FADE IN:

EXT. OKLAHOMA, HOME TO 4.02 MILLION - TORNADOES, THAT IS

Tornado hunter DAISY EDGAR-JONES hunts a tornado with her plucky crew!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Can't wait to launch DOROTHY V, which is surely a clue that Helen Hunt is my Mom, or that Bill Paxton is my Dad, or that either of them will be mentioned in any way this whole time!

ANTHONY RAMOS

Did we at least remember to fill it full of Pepsi cans? No?!? WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE

(throws cow)

Right fuck this, I'm going to observe from a safe distance because I'd like to be in the rest of the movie.

(storms off)

(storm becomes twister, lifts Anthony airborne)

(Anthony clutches to exposed pipe for remainder of scene)

DAMMMIIIIIIIIIT

Meanwhile the plucky crew spot a SPECIFIC TORNADO and drive towards it, pluckily!

DAISY'S BOYFRIEND

This is going great! What are you gonna do with all this data we're gathering?

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Well, some day, I'd love to star in my very own blockbuster about fighting Nature.

DAISY'S BOYFRIEND

Hm, but that would mean you'd need some kind of traumatic backstory...

(notices we didn't bother looking up his name)

...oh shit.

Suddenly the CUTE DUST CLOUD they're chasing swells into an EARTH-ANNIHILATING F300 TORNADO!!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Fuck! Did my prototype tornado-shrinking device backfire and make the tornado bigger?

DAISY'S BOYFRIEND

That would be kind of an interesting idea to pursue so let's not! Just run!

DAISY'S entire team gets PLUCKED SKYWARDS by the BIG EVIL TORNADO, GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO PLUCKY, HUH, sparing only her!

BIG BOSS TWISTER

MWAH HA HA I SURE HOPE THE ONE HUMAN I LET LIVE DOESN'T SOME DAY RETURN TO DEFEAT ME

BACKDRAFT

I'LL BE ROOTING FOR YOU DUDE BUT Y'KNOW HOW THESE THINGS GO

INT. NEW YORK OFFICE OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE - FIVE! VERY! SAD! YEARS! LATER!

DAISY now does boring dumb non-life-threatening soul-crushing office work in NEW YORK, a city well known for its total lack of EXCITEMENT and DANGER.

TOUR GUIDE

Remember, tour group, tornadoes NEVER happen in New York! Ha ha ha! I sure seem to be foreshadowing some kind of New York showdown but I guess we're saving that for TWIST3RS: TEMPESTS TAKE MANHATTAN.

Suddenly, ANTHONY appears! He and DAISY go to lunch.

ANTHONY RAMOS

I have awesome new military prototypes for analyzing twisters, but I need your help. Let me demonstrate by swirling this glass of water to make a tornado effect that will vanish the second I stop doing it, why the fuck did I even bother, while I place napkin containers around this now-still glass of water to represent whatever the fuck, one sec gotta swirl the water again, now this sugar dispenser symbolizes-

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

(gestures to stop)

I'm sorry but I Don't Do That Anymore because I have Put All That Behind Me when do we leave?

EXT. OKLAHOMA WHERE TORNADOES ARE THE STATE WEATHER CONDITION, STATE FLOWER, STATE DESSERT, YOU NAME IT

DAISY and ANTHONY arrive at the critical nexus point for the highest concentration of tornadoes in OKLAHOMA, also known as ALL OF OKLAHOMA.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Wow there sure are lots of amateur hunters here, I guess because there are more tornadoes than ever before! Wonder why that is, must be some kind of... meteorological... alteration... thingie??

ANTHONY RAMOS

Yeah it's like there's been some sort of, um, difference-making phenomenon, to the, ah, biosphere, or whatever....??? Anyone wanna chime in on this?

ENTIRE MOVIE

(shrugs)

ANTHONY RAMOS

Anyhoo let me introduce you to the team! We have shiny clean matching vehicles, shiny clean matching uniforms, and shiny clean round numbers to do math with.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Huh. Well it would be kind of a neat subversion if the good guys were well-financed this time around...

GLENN POWELL

(roaring up in rusted truck built from spare parts with random shit glued to every exposed surface)

HOWDY HOWDY IT'S ME AND MY RAMSHACKLE ROOTIN-TOOTIN PLAID-WEARIN' SCRUFFY-LOOKIN' JEANS-N-BEER QUIRKY-KOOKY TORNADO-HEADS!! WOO HOOO!

(herds nerfs)

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Fuck I signed up with the bad guy team, didn't I.

GLENN POWELL

Never mind these corporate suits darlin'! We don't use your fancy-schmancy corporate math, we use Real American Math where the area of a circle is R square-danced times APPLE pi! Yee-haw!

