FADE IN:

INT. TV STUDIO - THE GROOVY SWINGING RETRO-FUTURISTIC ALTERNATE-HISTORY 1960S BABY!

A hip far-out TV STUDIO AUDIENCE watches as host MARK GATISS takes the stage.

MARK GATISS

Welcome everyone, today we have the latest MCU adventure--

AUDIENCE

(shifts in seats, eyes exits)

MARK GATISS

--um HAPPENING TOTALLY IN ITS OWN ALTERNATE DIMENSION NO PREVIOUS CONTINUITY REFERENCED!!

AUDIENCE

(brightens, settles in, grabs popcorn)

MARK GATISS

(sigh of relief)

Yes, it's time to meet... the Fantastic Four! Now it's true we've all suffered through some godawful FF movies and many thought the whole IP was dead. But we're trying a fresh colourful take, skipping the origin story and picking things up mid-stream sort of like you wandered into a comic shop and bought the latest issue! Let's see you try that, DC!

JAMES GUNN

(winks)

We get a NEWSREEL FLASHBACK of our heroes flying into space and encountering COSMIC RADIATION that transforms IOAN GRUFFUDD, JESSICA ALBA, CHRIS EVANS, and MICHAEL CHIKLIS into PEDRO PASCAL, VANESSA KIRBY, JOSEPH QUINN, and EBON MOSS-BACHRACH.

MARK GATISS

And here's a fun montage of them all using their powers to defeat zany villains, exactly the kind of gleeful action you'll be wishing existed anywhere else in this movie. But now for a long sequence of their everyday domestic life and no wait, don't put down the popcorn, it picks up steam later I promise!

INT. BAXTER BUILDING

One quiet night PEDRO is searching all the cupboards and drawers for IODINE while REFUSING to use his STRETCHY POWERS.

PEDRO PASCAL

Look Feige says we're on a tight budget these days, I have a hard limit on the number of stretch effects so I'm not doing it every scene.

VANESSA KIRBY

(walking in)

Here's the iodine dear, as in I A-DONE GOT KNOCKED UP YO! We're totally preggers!

PEDRO PASCAL

Huzzah! Oh shit this means baby-proofing the house. Don't worry, I won't rest until I've ordered our robot HERBIE to do all the baby-proofing of the house. HERBIE, baby-proof the house! Phew that was exhausting.

HERBIE leaps into action while spouting nonsense phrases that people don't directly answer, implying it is just literally nonsense and PEDRO sucks at building robots.

JOSEPH QUINN

Dammit HERBIE, I keep setting off your smoke detectors with my flame that doesn't seem to produce either smoke or heat!

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

Dammit HERBIE, this baby gate made me fall down the stairs because it's made of adamantium or something! I need to calm down with some cooking, I'm super into cooking now because that means we can recycle some leftover audio from The Bear and I can go take a nap.

INT. BAXTER BUILDING - THE NEXT DAY

PEDRO is doing science shit in the lab when JOSEPH interrupts.

JOSEPH QUINN

I wanted to talk about going back to space because it went so well last time? And to remind you we need new suits. Not for going back to space, but because the MCU demands at least one suit upgrade per film, even first films.

PEDRO PASCAL

Sorry, I've been busy building a teleportation machine, a project that has NEVER been attempted in ANY Fant4stic film NOPE NOT EVEN ONCE. I was about to test it on this egg, and you KNOW we're in a bizarre alternate universe if eggs are cheap enough to experiment on, heyooooo

(throws switch)

JOSEPH QUINN

Cool it worked! But maybe we should, like, open the egg to make sure you didn't hard-boil it or splice it with fly DNA or something.

PEDRO PASCAL

Fuck that, it still looks like an egg, who cares? I mean sure, if we ever want to teleport something IMPORTANT, and we wind up doing the egg test AGAIN, maybe at THAT point we'll check.

