FADE IN:

INT. A CASTLE

DEV PATEL sits on a THRONE as a CROWN lowers itself through the air towards him. However just as it lands, the DRONE MOTOR on the CROWN overheats and SETS FIRE TO DEV'S ENTIRE HEAD.

DEV PATEL

OW DAMMIT I SAY WHAT this does not bode well for me, I fear.

DISEMBODIED VOICE

(eerily)

And thus begins hack ack legend grkkk tale grg GRKKKKLL CHCHCGKKK CRTHSHGHKGKGKSH ACK FUCK CAN I GET A GLASS OF FUCKING WATER PLEASE

INT. WHOREHOUSE

Through the window we see a teaser for the DAVID LOWERY'S RE-INTERPRETED-MYTHOLOGY CINEMATIC UNIVERSE, but the trippy art-house rendition of the FALL OF TROY must wait for now as we rejoin DEV sleeping in after a night of debauchery with his girlfriend and whorehouse employee ALICIA VIKANDER.

DEV PATEL

Ah it's a good day to be Sir Gawain, Knight-Adjacent of the Ovoid Table, here in Llamamuch where the old myths aren't QUITE the cookie-cutter versions you're used to.

(grins)

ALICIA VIKANDER

I assume we're not shaking things up quiiiite enough for me to enjoy any kind of upward social mobility though?

DEV PATEL

Haha no, not unless you can magically transform into a whole new character, I guess! Ha ha ha

(belly-laughs)

ALICIA VIKANDER

Hold that thought.

(ducks into wardrobe trailer)

INT. LLAMAMUCH

TITLE CARD: "SIR GAWAIN AND THE SECRET SANTA THAT REALLY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO ABOUT KEEPING IT SIMPLE"

KING SEAN HARRIS, QUEEN KATE DICKIE and the KNIGHTS are having a rip-roaring party.

SEAN HARRIS

Actually I'm hella bored. Could one of you assholes please provide some goddamn entertainment before I keel over dead, thanks.

GIANT WOODEN RALPH INESON AKA THE GREEN KNIGHT

(arriving)

DID SOMEONE SAY ENTERTAINMENT, I BROUGHT MY LATEST EURO KICKSTARTER, IT ONLY TAKES 4-5 HOURS PER PLAYER AND I SWEAR IT GETS INTUITIVE AFTER THE FIRST TWO HOURS

KNIGHTS

(avoid eye contact)

RALPH INESON

OKAY OKAY, OR, I HAVE A FUN NEW CHRISTMAS GAME WHERE SOMEONE CHOPS OFF MY HEAD AND A YEAR LATER I GET TO CHOP OFF THEIR HEAD

KNIGHTS

(confused looks)

RALPH INESON

ALSO I BROUGHT CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY

DEV PATEL

UGH OKAY FINE I'll do the head-chopping one with you.

SEAN HARRIS

Technically I think the official rules are that whatever blow YOU land, he gets to do in return, so you could probably just give him a light tap on the shoulder and be totes fine-

But instead DEV uses EXCALIBUR to behead RALPH!

RALPH INESON

(picking up own severed head)

HAHA EXCELLENT, WELL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR FOR MY TURN, AND WHO KNOWS MAYBE THE EXPANSION PACKS WILL HAVE ARRIVED BY THEN

(mounts horse)

MEANWHILE YOU CAN KEEP MY OVERSIZED HEAVY AS FUCK AXE, IN CASE YOU WANT TO PRACTICE THROWING YOUR BACK OUT OR ANYTHING

(rides off)

EXT. LLAMAMUCH - ONE YEAR LATER

TITLE CARD: "SIR GAWAIN AND THE YEAR OF BEING DRAGGED ON SOCIAL MEDIA"

With the help of his mother SARITA CHOUDHURY, DEV prepares to head out on his quest of honour, because what kind of dishonourable spineless fuck would not travel for days to let a supernatural being chop their head off.

DEV PATEL

I still don't think it's quite fair, after all Ralph can function utterly fine with a severed head, and me, not so much. But 360 days of non-stop puppet shows illustrating what a colossal idiot I am have left me with no fucks left to give.

SARITA CHOUDHURY

Here's roughly ten tons of gear to help you on your journey to get murdered and not resist in any way. Most important of all is this sash! It's like enchanted and shit and will protect you from any harm. Basically you're invulnerable with this simple sash, and you probably don't need the ten tons of gear.

