FADE IN:

INT. STOCKBROKER OFFICE - 1985

JOHN C. MCGINLEY and CHARLIE SHEEN arrive and exchange CASUAL SEXIST BANTER before trading opens.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

Hey Charlie, have you made your daily stalker call to Michael Douglas yet?

CHARLIE SHEEN

Yes. I'm sure he'll finally love me if I do it a few more times!

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

Douglas is a serious investor! He was on the phone dumping NASA stock the second the Challenger exploded! Which is really strange, as we've already established that this is 1985 and that hasn't happened yet.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Yeah, definitely. Anyway, I'm gonna personally invest $100 in WeDon'tTalkAboutBruno Coin and see about buying this Juice WRLD NFT.

INT. MICHAEL DOUGLAS'S OFFICE

CHARLIE enters while MICHAEL DOUGLAS constantly orders around underlings on the phone to show us how damned BUSY and IMPORTANT he is.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(on phone)

Kid called me 59 days in a row, so I finally let him visit me instead of getting a restraining order! Yeah, I hope I live through this as well!

CHARLIE SHEEN

Happy birthday, Mr. Douglas! I got you these Cuban cigars you like!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(Hanging up phone)

Fantastic, how did you know it was my birthday?

CHARLIE SHEEN

I heard it once and saved it into this computer program that beeps the entire goddamned ìHappy Birthdayî song every time it's someone's birthday! Anyway, I want to do business with you. 12-man the deal team, junk bonds, char break, cash flow, L.B.O. analysis, quants, numbers.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Bah, I've heard all that before! Tell me something new or I'll feed you to this shredder.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Bluestar! Bluestar Airlines! They've won a major lawsuit. My actual dad told me while being as blue collar and folksy as humanly possible. Even though it was sharing insider information to a stockbroker.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(turning off shredder)

Fantastic! Here's a million dollars and a steak, invest both of them properly. Tonight I'll send literal hookers and blow to your apartment. I'll definitely never screw you over, by the way.

INT. MICHAEL DOUGLAS'S LIMO - A FEW DAYS LATER

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Your investment of that million dollars lost money! You suck at predicting the future! I'll give you one more chance- tail this British rival of mine and figure out what he's investing in!

CHARLIE SHEEN

But isn't that creepy stalker behavior?

(beat)

OK, you've got me there.

CHARLIE follows TERENCE STAMP around until he and MICHAEL deduce that he's buying Anacott Steel based entirely on where he was flying to. They pull some COMPLICATED STOCK BUFFOONERY that screws over TERENCE and confuses EVERYONE.

CHARLIE happens to be at MICHAEL'S party where the final deal with TERENCE is signed. DARYL HANNAH, a beautiful mannequin, is also present.

TERENCE STAMP

I say old bean, this dodgy affair has me miffed enough to throw a wobbly!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I screw over everyone! Oh, but not you, Charlie. I'd never do that. Now go run along and steal that one guy's girlfriend in front of him and play with the robot butler.

CHARLIE SHEEN

A robot butler? How cool!

DARYL HANNAH

Hi Charlie, I'm Daryl Hannah. My acting is the reason why this movie got a Razzie on top of an Oscar.

CHARLIE SHEEN

That's great. Did you know that there's a robot butler at this party?

DARYL HANNAH

Yeah, I did. I'm actually the ex of your boss, Michael Do-

CHARLIE SHEEN

I mean, how does it work? Can it pour drinks? Does it do other butler things, like answer the door and iron clothes? I gotta know!

MONTAGE: MICHAEL talks to CHARLIE on a cell phone the size of a small country. CHARLIE dresses as a janitor to sneak information out of a law firm with a HANDHELD SCANNER THINGY. His successes lead him to having a corner office, paying back money to his father, and buying a penthouse and DARYL.

INT. TELDAR PAPER SHAREHOLDERS MEETING

RICHARD DYSART, a CEO or something, is giving a fiery speech to a packed room.

RICHARD DYSART

Michael Douglas will destroy this company! Greed is bad!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

False. Greed, for lack of a better word, is good!

The CROWD erupts into THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.

RICHARD DYSART

"Ambition." You should have learned a better word in middle school!

INT. CHARLIE SHEEN'S PENTHOUSE

CHARLIE, MICHAEL, DARYL, and the BLUESTAR UNION LEADERS are present, inducing MARTIN SHEEN.

CHARLIE SHEEN

So I've had the best idea ever- Let's put the much-beloved company that my father works for in the hands of this guy who was just loudly extolling the virtues of greed!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I know I don't seem trustworthy, but trust me!

MARTIN SHEEN

What's your plan for rescuing Bluestar Airlines?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

A 20% pay cut, a price war, load factor, inventory management, revenues, photon reversal, and numbers!

All UNION REPS besides MARTIN nod in approval.

MARTIN SHEEN

No, I don't trust you.

EVERYONE ELSE GASPS in shock!

INT. BOARD MEETING

BOARD MEMBER

Oh man, we are gonna make so much money stripping apart Bluestar Airlines and selling it off, piece-by-piece! Especially you, Charlie!

CHARLIE SHEEN

What? I thought we were going to save it!

BOARD MEMBER

Ha! No, we're going to screw over everyone who works for Bluestar bigtime and get richer doing it! Also, I'm gonna work casual racism against Mexicans into this presentation somehow.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE

CHARLIE SHEEN

You said we were going to save Bluestar, not destroy them! And that you'd never screw me over!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Technically, I didn't screw you over, just your father and everyone else working for Bluestar!

CHARLIE SHEEN

But everyone at Bluestar will lose everything!

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

So? Money isn't lost or made, it's transferred from one perception to another. I bought that painting on the wall for $60,000 and could sell it now for $600 for that reason.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Pfft! I'll give you $700 for it!

MICHAEL returns to his penthouse and DARYL warns him not to go against MICHAEL, while dressed like an INCREDIBLE CRASH DUMMY TOY. He angrily kicks her out.

CHARLIE SHEEN

(to himself)

I'll never have that robot butler now. At least my life can't get any worse.

It DOES. MARTIN suffers a heart attack! The resulting hospital scene is really TOUCHING, except when CHARLIE attempts to smoke right next to his dad, who is connected to an OXYGEN TANK. CHARLIE vows to save the airline.

INT. TERENCE STAMP'S ROYAL PALACE

CHARLIE meets with the union leaders and TERENCE STAMP.

CHARLIE SHEEN

What do you say to owning Bluestar Airlines for cheap and also screwing over Michael Douglas?

TERRANCE STAMP

I say, old fellow, that sounds rather smashing! How do you plan on doing this?

CHARLIE SHEEN

You're going to buy the airline, as long as you promise to keep it in one piece. Then we're going to undo all of Michael's insider trading shenanigans using more insider trading!

They DO. They pull off something called a ìPUMP AND DUMP,î which is not just something CHARLIE did to an UNNAMED GIRL early on in the film. The important part is that they SCREW OVER MICHAEL big time, forcing him to sell the airline at a large loss before TERENCE buys it up on the cheap.

INT. STOCKBROKER'S OFFICE

CHARLIE SHEEN

Ah, it feels great to have fixed everything, made all that money, and returned to my old job without a hitch. Hey, why's everyone looking at me all funny?

SECRETARY

Hey Charlie, there's guys from three different law enforcement agencies here asking for you.

CHARLIE is led away in HANDCUFFS.

EXT. A REALLY, REALLY OPEN FIELD IN CENTRAL PARK

CHARLIE walks up to MICHAEL in the middle of a DRAMATIC THUNDERSTORM.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Hey Charlie, how's it going?

CHARLIE SHEEN

Fine, thanks.

MICHAEL punches him in the face.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(directly to Charlie Sheen's chest)

You asshole! Did you ever think you could have made all that money committing all those financial crimes so well without my help? I'm the best financial criminal there is!

CHARLIE reaches inside his jacket and turns a knob, causing MICROPHONE FEEDBACK.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Here's a long list of financial crimes that I helped you pull off! And while I'm at it, I also did the Kennedy assasination, kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, and am Jack the Ripper!

INT. BACK ROOM AT A GREEK RESTAURANT

Shockingly, Charlie Sheen was wearing a wire for all of that! He strips it off for an entire room full of FEDS.

FED

Congratulations on your great wire-wearing! This should be enough to put Michael Douglas away for a long time, and you for a little bit less! He'll have to settle for idiot investment bros who missed the point of the movie idolizing him for decades.

INT. MARTIN SHEEN'S CAR

MARTIN is driving CHARLIE to the REALLY BIG COURTHOUSE FOR REALLY BIG CRIMES.

MARTIN SHEEN

Hey, you didn't do so bad in the end. Bluestar is dying to hire you, since you're the only reason they still exist and all. Is this a good time for some more blue-collar folksy wisdom?

CHARLIE SHEEN

No. I'm totally going to jail. I'm not even bothering with my seatbelt.

MARTIN SHEEN

Well I'm going to give it to you anyway.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Ugh, Daaaad!

The TWO AND A HALF MEN LAUGH TRACK sounds. CHARLIE bolts out of the car and into the courthouse.

END