"SOMEBODY here... does NOT... have a valid TRANSFER."


"SOMEBODY here... does NOT... have a valid TRANSFER."

CAPTAIN MARVEL

The Abridged Script

Alex's Note: Greetings, true believers! Before we get started, special thanks go out to my wife Barbara, who was (as usual) invaluable in creating our part of this script. Also as usual, the groanworthy puns are entirely my fault. 'Nuff said!.

FADE IN:

The MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE opening is modified to be all STAN LEE CAMEOS and a title card says THANK YOU STAN and STAN gets a moving SPACE FUNERAL where he turns into a MULTI-COLOURED SPARKLY SPACE ARROW and WHO PUT EXTRA FEELS IN THE POPCORN DAMMIT WE ONLY ASKED FOR ONE LAYER OF FEELS.

INT. BUSTLING ALIEN METROPOLIS OF KREEATTLE

JUDE LAW is woken by a knock on the door which proves to be BRIE LARSON.

BRIE LARSON

Hey Jude. I couldn't sleep so thought I'd come round for a booty call, as in, where I kick your booty ALL over the damn place. Whaddya say?

They head over to ALIEN PLANET FITNESS and begin to SPAR!

JUDE LAW

You must learn to suppress your emotions, "Veers"! I hope it's not confusing anyone to use only a fragment of your character's name, and then mispronounce it so it's also a verb.

BRIE LARSON

Wait, so now it's smile LESS?! There's just no pleasing some people.

(photon zaps Jude)

JUDE LAW

Ouch! Remember you can lose your photon-zap power at any time, since it comes from that implant in your neck. Yes it looks a lot like the power-INHIBITOR-implant from Agents of SHIELD, crossed with the shock-controller from Thor Ragnarok, but let's not think about that.

BRIE and JUDE take the KREE SUBWAY for their regular appointment with the KREE SUPREME INTELLIGENCE. BRIE is hooked up to their HENTAI TENTACLE INTERFACE and is mentally projected to a MATRIX SPACE where we meet ANNETTE BE-NING.

ANNETTE BE-NING

So how's things Brie? Not remembering any part of your past life I hope? Ah, if only I had any control over this virtual realm and could avoid looking like this massive clue about your past life. Anyway thanks for dropping by!

INT. JUDE LAW'S SPACESHIP

BRIE and JUDE have been sent on a mission to RESCUE a fellow KREE STARFORCER, along with JUDE'S eclectic team of scavenged intellectual properties including BLUE GEMMA CHAN and DJIMON HOUNSOU!

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Yes audience it's me, a bad guy from Guardians of the Galaxy! Don't worry though, at this time in history I'm TOTES one of the heroes.

(winks)

JUDE LAW

We'll also be helped out by Lee Pace, the MAIN bad guy from Guardians of the Galaxy! But honestly, we are 100% on the side of goodness and puppies here, yep. Ha ha ha.

(smiles)

Anyway, the plan is to sneak in while Lee bombs the shit out of civilians OKAY LET'S LOOK SHARP PEOPLE

BRIE LARSON

(gearing up)

There's no way for the audience to predict the big surprise twist, THAT'S for sure!

EXT. PLANET DARKSHADOW IN THE DIMLIGHTING SYSTEM - NIGHT

The JUDE CREW carefully make their way across the brown-orange landscape in their green-black uniforms.

GEMMA CYAN

Hey why don't we use the colour-controls on our suits to match the terrain? I mean if we're trying to be stealthy as possible...

JUDE LAW

Dammit I've told you before Gemma, the colour-controls are for character-building purposes ONLY! Now take your position!

Meanwhile BRIE tracks down the STARFORCER in need of rescue!

BRIE LARSON

We know those lousy rotten shape-shifting Skrulls are on this planet, so I need you to answer a security question. What was the name of your first pet?

BEN MENDELSOHN

I'm gonna say... Sparky?

(zaps Brie)

Shockingly, BEN is REALLY a low-down dirty no-good SKRULL!

BRIE LARSON

(being zapped)

ARGHHHH... knew we should have used... two-factor identification...

(passes out)

INT. BRIE'S MEMORIES

BRIE remembers being a BADASS AIR FORCE PILOT in the UNITED STATES MUTHAH-FUCKIN' AIR FORCE training alongside some MISOGYNISTIC ASSHOLES OH YEEAHH!!! She also remembers fellow kickass pilot LASHANA LYNCH!

