FADE IN:

INT. ANCIENT EGYPT

OLD BRENTON THWAITES (V/O)

Egypt was created as a paradise by the Gods so they decided to live there among the humans, who were mostly brown. Because it's Africa. I mean what other color would they be?

THE GODS correct this by making Egypt's population look whiter than a DOWNTON ABBEY REVIVAL in MIDDLE EARTH during a MILK TSUNAMI.

THE GODS

Eeeee. Apparently we can transform into CGI robo-animals, have random magical abilities and bleed molten gold, YES MOLTEN GOLD, but being portrayed by more than one non-white actor is totally outside our wheelhouse.

STUDIO EXECS

Our bad! Looks like we'd better issue a totally not phony at all apology and vow to stop reappropriating movie roles which have caused us so much needless controversy and box office failures in the past like with Exodus, Aloha, Pan, Prince of Persia and The Last Airbender. We double pinky swear not to get ourselves in such an easily avoidable mess ever again.

They immediately announce a CLEOPATRA film starring ANGELINA JOLIE, a MICHAEL JACKSON movie starring JOSEPH FIENNES, and a GENGHIS KHAN movie starring JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

Okay that last one was a joke but YOU COULD TOTALLY SEE THAT HAPPENING COULDN'T YOU?

INT. MARKET PLACE

BRENTON THWAITES

I am a plucky scamp and a master thief who can steal anything except for the slightest shred of screen presence!

He steals a dress for his girlfriend COURTNEY EATON.

BRENTON THWAITES

(being chased)

One jump,

Ahead of the bread line!

One swing,

Ahead of the sword!

I steal,

Only what I can't afford!

And that's everything!

COURTNEY EATON

Thanks for the dress, Brenton. If only you had stolen some chemistry for us to have instead. So not only am I your disposable love interest but I'm also a huge fangirl of God Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and believe the Gods only provide us with what we need most, which in my case did not include a personality.

BRENTON THWAITES

Well I'm a contrarian and think the Gods suck ass, yet I still managed to snag an attractive bland girlfriend despite having the charisma of a dead hamster. Go Atheism!

INT. CORONATION CEREMONY

BRYAN BROWN is the God-King OSIRIS and he’s about to crown his fratboy son HORUS aka NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU the new GOD-KING of Egypt.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

I’m a pampered jerk who knows jack shit about earning a living or hard work, but I’m the protagonist so I automatically get a hot French girlfriend. Who WOULDN’T want to root for me?

ELODIE YUNG

I’m Nikolaj’s bae Hathor, the Goddess of Love, and a ton of other shit, but mostly love. I also have mind control powers. That only work on lonely people. And sand snakes. I wear a magic bracelet that keeps me tethered to this world, and if I remove it I’ll be dragged straight to Hades except when the plot decides it doesn’t do that.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

I had to slay an assload of demons in order to make that bracelet so Elodie and I could be together, which sounds like a way more interesting plot than the Lion King ripoff you’re about to see.

All the GODS and MORTALS gather to witness NIKOLAJ be crowned the new king when his uncle SET aka GERARD BUTLER approaches.

GERARD BUTLER

Waldau! Where’s Waldau?! I can’t find Waldau!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

(waves)

Over here, uncle!

GERARD BUTLER

You're my nephew? I'm only seven months older than you!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Well it was nice of you to bring your entire army to my coronation. Hey what are you doing with that knife?

GERARD BUTLER

(stabs Bryan)

Looks like there’s a new King-Slayer in town!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Noooooo!!! I’ll stop you with my special contact lens powers! Wait, THAT’S my special ability? That sounds lame!

GERARD BUTLER

No, it’s cool. You’re like Bullseye, you can’t miss!

GERARD shines some light in NIKOLAJ’S EYES and he MISSES!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Aw you fucking liar! These God powers suck dick!

GERARD BUTLER

Try it again. Remember to hold Left Trigger and Right Trigger during the quick time event to transform into a mechanical owl-man.

