERT speeds up to the HQ in his awesome sleek new AUDI E-TRON which is OH SO SHINY AND SLEEK AND ALSO ELECTRIC, LOOK AT THE SHINY COOL E-TRON

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Alright I'm done stalling, I'm on board now. I've built us palm-sized time-travel GPS devices based on my revolutionary idea of "inverted Mobius strips" whatever the fuck THAT means since a Mobius strip has only one side. Pretty mindblowing right?

CHRIS EVANS

I'm just amazed you're allowed to own anything with the syllable "tron" in it. But this is great! Now we only need to get Hemsworth and the team is complete!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And Jeremy.

CHRIS EVANS

Eh, I guess.

EXT. NEW ASGARD, NORWAY

A SPACE RACCOON and GREEN DR. JEKYLL go to visit a NORSE GOD and his ALIEN BUDDIES in a NORWEGIAN FISHING VILLAGE, and can we all just take a moment to appreciate how fucking WEIRD Hollywood movies can be these days?

HULK RUFFALO

It's been tough times for Asgardians. Cate Blanchett murdered half of them, then Josh murdered another half of them, then Josh murdered another half of them AGAIN.

TESSA THOMPSON

Hi guys! Don't suppose you're putting together a mission that requires a healthy, fit, clear-headed Asgardian warrior?

(heroic pose)

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

We were thinking something more like an out-of-shape drunken mopey warrior, actually. Got anyone like that?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Present! Check this out, I'm all overweight and slovenly now! But if you look carefully, I'm doing quite a heartfelt portrayal of depression and grief that's only slightly undermined by the cheap fat jokes we threw in. So what's up?

HULK RUFFALO

Wanna join our time-travel mission? I see you're still playing Fortnite which suggests you're stuck in the past anyway...

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

No way man! I’m done with all that! I refuse to-

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

Robert already did the whole refusal bit.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh. Well then I refuse but then I immediately don’t, let’s go.

EXT. TOKYO

In a "single" "unbroken" shot we see JEREMY take out a JAPANESE CRIMELORD in an extended SWORDFIGHT, even though he could have instantly put an ARROW through his BRAIN from about EIGHT BLOCKS AWAY.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(appearing)

Hi Jeremy! We’ve been trying to chase you down for five years, but since we needed to bring you in right now I’m instantly able to find you all of a sudden.

JEREMY RENNER

Oh thank God. Do you see my new vigilante outfit? I look almost exactly like TV Green Arrow, I think they’re mocking me.

INT. AVENGERS HQ

ROBERT, EVANS, HEMSWORTH, RUFFALO, SCARLETT, JEREMY, DON, PAUL, MECHAREN and BRADLEY all gather to plan.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

It's important everyone understands that time travel doesn't work like in the movies, except this movie. Basically we can just grab shit from the past and then bring it back.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Okay, so let’s figure out where and when to get the Stones from. In 2012 the Space Stone, Time Stone, and Mind Stone will all be in New York, unless the Time Stone is in Kathmandu like it’s supposed to be. Maybe we’ll get lucky.

MECHAREN GILLAN

And we can get the Power Stone from Morag in 2014 by using Chris Pratt's techno-lockpick, as opposed to leaping directly to the room with the Stone a day earlier and not needing Chris Pratt. Meanwhile we should grab the Soul Stone at the same time, since it’ll be conveniently round the corner on a different planet billions of miles away.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

And we can get the Reality Stone out of that rock it was hidden in, at any point of the thousands of years it was just sitting there! But we won’t. Instead we’ll try to yank it out of Natalie Portman on the one day that it was in one of the most heavily-fortified royal palaces in the galaxy.

(pause)

Now that I think about it, at the end of Dark World we gave that Stone to Benicio Del Weirdo, in a handy carrying box no less, and he still had it during Infinity War. So the team going to Guardians 1 could also grab the Reality Stone from him then, and we only need two teams.

RENE RUSSO

(clears throat loudly, offscreen)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I mean, we need three teams.

CHRIS EVANS

All right, it's a plan! And remember, we only have enough Pym Particles to take one shot at this, because Pym Particles get used up like fuel all of a sudden. Except when we shrink/embiggen Bradley's ship which happens for free.

JENNIFER GOINES FROM 12 MONKEYS

(appearing)

You know you could save a bunch of Particles by going to the earliest time and just living through the years? It's not as flashy but believe me it works.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Um, this franchise has taken up over a decade of my life already? No fucking thanks.