(handsomes, rogueishly)

HARRY HADDEN-PATON

(pratfalling into frame)

Oh I say what I'm the stammeringly useless British character, what, tea and crumpets, top ho what? I'm writing an article on Glenn so please, everyone feel free to throw exposition dumps my way whenever it's necessary, or even better, when it isn't. Tally ho, upper lip what!

(faceplants in cow shit)

OH DEAR I'M JUST SO VERY BRITISH

GLENN POWELL

So, which way you going, Daisy?

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Well as you know, technology and predictive data are cute and all, but the very BEST tornado hunters rely on their... intuition. Let me think...

(crams thousands of dollars of Anthony's specialized equipment down nearest toilet)

(flushes repeatedly)

Hmm.

(headshots half-dozen passing meteorologists)

(rolls corpses into ditch)

That's better. Hmmmm.

(tosses flower petals)

(stares at sky)

I think we shall go... East. Yep, East is definitely the way. I sure hope nobody competing with me chooses... East.

(takes two steps)

(sprints to Anthony's team)

C'MON GUYS WESTWARD HO EVERYBODY DRIVE WEST, WEST WEST WEEEEEEEST

(tires screech)

GLENN POWELL

Yeesh, didn't even give me a CHANCE to be fooled. C'mon gang!

Both teams DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE to catch the next TWISTER!

ANTHONY RAMOS

FUCK they cut us off, those assholes! Now we gotta cut THEM off!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Why are we competing anyway? We want to do experiments and they want to make wacky YouTube videos, they could make wacky videos of our experiments and we could all...

ANTHONY RAMOS

BECAUSE FUCK THEM THAT'S WHY, ALSO THEY PLAY LOUD MUSIC THAT CLASHES WITH OUR LOUD MUSIC and I think people generally like conflict in their action movies? Anyway we gotta get our slick tech gear into position!

Their team sets up a bunch of GEAR but when it comes to DAISY'S turn she LOSES HER NERVE and they BLOW THEIR CHANCE!

GLENN POWELL

Aha, victory is OURS!

(shoots a couple fireworks into twister)

...okay yes, my team's goals do seem a bit silly by comparison.

EXT. OKLAHOMA - THE NEXT DAY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS, AW YEAH IT'S TORNADO DAY

DAISY and GLENN confer at their regular spot by the diner so they can do the shtick again.

GLENN POWELL

Sooo...

(heavy sigh)

...which way are you gonna

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

HUH WHADDYA MEAN CHASE A TORNADO, WHAT'S A TORNADO I mean I'm... um, just going to, er, get us some more coffee, ah, right over... this way HEY EVERYBODY LET'S GO CHASE TORNADOES THIS WAY LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOO

(flees)

GLENN POWELL

Gotta remember, it's a twister movie, not a spy movie. C'mon gang!

Everyone DRIVE DRIVE DRIVES loudly down the highway but this time it's TWO TWISTERS, further justifying the TITLE!

ANTHONY RAMOS

Ohmigosh the twisters are splitting up! Each one is taking a convenient road, but WHICH WAY do we GO?!??!??

ANTHONY'S CORPORATE TEAMMATE

Well based on this detailed data from the equipment I managed to save from Daisy's earlier toilet rampage, we should go right. Here are 7000 terabytes of data that agree with me.

GLENN POWELL

WOO-HOO LET'S TAKE A RIGHT TURN GANG, OUR ALL-AMERICAN WAR-ON-TERABYTES DATA AGREES!

However DAISY spots a GUST OF WIND!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

No no no turn left! That gust of wind tells me go left!

ANTHONY RAMOS

...And none of our expensive specialized hi-tech wind-analyzing equipment registered that gust of wind because...?? Okay fine it's gotta be you, I know.

They TURN LEFT and sure enough GLENN'S stupid dumb twister EVAPORATES but DAISY'S is FOR REAL!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Aw yeah THIS time I've got my nerve back, let's set the fuck up out of some tech!

TWISTER

ANALYZE ME WILL YOU, WELL MAYBE I'LL FIND A SMALL TOWN TO RIP A NEW ASSHOLE OUT OF

(speeds away!)

The TWISTER does indeed DEMOLISH a town, but at least our heroes are close behind to help gather pieces of shattered belongings into larger piles of shattered belongings. While doing so DAISY spots GLENN'S CREW selling T-SHIRTS!!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Oh my God Glenn, you're just the shittiest piece of shit that ever shat shit! Eat my shit you shitty shitpile of shit!