NIKOLAJ transforms into a CARTOON and gets his ass drop-kicked by GERARD.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Am I bleeding melted butter? If only one of the other Gods attending my coronation would help me I might actually win!

ELODIE YUNG

Nope, sorry.

METAL WINGED CHICK

Can’t do it.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Too busy filming Civil War.

ELODIE YUNG

Gerard, I ask that you please spare Nikolaj’s life, because mercy seems like something a ruthless bloodthirsty asshole who just killed his own brother in cold gold blood would be down with.

GERARD BUTLER

You mean so he can one day return and rise up against me? Fuck that.

ELODIE YUNG

I’ll be your sex slave.

GERARD BUTLER

My penis agrees even though there's absolutely nothing stopping me from just killing Nikolaj anyway after banging you a couple of times, but I'm nothing if not a deranged psychopathic God of my word.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

(gets his magic eyes ripped out)

Hey at least I still got both my hands!

GERARD BUTLER

From now on all mortals must pay money to get into the afterlife. Because apparently you CAN take it with you.

GERARD becomes ruler and all the mortals become SLAVES and it sucks MAJOR BALLS. NIKOLAJ is banished to ACT 2.

COURTNEY EATON

Brenton, Rufus Sewell is my new boss and he’s a real son of a bitch. I want you to break into Gerard’s vault and steal back Nikolaj’s eyes because I believe he’s the only one who can save us.

BRENTON THWAITES

Really? Based on what? How spectacularly Gerard mopped the floor with his metal ass despite having a flight advantage? That fight sucked so hard Mayweather and Pacquiao want a refund. Forget it Courtney, I’m not breaking into Gerard’s vault. No way no

INT. GERARD’S VAULT

BRENTON THWAITES

how. Huh?

BRENTON rides a MAGIC CARPET SLIP N SLIDE down into the vault and steals THE GENIE’S LAMP NIKOLAJ’S GLOWY EYEBALLS, but there’s only ONE EYE for some reason.

BRENTON THWAITES

Now I must navigate my way through a series of increasingly dangerous boobie traps that should make it near impossible for a mere mortal to esc

INT. RUFUS’S SEWELL’S PLACE

BRENTON THWAITES

ape. Huh?

COURTNEY EATON

Brenton! Rufus knows what we’re up to so we have to leave before

(killed!)

RUFUS SEWELL

Haha! Since I pay Courtney the same wage as a Walmart greeter she’s too poor to buy her way into the afterlife and her soul will be destroyed! But don’t sweat it, you have exactly until the end of the movie before that happens! No rush!

COURTNEY EATON'S SPIRIT

Damnit, I'm never going to the green place am I?

INT. NIKOLAJ’S PITY PARTY DORM ROOM

NIKOLAJ blindly mopes around with empty lotion bottles and wads of used tissues all over the place.

BRENTON THWAITES

Careful Niko, if you touch yourself too much you’ll go... Oh. Well, in that case here’s one of your eyes. This means you’ll have to sport the Nick Fury look for the rest of the movie.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Thanks, mortal. I guess we’re partners now, because you ain't never had a friend like me! Gerard must be using my other eye for some evil Bond-ian master plan. Help me kill him and I’ll totes for real bring Courtney back from the dead.

BRENTON THWAITES

I can see your fingers crossed behind your back!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

I’m not lying. Trust me, my family always pays its debts.

EXT. DESERT

NIKOLAJ and BRENTON climb up the side of a mountain to a STARGATE.

BRENTON THWAITES

Why can’t you just transform into a robo-falcon and fly us to the top?

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Without both of my eyes I can’t get it up. My wingspan, I mean.

(transforms into robo-falcon anyway)

Holy shit this film’s internal logic has the consistency of goldfish memory.

NIKOLAJ and BRENTON leave the planet and fly up to GEOFFREY RUSH’S SPACESHIP.

YES. SPACESHIP. IN SPACE.

BRENTON suffocates and dies a cold horrible death is perfectly fine because SUPERMAN IV LOGIC.