PAUL RUDD

But hey, what if I went back to one of MY solo movies and grabbed a case of Pym Particles from Michael Douglas first? Then we'd have extra.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

OR, Paul goes back in time ten minutes and grabs our OWN supply from ten minutes ago, now we have almost double. Do it a bunch more times and hey presto we've got Pym Particles up to our damn eyeballs without anyone leaving this room.

CHRIS EVANS

(gritting teeth)

Six stones. Three teams. One trip. Let's do this.

All of THE AVENGERS put on ANT-MAN SUITS, which is not a thing that anybody ever thought we’d see, stand on a HUGE GIANT PLATFORM and get fired BACK IN TIME.

EXT. THE AVENGERS (2012)

ROBERT, EVANS, RUFFALO and PAUL arrive in the climax of THE AVENGERS. HULK goes over to the SANCTUM SANTORUM, where he meets everybody’s favorite casting decision, TILDA SWINTON.

HULK RUFFALO

Oh hey I notice you’re helping fight the aliens! By yourself. Why haven’t you had every other sorceror come and help out, fate of the world hanging in the balance and all?

TILDA SWINTON

Presumably my future vision told me that you guys are gonna win. Future vision sure is convenient for nailing shut plot holes! Anyway you can’t have the Time Stone, the Infinity Stones create the passage of time and if you remove one it makes an alternate timeline where we're helpless to stop Dormammu from killing everybody.

HULK RUFFALO

The Infinity Stones CREATE the passage of time? Does that mean when Josh destroys them in 2019 everything should collapse into nonlinear chaos?

TILDA SWINTON

Well I heard the Vision & Scarlet Witch series is set in the 1950s, so I'm thinking yes.

HULK RUFFALO

Well you don't need to worry about it. We'll return the Stones to the moment after they left, which will erase the alternate timelines!

TILDA SWINTON

How will bringing the Stones back the moment after they leave this timeline help, when you have to do all kinds of future-altering shit to even get hold of them first? This is such a half-assed plan, I’m not going along with it. Except my future vision just told me I do, so here you go.

Meanwhile, TOM HIDDLESTON has been captured by the PASTVENGERS. Dead villains FRANK GRILLO and MAXIMILIANO HERNANDEZ are taking his SCEPTRE down an ELEVATOR when CHRIS EVANS gets on.

FRANK GRILLO

Oh hey, this is just like the setup to that awesome elevator scene from Winter Soldier! Thank God, this movie is like ninety minutes in and we haven’t actually had an action scene yet, I'm not counting that Hawkeye nonsense.

CHRIS EVANS

Yeah well tough cheese, I’m just gonna trick you into giving me the sceptre by saying “Hail Hydra”.

FRANK GRILLO

HOW DARE YOU REFERENCE THAT STUPID AWFUL FUCKING TWIST FROM THE COMICS TAKE THE SCEPTRE AND FUCK OFF

EVANS gets the SCEPTRE, then has a BIG OL' AMERICAN-ASS RASSLING MATCH with his PAST SELF and it's lucky that MCU time-travel doesn't operate by TIMECOP RULES. 2024 EVANS WINS and the team REGROUPS.

PAUL RUDD

Unfortunately me and Robert fucked up our mission, thanks to an unexpected Robert Redford cameo and Tom Hiddleston using the Tesseract to teleport into his own streaming series. But two out of three Stones ain’t bad, right?

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

Don’t worry, we’re not licked yet! Evans and I can go to SHIELD’s secret base in 1970, where we’ll find the Tesseract - assuming Annette Bening hasn't taken it yet - as well as some Pym Particles we can use to get home! I can see now, "getting more Pym Particles" REALLY should have been step one of the plan.

CHRIS EVANS

Hang on, we can go directly to 1970 from here? What did we need the huge giant platform for?

INT. SHIELD HEADQUARTERS - 1970

Arriving in 1970, ROBERT and EVANS infiltrate the SHIELD BASE and split up. EVANS goes to MICHAEL DOUGLAS’S LAB.

CHRIS EVANS

Hey Dr. Douglas, I heard some guys talking about you upstairs. They were saying something about how anti-ageing special effects have their limits, and you look like you belong on a Buzzfeed listicle about Photoshop fails?

MICHAEL YOUNGLAS

Well being from 1970 I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like an insult!!!

