FADE IN:

EXT. A PLAIN OF DERRY, MAINE THAT'S MAINLY IN THE RAIN - DAY, 1988

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT is playing with a PAPER BOAT in the GUTTERS along the street.

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

Golly, I sure love boats! And my brother! And having two arms!

His BOAT pours into a STORM DRAIN, where a CLOWN picks it up.

CLOWN

(smiles)

Hiya, Jacky! You want your boat back? Reach that juicy little arm down here and grab it!

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

My parents told me not to talk to strange... clowns...

(trails off)

What the fuck's going on? I have the weirdest sense of deja vu...

CLOWN

My name is Billywise the Other Skarsgard! I'm a shape-shifting, child-eating alien that-

JACKSON SCOFFS LOUDLY and begins WALKING AWAY.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

Wait, come back! I've got, uh...

(shuffles through script)

I've got balloons! They float, too! They all fl-

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

(rolls eyes, air jerking)

Save it. If I wanted a cheesy shot-for-shot remake, I'd just go watch Vince Vaughn flounce his way through "Psycho."

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

But we made some really hip changes, I swear! We're totes down with today's young movie-goers, boiiiii! That's why we set it in the fun and colorful 1980s!

(camera pans gray landscape of indeterminate year)

Huh... We didn't really exploit the time period... And this script was probably set in the 60s before "Stranger Things" gave everyone a synth boner... And 1980s Maine is indistinguishable from 1960s Maine... Or 1860s Maine, for that matter...

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

And bro, it's 1988. If you're trying to a lure a small child to the sewer, you should ditch that dumpster clown outfit and disguise yourself as a Ninja Tur-

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

There will be absolutely no mention of turtles in this movie and that's final!

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

Really? With today's technology, it would've been awesome to see a faithful adaptation of the cosmic turtle and trippy psychic battles from the book! You could have AT LEAST fixed that garbage ending the miniseries had...

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

I'm not fixin' shit, Jacky! We're gonna double DOWN on that bullshit ending! Do you think the studio that brought you "Justice League" gives a shit about source material? These ghouls gut movies harder than I gut schoolchildren. Now...

(bares cartoonish CG fangs)

GET IN MY BELLY!!!

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

(shrugs)

IT's less evil than Disney...

(shoves arm into sewer)

In a sequence of GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE against SMALL CHILDREN that is SURPRISINGLY FAITHFUL to STEPHEN KING'S COKE-FUELED FEVER DREAM BELOVED NOVEL, IT BITES OFF JACKSON'S ARM. He SCREAMS and CRAWLS away through a PUDDLE OF BLOOD.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

(grabs JACKSON's ankle)

Hey, my arm can stretch! I guess I didn't need to bother luring you over...

(never does this again)

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

(frowns at camera)

Who hurt you, Stephen?

(disappears into sewer)

EXT. DOWNTON DERRY - SUMMER, 1989

SEVEN YOUNG LOSERS sit and talk in the shade under an enormous FALSE CHEKOV'S GUN PAUL BUNYAN STATUE.

JAEDEN "STUTTERS WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT" LIEBERHER

... friggin' Swedish clown snatched my little brother.

(rolls 20-sided di)

It's a classic case of boy meets interdimensional monster, monster takes boy to subterranean horror realm, boy's friends bike around impotently for half the runtime trying to save him - you guys know the drill.

SOPHIA "IS THAT A CLONE OF AMY ADAMS?" LILLIS

And I'll be playing the short-haired girl with father issues.

(nose bleeds)

I'm also psychic.

FINN "NOT AN ATTEMPT TO CASH IN ON STRANGER THINGS MANIA" WOLFHARD

(adjusts comically large glasses)

Same shit as season one, no problem Eleven- er, Sophia.

JEREMY RAY "CHUBBY CHEEKS" TAYLOR

(talking through mouthful of Cheetos)

IT brings our worst fears to life! I got chased by a headless boy while doing historical research in the library-

"THE" CHOSEN "ONE" JACOBS

Wait, that didn't happen to ME?

(flips through script)

I grow up to be a librarian and serve as group historian in the book because of stories told by my loving father, so from a character development perspective-

(finds page)

... My parents burned to death in a crack den.

(wipes ass with script)

Fuck you, Warner Bros - of course the black kid has the "inner-city" background.

JACK DYLAN "CHECK OUT MY FANNY PACK" GRAZER

(rubbing on hand sanitizer)

IT became a slobbering gash-faced muppet and chased me around, too!

(puffs inhaler)

And then the clown appeared holding 99 red balloons, which I thought was a huge missed opportunity...

WYATT "IS IN THIS MOVIE" OLEFF

I am also in this movie.

(is he, though?)

I got jump-scared by a scary painting lady the other day - could that be related?

JAEDEN LIEBERHER

Ok, so IT knows I feel guilty over my brother's death, Sophia is afraid of her rapey dad, Jeremy is afraid of Easter eggs or something, Chosen hates his ravaged backstory, Jack fears murderous muppets, and Wyatt is so boring that he ripped off "The Conjuring 2."

(turns to FINN)

Well?

FINN WOLFHARD

Me? I'm afraid of...

(glances up at statue)

Uh... clowns?

The GROUP begins BOOING and throwing PAPER BALLS at his head.

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

(fakes asthma attack)

Weak- cough cough writing- cough cough

FINN WOLFHARD

But they're gonna retcon it in the sequel, I swear!

(shouts to no one)

Now would be a GREAT TIME to shoot some principle photography for that scene, by the way! I'm on the razor's edge of puberty and we'll save a shitload on the next CGI budget!