QUIRKY DRONE OPERATOR SASHA LANE, WHO WAS ALSO ON AMAZON'S "UTOPIA" IF THAT HELPS ANYBODY WITH THE NAGGING FEELING THEY'VE SEEN HER BEFORE

Actually we're only doing this so we can afford to get SOUP for these STARVING ORPHANS and ABANDONED PETS.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Oh.

ANTHONY RAMOS

Hey Daisy, let me introduce the Texas caricature who's funding my whole operation, Mephist O. Latestagecapitalism. He takes people's destroyed land and tattered souls in exchange for cryptocurrency.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Oh.

(pause)

Oops.

GLENN POWELL

Apology accepted! C'mon let's go to a rodeo.

EXT. RODEO

DAISY and GLENN attend their first RODEO together even though it is NEITHER of their first rodeos, individually speaking.

GLENN POWELL

I like rodeos because bulls are like tornadoes, both forces of Nature. You ride them and ride them until you can't take it anymore. In that sense bulls and tornadoes are also like avalanches, tidal waves, and LOST.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Wasn't this the point in the first film where everyone went to an outdoor show only to have a giant twister sneak up on them-

TWISTER

(leaping out from behind fire hydrant)

MWAH HA HA YOU FUCKING KNOW IT

(twistifies)

The TWISTER wrecks the fuck out of the RODEO but luckily DAISY and several civilians are able to take shelter in the GIANT THIRST TRAP that is GLENN POWELL. They SURVIVE!

ASSORTED CIVILIANS

(emerging from Glenn Powell)

Phew! Lucky for us that is QUITE a deep and sturdily reinforced thirst trap.

EXT. DAISY'S FAMILY FARM - THE NEXT DAY

Needing time to reflect on all the devastation of the last few days, DAISY drives out to see her MOM who is HELEN HUNT JAMI GERTZ CARY ELWES MAURA TIERNEY!

MAURA TIERNEY

Yep, this would be Family Farm Time, we really are following the roadmap here.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Hey Mom. You haven't thrown away any of my long-abandoned science stuff right? I could use some good old-fashioned Reminiscing On My Past.

MAURA TIERNEY

I knew you wanted your own blockbuster someday, sweetie. It's all here.

DAISY is examining her old HOT WHEELS TWIST-O-MATIC PLAYSET when suddenly GLENN is there!

GLENN POWELL

Oh hey I tracked you down with, ah, wind gusts. Anyway I need your help with another raging storm that is in my pants.

(gets caught in rain, shirtclingingly)

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Well, I'm an independent adult with her own needs, so how 'bout we engage in some wild passionate DINNER WITH MY MOM haha, psyche.

After the meal GLENN convinces DAISY to revisit her old experiments in TORNADO-SLAYING. They field-test her gear but FAIL! As they hang their heads ANTHONY shows up.

ANTHONY RAMOS

I feel bad that I sold us out to near-literal Satan just to get better data. That data is irrevocably tainted by the suffering of innocents. Anyway here is that data.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

WOO-HOO AW YEAH SWEET SWEET UNETHICAL DATA

(analyzes)

Ah-ha, the problem is the tornadoes absorb too much water from the air, we need them to release more water for my tech to work.

GLENN POWELL

We can use silver iodide, like rainmakers use, hey presto, problem solved!

(pause)

Of course we had better explain this MULTIPLE times now that there are TWO whole steps to this plan. Silver iodide, then Daisy Dust. Where's the British guy?

HARRY HADDEN-PATON-SMYTHE-ST.JOHN-BIGGLESBOROUGH

WOT WOT I'M STILL EVER SO BRITISH WOT COR BLIMEY

(farts custard)

Look I do think you're being rather unfair, I have this whole Wesley-Wyndham-Price-style mini-arc where I gradually become less buffoonishly incompetent during the film and

(pukes fish fingers)

Oh fuck off.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

You want to be one of the heroes, you should learn a passable American accent like I did, Harry.

(winks to camera)

GLENN POWELL

Wait a corn-huskin' minute there darlin', are you meanin' to say that the hyphen' in' your name is in'dicatin'...

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

uh C'MON TEAM HOWDY HOWDY YEE-HAW IT'S TWISTERS TIME!!!!

The crew GEAR UP while EXPLAINING THE PLAN a few more times, DAISY dons her best TWIST RAIDER outfit and OFF WE GOOOOO!

EXT. THE TORNADO-RAVAGED PLAINS OF THE INCOMPREHENSIBLY-STILL-HABITED STATE OF OKLAHOMA

Everyone DRIVE DRIVE DRIVES to chase the BIG BOSS TORNADO!

ANTHONY RAMOS

I bet it's hiding somewhere in this huge lack of visibility!