GEOFFREY RUSH

I am the sun God Ra, father of all creation and Nikolaj’s grandpappy. Every day I must fight off the demon Apophis from devouring the sun with my huge flamethrower wand.

BRENTON THWAITES

Although that’s all pretty accurate Egyptian mythology, somehow, seeing you engulfed in 2002 era CGI fire effects while wearing a moo moo and a French braid ponytail makes this all seem waaaaay more ridiculous than it reads on paper.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Grandpa, I need some of your magic heaven water to blah blah stop Gerard in a convoluted way that won’t pan out making this entire scene pointless so forget I even asked blah.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Kids these days! You don't call! You don't write! You only show up when you want something! I’m writing you out of my will and leaving all my vintage baseball cards to Mr. Whiskers!

EXT. DA NILE

NIKOLAJ and BRENTON return and run directly into GERARD’S CGI MOOKS.

CGI MOOK

King Gerard! I fought Nikolaj but he got away! You know, being a God who’s way more powerful than me and all! But I overheard his entire plan to stop you!

GERARD BUTLER

Good work. I will reward your loyalty by removing your head from your neck.

CGI MOOK

But that doesn’t sound like a reward at all!

(killed!)

ELODIE YUNG

Did he say my boyfriend Nikolaj is out having a fun adventure while I’m stuck being even more worthless baggage than I was in G.I. Joe? Well fuck this I want to go do something plot advancing for a change! If only I had a way to get to Nikolaj!

DEMON UBER

We just got your ping, where can we take you?

ELODIE YUNG

To wherever the fuck Nikolaj is. Oh and when you drag me through hell be sure to take the shortcut past the Lake of Fire just down the road from P.L. Travers' time-share.

DEMON UBER

You got it.

ELODIE removes her anti-hell bracelet and uses NIGHTCRAWLER MAGIC to teleport to NIKOLAJ and BRENTON just as they are being attacked by HUGE ASS SAND SNAKES.

ELODIE YUNG

I’ll use my Love Goddess mind control power to stop them... because even CGI snake worms know how to love. Don’t even TRY to wrap your head around that one. So what’s the plan?

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

We’re going to break into Gerard’s temple and kill him, but we’ll need help from the only Brother in Egypt.

INT. WAKANDA

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

I am Thoth, God of wisdom. I also have Multiple-Man powers so I can copy an entire army of myself. See? There are suddenly PLENTY of black people in this movie!

BRENTON THWAITES

You mean that literally ALL look alike, have no character, and silently perform mundane tasks in the background while being totally subservient and having zero effect on the plot? If that doesn’t sum up Hollywood’s opinion of black characters in movies I don’t know what does.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Well surely Chad is going to use his copying powers to mount a massive Agent Smith-type army to outnumber and overpower Gerard’s forces with?

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

What? Oh no, that sounds like white main character stuff and I will have NO PART of it. Instead I’m just going to tag along and help you solve the Sphinx’s riddle while talking like a 9th grade drama teacher with Aspergers.

INT. GERARD’S TEMPLE

The gang go to kill GERARD but are attacked by awful SCORPION KING CGI from THE MUMMY 2.

SPHINX

I’m ready to tell you the riddle. Please choose your category, and remember to answer in the form of a question.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

I’ll take “Old Tired Cliches That Still Somehow Exist In 2016” for 200, Alex.

SPHINX

“This is what typically happens to the only black guy in a movie.”

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

What is OH SHIT I’M DEAD

(is un-brained!)

GERARD BUTLER

Ha! Yanking Chad's brain out of his skull was all part of my evil plan to steal his smarty pants power and combine it with all the other God-powers I’ve stolen to merge them with my robo-armor Voltron style and take over all of creation!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

(quickly jotting down notes)

SLOW DOWN a second! That’s too much plot dump for me to decipher in one run-on sentence! Also please don’t tell Brenton I lied about being able to bring Courtney back from the dead.

BRENTON THWAITES

You WHAT?! I should have known Cersei wasn’t the only person you’ve ever fucked over!

