FADE IN:

An opening TITLE CARD announces that the film has SIX ACTS, allowing the AUDIENCE to begin mentally planning their BATHROOM BREAKS.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, BERLIN - 1977

On the NEWS BROADCAST is an ongoing HIJACKING HOSTAGE SITUATION, a suspenseful yet drawn-out event with long stretches of apparent tedium, that nevertheless holds your attention with the promise of an explosive dramatic finish. How this connects to the film itself is a total mystery, CLOSE SARCASM TAG.

Meanwhile CHLOE GRACE MORETZ and her HAIRSTYLE OF ANXIOUSNESS arrive to see psychiatrist OLDASS SQUINTMAN in his first ever film role, let's give him a warm welcome!

CHLOE GRACE MORETZ

Doctor I'm so terrified! Any moment now I could be slashed to death, then thrown through stained glass to gruesomely hang-

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(feebly)

Oh no no, that was the original. THIS version ditches all that slasher nonsense so we can REALLY focus on the witchcraft. Except when we don't. Did you know there's a hostage crisis?

CHLOE GRACE MORETZ

Wait a damned second, you're Tilda Swinton in horrible old-man makeup. What the fuck.

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(weakly)

What do you mean, I'm just an unknown elderly penis-having actor who-

CHLOE GRACE MORETZ

WHY ARE YOU AN OLD MAN TILDA SWINTON

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(decrepitly)

Erm, well let's just say that sometimes certain movies make bold artistic choices that only reveal their TRUE relevance under closer examination?

CHLOE GRACE MORETZ

I dunno from here it looks suspiciously like wanky bullshit, BYYYEEEEEE

(flees)

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(faintly)

Hmph, guess I won't be recommending "Orlando" to a certain someone.

EXT. A FARM - AMERICA

There is a FARM with an OLD BEDRIDDEN WHEEZING WOMAN. Her AMISH FAMILY are clearly distressed about her condition as they have left various OPENING CREDITS just lying around, scattered about the farm all WILLY-NILLY.

EXT. BERLIN - 1977

DAKOTA JOHNSON leaves the subway where a sign saying SUSPIRIA hides coyly in the top left corner all sneaky-style, so as not to tip off anyone who bought tickets to JOHNNY ENGLISH STRIKES AGAIN and wandered into the wrong theatre. Let's see if we can string them along until it's too late to refund their tickets. Anyway DAKOTA navigates her way to GERMAN BALLET SCHOOL!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Gosh, I was sure it would be more... red.

ANGELA WINKLER

(emerging from school)

Oh no no, that was the original. THIS version ditches all that having-colour nonsense so we can REALLY focus on the witchcraft. Er, I mean, ballet! Ha ha ha. Anyway I'm the teacher in charge of auditions, please come in so you can miserably fail at one, you untalented hack.

INT. AUDITION ROOM STRANGELY LACKING IN RED

DAKOTA prepares to do INFINITY MORE DANCING than JESSICA HARPER did in HER version.

ANGELA WINKLER

Begin when you're ready, you posturing American skank. You shouldn't even be here. God knows how you even landed this prestigious audition when you are clearly dogshit.

But DAKOTA dances so INTENSELY and AWESOMELY that TILDA SWINTON HERSELF teleports into the room!

TILDA SWINTON

Yes it's me, arriving for my first scene! My goodness, this unassuming student has vast potential. And we just so happen to have an opening since Chloe is, ah, missing.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(innocently)

Shouldn't you hold her spot in case she turns up and there's a reasonable explanation?

TILDA SWINTON

She's not THAT kind of missing.

DAKOTA is shown around the school by fellow dancer MIA GOTH and they become FRIENDS.

MIA GOTH

Let us cement this bond further with a pinky swear. Now we shall always have each other's backs, for example if one of us goes missing at a crucial moment, the other will find her!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Yes, that is exactly how this will work.

(smiles)

INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE

The TEACHERS go about their business while TELEPATHICALLY VOTING on who should LEAD the COVEN. There are rather a lot of TEACHERS and so my apologies for when I inevitably get some names mixed up.

ANGELA WINKLER

(telepathically)

I vote... for Swinton!

RENEE SOUTENDIJK

(telepathically)

I vote... for her opponent, surely played by a different actress to be revealed later!

