The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY
Professional PARAPSYCHOLOGISTS DAN AYKROYD and HAROLD RAMIS study the supernatural with BILL MURRAY as their ASSIS-
BILL MURRAY
Woah, woah! I’m not their assistant! I’ve got degrees in psychology and parapsychology, despite never showing interest in any of those things.
DAN AYKROYD
Say Bill, since this movie is at least partly horror, do you think we should start on a creepy note?
BILL MURRAY
No problem! I’ll start by hitting on a student decades younger than me.
DAN AYKROYD
No! That’s not what I meant, you-
HAROLD RAMIS
Guys! The university is shutting our department down!
DAN AYKROYD
Who cares? We just found empirical evidence of ghosts this afternoon. Let’s use that to win back our jobs and every Nobel Prize ever.
BILL MURRAY
Hmmm, we could do that...OR we could open up our own ghost removal business!
DAN AYKROYD
What? We’ve only found one solid example of ghosts in all our careers, and now you want to risk everything catching them for a living? That’s insa-
INT. FIREHOUSE
The TRIO have started their own GHOSTBUSTING business.
DAN AYKROYD
DAMMIT!
HAROLD RAMIS
Hmph. This building is completely inadequate for our power needs. Try to remember that when you realize that our ghost containment unit only has one power source.
The GHOSTBUSTERS get their first customer, SIGOURNEY WEAVER.
DAN AYKROYD
Okay Bill. Our business is struggling. And this is the first customer we’ve EVER had. DO NOT screw this up.
BILL MURRAY
No problem.
(turns to Sigourney)
Wanna fuck?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
No!
BILL MURRAY
Wanna fuck?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
No!
BILL MURRAY
How 'bout now?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
No! I want you to investigate this ghost that’s been haunting my refrigerator. You spent all your money on a chance to bust ghosts, and here it is! Right here!
BILL MURRAY
Aw, I don’t believe that for a second. Wanna fuck?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
(sighing)
Okay. Try looking at this from another perspective. I'm clearly distressed about this haunting. If you at least played along I'd be grateful, and maybe MAYBE you could work your way up to a date or-
BILL MURRAY
Wanna fuck?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER kicks BILL MURRAY out of her apartment.
BILL MURRAY
Hrmph. Women.
DAN AYKROYD
Why the hell did you tell her there wasn’t any ghost!?
BILL MURRAY
Because I got into this job for the money. If we started getting assignments it might lead to distractions like payche-
(realization hits)
Ooooooh.
INT. FANCY HOTEL
The GHOSTBUSTERS have finally been hired to bust something!
DAN AKYROYD
We're almost bankrupt, so let's please please please not screw this up!
(glares)
Of course, we'd have a lot more money if SOMEONE hadn't bought like half a dozen arcade machines for the firehouse.
BILL MURRAY
Sorry. I though our paranormal extermination agency could maybe double as a Chuck E Cheese's.
HAROLD RAMIS
I just remembered we’ve never done a proper safety test of this equipment.
BILL MURRAY
(beat)
Okay why? I can see me cutting a few corners, but you two live for trying out stuff like this.
HAROLD RAMIS
I also forgot to mention we should never cross the streams, we don’t know how to aim our weapons, and I can’t remember how to use my legs! HELP!
(stumbles headfirst into wedding cake)
BILL MURRAY
I'm beginning to doubt your status as "the smart one".
DAN AYKROYD
What happens if we do cross the streams?
HAROLD RAMIS
We blow up the planet and kill billions of innocent people.
BILL MURRAY
Holy shit, you couldn't have told us about this a little earlier? We're risking becoming the greatest mass murderers in history!
(beat)
I mean, uh, nonchalant quip.
The GHOSTBUSTERS wander around, break shit, wander around some more, break shit some more, and finally, BUST a GHOST.
BILL MURRAY
Ghost busted! Now, what amount do we charge?
DAN AYKROYD
Wasn’t this whole moneymaking scheme your idea? Did your endlessly greedy mind never put any thought into how much money you could charge?
HAROLD RAMIS
Oh just bully the snobby hotel manager into paying you an exorbitant amount.
HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, just you wait. One day they'll be a movie with a hotel manager or maître d who's humble and not stuck-up, THEN you loveable cutups will feel sorry for picking on him!