LASHANA LYNCH

Enjoying this fast-paced blurry memory montage? Gotta say, the way everyone went on about the Air Force's involvement with this movie, I was expecting WAAAYYY more military porn.

BRIE LARSON

Yeah, me too. But something's off, how can Annette Be-Ning be everywhere at once in the mid-90s? Who does she think she is, Denis Leary?!?

(mugs to camera)

In reality BEN and the SKRULLS are keeping BRIE sedated while they search her brain for vital CO-ORDINATES. But BRIE decides to NOT be sedated anymore and BUSTS LOOSE! She MOPS THE FLOOR with a fuckload of SKRULLS and ESCAPES-

BRIE LARSON

Woah, not before grabbing my custom boots! Do you know how hard it is to find a proper size 8.5 in Kreeattle? Most of them are mislabelled size 9s, those FUCKERS.

(zaps Skrull)

BRIE hops into an ESCAPE POD, however BEN shoots it and makes the controls all fritzy, RUH ROH!

BEN MENDELSKRULL

Ha ha, now she'll be forced to crash land, and I can extract the crucial information I need from the fiery wreckage. Oh hey our ship's also fucked, prepare to crash land! Luckily crash-landings in the MCU never result in anything worse than a few scrapes, just avoid the Arctic and we're good.

INT. BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO STORE - PLANET C-53 AKA "EARTH", 1995

BRIE crashes into the BLOCKBUSTER similarly to how BLOCKBUSTER had previously crashed into ALL INDEPENDENT LOCAL VIDEO STORES! Picking herself up, she reflexively photon-blasts a standee from TRUE LIES, having had her FILL of "women-being-psychologically-fucked-with" content for ONE DAMN DAY. Outside, she grabs some random electronics from a nearby RADIO SHACK JOKE to repair her SUIT RADIO and call JUDE.

JUDE LAW

(on radio)

Message received. Unfortunately the Skrulls took you from the Epic Space Adventure quadrant over to the Buddy Cop Movie quadrant, it'll take us at least one full act to get there. Try to stay in one piece until we can restore the genre, okay?

BRIE LARSON

No promises, Sarge. I'm too much of a LOOSE CANNON, I tell you the MAYOR'S in on this! Oh fuck, I've already been infected. Next thing I'll have a mismatched partner...

Right on cue BRIE is approached by the CGI DE-AGENTS OF SHIELD, CLARK "TOO-SMOOTH" GREGG and SAMUEL L. DOUBLE-PUPIL JACKSON.

SAMUEL L. DOUBLE-PUPIL JACKSON

Yes it's me, the younger, pre-jaded, TWO-eyed Nick Fury! Looking forward to a long, upbeat, and optimistic career with my pair of functioning healthy eyes. Yep.

(scratches nose with garden rake)

Anyway Brie, I need a statement. Before you answer, let me just check my mechanical pencil is loaded by staring at the nib REEEEALLL CLOSE

Just then they are interrupted by LASER BLASTS from a nearby rooftop!

SKRULL DISGUISED AS SURFER DUDE

Mwah ha, yes it is I, the toned, fearsome.... SURFER-SKRULL!! BWAH HA HA HA wait that's not quite right is it. Oops. Anyhoo, chase time!

(flees)

SKRULL DISGUISED AS CLARK GREGG

(under breath)

Nice going asshole, if you'd just waited a minute I had a WAY better shot.

BRIE chases the SURFER-SKRULL onto a TRAIN! Scanning the passengers she notices STAN LEE rehearsing his cameo in MALLRATS, where he played THE REAL STAN LEE, thus opening up AN INFINITE RECURSIVE LOOP OF NESTED REALITIES where every Marvel Universe has a real Stan Lee along with another Marvel Universe inside it which ALSO has a real Stan Lee and another Marvel Universe inside FOR ALL ETERNITY HOLY FUCK.

SKRULL DISGUISED AS OLD LADY

Ha, if you punch me now, it'll be taken out of context for the teaser and people will think you just really hate senior citizens!

BRIE LARSON

Oh c'mon, like the marketing people would really fuck me over like that?

(clobbers Skrull)

They epically FIGHT but the SKRULL gets away! Meanwhile SAMUEL fights SKRULL CLARK GREGG in his CAR, and WINS by deliberately crashing headlong into a RUNNING-WITH-SCISSORS DELIVERY TRUCK.