ALEK WEK

(telepathically)

My telepathic voting machine keeps switching my vote! Fuck, now it's totally crashed!

SYLVIE TESTUD

(telepathically)

Well fuck you, I've been mentally waiting in line for FIVE HOURS! We should have stuck to telepathic paper ballots, I'm telling you.

Ultimately the vote is won by the INCUMBENT HEAD WITCH named "HELENA MARKOS" and so things continue as before.

ANGELA WINKLER

Since our plan totally failed with Chloe--and check it out, we finally HAVE a plan after 41 years--we'll need a new sacrificial girl.

TILDA SWINTON

I guess so. But presumably Chloe was the best candidate of our existing students, and it's not like the perfect specimen is just going to fall into our lap, totally out of the blue. At least, that would be MIIIGHTYY suspicious, if it did.

(smokes)

Oh did I mention we had a new student arrive totally out of the blue who's possibly a perfect specimen? What a stroke of luck, huh?

INT. BALLET STUDIO - THE NEXT DAY

All the STUDENTS, including DAKOTA and ELENA FOKINA, gather for rehearsal with TILDA.

TILDA SWINTON

Since Chloe's been missing for like a day we've decided she exploded in that political bomb explosion thing that happened, and fuck Chloe. Everyone welcome new student Dakota!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(sweetly)

Hi everyone, I'm from Ohio? I guess?

(puts apple pie on windowsill)

ELENA FOKINA

I don't believe you Tilda! You're a WITCH!! WITCH!!!!

ANGELA WINKLER

Hey that's not the part of the original Goblin soundtrack we decided to sample! Fuck off out of here!

ELENA runs off, distraught! As she flees another teacher gives her a SAUCY LOOK, and you KNOW she used that special SECRET SAUCE and the secret is WITCHCRAFT YO.

TILDA SWINTON

Chloe was going to dance the lead in our trippy-ass ballet we call "Volk", so we need a new sacrifice, er I mean, starring role. Perhaps Mia would like-

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(naively)

Um I guess I could do it? I have seen "Volk" before. In fact I followed your tour and kind of stalked you, ha ha, guess you could say I jumped on the "Volk"-wagon. Yep, I'm down to "Volk" all right.

(bats eyelashes)

TILDA SWINTON

So you've already memorized the complex steps of our central ritual, I mean, headliner act? What a fortuitous coincidence! Now before you demonstrate, just a wee bit of completely mundane preparation...

(touches Dakota's hands and feet magic-style)

(draws pentagram on Dakota's forehead)

(covers Dakota in pig's blood)

Right, off you go!

DAKOTA launches into her INTERPRETIVE-BALLET-MODERN-DANCEY-TYPE-THING which involves quite a lot of very intense movement indeed! Meanwhile ELENA has continued fleeing but finds herself trapped in the ALL-MIRROR DANCE ROOM!

ELENA FOKINA

Was this the result of a spell or do I just suck at fleeing?

Back in the MAIN REHEARSAL ROOM, DAKOTA thrusts out one arm, violently! As she does so, ELENA is thrown across the MIRROR ROOM!

ELENA FOKINA

(hitting wall)

OOF WHAT THE FUCK

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(does roundhouse kick followed by karate chop)

ELENA FOKINA

(BIFF! POW!)

OUUCH IS THERE AN INVISIBLE CHUCK NORRIS IN HERE HOLY SHIT

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(mimes doing a noogie)

ELENA FOKINA

(cringing)

OW OW OW FUCKING QUIT IT ALREADY

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(mimes boxing speed-bag exercise)

(mimes dunking basketball)

(mimes elbow-drop from top rope)

ELENA FOKINA

(pummeled)

GODDAMMIT HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING DANCE ANYWAY

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(mimes folding laundry TO THE EXTREME)

ELENA FOKINA

(folded and creased six ways)

FUUUUUCK IS IT TOO LATE TO CHOOSE THE BARBED WIRE ROOM INSTEAD

Sadly for her IT IS! Eventually DAKOTA stops, and a group of TEACHERS arrive with SPECIALLY DESIGNED HOOKS (seriously there's a special credit just for the hooks) to cart off poor mangled ELENA.