EXT. ALL OVER NEW YORK
The GHOSTBUSTERS become a runaway success and NATIONAL CELEBRTIES! CIVILIZATION collaspes as concrete proof of the paranormal appears! Every MAJOR RELIGION is thrown into CHOAS and BLOODY SCHISMS from solid evidence of GHOSTS! ANGRY RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS asassinate the GHOSTBUSTERS! CONGRESS, NATO and the UNITED NATIONS send troops into NEW YORK to deal with the UNDEAD INVASION! DAN dreams of SPECTRAL BLOWJOBS!
INT. SIGOURNEY WEAVER’S APARTMENT BUILDING
RICK MORANIS
Hey there! Did someone order an obligatory ’80s comedy nerd?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Oh God. Go away Rick.
RICK MORANIS
I just remembered that this ’80s comedy almost DIDN’T have a socially inept white male in thick glasses desperately reaching for female contact! Lucky I came in just in time, eh?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
(mentally revising her shopping list.)
Yeah. Uh huh. Okay.
RICK MORANIS
You’re bored now. But when I turn into a dog and remain petrified for the entire climax you’ll be glad you got this insight into my character.
INT. FIREHOUSE
The GHOSTBUSTERS are drowning in work.
DAN AYKROYD
Business is boomin’ now that hauntings are up 4000%!
(beat)
Huh. Should we, maybe, be worried about that?
HAROLD RAMIS
Who cares? Press coverage!
(slides down mountain of magazine covers)
BILL MURRAY
Lucky for us we’ve got this receptionist, Annie Potts.
ANNIE POTTS
Yeah, it have made sense to hire me NOW and not when you were broke and sliding towards bankruptcy.
BILL MURRAY
Shut up you disgusting cow! Let me make fun of your poverty, your overlong hours and your inability to find any satisfying work.
ANNIE POTTS
WOW, you really are a smug bully. I can’t believe people see you as an underdog and not a-
BILL MURRAY
(deadpan one-liner)
ANNIE POTTS
You are the greatest person of all time. Of all time!
DAN AYKROYD
But seriously guys, with all this extra work, we should hire a fourth Ghostbuster.
HAROLD RAMIS
Excellent, then we could have FOUR people aiming proton streams instead of three! Then we’ll have more chance of crossing the streams and blowing everything up!
ANNIE POTTS
But wait, hiring an extra Ghostbuster is not going to reduce your workload if you all go on the same missions! Wouldn’t it better if you just used two or three Ghostbusters per case-
BILL MURRAY
(deadpan one-liner)
ANNIE POTTS
Yes master.
ANNIE interviews EDDIE MURPHY. WAIT, WE CAN'T GET EDDIE MURPHY? UH, WHO CAN WE PENCIL IN AT THE LAST MINUTE? ERNIE HUDSON for the vacant position.
ANNIE POTTS
Do you believe in UFOs, astral projection, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trans-mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
ERNIE HUDSON
If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
(beat)
Wait. This is the Fox News anchorman position, isn’t it?
ANNIE POTTS
No this is a paranormal extermination agency.
ERNIE HUDSON
Okay. Slightly more fact-based, count me in.
BILL MURRAY
He's hired! Dan and Harold nearly killed me on our first outing, so I have no problem giving a proton pack to someone I've known for less than five seconds!
ERNIE HUDSON
Thanks guys. I can't wait to see all the funny lines I get.
EVERYONE
(awkward silence)
BILL MURRAY
Um...yeah...we've got a whole character arc worked out for you.
HAROLD RAMIS
Guys this is all well and good but we're more than halfway through the movie. It's time we become familiar with our main antagonist.
DAN AYKROYD
(scratching chin)
Hmmm...we're professional ghost hunters...so we see a lot of horrifying shit every day...so our main bad guy should be this terrifying, badass, demonic ghost from the pits of...
BILL MURRAY
Well fuck you because it's this pencil-pushing government employee.
WILLIAM ATHERTON DICKLESS
Bwahaha! I'm bureaucrat who's also a huge asshole! Just like EVERY BUREAUCRAT IN EVERY MOVIE EVER! Just like how every maître d is stuck up!
BILL MURRAY
I mean there's a demon god at the end, but for all intents and purposes this guy is our main opponent.
DICKLESS
(foaming at the mouth)
Regulations! Protocols!
BILL MURRAY
What do you want?
DICKLESS
I'm representing the Environmental Protection Agency and-
BILL MURRAY
Wait, the first government agency to investigate us is the fucking EPA? I thought we'd get our first visit from the police or the Department of Homeland Security or someone whose fucking job is to first protect us from unknown threats.