SAMUEL L. DOUBLE-PUPIL JACKSON

Phew, the Skrull's dead and I'm A-OK! That was too close.

(wipes brow with live porcupine)

INT. INTERNET CAFE

BRIE uses the hilariously primitive 1990s Internet cafe to track down the location of a BAR that she saw during the memory probe.

BRIE LARSON

Now I just need transport. But I don't want to steal randomly, maybe there's a horrible sexist douchebag nearby I could rob with a clear conscience? But what are the odds of finding oh there's one.

BRIE steals DOUCHEBAG'S MOTORCYCLE, grabs some PLAIN CLOTHES, saves her BATTLESUIT to the CLOUD and drives off!

INT. AUTOPSY ROOM

SAMUEL meets his boss BEN MENDELSOHN at the SKRULL AUTOPSY, unaware that it's really BEN MENDELSOHN who has copied the form of SAMUEL'S BOSS who just happens to look like BEN MENDELSOHN.

SAMUEL L. DOUBLE-PUPIL JACKSON

(combing eyebrows with fork)

I got a report of someone matching Brie's description stealing a motorcycle. Luckily whoever spotted her also deduced exactly what remote desert bar she's going to, so I'm gonna intercept her there. But first I think we should check out this Skrull's junk, har har!

BEN MENDELSOHN

Really dude? Fine, to avoid blowing my cover I'll go along with making a embarrassing dick joke at the expense of my dear departed brother-in-arms. Hope everyone's REAL proud of themselves.

INT. DESERT BAR

BRIE has just ordered another shot of FRAGMENTED MEMORIES when SAMUEL saunters in.

SAMUEL L. DOUBLE-PUPIL JACKSON

(juggling knitting needles)

Hey Brie. How about you explain what's going on?

BRIE LARSON

Skrulls have invaded your planet and can look like anyone. But they can only replicate recent memories. So to prove you're human, please tell me a bunch of old memories that I have absolutely no way of verifying.

SAMUEL L. MULTI-IRIS JACKSON

(balancing katana on forehead)

Okay... are Skrulls also incapable of just making shit up on the fly?

BRIE LARSON

Actually yes, we had to literally ban them from Improv Night. And how you know I'M not a Skrull is this!

(photon-zaps random shit)

You see, a Skrull would never show such disregard for a bar-owner's livelihood. Only a fully-trained Kree Starforcer can be such a dick.

SAMUEL L. DEPTH-PERCEPTION JACKSON

(operating table saw without safety goggles)

All right, I choose to share that I never cut my bread diagonally. That may seem odd, but I just wanna see fans obsessively dissect the "Ultron" scene where I make myself food.

BRIE LARSON

Cool. Now during my memory probe I also saw something about Project Pegasus, so my plan was that eventually I'd bump into somebody with ultra-top-secret security clearance who would take me there.

SAMUEL L. DUO-PEEPERS JACKSON

(wearing Pinhead mask inside out)

And you were 100% right, check out the big brain on Brie!

INT. SECRET MILITARY BASE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT

SAMUEL uses his SHIELD CLEARANCE to get them into PROJECT PEGASUS.

SECURITY GUY

Yeah, have a look around. We got some files, a random cat, and this list of people and equipment that have mysteriously vanished over the past six years.

GOOSE THE CAT

(burps)

SAMUEL L. BIG-OL'-SOFTIE JACKSON

So cuuute! I'm taking this stray animal everywhere I go starting now.

BRIE and SAMUEL rummage through the FILES. BRIE finds photos of her and LASHANA and ANNETTE all being in the AIR FORCE together!

BRIE LARSON

Says here that six years ago Annette Be-Ning was working on a lightspeed drive powered by the Tesseract OH BOY IT'S THE INFINITY STONES AGAIN EVERYONE, YAY

SAMUEL L. KITTY-LOVIN' JACKSON

Yeah Howard Stark dragged it out of the Arctic around the same time he did not drag Chris Evans out. Then somehow it wound up with Annette, I assume we'll fill in that piece of the puzzle sometime around 2028.

SAMUEL secretly pages his boss BEN MENDELSOHN unaware he is really BEN MENDELSOHN, but on arriving BEN MENDELSOHN lets slip that he is in fact BEN MENDELSOHN! He and SAMUEL fight!