(storms off)

CHRIS EVANS

Now to grab exactly four vials of Pym Particles! Fuck those other vials, I want the maximum beacon reward from Bob for doing this in as few runs as possible.

EVANS is spotted by YVETTE NICOLE BROWN, which along with an earlier wordless cameo by KEN JEONG brings the franchise another step closer to completing the COMMUNITY GAUNTLET, but he avoids capture by standing around outside. As he waits, ROBERT grabs the TESSERACT and bumps into JOHN SLATTERY!

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

Holy shit! Dad! So when the hell DID you stop looking like Dominic Cooper, anyway?

JOHN SLATTERY

Eh, I guess I must have fallen hard on my face sometime in the fifties. Anyway, let’s have a heartfelt conversation about family, as I always do with any random employee I run into.

They chat for a while before ROBERT and EVANS slip off to return to the future, though since the plan is to reset the timeline they might as well PARADE AWAY BLOWING NOISEMAKERS AND RIVERDANCING but whatever.

EXT. THOR THE DARK WORLD - WHICH GOTTA SAY, IS SORT OF LIKE PUTTING YOUR WORST SONG ON THE GREATEST HITS ALBUM

BRADLEY and HEMSWORTH arrive on ASGARD.

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

We have the most challenging mission of all: extract the Aether from Natalie Portman without giving her any new scenes or dialogue or interacting with her in any way. To assist us, we have a doohickey which will yank the Aether out of Natalie, even though doing that was supposedly beyond even Asgardian hypertechnology.

BRADLEY goes to complete the mission SINGLE-HANDEDLY while HEMSWORTH stands around CRYING until RENE RUSSO shows up.

RENE RUSSO

Listen Chris, you can't keep chasing after some idealized version of yourself. Accept who you are, faults and all.

(smiles)

And also maybe lose some fucking pounds, 'mkay?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Ah, there's the mixed signals I loved and cherished. And I just realized there's another family member I can reunite with!!

(summons Mjolnir!)

MJOLNIR

(pause)

I'll come along if you promise to do some goddamn crunches, tubbo.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

The fuck?!? Have we Asgardians always been such insensitive pricks? Don't answer that.

BRADLEY races back since apparently people need to stand side-by-side to time travel, and they RETURN HOME!

EXT. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 1

MECHAREN, DON, SCARLETT, and JEREMY arrive in the opening credits of GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. SCARLETT and JEREMY fly off to VORMIR, while MECHAREN and DON go and knock out DANCING CHRIS PRATT.

MECHAREN GILLAN

That’s for fucking everything up in Infinity War, jerk! Also for Passengers.

IRON CHEADLE

Remind me why we even brought the ship instead of Jeremy and Scarlett going directly to Vormir, since you had the planet's co-ordinates already?

MECHAREN GILLAN

One sec...

MECHAREN uses her computer brain to access the BULLSHIT JUSTIFICATION ONLINE DATABASE but this also causes her to link with her 2014 self, MECHAREN VILLAIN! On 2014 JOSH SWOLLEN'S SHIP, MECHAREN VILLAIN begins malfunctioning and projecting pictures of DON CHEADLE!

DON CHEADLE

(projection)

Yes, it sure is going to be a challenge to collect all these Infinity Stones, which is what we time-travellers have come from the future to do! We’re The Avengers, from Earth!

ZOE SALADANA

Holy shit, it looks like Mecharen has footage of the entire movie to this point in her head!

JOSH SWOLLEN

Oh cool. See if you can play back where Hulk has lunch, that was my bathroom break scene.

Back on MORAG, MECHAREN GILLAN and DON just GRAB the POWER STONE without DON even needing to have BEEN THERE AT ALL. DON travels back but GOOD MECHAREN gets caught before she can jump! MECHAREN VILLAIN disguises herself as GOOD MECHAREN, and a plan is hatched to bring 2014 JOSH SWOLLEN forward in time into 2024!!

MECHAREN VILLAIN

Observe, my lord, I have the Pym Particles that my future self was going to use to return home!

(holds Particles towards Josh)

JOSH SWOLLEN

Wait, are you giving them to me? Then you have no way to travel to the future and our plan is fucked.

MECHAREN VILLAIN

No I was just showing them to you, before I use them myself and leave you here.

JOSH SWOLLEN

(pause)

But then how am I gonna

EXT. VORMIR

SCARLETT and JEREMY arrive on VORMIR, somehow figuring out where on the ENTIRE PLANET they’re supposed to land.