(looks at camera, frowns, shakes head)

But now to conclude another project! I used my super-brain and advanced tech to gather all information about every bad-guy gang in the city and send it to the police, thus taking down all organized crime instantly.

JOSEPH QUINN

And the reason you haven't done this before now was...

PEDRO PASCAL

What? That was OTHER people's babies in danger. Maybe you need to go read the Reed Richards wiki again.

Suddenly everyone's WRIST ALARMS go off, so they rush outside to see a HUGE CONFLAGRATION IN THE SKY and EVERYONE PANICKING and EVERY NEWS CHANNEL ON EARTH BROADCASTING IT, lucky thing they had WRIST ALARMS! But yes, all the chaos announces the arrival of JULIA GARNER, the new SILVER SURFER!

JULIA SILVER-GARNER

(hovering ominously)

Attention Earth! I've chosen your planet to join a limited exclusive Diners' Club, it's very high-end, very VIP. There's only one Diner, his name is Galactus and he eats your entire planet.

JOSEPH QUINN

Wow, she had me in the first half, not gonna lie. Didn't expect the SECOND half of the message would so drastically switch from warm fuzzies to PURE EVIL, but then again that was just the joke abridged script version not meant to be taken in any way seriously

(glares at James Gunn)

JULIA SILVER-GARNER

Anyhoo, y'all are fucked and there's no way out of this, even though I found a way out of this. Bid farewell to your loved ones, say what remains unsaid, and don't bother unsubscribing from all those spam emails I guess. GUI DUCH SORZB, byyyyeeeeeeee

(hangs ten while carving mental frontside cutbacks into deep space)

EXT. DEEP SPACE

PEDRO tracks JULIA'S energy signature to DEEP SPACE, so the PASCALABLES pile into their ROCKET SHIP, plug it into an FTL CHARGER/HOTSPOT, and zoom light-years away to a new PLANET, just in time to see it get KABLOOIED by the GIANT FLYING CIGAR of GALACTUS!

VANESSA KIRBY

Shit, didn't Julia just get here? Glad we got a longer warning period than those chumps.

JULIA SILVER-GARNER

(phasing into ship)

Greetings, Kirby Space Program. You have been granted an exclusive VIP audience with my master, Ralph "Galactus" Ineson, follow me.

Their ship is brought onboard, and our heroes soon find themselves FACE-TO-BIG-TOE with RALPH ENORMOUSON!

RALPH ENORMOUSON

BEHOLD MY FORM PUNY MORTALS. AHEM, ahem. So here's the thing...

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

(grins, waves to camera)

RALPH ENORMOUSON

...I know every new parent is always "MY baby is the MOST special and the MOST amazing and the BEST baby EVER" which, BARFFFFF, but this time it's true. Your baby has the Power Cosmic and can absorb my endless curse. Give him to me and I'll spare the Earth, oh also no Fat Bastard jokes or the deal's off.

PEDRO PASCAL

But that's impossible! How are you supposed to raise our baby, change his tiny diaper with your gigantic hands?!? You'd throw a baseball halfway around the world, how's he supposed to play catch with you?!? WE REFUSE, C'MON GANG!

JOSEPH makes shit EXPLODE and everyone goes into the FANTASTI-SHIP and also LABOUR, well that last one is just VANESSA. They zoom into space but JULIA follows them!

PEDRO PASCAL

Ebon I have an idea, fly towards that black hole!

(turns)

Next, I need Vanessa to turn the ship invisible for 30 seconds during labour, can you do that hon? My entire plan kind of hinges on this so maybe I should have checked with you before committing to it.

VANESSA KIRBY

(contracting)

OW OW no I understand, I read your wiki.

(invisibilizes ship)

PEDRO PASCAL

Now we can jettison from the FTL drive and Anna will chase it into the black hole!

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

Don't we kind of need the FTL drive to get home before we all die of old age?

PEDRO PASCAL

No it's fine, we can slingshot, the space maneuver everyone's heard of but few understand, it can mean anything we want! Here goes!