(crashes)

Shit!

BIG BOSS TWISTER

MWAH HA HA I COULD DEVOUR YOU BUT THIS NEARBY OIL REFINERY IS JUST TOO APPETIZING

(noms)

HEY LOOK I'M BACKDRAFT NOW, CHECK OUT MY PRETTY SWIRLING FLAMES, OOOOOO

BACKDRAFT

HOW ABOUT WE ALL STAY IN OUR LANE DUDE

BIG BOSS TWISTER

OKAY FINE I'LL GO BACK TO BEING NOT ON FIRE

(pouts)

ANTHONY escapes, and now it's DAISY'S turn!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

But, oh no, the tornado's heading towards... a small town! They need our help!

GLENN POWELL

Doesn't that small town have alarms that will go off, alerting everyone? Don't they have police and first responders that will help with crowd control, damage mitigation, etcetera? Given the huge rise in tornado activity (for some mysterious unknowable reason), won't they have protocols in place and contingencies for exactly this situation?

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

NONE OF THAT WILL MATTER IF WE'RE NOT THERE TO SCREAM AT PEOPLE WHILE FLAILING OUR ARMS DAMMIT

DAISY, GLENN, ANTHONY, and the TEAM rush to the TOWN and do indeed manage to rescue GLENN from the danger they put themselves into, YAY!

GLENN POWELL

Argh, I'm injured... my thirst trap... compromised! Can't offer shelter!

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Quick! Everyone take cover in this movie theatre showing Frankenstein 1931, the way movie theatres in movies do!

ANTHONY RAMOS

(actual line)

This theatre isn't built to withstand what's coming!

(pause)

Fuck how is that not the literal tag line for this thing.

Indeed, the BIG BOSS TWISTER starts TWISTING THE EVER-LOVING FUCK out of the THEATRE! Our intrepid (NOT PLUCKY! DON'T GET PLUCKY ON ME NOW, SOLDIER) heroes CLING to various movie-theatre seats and railings as the FEROCIOUS WINDS rage at them!

GLENN POWELL

(buffeted, buffly)

First time I've ever been GLAD these things are so sticky...

But where's DAISY?!? Why, she's run to her TRUCK and is SINGLE-HANDEDLY headed towards the heart of BIG BOSS TWISTER!

DAISY THE TWISTER-SLAYER MAIN THEME

(plays)

BIG BOSS TWISTER

YOU CAN'T DEFEAT ME!! I SHALL TIP YOU OVER, THUSLY

(does so)

TREMBLE BEFORE MY POWER

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

C'mon, barrels full of twister-annhilating substances! Open!

BARRELS

Don't wanna.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

BARRELS

Okay.

(open)

And so BOTH STEPS of the plan HAPPEN, and just at the ABSOLUTE VERY LAST POSSIBLE SECOND, the BIG BOSS TWISTER... EVAPORATES!

BIG BOSS TWISTER

(dissipating)

NOOOOOO I ALMOST HAD SASHA LANE, ALSO KNOWN AS HUNTER C-20 FROM LOKIIIII

(vanishes)

ANTHONY RAMOS

Oh thank goodness, I was down to one finger attached by a single strand of buttery petroleum byproduct! We're saved! Hurray!

EXT. AIRPORT

The next day DAISY is seen off at the AIRPORT by GLENN and ANTHONY.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

I gotta say it's nice to have my very own Edward and Jacob, or perhaps Peta and random Hemsworth? But I must get back to horrible bland dull New York.

ANTHONY RAMOS

I understand. And of course the headmaster told everyone that a random gas leak killed the Big Boss twister, so don't worry, your identity as the Slayer is safe.

GLENN POWELL

It's too bad that, bizarrely enough, nobody can know the truth, even as tornadoes continue to roam evilly throughout the land. I can't help but feel this isn't right.

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

(actual line)

Well maybe if you FEEL it... you should CHASE it.

(pause)

Like maybe you should CHASE AFTER what you WANT even if what, or WHO, you WANT is currently MOVING AWAY then perhaps you should PURSUE by MOVING AT A FASTER RATE DO YOU FUCKING GET WHAT I AM SAYING YET sweet jesus

(leaves)

GLENN POWELL

(thinks)

(thinks)

(thinks)

OH.

(runs into airport)

Daisy wait!! Don't get on that plane! I've rushed in here so I can dramatically, um... look at you... and stuff?

DAISY EDGAR-JONES

Oh good, you've finally realized we have... non-platonic neural reactions or whatever... that we should, er, demonstrate with tactile application of our ingestion orifices or... whatnot? Anyone wanna chime in on this?

ENTIRE MOVIE

(shrugs)

END