ROSS MARQUAND

Welcome! So yeah it's the same rules, and a lot of the exact same shots, as last time. Gotta fridge someone you love to get the Soul Stone, no refunds, all sales are final, etc etc.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh. Y'know, we really had all the information necessary to predict this sacrifice-what-you-love deal, it's our own damn fault we didn't bring a puppy or something. At least WE came here instead of Don and Mecharen, then the universe would be fucked!

JEREMY RENNER

Pretty clear what needs to happen. You've got a legit solo movie coming up, while I barely scored a Disney+ series, so...

(goes to jump off cliff)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Not so fast! I may have been holding the entire world together these past five years, while you went on an self-indulgent homicidal rampage, but you must live to teach your kids archery!

(jumps off cliff)

SCARLETT goes SPLAT and DIES, while JEREMY survives to get the Soul Stone and be in the climax, to the delight of NOBODY.

INT. AVENGERS HQ - 2024

Everyone RETURNS to the point in time just after they left. They mourn SCARLETT for a a bit and throw some FURNITURE, and then set about building a new INFINITY GAUNTLET while MECHAREN VILLAIN just sort of hangs back lurking and hacking hardware and measuring the drapes and shit.

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

Oh and look, our Gauntlet is an Iron Man glove, just in case anybody still hadn’t figured out where this is all headed. Now let’s do the snap which brings everybody back alive!

HULK RUFFALO

I’ll do it! Please, I haven’t gotten to use my Hulk powers for literally anything all movie, I need this.

PAUL RUDD

Hey, what if someone was on a plane when they vanished? Will they reappear 20,000 feet in the air?

JEREMY RENNER

Samuel and Colbie vanished in the middle of a busy street. What if they come back and get immediately smooshed by a bus?

HULK RUFFALO

Look, if the Stones can compensate for every planet in the fucking universe being millions of miles away from where they were 5 years ago, I think we can assume they can handle respawning better than Quake.

CHLOE BENNETT

Excuse me?!?

HULK RUFFALO

The video game, Chloe.

RUFFALO dons the GAUNTLET and is zapped with RAINBOW ENERGY but with great effort, positions his hand in just the right way and SNAPS HIS FINGERS!

HULK RUFFALO

(terribly injured)

Why the fuck couldn't it just be a button...

Suddenly JEREMY'S SLEEK NEW IPHONE rings!

JEREMY'S WIFE

(on speaker)

Jeremy what's going on? My phone says it's five years later, how the fuck is my data plan still active and how am I supposed to install 138,000 outstanding software updates?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Awright, we did it! Sure is weird to win the whole movie without even having had a battle scene, but oh well, can’t-

Suddenly JOSH’S GIGANTIC SPACESHIP bursts through the TIME PLATFORM and BLASTS THE COMPOUND causing it to COMPLETELY EXPLODE and COLLAPSE INTO RUBBLE, tragically killing NOBODY. Seriously, EVERYBODY is still TOTES FINE even though their whole building was just BLOWN THE FUCK UP, like PAUL RUDD took a missile DIRECTLY TO THE FACE. Oh right but of course, NOTHING can damage that face.

HULK RUFFALO

Argh! Me, Don, and Bradley are all pinned down! Jeremy's underground and Paul is trying to save us! Which conveniently sets up a fight which is just Josh versus the three main heroes of the MCU!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I'm done moping! With this flash of lightning I summon my cape, costume, and lots of detailed braid work in my hairstyle!! Have at thee!!

ROBERT and EVANS and HEMSWORTH all fight JOSH, while JEREMY grabs the INFINITY FOOTBALL! However JEREMY is about to be murderized by MECHAREN VILLAIN when she herself is defeated by GOOD MECHAREN and ZOE SALADANA!

ZOE SALADANA

Yes I've once again renounced evil to join the good guys. Hear that, Infinity Stones? Just want to make that clear in case somebody uses you to dust all the bad guys!

Back at centre court, JOSH is stomping our heroes!

JOSH SWOLLEN

Fools, you will never defeat me! And THIS time I'm gonna use the Stones to erase the whole universe and start fresh, let’s see internet pundits try and defend THAT plan!

