The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. MANDATORY KRISTEN-STEWART-CAN'T-EMOTE JOKE
DIRECTOR DRAKE DOREMUS thumbs through a stack of HEADSHOTS.
DIRECTOR DRAKE DOREMUS
OK, my garden-variety dystopia drama is almost cast. All I need is my leading lady. I need someone bland. Someone dry. Someone who wouldn't give a shit if I handed her a basket of puppies and a shipping container of fudge ripple ice cream.
KRISTEN STEWART
'Sup.
DIRECTOR DRAKE DOREMUS
...I meant ON SCREEN.
INT. NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS
NICHOLAS HOULT wakes up.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Another day in my impeccably clean apartment with its floor-to-ceiling windows and automated closet and meals prepared at the push of a button. Off to catch the train that’s always on time and has personal flat-screens for all passengers. Can’t be late for my job where I draw pictures of space all day using an even more awesome version of Microsoft Surface Studio.
(pauses)
You're SURE this is an oppressive society? Not, like, Elon Musk’s all-inclusive Mars resort?
INT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND
WHITE PEOPLE wearing WHITE JUMPSUITS stream into WHITE BUILDINGS underneath a COMPLETELY WHITE SKY while one of those SLEEP INDUCEMENT CDS THEY SELL AT THE PHARMACY plays in the background.
BUREAU OF DISEMBODIED EXPOSITION
Attention, all meatbags: This is your daily reminder to report to your medical overlords to receive your untold quantities of psychoactives. As you know, most of the planet was obliterated, and it’s down to us plus some freaks not far from here who feel things. It is very very very very very very very very VERY important for you never to do that. Also, no touchy.
SOME GUY goes SPLAT.
MEATBAG #1
It appears an individual has committed suicide.
MEATBAG #2
Indeed.
NICHOLAS looks at co-worker KRISTEN STEWART, whose LIPS twitch in ANGUISH or something.
NICHOLAS HOULT
OMG SHE TOTALLY GETS ME!!!
KRISTEN STEWART
Huh?
NICHOLAS HOULT
Ohhhh, nothing. You go about your business while I stare at the back of your head constantly.
NICHOLAS goes home, where his desire for KRISTEN leads to a dream about KILLING HIMSELF.
INT. CLINIC
NICHOLAS visits A DOCTOR.
A DOCTOR
Nicholas, I’m afraid you have a case of the feels. We have no choice but to pill the crap out of you until we inevitably send you to the emo gulag. Which makes the pills a complete waste of time, but, hey, Big Pharma, amirite?
NICHOLAS leaves the clinic and goes to stare at KRISTEN all day.
NICHOLAS HOULT
But, soft, what greasy hair and mildly nauseous expression through yonder attention span breaks...
KRISTEN STEWART
Wha?
NICHOLAS HOULT
Ohhhh, nothing. Look, it's quittin' time! You head on home while I follow you without making any effort to hide the fact that I'm following you.
KRISTEN STEWART
No.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Fine! My pale, monotonous, vaguely effeminate self will just creep you the fuck out until you love me!
KRISTEN wonders why THIS keeps happening to her.
INT. UNISEX WORKPLACE WASHROOM
NICHOLAS enters and checks EVERY STALL for KRISTEN and OH MY GOD IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ROMANTIC?!
KRISTEN STEWART
(holds out her hand)
Touch?
NICHOLAS HOULT
Don't mind if I do!
They engage in PON FARR, BASICALLY.
KRISTEN STEWART
Done.
NICHOLAS HOULT
No way. This bathroom stall shall be our private haven of soft-focus dry-humping forevermore.
KRISTEN STEWART
'Kay.
This continues until their boss, DAVID SELBY, confronts NICHOLAS.
DAVID SELBY
Salutations, Nicholas. I have observed that you are paying an inordinate level of attention to Kristen. I am of course cognizant of your diagnosis of the feels. As you know, should there be any causal relationship between these phenomena, I have no option but to inform the authorities. Is this affirmative?
NICHOLAS HOULT
Nnnnnno.
DAVID SELBY
Oh, OK.
EXT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND
NICHOLAS and KRISTEN sit on a BENCH.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Kristen, David is totally on to us, but I don’t care. I must gaze upon your deathly pallor for all time, or I shall surely die!
KRISTEN STEWART
Bye.
NICHOLAS HOULT
(chokes back sob)
Goodbye, my sweet. We'll always have the bathroom floor.
He takes a NEW JOB that requires him to wear BEIGE. Meanwhile, KRISTEN meets his replacement, TOM STOKES.
TOM STOKES
I am the very model of a modern meatbag generic. I have a passion for lacking passion. I can stare blankly in 20 languages. Let us dine on Wonder Bread and skim milk while reading from the dictionary and listening to Sheryl Crow.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ugh.
INT. BASEMENT
NICHOLAS attends a meeting of the SECRET FEELS SUPPORT GROUP led by GUY PEARCE.
GUY PEARCE
Nicholas, meet Jacki. She works at the emo gulag despite having the feels, and this technological wonder of a despotic regime hasn’t caught her. Maybe she can give you stealth lessons, you could use those.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Jacki, what actually happens at the emo gulag?