SAMUEL L. KITTY-LOVIN' JACKSON

(getting thrown about by Ben)

God dammit, aren't there ANY scrawny weakling aliens?!

However BRIE gives BEN a good ZAPPING allowing her and SAM to flee in a QUADJET!

CLARK GREGG

I also helped by choosing to not give away their position. Otherwise Brie would have had to photon-zap two more regular humans before getting away!

(heroic pose)

EXT. LASHANA LYNCH'S RANCH JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM HAWKEYE'S FARM

BRIE and SAMUEL and GOOSE use the QUADJET to visit the only person on Earth BRIE might possibly remember, a sure-fire way to keep anyone searching for you off the trail.

SAMUEL L. KITTY-LOVIN' JACKSON

This Quadjet is pretty cool. Y'know if I ever run SHIELD, I think I'll try to get us a sliiiightly more advanced version of it. Now for a quick nap.

(makes pillow out of glass shards)

LASHANA LYNCH

My God Brie, I thought you were gone forever, and I'd have to wait for my daughter Monica to fully grow up before finally seeing a Captain Marvel movie. Not that Film #21 is exactly breakneck speed, but here we are, at least!

BRIE LARSON

(looking through photos)

So seems like before I vanished, we were inseparable and basically raising a kid together... were we, like...

LASHANA LYNCH

Oh HAHAHAHA no, Marvel movies are nowhere NEAR ready for THAT. Mercy me. Anyway, let's see if they can handle "meaningful female friendship" first before we go all crazy.

BEN MENDELSKRULL

Also I'm here with a milkshake, just casually sliding into your DMs, hey there. I've decided to ditch the whole "rip up your brain and shoot your face" strategy and would now like to try talking it out.

(sips drink)

Also if you won't talk it out I kill the kid. But in a spirit of friendly diplomacy, mind you!

BEN reveals that he has the BLACK BOX recording of the fateful day BRIE and ANNETTE crashed while testing ANNETTE'S lightspeed drive.

BEN MENDELSKRULL

This is from a special black box that could record after the crash, and outside the plane, anyway here goes.

They LISTEN and BRIE begins to remember what REALLY happened!

BRIE LARSON

Holy shit, Jude's the big bad, NOT Ben! Anne was actually Kree and I got my powers from blowing up her lightspeed drive, NOT from the implant! Tim Robbins never LEFT Vietnam! Jaye Davidson had a PENIS! Chris Plummer was Keyser Soze ALL ALONG!! Sorry, I'm catching up on six years of spoilers here.

BEN MENDELSKRULL

Yes, the self-righteously imperialistic Kree are the actual villains! I know this is hard to accept in a universe where self-righteous conquerors make up like 80% of our bad guys.

BRIE LARSON

This changes everything. I guess I can give you those secret co-ordinates after all, which are... in ORBIT dun dun dunnn! This also helps us transition smoothly back into Space Adventure territory, you're welcome.

BRIE downloads her BATTLESUIT from the CLOUD and finds LASHANA'S DAUGHTER.

BRIE LARSON

Hey kid, I've unlocked new custom skins for the next level! Wanna help me choose?

LASHANA'S DAUGHTER

Sure! How about this setting, "black fetishwear with a big yellow lightning bolt"?

BRIE LARSON

No thanks. Ooh, what about mostly red and blue with a big star on the chest, nobody's done that yet, right?

Our heroes pile into the QUADJET and fly up to the CO-ORDINATES where they find ANNETTE'S secret cloaked spaceship/laboratory/pinball arcade!

INT. ORBITING SPACESHIP LAB / RETRO KITSCH MUSEUM

Once aboard, our HEROES find tons of random shit including the TESSERACT, which they cunningly hide inside a 'FONZIE' LUNCHBOX because that's EVER SO NINETIES. They also find BEN'S FAMILY and a group of REFUGEE SKRULLS!

BEN'S LIFE PARTNER

Yes, we've been hiding here for six years, living on nothing but Nerf balls and pleated pants. Also fair warning, we ran out of shower water after two years.

JUDE LAW

(entering)

Ha ha, we found you! Thanks for decloaking this ship by the way, and not doing anything silly like re-cloaking it. Seize them!

JUDE uses BRIE'S IMPLANT to ZAP her, and hooks her up to the SUPREME INTELLIGENCE!