JULIA SILVER-GARNER

(chasing)

Must mindlessly chase baby into very heart of black hole even if we are both squooshed into a singularity!

(squints)

Hm the main ship disappeared, but so what! They probably stashed the baby on the visible part as it's getting crushed and y'know maybe I shouuuuld tuuuuurn aaaaarouuuuund, ohhhh youuuuuu aaaaaasssshooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(months later)

oooles

EXT. PRESS CONFERENCE - BACK ON GOOD OL' EARTH

The FF+1 land and are ushered to a PRESS CONFERENCE by SARAH NILES, the family's HEAD OF BLACK SPEAKING ROLES who runs a department of HER.

SARAH NILES

So I assume everything went A-OK perfect, quick tell the whole world all about it!

PEDRO PASCAL

Um, yeah. So it didn't go exactly great. Galactiralph demanded our baby in exchange for Earth's safety plus 50% tariffs on vibranium, so we ran away.

REPORTER

And then you devised a plan to intercept and destroy his planet-eating ship before it gets here, right? Because it's the ship that destroys the planets, right? I know you said "conventional weapons would do nothing" but since UNconventional inventions is kind of your whole deal I'd have thought that

PEDRO PASCAL

OUR PLAN WAS TO COME HOME AND SULK OKAY, PRESS CONFERENCE OVER

INT. BAXTER BUILDING - THAT NIGHT

The scientist, siblings, and rock monster gather for a BRAIN/STORM/THING SESSION.

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

Everyone's angry with us now, even Natasha Lyonne although I think that's more about screen time. But all these other people seem to think the planet-destroying megalomaniac is negotiating in good faith, which, ooookay....

PEDRO PASCAL

All this hinges on our baby's alleged powers, but I've done a bajillion tests with no results. If only he could just tell us who he really is!

(to baby)

It's okay Franklin if you're really an Asgardian or an Infinity Stone or even (gag, retch) an Eternal, you could even tell us you're really a girl

(directly to camera)

and I would SUPPORT and ACCEPT YOU because I am a GOOD and LOVING PARENT, EAT SHIT TERFS.

(in character)

But to address the 200-storey elephant in the room, I'm out of ideas.

At that moment VANESSA chooses to go outside and speak directly to a crowd of angry protesters, how brave and vulnerable!

VANESSA KIRBY

(aside)

Obviously I've force-fielded myself, I'm no idiot.

(to crowd)

Please understand, I can't just sacrifice my baby. I would MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH to save him! I would even watch ACROSS THE UNIVERSE again! I would TELL A PORT-ishead fan the same thing if any were here! Though I should check, any Beth-heads in the house? You see in this universe we also invented trip-hop 30 years earlier, and-

PEDRO PASCAL

(light bulb)

That's it! We can use the TELEPORTER! We can simply transport-

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

Galactiralph?

PEDRO PASCAL

-the ENTIRE EARTH to a new part of the Galaxy! It will take engineering on a MASSIVE scale but if ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE co-operates...

JOSEPH QUINN

Why not just teleport Galactiralph.

PEDRO PASCAL

(beaming)

You solved it Vanessa! I'll make sure we move Earth to a habitable zone, of course if we're even slightly nearer or further from our new Sun, or facing the wrong way or on the wrong axis, it will completely fuck with all seasons and climate around the world and annihilate the global economy but NEVER MIND this is brilliant yay!

(rushes to lab)

VANESSA KIRBY

Give him time, he'll get there.

JOSEPH QUINN

Oh, also! When we were on Galactiralph's ship, Julia told me that "GUI DUCH SORZB" means "DIE WITH YOURS". So now I know "I" is "E" and "B" is "S", with that and the other letters I should be able to decode her entire alien language by tomorrow morning. Who said linguistics is hard?