DEV PATEL

Thanks Mom. I don't suppose you used any spare magic to make all the gear super light and theft-proof?

SARITA CHOUDHURY

Don't be silly! I used my extra magic setting up this whole quest and shit to try and make you stop being such a fucking loser UM I MEAN MAKING THESE DELICIOUS SANDWICHES FOR THE ROAD OKAY BYYYEEEE

And so, DEV loads up with all the GEAR and sallies forth!

EXT. THE EXPANSIVE MYTHICAL BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE

TITLE CARD: "SIR GAWAIN AND THE OVERLY ELABORATE FONTS THAT MAKE THESE THINGS FUCKING HARD TO READ"

DEV slowly rides his horse leisurely down the path. We follow him just long enough to start worrying that the entire five-day journey will unfold in REAL TIME. Eventually, though, we start skipping ahead as DEV passes scenes of DEFORESTATION, heaps of DEAD BODIES lying around, rampant FLOODING, gigantic FOOTPRINTS made of PURE CARBON, you get the idea.

RANDOM MEDIEVAL PERSON

(approaching)

Hi there! You look like a man on a quest, with all that expensive gear and all.

DEV PATEL

Indeed! I seek the Green Chapel, where Ralph Ineson awaits. Apparently I forgot to ask where it was.

RANDOM MEDIEVAL PERSON

The Green Chapel? Why, I happen to know it's down that secluded forest path full of noise-cancelling dense trees and broken security cameras. Allow me to show you!

DEV follows the RANDO down the path and gets immediately MUGGED by a couple of GOOBERS like a PUNK.

OTHER MUGGER

Wow that was some pathetic shit. Lancelot, you're not.

RANDOM MEDIEVAL PERSON

(steps on Dev's shield, snapping it in half)

Are you even a real knight? Is this cosplay?

The muggers take DEV'S HORSE, the OVERSIZED AXE, and most importantly his MAGIC SASH, and leave him tied up on the forest floor. The camera slooowwwwly pans around in a circle, and when it returns DEV has turned into a SKELETON OH SHIT! But then we go around again and he's back to normal.

DEV PATEL

Oh fuck, was that a premonition of the future?! I guess giving up and lying here indefinitely was a BAD plan!

DEV struggles towards his remaining possessions, which includes his SWORD that he's able to cut himself free on!

DEV PATEL

Phew! Thank God I still have my sword. Those thieves may have taken most of my gear, but every knight knows it's essential to have a trusty sword!

(loses sword)

DEV continues his quest and by nightfall, finds a deserted HOUSE in the middle of the woods, always the very safest kind of house.

INT. ABANDONED HOUSE

TITLE CARD: "SIR GAWAIN AND THE FREAKY SHIT WE ADDED TO EXTEND THE STORY"

DEV settles in for the night but is awoken by GHOSTLY GINGER PERSON ERIN KELLYMAN (like, not just the regular ghostly that comes with gingerness, but ghostly ON TOP of that).

ERIN KELLYMAN

Hey before you get too comfy, your random road encounter is to get my severed head from the bottom of a nearby pond.

DEV PATEL

A24 Studios sure does like their severed heads, don't they. Um, well... what's in it for me?

ERIN KELLYMAN

Are you seriously trying to negotiate with a HEADLESS GHOST?! Most people would just want to make me happy and hope I don't drag them to Hell or something.

DEV PATEL

Fair point. I should help you because you were grievously wronged in life and deserve peace, not for the promise of a reward. Such behaviour would be unbecoming of a near-Knight of the Ovoid Table.

(retrieves head)

ERIN KELLYMAN

Thanks. As a token of my gratitude, here's Ralph's axe!

DEV PATEL

AW YEAH BABY, REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY FOR THE WIN, THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT YO

(victory dance)

ERIN KELLYMAN

Asshole.

(vanishes)

EXT. THE NEXT DAY - BACK ON THE QUEST

DEV continues his quest, making friends with a CGI FOX and going to STRANGE NEW LANDS and encountering HUGE GIANT PROMETHEUS ENGINEERS and almost finding a new home with ANCIENT KING SEAN CONNERY no wait that's TIME BANDITS. But at last, he finds himself at CASTLE EDGERTON, allowing us to link back to the original POEM.