ANNETTE BE-NING

Welcome back, now you will tell me where to find the Tesseract. To relax you let's play a song on this... turntable? That also seems a bit dated for the whole 90s thing, but anyway, please enjoy "Come As You Are" by Nirvana!

(starts song)

Wait a sec, this came out in 1991, two years after you left Earth. How'd it get in your brain?

BRIE LARSON

I probably heard it listening to KREE-FM 88.1 on my way to work. You know, the intergalactic radio station run by undercover Kree agent Kay-Semm on Planet C-53... it uses our hyper-advanced tech to broadcast the latest C-53 hits across the whole Kree Empire? You must know it, I mean sure it's a primitive backwater but they gots TUNES, yo.

ANNETTE BE-NING

(blinks)

Riiiiight. Anyway this will be a powerful mental struggle of wills so you know what that means, ZAPPY ZAP TIME!!!

ANNETTE zaps BRIE with a metaphorical mind-ray or something? But BRIE DIGS DEEP and SUMMONS HER TRUE POWER and she GETS BACK UP, and so does BOOT CAMP BRIE and GO-CART BRIE and SOFTBALL BRIE and EVERY POTENTIAL SLAYER BECOMES A REAL SLAYER AND THOSE UBERVAMPS ARE SO SCREWED NOW!

BRIE LARSON

(CPU-stomps Annette)

ANNETTE BE-NING

(defeated)

I knew I shouldn't trust the Brie from Planet C-53.

Meanwhile SAM and LASHANA and GOOSE are facing off with some KREE GUARDS!

SAMUEL L. KITTY-LOVIN' JACKSON

Okay, I've been hearing non-stop how frikkin awesome this cat is supposed to be, and honestly it hasn't done much. I'm struggling to see what all the fuss is-

GOOSE opens his mouth and GIANT FUCKING TENTACLES emerge and GRAB AND EAT all the KREE GUARDS, the TESSERACT, and a WHOLE PAN OF LASAGNA!

LASHANA LYNCH

Holy fuck! It seems so cute and wholesome, but inside is an inescapable void of endless consumption, primed to devour the unwary! Fun fact, 1995 is also when Settlers of Catan was published.

SAMUEL L. KITTY-LOVIN' JACKSON

Do you mean "Cat"-an, or Settlers of FLERK-AN, HARDY HAR HAR yes I am honoured to accept this award for Nerdiest Joke Ever, I want to thank-

BRIE LARSON

(arriving)

Right then, I'm finally at FULL POWER so now it's Unstoppable Asskicker time, y'know like we did at the end of Thor, and Thor Ragnarok, and I really should meet Thor someday! Anyway you guys grab the Skrulls and scram while I go beast-mode on these assholes.

While everyone else dashes off to the QUADJET, BRIE faces the LAW SQUAD by her lonesome!

BRIE LARSON

Time to fuck y'all up! And since I wore a Nine Inch Nails T-Shirt for half the movie, obviously it's time for some NIN!

(opens can of whupass as music blares)

Now who wants a HEAD LIKE A HOLE?!? Oh sorry did that HURT? Do you WISH you weren't getting FIST FUCKED, you BIG MAN WITH A GUN? What a BURN! Gotta say, stomping your face is THE PERFECT DRUG! Winning a fight against me is SOMETHING YOU CAN NEVER HAVE!

However GEMMA CYAN has flown after the QUADJET and so she and LASHANA must engage in aerial combat!

LASHANA LYNCH

I'm gonna fly into a canyon! Gemma will have to adhere to Movie Code and follow me in, rather than simply attack from above or something sensible like that.

GEMMA CYAN

Can't... break free... of trope! Must... follow!

LASHANA outduels GEMMA and shoots her down, yay!

SAMUEL L. KITTY-LOVIN' JACKSON

Nice flying Lashana! And we didn't even get a scratch on us-

(Goose swats at Sam)

WHOOPS careful Goose that almost got me! Chalk up another dodged bullet for OWW AW FUCKING CAT HAIR, GOT A SINGLE CAT HAIR RIGHT INSIDE MY FUCKING EYE, GOD DAMN THAT STINGS ARGHHHH

Back at the lab BRIE has pulverized everyone but JUDE, who grabs a fighter-ship and heads out after LASHANA! BRIE tries grabbing his ship but is thrown loose!

BRIE LARSON

(plunging to death)

Welp. Guess I'm fucked unless I can fly...

(flies)

Okay then.