But then HOOOOLLLLYYYY FUUUUUCK, EVANS PICKS UP FUCKING MJOLNIR AND STARTS FUCKING SLAMMING THE SHIT OUT OF JOSH AND SHOOTING FUCKING LIGHTNING AT HIM AND AAAAAHHHHHHH

CHRIS EVANS

Woo-hoo! I'm doing all kinds of cool stunts with this mythical weapon I'm holding for literally the first time ever, and the audience is loving it! Wheee!!!!

DAISY RIDLEY

(heavy sigh)

JOSH SWOLLEN

Not so fast, Evans! You may have turned the tide of the battle, but what you don’t realize is that the tide of this battle is gonna turn just about every time somebody blinks!

He gains the UPPER HAND and PUMMELS CHRIS EVANS while smashing HUGE CHUNKS off of his SHIELD.

CHRIS EVANS

(battered to pulp)

Well shit, now that it's got pointy edges I should throw it at you MORE. Let me just put my internal organs back in the right spot...

JOSH SWOLLEN

I think it's time to summon my huge army of alien monsters and giant metal hover-dragons, all of which were crammed in my main ship somewhere! I probably should have led with that, honestly.

Everything looks FUCKED but then a MILLION PORTALS OPEN and out comes FUCKING EVERYBODY. Like, EVERYBODY EVERYBODY. T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN and DANAI GURIRA and LETITIA WRIGHT and TESSA THOMPSON RIDING A MOTHERFUCKING PEGASUS HOLY SHIT WHERE DID SHE GET THAT FUCK IT WHO CARES and SPIDER-TOM and CHRIS PRATT and ELIZABETH OLSEN and ANTHONY MACKIE and SEBASTIAN STAN and DAVE BLUETISTA and VIN TRIESEL and POM KLEMONTIEFF WHY NOT and BENEDICT WONG and EVANGELINE LILLY and BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH and ANGELA BASSETT and TAIKA WAITITI and his INSECT MONSTER BUDDY and IRON GWYNETH PALTROW and JAIME ALEXANDER and LUPITA NYONG’O and MARTIN FREEMAN and the WAKANDAN ARMY and EVERY SORCEROR and THE MOST RECENTLY MURDERED HALF OF THE ASGARDIANS AW YEEEEEAHHHHHHHH

T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN

(looking around at dozens of portals)

Where the fuck were all these wizards the FIRST time we fought Josh?!?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Wait a sec, Gwyneth didn't get dusted, and I built that suit before the movie even started. You could have been helping us all along!

IRON PALTROW

Oh yeah. Whoops.

TALL RUDD

(going giant-sized)

That's right, how you like Ant-Man now, assholes! I was checking the Internet for ways I could help defeat Josh and this was the only idea anyone had. Yep, just this. Nothing else, no sirree. Don't even bother looking.

CHRIS EVANS

(tearing up)

Are you watching from heaven, Agent Coulson?? Can you see what your sacrifice made possible? Smile on us today, old friend.

(gulps)

AVENGERS--

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Um, this is awkward but I guess I should finally tell you that Coulson actually survived.

CHRIS EVANS

(stops dead)

All this... was based... on a LIE?!?

(slumps)

(hangs head)

EVERYBODY

(glumly starts walking back through portals)

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(hastily)

...But then he died again on the TV show...??

CHRIS EVANS

(brightening)

FINAL BATTLE BACK ON EVERYONE! AVENGERS---

(so quietly that only like the people in a five-foot radius of him would have heard it but again WHO THE FUCK CARES)

--assemble.

EVERYBODY

What the fuck do you think we were just doing?

CHRIS EVANS

You know what I mean! ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK!!!

ALL OUR BELOVED HEROES start fighting our hated NONDESCRIPT ANONYMOUS VILLAINS! MAGIC and REPULSOR BLASTS and VIBRANIUM SPEARS and WEBBING and LASERS and SCARLET ENERGY and SQUEALS OF DELIGHTED MARVEL FANS fly everywhere! Lots of heroes join in on the PICK-UP INFINITY FOOTBALL GAME including T'CHADWICK and SPIDEY-TOM and IRON GOOP and TESSA!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I'd help more but there's this wall of water I gotta hold up instead of porting it somewhere.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I sure hope this is the timeline where we don't all die. Any hints?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I can't tell you what happens, or it won't happen.

(pause)

Hand signals are okay though. Just keep your eye on me like you're waiting to steal third base, and when I flash the "WIN NOW" sign, that's when you should, y'know, win.

(hopeful smile)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(blinks)

I just wanna say, my Watson is a badass evil Kree Starforcer and yours doesn't even have a super suit, so there.