TILDA SWINTON

Well done Dakota! We'll resume tomorrow, right now I have to, um, go do an errand.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Tell me you're not going to kill our momentum by chewing up time with-

TILDA SWINTON

(gluing 10 tons of makeup to face)

Hm? No of course not. Everyone wait here!

EXT. THE STREETS OF BERLIN

Totally real male actor OLDASS SQUINTMAN decides to walk to his old HOUSE. This involves lots of WALKING DOWN STREETS and WALKING PAST BUILDINGS and other variations on WALKING and basically imagine if LORD OF THE RINGS were done at the pace of a DODDERING 200-YEAR-OLD.

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(raspily)

Ah yes my house. My wife and I carved our initials on it before she vanished during the war. I swear this is all terribly important. Ooh look, news of the hostage crisis!

(dodders)

INT. GERMAN BALLET SCHOOL - THE NEXT DAY

DAKOTA continues VOLKING AROUND in the studio.

TILDA SWINTON

Although I am fascinated by your hard-core Volking, your jumps are bullshit.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(writhing suggestively)

But why jump at all? This feels very grounded to me.

(dry-humps floor)

Artistically I think this calls for a certain primal earthiness.

(fucks invisible spaghetti monster)

Beneath the room, "HELENA MARKOS" claws the floorboards in approval!

TILDA SWINTON

WELL I'M IN CHARGE OF THIS SHIT SO FUCK YOU IT'S GONNA HAVE JUMPING. Ahem. So I'm gonna use a spell to transfer another dancer's awesome jumping skill into you.

(does so)

Too bad this idea of magically creating the perfect super-dancer did not occur to us when we were betting everything on Chloe. Ah well.

DAKOTA now jumps PERFECTLY! But since none of the other background characters have ELITE EMOTIVE SKILLS to steal, the LESSON ends there.

TILDA SWINTON

(takes long drag on cigarette)

Tell me Dakota, how does it feel? Dancing my ballet that I wrote which is by me?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(bites lip)

As a sweet innocent ex-Amish girl I guess I think it feels like when animals fuck? This is literally my answer in the movie.

TILDA SWINTON

(drooling)

So... corruptible! Becoming obsessed... with this blank slate that I can mould to my own desires!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Yeah I get that a lot.

INT. POLICE STATION

As the NEWS provides sorely needed updates on the HOSTAGE CRISIS, OLDASS SQUINTMAN arrives to file a missing persons report.

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(creakily)

Hello cops. My penis and I were just reading through Chloe's journal, and I think there is cause for concern. See here, there are references to the Three Mothers and lots of pentagrams. Now even though I don't believe in witches, my years of psychiatric training tell me that a notebook jammed full of bizarre scribbles and diagrams MIGHT PERHAPS be a sign of trouble.

COP

If we go check out the ballet school then can you PLEASE take off that fucking makeup.

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(witheredly)

Eh? What makeup? Perhaps you refer to my endless grief over my wife. I recall you helped with that case too. Ah, such memories. Let me ramble on about that for a few hours as-

COP

GOD OKAY FINE WE'RE GOING

INT. GERMAN BALLET SCHOOL

The two COPS arrive and are ushered into a waiting room, where they are promptly HYPNOTIZED and STRIPPED from the waist down.

ANGELA WINKLER

Let us laugh at their puny junk! HA HA HA HA! Ah I haven't had this much fun since we compelled Janet Leigh and DeForest Kelley to make "Night of the Lepus" back in '72!

RENEE SOUTENDIJK

Ha ha yes, what a fittingly contemporary reference!

From another room DAKOTA sees this, yet seems unconcerned! HMMMMM A CLUE PERHAPS. Instead she rejoins MIA GOTH who has been snooping around looking for clues, and who just missed SO MANY DAMN CLUES, like, NANCY DREW she is NOT.

MIA GOTH

I'm certain something weird happened to Chloe! Don't you find this place creepy at all?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

It's true that I've been having strange dreams full of freaky images, bizarre tableaus, and bone-chilling copyright infringement. But they've provided a nice change of pace from our long slow drawn-out scenes of very little happening, so I don't want to complain too much.

That night, MIA tries to figure out where the TEACHERS go after hours, by re-creating the number of STEPS they take.