EXT. NEW YORK - ONE MASSIVE PLANETWIDE MULTI-TELEPORT-PLATFORM CONSTRUCTION PROJECT LATER

With PEDRO'S big stupid plan only TWENTY SECONDS from fruition, suddenly JULIA arrives and SMASHES all but one teleporter, the one in (gasp) TIMES SQUARE!

PEDRO PASCAL

(blinks)

I guess we should just teleport Galactiralph then.

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

THERE he is! First we gotta deal with Julia aka Planet Break though, any thoughts?

JOSEPH QUINN

I got this! Remember we've been gathering signals in Julia's language? Well as promised I've cracked the code, and also linked up all the giant 1960s TV screens in Times Square to become oscillascopes somehow, anyhoo here I gooooo

JOSEPH intercepts JULIA and starts replaying the SIGNALS!

JULIA SILVER-GARNER

Aw that's sweet, thankful messages from my home planet that I saved! ...but more distressingly, screams of agony from planets I marked for death! AAAAARRGHH why was the first half of the message so wholesome and the SECOND half so EVIL AAAAAAAAAAAAA

(flees)

JOSEPH QUINN

(winks at James Gunn)

JAMES GUNN

(winks back)

PEDRO PASCAL

Phew! New plan, we use Franklin as bait, and assume Galactiralph is somehow aware we've accepted the deal. Then right before he grabs the baby, Joseph fire-blasts his face and I swap out the carrier, and we hope Galactiralph believes the deal is still on even though we just fire-blasted his face.

JOSEPH QUINN

Then we open the teleportal and assume he just walks into it! Perfect!

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

So, apparently it's my job to realize that when we lure Galactiralph into the city centre, he will crush a fuckton of buildings. Do we have any idea what to do with all the people living there?

VANESSA KIRBY

Ooh, ooh, I know! We can ask the ruler of a hidden subsurface realm, who's totes in love with me, to help us out. And if I DID have to go to extreme measures to persuade his toned, firm, glistening, Speedo-clad body, well then that's just the price I would nobly pay in order to-

PAUL WALTER HAUSER

(interrupting)

Ah if you recall we're not allowed to reference ANY existing continuity and Namor already appeared in Black Panther 2, so tonight the role of "Sue's Side Piece" will be played by me, "Richard Jewell" himself, aka the Mole Man!

(strikes pose)

VANESSA KIRBY

Oh.

(muttering)

well this is some goddamn bullshit

PEDRO PASCAL

(sigh of relief)

(thinks)

This is great though, everyone can take shelter underground! Because the BEST place to be when a million-ton giant is stomping a city into paste, is directly beneath it!

Everyone GETS READY and then GALACTIRALPH ARRIVES!! He shoots a DIRTY LOOK at the STATUE OF LIBERTY, picks his nose with the GUGGENHEIM, and then stomps towards TIMES SQUARE. Our heroes do the FACE-BLAST BABY-SWITCHEROO but RALPH activates his EYE GUARDS allowing him to SEE THROUGH the ruse!

RALPH ENORMOUSON

Oh hey Franky's gone. And since my top gear seems to be "leisurely stroll" I assume you put him on a jet or rocket-car...

(scans)

...OR sitting on a conveniently high floor of your OWN BUILDING just a few blocks away! Thanks guys, really.

(ambles down street)

JOSEPH attempts to give RALPH a SKIN IRRITATION, EBON bravely GETS THROWN INTO THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE, and VANESSA craftily CRASHES INTO A BUILDING but none of it works!

VANESSA KIRBY

(in smoldering wreck of Fantasti-and-Furiosi-car)

But... the power of family... I really thought...

(passes out)

JOSEPH flies off to save EBON and RALPH grabs hold of PEDRO!!

RALPH ENORMOUSON

So, Mr. Pascal, your power is extending yourself, is it? Enough to be in a blockbuster movie franchise AND the current leading HBO drama?

(stretches Pedro thinner)

PEDDDROO PAASCAAAL

(gasping)

Sure... no... problem...