This DOES NOT HAPPEN.

FINN WOLFHARD

(balls drop)

INT. THE UPSIDE DOWN HOUSE ON NEIBOLT STREET - DAY

The LOSERS enter but SOPHIA is ABSENT.

JAEDEN LIEBERHER

Ok, so it turns out that trying to kill IT with NO PLAN and NO WEAPONS was a colossally stupid idea. My bad...

JACK DYLAN GLAZER

(cradling broken arm)

Thank the cosmic turt-

(shushed by group in unison)

-Er, thank God Sophia stabbed IT with that rod.

(that rhymed)

CHOSEN JACOBS

(twirling bolt gun)

And since our resident fire-crotch is suddenly missing, it's up to the token black kid to give you honkies some street cred.

All the LITTLE HONKIES climb down a ROPE into a WELL but TOWN BULLY, NICHOLAS HAMILTON appears and ATTACKS CHOSEN.

NICHOLAS HAMILTON

(has a sweet mullet)

If you want to kill IT, you have to get through me firs-

(falls down well)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

(falls and screams for 10 more seconds)

FINN WOLFHARD

The impact of that fall definitely liquefied his organs. He's 100% dead, for sure!

(no, he's not)

Dafuq??? Is this movie set in the Fast & Furious universe?!

They enter a CAVERNOUS ROOM filled with a MOUND OF GARBAGE surrounded by dozens of CHILDREN FLOATING IN MID-AIR.

JEREMY RAY TAYLOR

Look, there's Sophia! I can see up her dress...

(drools, hyperventilates)

They PULL HER DOWN and JEREMY KISSES HER UNCONSCIOUS FACE WITHOUT HER CONSENT... but in a ROMANTIC way.

SOPHIA LILLIS

(wipes residual Cheeto dust off lips)

Man, I thought we were just lucky to escape before but IT had me on a silver platter and STILL didn't kill me! We can't lose!

(dramatic tension dissipates)

JACKSON ROBERT SCOTT

(shuffles out of darkness)

Jaeden, is that you?

(missing arm)

I'm scared-

JAEDEN grabs the BOLT GUN and SHOOTS HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.

JAEDEN LIEBERHER

I'm 70% sure he was IT in disguise!

(JACKSON remains still)

Uh...

(still nothing)

No, God, no! WHAT HAVE I DO-

(transforms into 6'4" nightmare clown)

Oh, thank Christ.

IT leaps up and GRABS JAEDEN by the THROAT.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

(sounds like psychotic Winnie-the-Pooh)

I'M SO RUMBLY IN MY TUMBLY!

(but seriously, great acting)

FINN grabs a BASEBALL BAT and starts BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF IT, JOAQUIN PHOENIX-STYLE.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

This is why Swedes hate Finns!

(crickets)

Nothing?

The OTHER LOSERS join in JOYFULLY BEATING THE CLOWN TO DEATH as IT RAPIDLY TRANSFORMS into all of their FEARS.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

(turns into SOPHIA's dad)

I'm your father!

(smack, turns into JACKSON)

I'm your brother!

(smack)

I'm your father!

(smack)

I'm your brother!

(smack)

I'm your father AND your brother!

This SICK "CHINATOWN" REFERENCE goes RIGHT OVER THEIR HEADS and SOPHIA RAMS A ROD DOWN ITS THROAT.

CHOSEN JACOBS

(giggles)

You gotta open your throat, relax the jaw!

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

Don't forget to cup the balls!

They LOOM over ITS BLOODY, BEATEN, SPIT-DRENCHED BODY.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

So... Remember how I've had plenty of opportunities to kill you but instead let you live for no reason?

(sly grin)

You see what I'm getting at here?

JAEDEN LIEBERHER

(lowers weapon)

... IT's got a point.

Then they just LET IT LIVE FOR NO REASON. YES, REALLY.

BILLYWISE THE OTHER SKARSGARD

(crawls into hole)

I can't believe that worked!

FINN WOLFHARD

Any chance to build a cinematic universe, amirite?

EXT. FIELD - SEVERAL WEEKS LATER, DAY

The LOSERS sit in a CIRCLE.

SOPHIA LILLIS

I had a psychic vision of the future while I was catatonic and saw all of the casting decisions for the sequel... I have mixed feelings about it.

JEREMY RAY TAYLOR

(moon-eyed)

(and moon-faced)

Well, OBVIOUSLY you're gonna be played by Amy Ad-

SOPHIA LILLIS

(slowly shakes head)

JEREMY RAY TAYLOR

(dreams crushed)

WYATT OLEFF

Will I be there, too?

SOPHIA LILLIS

(grimaces, sucks teeth)

Let me put it this way: You'll be just as important in Part 2 as you were in Part 1.

(points at JAEDEN)

You're gonna wanna invest in some thick-soled boots 'cuz I don't think you're gonna get much taller.

FINN WOLFHARD

(stands up)

Alright, let's wrap this up so we can back to our various Netflix shows.

CHOSEN JACOBS

And Hulu... Hey Bill, can I get a ride?

(hops into convertible)

BILL "THE KID" SKARSGARD

(out of character)

Next stop, Castle Rock!

(floors it)

See you all in 27 yeeeeeeeeeeeears!

The REST OF THE LOSERS depart, leaving JAEDEN and SOPHIA alone.

SOPHIA LILLIS

(kisses him)

What can I say? I've wanted a piece of James McAvoy since that shirtless scene in "Wanted" - but this is close enough.

(leaves)

JAEDEN LIEBERHER

(balls drop)

END