MIA GOTH

Though we skipped right over me devising this plan, so it feels like I must have rented the Argento version earlier to even KNOW about the footstep thing... anyway by taking the same number of steps in any direction whatsoever, I'm sure to find their secret spot!

Indeed, MIA finds a secret door in the ALL-MIRROR ROOM which leads to...

MIA GOTH

OH DEAR GOD IT'S their slightly odd sculpture collection? Not sure why they'd hide this. Oh hey one of the specialized hooks!

(takes hook)

But wait there's another door! And behind it... AAIEEE SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE WE CAN NEVER EVER SHOW IT! OR HAVE ANYONE MENTION WHAT IT IS!! I'M SURE IT'S QUITE AWESOME THOUGH!

(flees)

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE

MIA realizes the only character that might possibly be of any use to her at this point is fucking OLDASS SQUINTMAN, and so takes the HOOK there.

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(mutedly)

Oh my. This is quite concerning.

MIA GOTH

Can't you say you have a friend or something, someone who hunts witches maybe? Do we really have to keep coming back to this schtick? Hey what's Udo Kier up to these days...

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(frailly)

Hm, yes, perhaps my work here is done.

(throws voice awkwardly)

"But no, I, Tilda Swinton, think he should be made our witness! He is now critical to the plan!"

(stops throwing voice)

Oh dear, I hope me and my penis are up to this.

MIA GOTH

For fuck's SAKE

INT. GERMAN BALLET SCHOOL

TILDA continues to mentor DAKOTA and they grow ever closer, even dabbling in a bit of TELEPATHY, as DAKOTA opens up further about her Amish background and sick wheezing Mom and living a mundane life of hard work and grey-skyed toil and

SYLVIE TESTUD

Y'KNOW I THINK I PREFERRED WHEN THIS WAS A SLASHER MOVIE

(stabs self)

(dies)

With that out of the way, it is time to perform VOLK for a live audience including OLDASS SQUINTMAN who's now in the same general overall scene as TILDA, so clearly they are different people!

TILDA SWINTON

Class, hold still while I wrap this giant ball of yarn around everyone.

(does so)

Perfect! Now we're all set for... hold on, where's Mia?

ANGELA WINKLER

Oh since our entire plan hinges on this ritual, er I mean performance, we let Mia wander off and search for hidden secrets. It's not like we have the power to control where everyone goes except yes we do.

Deeper inside the school, MIA snoops around (in full dance costume, obviously) and finds the room where CHLOE and ELENA are both PRISONERS and also HORRIBLY DEFORMED!

MIA GOTH

Blecchh! Well, finding whatever immense scary horror was behind that secret door only had me 90% convinced to get the living fuck out of here... I'd say this MORE than covers the other 10%.

MIA heads down a hallway unaware that the teachers have opened up MAGICAL ROUND HOLES in it using a WILE E. COYOTE SPELL. She steps in one, SNAPPING her LEG!

MIA GOTH

YOIK GUESS I'M DAY-TO-DAY WITH A LOWER BODY INJURY, OUCHIE

TEACHERS grab her and bring her to the DANCE STUDIO where her leg seems okay! The students perform VOLK riiiiight up to where MIA'S LEG decides to RESNAP ITSELF even WORSE.

MIA GOTH

FUUCKKK MAKE THAT LONG-TERM INJURED RESERVE, ARGHH, ENJOY THE ADDED CAP SPACE GIRLS

TILDA SWINTON

Oh dear! Well apparently that's enough for our ritual to work, not sure why we bothered choreographing the rest anyway.

INT. GERMAN RESTAURANT

Following the show, the TEACHERS invite all the STUDENTS to their favourite restaurant.

ANGELA WINKLER

(placing order)

Ah yes, we'll have our usual main course of maniacal laughter? And the students will start with the mild sedative followed by the roast chicken on a bed of enchantment rice stuffed with mind control, thanks.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I'm not that hungry so I'll just have a side dish of INTENSE GAZING.

(stares intently at Tilda)

TILDA SWINTON

And I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING

(stares intently at Dakota)

Sure enough, the STUDENTS are soon ENTHRALLED, allowing the TEACHERS to use them as MINDLESS PAWNS towards their DEMONIC GOALS, and also stick them with the BAR TAB just to be DICKS.