DICKLESS
AS I WAS SAYING, we're here to make sure you're not a danger to the public.
HAROLD RAMIS
That's an outrage! We're a bunch of loveable cutups!
DICKLESS
Didn't you nearly blow up the planet in the first act?
HAROLD RAMIS
Withdrawn.
DICKLESS
Anyway, we're here to make sure you don't harm anyone by...
(flips through lists of excuses)
Owning toxic chemicals! I don't know why we'd think you'd have large quantities of lethal chemicals. Presumably if you bought them we could find the receipts. But it doesn't matter! I don't need an excuse to be evil!
BILL MURRAY
Aw shove your credentials up your ass! Get out of here!
DICKLESS
I'll be back with a court order!
(leaves)
DAN AYKROYD
Guys, should we...I don't know. Hire a lawyer of something? Prepare for when he inevitably comes back?
BILL MURRAY
(beat)
Nah.
INT. SIGOURNEY WEAVER’S APARTMENT BUILDING
RICK MORANIS is hosting a party.
RICK MORANIS
Hey, everyone! I know you're all just super invested in what I doing! So I'm just going to have this scene where I ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on but don't worry! I make sure that this party doesn't contribute to the plot or the character development in any way! I mean, I know we just introduced a fourth Ghostbuster but who wants to spend time with him! Why show his personality or character journey or even him actually getting to bust a motherfucking ghost. I know you'd rather hear me talk about my medication and my romantic problems with Sigourney Weaver! Do you think I might have a shot with her? I know I'm up against Bill Murray's charismatic main protagonist self but I think I might have a chance! It's gonna be tense guys!
(beat)
Am I talking too much?
RICK is chased out of his APARTMENT and savagely mauled by a DEMONIC DOG. Somehow this also feels too long. BILL MURRAY arrives at SIGOURNEY'S APARTMENT.
BILL MURRAY
Sigourney! I've somehow convinced you to date me! Let's go!
POSSESSED SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Too bad! I'm possessed by ultimate evil! Let's fuck!
BILL MURRAY
Hmm. While it's standard procedure for comedies like this to use these scenarios to get their loveable schlub laid, we're going to break tradition a bit and have me realise this counts as rape.
POSSESSED SIGOURNEY WEAVER
CURSE YOU! RAAARGH!!!
BILL MURRAY
Woah. I'd better inject you with 300 cc's of thorozine.
(beat)
Wait, why'd I bring heavy anti-schizophrenia meds on a date?
POSSESSED SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Puts all the ghosts and stuff under a new light, huh?
INT. FIREHOUSE
The POLICE arrive escorting...
RICK MORANIS (POSSESSED)
HEY GUYS IT'S ME AGAIN AND I'M STILL TALKING ONLY NOW I'M POSSESED!
HAROLD RAMIS
OH GODDAMITT YOU'RE STILL YAPPING.
ANNIE POTTS
Wait, why'd you bring him here?
POLICE OFFICIER
We found him wandering around. Since the NYPD has never ever dealt with someone rambling incoherently before, we're all scared out of our wits.
ANNIE POTTS
And you brought him here, instead of, say, a hospital. Great job guys. Is every meth addict in the city going to end up on our doorstep?
HAROLD RAMIS
Annie, I've just got off the phone with Bill. He's heading here instead of watching his clearly dangerous and out-of-her mind demonic girlfriend.
ANNIE POTTS
Great! Let's call up Dan and Ernie and have them come here as well! Why start delegating tasks now that we have the extra staff!
But WILLIAM ATHERTON DICKLESS shows up to FUCK UP EVERYTHING!
DICKLESS
BWAHAHAHA! YOU'RE ALL FUCKED! You're facing half a dozen charges-
HAROLD RAMIS
Wait, when did that happen? What are these charges? Shouldn't you telling us what these are, when are our court dates-
DICKLESS
And now I have authority to break into your home-
HAROLD RAMIS
Seriously, why is the EPA of all people on our case for firing deadly energy beams across New York? Aren't there a dozen other agencies that might raise an eyebrow at that?
DICKLESS
-so I can start pulling levers at random!
HAROLD RAMIS
What? You think our equipment is dangerous so you're just going mess around with it and see what happens?
DICKLESS
Yeah! Just imagine if Chernobyl had some guy haphazardly mashing his hand across a keyboard!
