FADE IN:

EXT. SIERRA LEONE

DJIMON HOUNSOU'S village is raided by RUF GUERILLAS headed by DAVID HAREWOOD. They kidnap DJIMON and make him LOOK FOR DIAMONDS.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Holy crap, I just found a huge diamond! I need to hide this in a random, unidentifiable spot in the ground so that I can come back and find it later somehow.

DAVID HAREWOOD

I would normally kill you for this, but through a series of comically serendipitous occurrences I'll let you get away with it.

DJIMON and DAVID wind up in prison with diamond smuggler LEONARDO DICAPRIO.

DAVID HAREWOOD

Djimon has a huge diamond worth millions. I'll pay the first person to get it from him.

PRISONERS

Money? We desperately need that!

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Um, I don't have it. That dude is lying.

PRISONERS

Oh. Well, nevermind then. Good thing you denied having the diamond, we almost killed you over nothing. Gosh.

LEONARDO, however, sees through this clever ruse and arranges for he and DJIMON to be released.

Meanwhile, just to make sure that no social issue is left untouched, DJIMON'S SON is recruited and trained by RUF and the rest of his family winds up in a refugee camp.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Hey, let's team up and get your diamond. You can be my sidekick.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Sidekick? I'm the main character. You're MY sidekick. The movie storyline centers around me. It's my kid that gets kidnapped, and my family in the camp.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Then how come I got Oscar nomination for Best Lead Actor while you only got one for Best Supporting Actor?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Because the academy is ridiculously fucking racist and nobody seems to notice.

The two of them move from action sequence to action sequence.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

What's with all the action? I thought this was supposed to be a serious political thriller.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

It is. Even though it's structured exactly like any other corny action movie, it's about something political. That makes it an oscar-worthy drama.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Er, but the villain wears an eyepatch. Seriously.

Eventually they meet up with JENNIFER CONNELLY.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Hey, a character representing western naivete. Let's have a snarky conversation that neatly summarizes the political history of the conflict-diamond trade.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

Fine, but only if you don't use that stupid accent.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Fine. Anyway, Djimon needs my help to sell a diamond and your help getting to it.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

Why does he need our help? Isn't it kind of racist to have the black guy being led by white people?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

It could be worse. Our director's last movie was about Japanese Samurai needing to be led by a white American drunk.

CONNELLY transparently gives the writers a mouthpiece for various social messages and occasionally she takes pictures of things.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

God my job is frustrating!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Because your only purpose is rattling off statistics and history lessons about conflict diamonds?

JENNIFER CONNELLY

No, because I want to show my readers in America what the diamond business is about but all I can do is photograph African people being sad.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Maybe you should make a fictional movie starring an attractive male actor from a movie that was extremely popular with women in the age group currently on the market for diamond rings.

Eventually LEONARDO and DJIMON make their way to the diamond and attempt to escape from AFRICA, but LEONARDO is shot!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Damn! Djimon, you take the diamond without me. Sell it and save your family.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Wow, you've really changed from the despicable bastard you were when the movie began. What compelling character drama.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Not really. My plan was to double cross you at the last second and the only thing that prevented that was me getting shot. I stopped being a jerk only because I stopped existing.

(dies)

DJIMON gets out of AFRICA and testifies before a bunch of government-types.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Finally, I have a chance to speak out! The African perspective can be heard!

As DJIMON begins to speak, dramatic music swells and drowns him out entirely.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

What the FUCK?

EPILOGUE

There are still many blood diamonds in the world. It's the responsibility of consumers to make sure their diamonds are conflict-free.

AUDIENCE

Yeah! I'm going to do the responsible thing and ask next time I buy a diamond!

INT. JEWELRY STORE

AUDIENCE

Hey, is this diamond conflict-free?

DIAMOND SALESMAN

Pfft, how the fuck should I know?

AUDIENCE

Good enough for me, I'll take it!

END