JACKI WEAVER
We either stand by while you kill yourself, or subject you to endless physical agony. I do this so I can feel ANYTHING AGAIN, ANYTHING AT ALL.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Wow. That really is emo.
JACKI WEAVER
Nicholas, you've admitted that you're powerless over the feels. Now you must believe a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Like Stewart pussy? Done and done.
INT. NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS
KRISTEN visits NICHOLAS.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Darling, how I've longed for you! Let us hump anew!
Despite knowing SQUAT about sexual pleasure, they figure out through sheer force of LOVE that they’re supposed to marinate the NETHER ROD in the SQUISH MITTEN.
NICHOLAS HOULT
That was the most profound physical and emotional experience I’ve ever had. I had no idea it was even possible to feel such a strong connection with another person. Now I truly understand the power of emotion.
KRISTEN STEWART
Yeah.
BUREAU OF DISEMBODIED EXPOSITION
Attention, all meatbags: Feels cured, bitches! Come get mandatorily vaxxed!
NICHOLAS/KRISTEN
...Fuck.
INT. BASEMENT
NICHOLAS and KRISTEN meet GUY and JACKI.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Guy, you have to help us. We have to get to that other part of the planet before my mandatory vaxxing comes up.
GUY PEARCE
Sure. Easy-peasy.
JACKI WEAVER
But you’ll have to do your own cooking. And don’t even think about an automated closet. And how will we know if you even survive?
KRISTEN STEWART
Evs.
INT. WORK
KRISTEN tries to sign in.
ID SCANNER THINGY
You shall not pass. It's mandatory insemination time.
KRISTEN visits A DOCTOR.
A DOCTOR
Kristen, has a male individual recently inserted his glans into your labia minora?
KRISTEN STEWART
Uhhh...
A DOCTOR
It's the only explanation for the fact that you are already in possession of an embryo.
KRISTEN STEWART
Bwuh?
Two of DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND’S FINEST haul her away.
EXT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND
NICHOLAS catches up with GUY.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Guy, we have to rescue Kristen! I can’t live without the boner she somehow manages to produce!
GUY PEARCE
No problemo. Now stop feeling in public and go home before someone catches you.
NICHOLAS HOULT
I dunno, they’ve had like 20 chances so far so I thought I’d press my luck a little.
GUY and JACKI team up to rescue KRISTEN.
JACKI WEAVER
Kristen, someone named Ava killed herself last night. Pretend you’re her to get out of here, then go to Nicholas’ place. Clear?
KRISTEN STEWART
Clear.
JACKI WEAVER
Good. Let’s practice. Hello, Ava.
KRISTEN STEWART
(silence)
INT. HOURS LATER
GUY pounds his head against the WALL.
JACKI WEAVER
OK. ONE MORE TIME. You. Are. Ava. Understand?
KRISTEN STEWART
Yup.
JACKI WEAVER
Hello, Ava.
KRISTEN STEWART
(hesitates, points to GUY)
Him?
GUY PEARCE
FUCK IT LET'S GO.
KRISTEN exits into BROAD DAYLIGHT and manages not to get caught despite having the ID TAG of someone with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FACE. She runs to NICHOLAS’ APARTMENT, but despite EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS for him to be there, he’s not.
KRISTEN STEWART
Eep.
EXT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND
NICHOLAS tries to act normal despite the fact that the JIG is up.
BUREAU OF DISEMBODIED EXPOSITION
Attention, all meatbags: We just fucked up Guy and Jacki. Watch out.
NICHOLAS runs to the EMO GULAG to look for KRISTEN.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Five-foot-five, eyes of green, but oh the way she rides my peen, has anybody seen my girl?
EMO GULAG BUREAUCRAT
Yeah, she was here, but she went to that great slush pile of Giver ripoffs in the sky.
NICHOLAS HOULT
WHAT – SHE – THAT’S – NO – BUT -
EMO GULAG BUREAUCRAT
You seem suspiciously upset about this for someone who has been taught since birth to believe another person’s death should provoke no reaction whatsoever.
(pauses)
Welp, back to FreeCell.
EXT. NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS
NICHOLAS stands on the edge of the ROOF.
NICHOLAS HOULT
I have even less reason to live than I did at the beginning of the movie. Time to end it all!
(pauses)
Or not. I'll just go get vaxxed. It's pretty much the same thing.
He does so, then returns to his APARTMENT, where KRISTEN awaits.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hi.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Kristen, my dearest one! You're alive!
(vax kicks in)
I regret to inform you that, having recently obtained my mandatory vaccination, my feels have been successfully cured. I am now the productive, healthy drone I used to be. Henceforth, I shall not possess any romantic attachment to you.
KRISTEN STEWART
Oh.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Don't worry, I'm still good to get the fuck out of here. Let’s roll.
They board a train bound for NOT HERE.
NICHOLAS HOULT
Wait. If Desaturated Dystopia Land is so oppressive, why do they even HAVE a train bound for Not Here? Why were we able to board it with absolutely no problem? And why am I suddenly getting the feels back mere moments after getting a supposedly foolproof cure? Could - could it be that emotion ISN'T ACTUALLY A DISEASE?
KRISTEN STEWART
Meh.
END