DICKLESS deactivates the CONTAINMENT UNIT unleashing dozens of GHOSTS across MANHATTAN.
DICKLESS
Yay! Completely motiveless evil!
HAROLD RAMIS
What have you done you idiot?
DICKLESS
What have I done? You built the device with an "Unleash all ghosts across New York" switch.
BILL MURRAY
Well, I guess there's nothing for it. We're gonna have to fight off an army of ghosts in a city under siege-
DICKLESS
Or you could just spend the next few scenes under custody.
(arrests Ghostbusters)
BILL MURRAY
Dick.
INT. CITY JAIL
DAN AYKROYD
Guys, it looks like these are the end times! Those ghosts Dickless unleashed are causing havoc and destruction everywhere!
ERNIE HUDSON
Really? It looks like they're mostly stealing hot dogs.
DAN AYKROYD
You try staging an apocalypse on this budget!
HAROLD RAMIS
It gets worse. Sigourney's apartment building was designed to summon a world-ending demigod named Gozer. Apparently the architect saw the internet's reaction to an all-female Ghostbusters and thought society was too sick to survive.
The GHOSTBUSTERS are hauled in front of the CITY MAYOR.
DICKLESS
Mr Mayor, these people are nothing but con artists! They use hallucinogenic gases to make you see whatever they want you to see!
MAYOR
(beat)
You know, that actually makes a lot of sense. There was no concrete evidence of ghosts until their highly lucrative ghostbusting business turned up...
BILL MURRAY
No! Don't listen to him! We have cocky charm! COCKY CHARM!
MAYOR
Oh gosh darn it, you really do! Get outta here, you loveable cutups!
BILL MURRAY
Woohoo! We beat you Dickless! We never have to worry about you again!
DICKLESS
Uh, no you haven't. All the mayor did was release you from jail. You're still facing six federal charges.
BILL MURRAY
That's an interesting argument but I have a better one.
(beat)
Fuck you I'm Bill Murray.
INT. SIGOURNEY WEAVER’S APARTMENT BUILDING
THE GHOSTBUSTERS arrive with a full POLICE ESCORT!
BILL MURRAY
Awesome!
...who remain outside while the GHOSTBUSTERS march in to fight GOZER.
BILL MURRAY
Dammit, you'd think the city would be just a LITTLE invested in its own SURVIVAL.
GOZER
Behold! My overwhelming power!
The GHOSTBUSTERS shoot GOZER.
GOZER
OW! FUCK! I'm nowhere near as overwhelming as I thought. Okay, bring in the fifty-foot marshmallow man!
BILL MURRAY
The what?
DAN AYKYROYD
Gozer pulled an image of a corporate mascot from my head to create a giant monster.
BILL MURRAY
Well thank God this film wasn't made by Michael Bay. I shudder to think of the horrifying product placement this might have spawned.
DAN AYKROYD
I don't know, I kind of like the idea of us murdering a fifty-foot Burger King.
HAROLD RAMIS
Wait, guys there's a huge portal to Gozer's dimension right there. What if we cross the streams inside and blow it up?
BILL MURRAY
Wouldn't that cause a planet-killing explosion? If that's a two-way portal how would the Earth remain unaffected if it was just ten feet away?
HAROLD RAMIS
...think of something.
BILL MURRAY
We'll at least step inside the portal to make absolutely sure we don't blow up our world, won't we? Guys?
HAROLD RAMIS
Get ready! Everyone call out your trademark one-liner!
BILL MURRAY
(deadpan one-liner)
HAROLD RAMIS
(even more deadpan one-liner)
DAN AYKROYD
(emotional one-liner)
ERNIE HUDSON
(unwritten one-liner)
Goddammit.
They blow up GOZER, THE STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN, THE PORTAL, and also the BAD WEATHER!
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
I'm free again!
BILL MURRAY
Yay!
ANNIE POTTS
I'm Harold's love interest suddenly!
HAROLD RAMIS
Double yay!
RICK MORANIS
I'm free too!
DAN AYKROYD
Boo!
BILL MURRAY
Well, it looks like everything's been neatly wrapped up.
ERNIE HUDSON
What about the hundreds of ghosts Dickless unleashed?
BILL MURRAY
(gritted teeth)
EVERYTHING IS FINE. SHUT UP.
HAROLD RAMIS
And the best part is that no one will ever doubt the existence of ghosts again!
GHOSTBUSTERS II
Yeah...
END.