BRIE punchzaps JUDE'S SHIP and also zappunches LEE PACE'S FLEET that was gonna bomb the planet!

LEE PACE

Dammit! At least I scored some cool goth swag to take home. And also...

(actual line)

We'll be back... for the woman.

NOT LEE PACE

Ugh, way to make it all creepy dude. Of course that's SUCH a big threat coming from beloved Marvel character Mr Dance-Off-Loser Blown-to-Shit Failure Man.

LEE PACE

SHUT UP YOU POSER

(storms off to room)

(paints nails black)

BRIE flies down to Earth for her final confrontation with JUDE!

JUDE LAW

Right, I can see I'm outgunned here. But! I challenge you to a traditional Final Boss Fistfight, where you throw away all your combat advantages because of some ridiculous machismo bro code! HA HA HA HA wait I think there's a flaw in this pl

(photon-zapped SO DAMN HARD)

INT. LASHANA'S RANCH

Our heroes have a celebratory DINNER, after which BRIE and SAMUEL decide to be polite guests and do DISHES, and the REFUGEE SKRULLS stampede upstairs to take HOT SHOWERS. Let's just hope that SHIELD is gonna cover LASHANA'S WATER BILL this month.

SAMUEL L. FLATWARE-WASHING JACKSON

So you're gonna help Ben and his people find a new planet to live on? That's quite the epic task, guess you'll be gone for

(checks MCU schedule)

almost seven weeks.

BRIE LARSON

Yes, I have a long journey ahead. But, I upgraded your pager so you can summon me from another galaxy for EMERGENCIES ONLY. I don't wanna hear about trivial shit like full-scale alien invasions, or global armies of deathbots about to wipe out all humanity. EMERGENCIES. ONLY.

SAMUEL L. FLATWARE-WASHING JACKSON

So nothing less than Universe-spanning catastrophes that you'd already know about, or have a 50/50 shot of already being killed by?

BRIE LARSON

Exactly. Also I made this toaster into a nuclear fucking power plant because Kree upgrade technology is just that fucking amazing.

INT. SHIELD OFFICES - LATER

SAMUEL, now wearing an EYEPATCH since it apparently took a few days for the injury to kick in, shares his report with CLARK GREGG.

CLARK GREGG

(reading)

Wow, you're proposing a whole shared Cinematic Universe, bold move.

(actual line)

Do you really think we'll find more?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Well given that by 1995, SHIELD has files on Captain Marvel, Captain America, the Red Skull, the original Ant-Man and Wasp, Ghost, Zero-Matter Woman, and the Winter Soldier, yeah, I think we'll find more.

SAMUEL notices that BRIE'S CALLSIGN in the Air Force was "AVENGER" and retitles his file accordingly, while certain PUN-OBSESSED FANS wish they'd stuck with her comics callsign of "CHEESEBURGER" since that could have set up a really sweet BRIE joke. Alas, 'twas not to BRIE. We're so very sorry.

BRIE LARSON

So that makes ME the actual First Avenger. Noice!

CHRIS EVANS

Except I started in WWII, so chronologically I'M still first.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Okay but technically I was the first to be OFFICIALLY recruited into the Avengers Initiative...

CLARK GREGG

YEAH WELL ON MY SHOW SAMUEL CALLED ME AN AVENGER AND I WAS ON BOARD BEFORE ANYONE SO THERE

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Hey look, I think we all know that every Avenger is equally important, and it doesn't REALLY matter who was first. And as long as it's not Hawkeye, right?

EVERYONE

(nods in agreement)

END

INT. BONUS SCENE - AVENGERS COMPOUND - 2019, AFTER THE SNAP

The NON-DUSTED AVENGERS dwell on how FUCKED everything is.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(pounds back Scotch)

MARK RUFFALO

(mournfully eats five-gallon vat of ice cream)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(blasts NIN music)

BRIE LARSON

SURPRIIIISE BITCHES!!! So now can we finally release all the promotional material that contain the big huge unguessable secret that I'm in Avengers 4?

GOOSE

(hacks)

(coughs)

(pukes up Endgame posters, trailers, interviews, social media posts)

There you go.

TITLE CARD: CAPTAIN MARVEL will return in AVENGERS: ENDGAME. GOOSE will return in MEN IN BLACK. And JAMES GUNN will return in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOLUME THREE OH YEEEEAAHHH

END

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