RALPH ENORMOUSON

AND Gladiator 2, and the new Ari Aster, and whatever "The Materialists" is... AND we have the Mandalorian movie on the way...

(stretches Pedro even thinner)

PEDDDROOOOOO PAAAAAAAAASSSSCAAAAAL

...OWWWWW OKAY MAYBE IT'S A BIT MUCH

PEDRO'S costume begins to tear, implying it's not so much unstable molecules as HYPER-LYCRA, when who should return BUT-

JOSEPH QUINN

Say the line Ebon! Yes Pedro's seconds away from a horrible gruesome death but SAY THE LINE!!

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

grumble okay fine OPEN FRONT OF HOUSE, COUSIN!!!!

EBON gives GALACTIRALPH a teeny tiny tap which at least FREES PEDRO! But GALACTIRALPH grabs the baby and turns to leave!

PEDRO PASCAL

(recovering)

Now what?!? Dammit if only we existed in one of the other multiverses with the technology to shrink Galactiralph down to ass-kicking size, which mind you is ALL OF THEM. I swear that asshole really lucked out to be in the only universe without some version of Hank Pym in it.

VANESSA KIRBY

(regaining consciousness)

Okay enough fucking around, I'm gonna create a force-field bubble in Galactiralph's brain and expand it until his head pops. Or maybe a perforated heart would be more fun.

KEVIN FEIGE

(frantically making "cut" gesture while pointing to "PG" sign)

VANESSA KIRBY

I mean, I will force-push him into the teleportal, thusly!

(strains)

With a SUPREME RETRO-PRACTICAL-GRAPHICS EFFORT, VANESSA shoves RALPH into the portal while PEDRO grabs the baby in the NICK OF TIME! But she COLLAPSES and is maybe DEADSVILLE, oh noes!

RALPH ENORMOUSON

ARGH PLUS I HAVE STRAINED AGAINST THE EMPTY VACUUM OF SPACE AND AM RETURNING THROUGH THE PORTAAALLL

JOSEPH QUINN

As the one flying member of the group, it falls to me to deliver the final push, though it will mean my doom!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(peeks into frame)

JOSEPH QUINN

NOT THAT DOOM, NOT QUITE YET. Anyway here I go, sacrificing myself even though I'M not the one with lots of ATONING to do HINT HINT HINT

And sure enough JULIA takes the hint and SWOOPS IN, shoving JOSEPH aside and SLAMMING RALPH THROUGH THE PORTAL AND HERSELF WITH IT! The portal CLOSES and EARTH is saved... but at WHAT COST?!?!?!?????

PEDRO PASCAL

(sobbing)

You can't be dead Vanessa! You've been announced for Doomsday and Secret Wars! Oh if only one of us had undefined massive cosmic powers...

BABY

(cosmi-burps)

VANESSA KIRBY

(revived!)

wheEEEEELP I'm alive again yay! Nobody was too concerned though, right?

EBON MOSS-BACHROCK

....not really no.

Everyone goes to celebrate on the MARK GATISS SHOW but they're called away to a DIRE EMERGENCY, which they fuck up by arguing over a CAR SEAT and not arriving until everyone's already dead.

END

INT. MID-CREDITS SCENE - FOUR YEARS LATER, HEY WE JUST SKIPPED RIGHT OVER FRANKLIN'S FIRST STEPS, WHAT THE HELL, I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT

VANESSA is reading books with TODDLER FRANKLIN when they are interrupted BY--

ROBERT DOOMY JR.

BWAH HA HA at last it's me!! Tremble with fear at the onset of... the KANG DYNASTY oops I mean DOOMSDAY, that I shall unleash on MAY oops I mean DECEMBER 2026, MAYBE, prepare to be VANQUISHED by...

(handed rewrites)

...nope, scratch that, apparently we're now FIVE travelling luchadors in search of the true meaning of Christmas. Hoo boy.

END