GERARD BUTLER

Hmm, looks like the temple is collapsing on top of you all. Time to leave without actually killing you myself and assume you’ll all die in the destruction. Excelsior!

Thousands of tons of RUBBLE fall on the heads of our HEROES, but they SURVIVE. UGH.

ELODIE YUNG

Well we’re clearly boned. I was better off letting Gerard plow me on his whitewashed Egyptian sheets.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Go to hell Elodie.

ELODIE YUNG

Fine! I will!

(removes magic bracelet)

(is dragged straight to Hell's Kitchen)

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Damn, I didn’t mean literally. Gods are such fucking drama queens.

Meanwhile GERARD uses all the MAGIC BODYPARTS he’s stolen from the God’s he’s killed and merges them with his ROBO-AARDVARK form and goes to GEOFFREY’S SPACESHIP.

GERARD BUTLER

Daddy, why didn’t you love me? Was it because I was in Movie 43?

GEOFFREY RUSH

The Bounty Hunter and The Awful Truth were so much worse. I can’t unsee that shit son!

GERARD steals GEOFFREY’S MAGIC FLAMETHROWER and puts him in a SPACE COMA. Now he has to stop the world from being destroyed by PARALLAX APOPHIS.

EXT. GERARD’S OBELISK THING

NIKOLAJ and BRENTON ride to the top via an ELEVATOR.

BRENTON THWAITES

Hey look, it’s Rufus!

RUFUS SEWELL

Gee, I wonder what I’m doing back in the movie all of a sudd

(killed!)

NIKOLAJ and GERARD have a lightsaber fight. NIKOLAJ gets his ass kicked up and down the ATMOSPHERE.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Fuck I’m losing! Must... transform... into... Robo-Falcon!

(transformers!)

GERARD BUTLER

Whoopdee freaking doo! Check out the sick upgrades I’ve made to my armor!

(becomes winged Robo-Clifford)

THEY WAIL on each other some MORE.

This goes ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and CHECK YOUR PHONE TO SEE WHAT TIME IT IS and ON and ON and ON and ON and

DIRECTOR ALEX PROYAS

My God, how could I go from Dark City and The Crow to making something so bloated with pointless CGI you'd think I graduated from the George Lucas school of filmmaking?

BRENTON THWAITES

Hey! I’ll distract Gerard by hitting him with a small rock!

GERARD BUTLER

Street rat! There’s no way I’d ever fall for--

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

(wins!)

GERARD BUTLER

WHAT?! That's bullshit! I had a magic heart, eye, brain AND wings! How did I lose? If only I had used Chadwick's Multiple-Man Powers I surely absorbed! Wait, why am I covered in Thousand Island Dressing?

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

That’s your God blood. It goes great on a salad.

GERARD BUTLER

Hey little buddy, why don’t you spare your Uncle Gerry just like I spared you earlier?

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Just look at the flowers Gerard.

GERARD BUTLER

(is flame-broiled)

BRENTON THWAITES

Oh no! I was fatally injured during the fight! At least now I’ll get to be with Courtney in the errk!

(dies!)

NIKOLAJ revives GEOFFREY from his SPACE NAP so he can defeat APOPTHIS! He also stops FELICITY from cutting off her hair and gives MARVEL the rights to FANTASTIC FOUR and makes FURY ROAD win Best Picture!

BRENTON THWAITES AND COURTNEY EATON

And he brought us back to life! Hooray!

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

(with duct tape keeping his brain from falling out of his skull)

And Geoffrey brought me back too! Yippee!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Cool! So what about my murdered parents? I can’t wait to see them!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Huh, no, they’re long dead dude.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Oh. Well what about Elodie? Surely you rescued her from the underworld!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Look kid, an all-powerful God can only do so much while floating on a space raft dressed in a bed sheet, okay? Go get her your damn self.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Brenton, I leave you in charge of Egypt while I set off to save Elodie in this obvious setup for the next installment in this hit franchise!

HA HA THAT’S CUTE.

END