INT. CASTLE EDGERTON

TITLE CARD: "SIR GAWAIN AND AN EXCHANGE OF... AH... SORRY THAT'S THE MOST FUCKING UNREADABLE FONT YET AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING. AN EXCHANGE OF.. VIEWINGS? MIMOSAS? WALMARTS? FUCK IT WE GIVE UP"

DEV is introduced to LORD JOEL EDGERTON'S family which includes a mysterious blindfolded woman and... ALICIA VIKANDER!

ALICIA VIKANDER

How nice to enter this movie for the first time as this brand new, high status, very well off character.

(smiles, winks to camera)

(checks script)

Wow, even my monologues are richer and more elaborate here. Noice.

JOEL EDGERTON

Please make yourself at home, Sir Dev. I offer you a deal! I'll give you whatever I catch on my daily hunts, if YOU give me whatever you find here at my castle. Or, you can take what's in Box Number Two.

DEV accepts the initial deal and spends the day with ALICIA.

ALICIA VIKANDER

And this is the library. Allow me to gift you this HEART-shaped book, wink wink wink.

(smiles)

I'd really like to capture your essence with my camera obscura, IF YA CATCH MY DRIFT.

(winks more)

Perhaps I can interest you in a new invincibility sash? It comes with a bonus side order of fucking IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND WHAT I MEAN IS WE SHOULD FUCK.

DEV PATEL

Er, just the sash please? It sure is lucky I found a whole other invincibility sash, what.

Later JOEL returns with the spoils from his hunt.

JOEL EDGERTON

Behold, a big dead animal. And what have you for me in exchange? Blue Jays tickets maybe? I hear they're good again.

DEV PATEL

Um... no tickets, no, but there was this drift I caught! So in accordance with our deal, that drift is now yours.

JOEL EDGERTON

I suspect that you and your sparkly new sash are holding out on me. Begone! I hope your quest sucks and that you suck at completing it! Hmph!

EXT. THE FOREST

DEV is rejoined by the CGI FOX for a while.

CGI FOX

Turn back Dev! Only certain death awaits you!

DEV PATEL

Yeah I know. And yes I can tell we're deconstructing the whole "code of honour" thing but we still need me to unlock the ending somehow.

DEV finds the CHAPEL which has SLEEPING RALPH INESON inside! He sits down and waits a few ENTIRE FUCKING DAYS for RALPH to wake up which finally HAPPENS.

RALPH INESON

AH GLAD TO SEE YOU DEV, NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAY "WHO WANTS TO BE A VALIANT-AIRE". YOUR FIRST QUESTION IS, WHO GOT DECAPITATED RIGHT HERE A FEW MOMENTS FROM NOW

DEV PATEL

(bounding up)

Nope sorry, fuck all this byyyyeee

DEV returns home and the story ACCELERATES into the FUTURE, as DEV becomes KING but SEX-WORKER ALICIA VIKANDER DIES, and eventually DEV'S HEAD just FALLS RIGHT THE FUCK OFF, and PETER FACINELLI is BEHEADED and DIES WHAT THE FUCK, and a whole bunch of WEREWOLVES and VAMPIRES DIE, and finally MICHAEL SHEEN DIES BUT HOLY SHIT ALL THAT WAS A FAKEOUT VISION OF THE FUTURE WE'RE RIGHT BACK BEFORE ALL THAT HAPPENED WHAAAAAAT?!?!??!!!!

DEV PATEL

Hm. Well that didn't end the movie, so I guess the only way to advance past this scene is to let you chop my head off. I hereby relinquish the Sash of Invincibility.

RALPH INESON

WELL DONE MY BRAVE KNIGHT. AND NOW...

(runs finger across Dev's throat)

DEV PATEL

Why would you just run your finger across my throat? I thought you were gonna murder me.

RALPH INESON

(puzzled)

NO IT'S A METAPHOR, I THINK WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH--wait are you trying to Drax your way out of this now?

END

INT. POST CREDITS SCENE -- YES OTHER STUDIOS CAN DO THIS TOO YOU KNOW -- BACK AT LLAMAMUCH

We see DEV'S FUTURE-VISION DAUGHTER playing on the floor with his CROWN.

DEV'S DAUGHTER

Woah, does this mean the head-falling-off scene really will happen? Or is the similarity of this tableau merely a coincidence? Guess you'll have to wait and see in ARTHVENGERS: AGE OF ILIAD MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA