FADE IN:

INT. WASHINGTON DC

GERARD BUTLER has coffee with SECRET SERVICE DIRECTOR ANGELA BASSETT, who, despite being cast in a male's role, will not be the next ELLEN RIPLEY.

GERARD BUTLER

I miss being in the Secret Service. I was the best agent.

ANGELA BASSETT

Yes, I heard about the horrible car accident (that wasn't your fault) where you (heroically risked your life to save the President, but) couldn't save his wife.

GERARD BUTLER

And so, when he sees me, the President is reminded that his wife is dead. So he fired me. Because I saved his life.

ANGELA BASSETT

Wow, the President is an ass. Is he Republican or Democrat?

There is more expounding on GERARD'S BORING LIFE before shifting to something more interesting: POLITICS.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

President AARON ECKHART meets with the KOREAN GOVERNMENT and SS AGENT DYLAN MCDERMOTT.

AARON ECKHART

Thank you for coming to discuss Bureaucratic Autocracy Caucus Demagogue Monotheism Gerrymandering. How was your trip?

RICK YUNE

Hewro. My Ko-wean fweends ahnd I ah Ohnnored to myeet yuoh.

(pause)

Ugh, we get it! We're Korean! I'm talking like a normal person from now on.

AARON ECKHART

Wait, Koreans aren't normal people?

RICK YUNE

Oh no. No, we're not. We're America-hating killers who want to nuke your country.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

Koreans... BAD. America... KICK-ASS AWESOME. Sounds right.

AARON ECKHART

Are we seriously releasing this movie while tension between the USA and North Korean governments is shooting through the roof?

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

Speaking of shooting roofs, DC is under attack!

AARON ECKHART

It is? Damn Marvel, trying to upstage Superman v. Batman with Avengers 2!

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

No, no, Washington DC is getting attacked by planes! Get the President to his secret underground bunker where all the nuclear controls are!

AARON ECKHART

Bring the shady Koreans with us even though we're not supposed to!

RICK YUNE

Huh, I thought this would be more difficult.

EXT. WASHINGTON DC

A KOREAN PLANE flies overhead, SHOOTING CIVILIANS.

BYSTANDERS

QUICK! RUN INTO THE MOST OPEN AND VULNERABLE PLACES WE CAN! TAKE NO COVER OF ANY KIND!

MORE BYSTANDERS

Even better, don't move and hope you don't get shot!

(get shot)

Meanwhile KOREAN TERRORISTS break down the WHITE HOUSE FENCE by EXPLODING THEMSELVES!

GERARD BUTLER

Hey Koreans! You could've just thrown the bombs at the fence and ran away. Why blow yourselves up, stupid?

KOREAN TERRORIST

That's something terrorists do, I guess. Down with America!

The PLANE, shot down, heads on a crash course toward the WHITE HOUSE LAWN!

BYSTANDER #1

OH GOD THE PLANE IS FALLING AT US WHAT DO WE DO?

BYSTANDER #2

DON'T WORRY, I SAW THIS ON PROMETHEUS! WE HAVE TO RUN DIRECTLY AWAY IN A STRAIGHT LINE!

They get SMUSHED.

KOREANS storm the WHITE HOUSE and SHOOT EVERYBODY, except the PRESIDENT'S SON (gasp!) and GERARD BUTLER, who sneaks in.

INT. SECRET PRESIDENT BUNKER

The KOREANS kidnap the President and his Cabinet.

RICK YUNE

Ha ha! We've got you now! By the way, Dylan McDermott is on my side! Mwheheheh!

AARON ECKHART

Dylan, how could you?

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

Because of Constitutional Plurality Expenditure Stagflation Methylococcus! Can I tie him up, Rick?

RICK YUNE

Wait, first it's "Shoot a Random Nurse Day."

(shoots a random nurse)

There, now everyone hates us. As if killing hundreds of innocent people wasn't enough. Next we videochat with the Pentagon!

They Skype HOUSE SPEAKER MORGAN FREEMAN and ANGELA BASSETT.

MORGAN FREEMAN

If you want me to narrate something in my beautiful voice, I can't. I have no idea what the plot is.

RICK YUNE

I demand you remove American troops from South Korea, or we'll kill your President!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Hmm, one Government official or all of South Korea. It's like choosing between a dog and a field of small children. I can't decide. Back to you later.

Meanwhile...

INT. WHITE HOUSE

GERARD BUTLER kills a KOREAN by smashing his head with an ABE LINCOLN bust. SYMBOLISM?

GERARD BUTLER

(into phone)

Hello, Morgan? I'm inside the White House and I'm going to rescue everyone.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Without 299 other shirtless hunks? I don't think so.

GERARD BUTLER

Trust me, I'm badass. My character name is "Mike Banning," doesn't that sound cool? Practically John McClane right there.

MORGAN FREEMAN

It just reminds me of Mike Ehrmantraut, who's way cooler. Speaking of, the next Breaking Bad starts in an hour, there's only like 3 left and I was really hoping to catch it, so would you...

GERARD BUTLER

(sighs)

Yeah, yeah. I'll hurry up.

GERARD sneaks into a SECRET PASSAGE and finds the PRESIDENT'S SON, FINLEY JACOBSEN. But KOREANS spray 1,000,000,000 BULLETS at them!

GERARD BUTLER

Don't worry kid, Spartan muscles are bulletproof. Here, climb out this chimney vent and you're fine.

FINLEY JACOBSEN

You mean I'm not really important? I'm actually a good child actor.

GERARD BUTLER

I will NOT be upstaged by a kid with Radcliffe glasses! I have Korean necks to snap. Get out.

FINLEY leaves while GERARD ties up and tortures some KOREANS. In a wide open room. In a building full of people trying to kill him.

GERARD BUTLER

Morgan, I've learned the Korean boss is Rick Yune, and he's... a TERRORIST!

MORGAN FREEMAN

OMFG WAT!!!!!

INT. BUNKER

RICK YUNE

Okay hostages, I want your Cerberus Codes. They'll let me shut down your nukes, leaving America helpless in the face of nuclear attack.

AARON ECKHART

No point, Yune. There's an emergency override in case those codes are compromised!

(pause)

Oh, but it's in this room. The same room where the codes are entered. And the nukes are fired. And basically everything related to nukes is. Man, put all your eggs in one basket...

RICK YUNE

Really should have thought that through before bringing suspicious Koreans down here. Too late!

They threaten to stab an OLD DUDE and attack the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE with TERRIBLY FAKE PUNCHES, since each knows one Cerberus Code.

AARON ECKHART

Give them your codes, Old Dude and Secretary! Getting beat up isn't worth the safety of 953,565,000 people! Besides, they'll never get the last code, because only I know it.

OLD DUDE and DEFENSE SECRETARY give up their CODES.

RICK YUNE

Time to take out Gerard. He's beaten a bunch of us already, so we'll send... one guy. Dylan McDermott? Perfect.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

DYLAN instantly runs into GERARD despite none of the Koreans knowing where he is.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

Whoa, Gerard, it's me! I'm totally not here to kill you.

GERARD BUTLER

Of course not, I trust you. Morgan Freeman would've told me to watch out for you if you were a traitor.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

Which I am SO not. I could, say, pull out my gun in a completely believable, non-suspicious way, and kill you.

GERARD BUTLER

I know. Come on, you could have done that four times over by now.

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

Ha ha, you're right! You'd never know I'm working for Rick Yune!

GERARD BUTLER

You know his name?? Fool, you've given everything away! You're a sucky assassin!

(stabs Dylan)

DYLAN MCDERMOTT

Wow. I seriously do suck. Before I die, I might as well tell Rick over radio that you're dead so he'll stop looking for you.

GERARD BUTLER

Sounds fair. It's not like he'll get suspicious when you don't come back.

This HAPPENS. A bunch of SEALs arrive to help but DIE. During the fight, GERARD falls through a ceiling and slams his spine into a coffee table, PARALYZING HIM and BREAKING SEVERAL BONES.

Just kidding, he only has a non-fatal piece of SHRAPNEL in his TORSO, which you've never, ever seen in a movie before.

GERARD BUTLER

Oh yeah, I have a wife, right? I'd better call her.

(calls wife)

Hey honey, I know you're trying to save hundreds of terrorist victims at your hospital right now, but I wanted to interrupt and ask how your day was. That's it. Thanks for being in the movie. Bye.

INT. BUNKER

RICK YUNE

Aaron, give me the Cerberus Code or I'll kill you.

AARON ECKHART

Erm, okay. Then you can't get the Cerberus Code.

RICK YUNE

(to Skype)

Okay Mr. Freeman, prepare an escape helicopter for me on the White House front lawn.

ANGELA BASSETT

Oh this is easy Morgan! Just hide a bomb in the helicopter so when Rick climbs in, he blows up!

MORGAN FREEMAN

No, I've just learned none of America's allies will help us and nations are actually celebrating our downfall so I'm complying with all their demands.

ANGELA BASSET

I'm starting to suspect we're not targeting the overseas box-office.

RICK YUNE

Thanks, man!

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN

The KOREANS and HOSTAGES go to the HELICOPTER. All are MASKED and HOODED. The TERMINATOR THEME plays briefly, but TIME TRAVELING ROBOTS do not appear.

As everyone takes off, the helicopter EXPLODES.

ANGELA BASSETT

See? Helicopter bomb. Like I said. Easy.

MORGAN FREEMAN

No, that wasn't our bomb! Rick Yune just killed himself!

ANGELA BASSETT

What? No. That would be so, so stupid. It's obviously a ruse. We aren't expecting anyone to believe this "twist," are we?

We ARE.

INT. BUNKER

RICK YUNE and AARON ECKHART are still here. RICK activates NUCLEAR BOMBS all over the country.

RICK YUNE

Within minutes, all your nukes will detonate and destroy America!

(examines giant on-screen map)

Except Chicago. Chicago's safe. But Texas is gonna get smoldered.

(pause)

I guess you're a Republican after all.

AARON ECKHART

How can you do this without my Cerberus Code?!

RICK YUNE

I only needed TWO of the three codes all along! Which you should have known! Yet you allowed me to have those two codes! Seriously, what were you thinking?

AARON ECKHART

Well, I'm not the one who wants to trigger massive radiation and a nuclear winter to kill the whole planet.

RICK YUNE

Shut up, Two-Face. Neither of our plans make sense.

Suddenly GERARD BUTLER attacks and tries PUNCHING RICK TO DEATH! RICK pulls out KNIVES but DROPS them, so he switches to the very effective method of KICKING, OOH! Then GERARD stabs RICK in the FACE.

GERARD BUTLER

Okay, Freeman, America has two minutes before MegaNagasaki. How do I stop the bombs?

MORGAN FREEMAN

You have to type a bunch of nonsense into the computer that the screenwriter got from a crossword answer sheet!

GERARD BUTLER

I'm ready! Tell me the words!

MORGAN FREEMAN

Magenta! Seasonal! Ecuador! Watergun! Pepsi! Vonnegut! Calvinball! Hashtag!

GERARD BUTLER

What's a "Hashtag?"

MORGAN FREEMAN

You live in the age of Twitter and you don't know what a goddamn Hashtag is?!

GERARD BUTLER

#toofuckinold Just tell me what it is!

MORGAN FREEMAN

#alsotoofuckinold It sounds like... something waiters use to mark corned beef breakfasts!

AARON ECKHART

Don't be stupid, it's that game where someone's "It" and they chase other people, while stoned!

GERARD BUTLER

It sounds to me like when you sloppily "hash out" an unsuspensful climax to your underwhelming action-

ANGELA BASSETT

Shift-3, guys.

GERARD types it in. The computer takes nine extra seconds to turn off because DRAMA.

MORGAN FREEMAN

We're saved! Send the troops back to South Korea! Party!

Everyone SLOWLY CLAPS like they've watched a mildly interesting stage performance, or maybe an UNREMARKABLE ACTION FLICK.

AARON ECKHART

Hello, my fellow Americans. I'd like to remind everyone that America is awesome and Korea sucks. Get that, Kim Jong II? Good. Come see our movie!

POTENTIAL AUDIENCE

"Olympus Has Fallen?" Is this Clash of the Titans 3 or another Percy Jackson? I'm sick of these Greek people.

END