Meanwhile, ELIZABETH OLSEN decides to exact revenge for PURPAUL BETTANY by confronting JOSH and mind-controlling him to stab himself in the brain hurling craploads of TELEKINESIS his way!

JOSH SWOLLEN

Shit! Need another tide-turn. Giant ship, start raining lasers everywhere! And if you see an innocent-looking orange cat then for fuck's sake TARGET THAT FIRST!

The ship begins FIRING and the WIZARDS put up shields rather than portals to redirect the lasers back at the ship, but it doesn't matter because AW YEAH HERE COMES BRIE LARSON, doing the same SHIP SMASHING THING she did back in her OWN MOVIE!! She flies down and gets the GAUNTLET from SPIDEY-TOM!

CHRIS EVANS

Brie! We've gotta send the Gauntlet back in time right now through Paul Rudd's van, rather than try actually using it or the individual Stones, because reasons!

BRIE LARSON

Okay, everybody nearby gather around me! ...oh lookie it JUST so happens to be all the female superheroes, gosh what are the odds! Pretty cool that we've got this wide tableau of diverse women who've had the lead role in a grand total of, um, one movie. Well, let's hope this is more a "promise for the future" thing.

EVANGELINE LILLY

How are we gonna get the Gauntlet all the way over to the van? Oh if only we had three dozen wizards who can all make portals!!

DANAI GURIRA

We shall help clear a path! Even the lamest of us, Pom Klemontieff!

POM KLEMONTIEFF

Hey, I came closer than any of you assholes to actually defeating Josh last time, just saying.

BRIE LARSON

Um, I can fly over there in like three seconds in ship-smashing mode, think I'll be okay. But if it makes you feel like you helped, go for it.

However by announcing their intentions loudly on the battlefield JOSH is able to discern their plan and BLOWS UP the VAN TIME MACHINE! In the aftermath everyone SCRAMBLES to recover the INFINITY FUMBLE! JOSH comes up with it, and ROBERT shoots a glance at CUMBERBATCH...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(tugs ear)

(pats left arm twice)

(adjusts baseball cap)

ROBERT charges JOSH and they have a THREE-SECOND TUSSLE which seems USELESS!

JOSH SWOLLEN

Now to Snap away the entire universe and build a new one, and let's just set aside the MASSIVE PHYSICAL TOLL requirement this time okay? Heh heh. I am... inevitable.

(snaps!)

(nothing happens!)

But then it turns out ROBERT somehow managed to peel ALL SIX INFINITY STONES out of JOSH'S IRON GAUNTLET into HIS OWN IRON GAUNTLET during their THREE-SECOND TUSSLE SOMEHOW!

JOSH SWOLLEN

The hell? Remember when holding a single Stone was supposed to be near-impossible?!?

(sighs)

Okay, I'll give you enough time for one big dramatic moment before I rush over and bash your head in. Don't waste it.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Thanks, dude. Ahem.

(centres himself)

And I...

(pause)

CHRIS PRATT

Wait, Robert, fly over to me! When me and the Guardians held hands we could control one Stone. So maybe if you give me the Gauntlet and EVERYONE holds hands, I could do a Snap and not die...?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

am...

(longer pause)

BRIE LARSON

Or fly over to me! My powers came from the Tesseract so maybe I could do a Snap and not die!

HULK RUFFALO

Or fuck it, fly over to ME because I ALREADY DID A SNAP AND DIDN'T DIE!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(deciding that when you have the ball on the 1-yard line it's better to just run it in rather than getting all cute, SEATTLE)

...ready to pursue new opportunities.

ROBERT SNAPS his FINGERS, and JOSH'S ENTIRE ARMY DISINTEGRATES, and then JOSH HIMSELF, and hopefully not ZOE SALADANA!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

OMG we won! YAAYY blerk ulp gurgle

(collapses, charmingly)

SPIDEY-TOM

Nooooo! Spider-feels... tingling!

(bawls)

IRON GWYNETH

Oh shit! I don't suppose my Iron Suit is full of super-healing medical attachments like in the comics?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Sshhh, I’ve done ten movies now and I’m already typecast to fuck, let me out of here for the love of God.

(dies)

EXT. SOMBRE MOVING FUNERAL FOR ROBERT, SORRY SCARLETT IF YOU WANTED A BIG ELABORATE CEREMONY YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED IN THE THIRD ACT

Everybody arranges neatly by SOLO MOVIE and mourns ROBERT, including a MYSTERIOUS TEENAGER who is... CHRIS PRATT'S LONG-LOST KID? HAYLEY ATWELL'S GRANDSON MAYBE?

TY SIMPKINS

No it's me, Ty Simpkins. The kid from Iron Man 3 who was supposed to become Robert's surrogate son character, until Disney got Spider-Man back and they gave that storyline to Tom Holland instead. So I'm just another loose end, like the magic healing serum that cures anything from Iron Man 3, which sure would have come in handy last scene.

TOM HOLLAND

Time for some wrapping up! I wonder which of my friends also got dusted and which ones are 5 years older now?

(views Far From Home trailer)

Oh nice, looks like we all stayed in sync. That's convenient!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Tessa, once again I have grown and matured as a person. So I think you should handle leading Asgard while I fuck off and have space adventures ok byeeeee

TESSA THOMPSON

(sighs)

T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN

I wonder if I have to win another waterfall fight to become King again.

SEBASTIAN STAN

It's amazing that Robert brought back all those people! Still, it's going to be rough on some of them. What if you come back and your will has been executed and all your stuff is gone, your job is gone, your spouse has moved on with someone else...

CHRIS EVANS

Oh you mean they're waking up to find that five years have passed them by? Boy I can't imagine how hard that must be, FIVE whole years.

(rolls eyes)

EXT. LAKESIDE TIME MACHINE

HULK, ANTHONY, and SEBASTIAN all gather to send EVANS back in time to return the INFINITY STONES and MJOLNIR but not HAWKEYE'S KID'S BASEBALL GLOVE because FUCK THAT TIMELINE, THEY SUCK AND CAN ALL FUCKING DIE.

CHRIS EVANS

Right, here I go to cram the Reality Stone down Nat Portman's throat I guess.

EVANS goes back in time but when he's supposed to return, DOES NOT!

SEBASTIAN STAN

Wait a minute, who is that sitting contemplatively overlooking the lake over there? Why it’s hundred-year-old Evans! Aha, that poetic image must be the reason we decided to build this time machine outside.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Oh shit! Is this why the movies have been so careful never to show Hayley Atwell's husband? Has it always been secretly Evans this whole time?!? That'd be so cool!

OLD CHRIS EVANS

What, and then I sat back and let HYDRA and 9/11 happen? Fuck no. The official version is that after erasing all those alternate timelines because they were so dangerous, I decided to immediately make a brand new alternate timeline where Peggy/Steve Got Married! And not only did we finally have our life together, but I used my future knowledge to create a near-perfect world where all the good guys survived, all the bad guys are defeated, and all kinds of huge tragedies were averted. It's pretty awesome actually.

ANTHONY MACKIE

...can we all come live in your universe?

OLD CHRIS EVANS

Sorry, we're full. But before I return to my Utopian dimension, I do have something for you...

(produces new Captain America shield!)

ANTHONY MACKIE

Wow, really?!? I mean Sebastian is your best and oldest friend--

OLD CHRIS EVANS

I'm sure you'll make a great Captain America, even without my super-strength. Or super-speed. Or resistance to injury. Or general enhanced metabolism. Or ability with a shield. Or you know what maybe you're right and Seb should have it.

SEBASTIAN STAN

Eh I'm good, they're probably barely gonna use Captain America after this anyway.

INT. HAYLEY ATWELL'S HOUSE, THE 1950S

CHRIS and HAYLEY are finally having their ROMANTIC DANCE!

HAYLEY ATWELL

Wait, are you telling me that the Chris I lost is sitting frozen in the Antarctic, right now?

CHRIS EVANS

Uh yeah. But don't worry about it, your great-niece can have that one.

CREDITS

BIG HUGE ACTOR-SIGNATURE CREDITS

TONS MORE CREDITS

Instead of a post-credits scene we get a SOUND EFFECT from the first IRON MAN movie, when ROBERT was making a vastly powerful arc reactor in a CAVE out of a BOX OF SCRAPS and SERIOUSLY HOW COULD HE NOT COBBLE TOGETHER A PROPER FUNCTIONING SPACESHIP TO GET FROM TITAN TO EARTH, THE GUY BUILT A DAMN TIME-SPACE GPS AND HAD A WHOLE PLANETFUL OF PARTS TO WORK WITH, WHAT THE HELL.

END

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