EXT. BERLIN

Meanwhile OLDASS SQUINTMAN has wandered back to the old house and finds-

JESSICA HARPER

Yes it's me, your long-lost wife! And doing a pretty darned good German accent I must say!

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(anemically)

Ah yes. My beloved. It is so good to see you. Let us wander about, and linger a while, and slowly recount our times of wandering and lingering and meandering and

JESSICA HARPER

OH FUCK THIS I'M AN ILLUSION GET HIM LADIES

Suddenly TEACHERS grab OLDASS and drag him down to the SCHOOL'S SECRET SUB-BASEMENT!

INT. GERMAN BALLET SCHOOL -- SECRET BASEMENT RITUAL CHAMBER

Everyone has gathered for the BIG AWESOME CLIMAX FINAL ACT!!

TILDA SWINTON

Is everything ready? Hypnotized students dancing nakedly, check!

ANGELA WINKLER

Room bathed in all-red lighting--FINALLY--check!

RENEE SOUTENDIJK

Witness stripped naked... wait, seriously? But-

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(swiftly attaching fake schlong)

Check!

RENEE SOUTENDIJK

Okay fine, whatever. Do we have "Helena Markos", the witch calling herself Mother Suspiriorum?

SWILDA TINTON

CHECK!! Yes underneath this literal mound of Play-Dough prosthetics is me, Swilda Tinton! I'm a brand-new actress you've never met!

INGRID CAVEN

God damn, I'm amazed you didn't play the two cops. Anyway I guess all we're missing is Dakota, did anyone remember-

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(entering)

HELLO YES I'M HERE ALL ROBED UP AND READY FOR THE RITUAL that nobody's actually bothered to explain but somehow I seem to know all about! Let's not dwell on that though but instead get our witchcraft on!

TILDA SWINTON

Actually I'm starting to rethink this whole plan. Especially as I'm now juggling three characters I'm wondering if that might be a bit much after all...

SWILDA TINTON

THEN ALLOW ME TO HELP WITH THAT

SWILDA makes a witchly gesture that causes TILDA'S NECK to burst open in FRONT and BACK, gushing LOTS AND LOTS OF DEEP RED BLOOD! This effect works especially well now that the ENTIRE SCREEN is nothing but shades of DEEP RED!

TILDA SWINTON

cool thanks

(passes out)

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Now I am ready to be your new form, Swilda! Tell me what I must do.

SWILDA TINTON

To complete the ritual, you must kill ALL your other mothers, all who are not Mother Suspiriorum!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

OHHHH EVERYONE HEARD THAT RIGHT?! YOU ALL CAUGHT HOW THAT COULD BE TURNED IRONICALLY AGAINST HER RIGHT?!?

SWILDA TINTON

But.. but how?!? I am the Mother-

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Actually it's ME who is Mother Suspiriorum and I have been all along! Didn't the near-breathless, airy delivery of all my lines, alert you to the fact that I am the true Mother of Sighs?!? You are doomed, Markos, as are your followers!

DAKOTA uses the witches' own ritual to summon DEATH ITSELF!

DEATH

NOW YOU ARE FUCKED, AS I DEAL OUT SWIFT RETRIBUTION TO ALL THOSE WHO VOTED FOR THE DISGUSTING LUMP OF PURE EVIL INSTEAD OF TILDA

RENEE SOUTENDIJK

...but her emails

(head explodes)

While DEATH continues her head-popping demonstration of why EVERY VOTE MATTERS, DAKOTA approaches the horribly mutilated students ELENA, MIA, and CHLOE.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

What do you wish for, child? I can grant all manner of things.

MIA GOTH

Um... er... what are my options exactly? Is "full recovery" on the table for instance? Along with maybe immense wealth and forgetting this shit ever happened?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well no. I can grant either instant death, or, that's it.

MIA GOTH

Then seeing as how my intestines are all over the floor, I'll go with death.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I magnanimously grant your considered request!

(waves hand)

(kills Mia and Elena)

CHLOE GRACE MORETZ

Wow, acting all benevolent for granting the only option available? After this shit you should fucking invent cable companies.

(dies)

DAKOTA rips her FUCKING CHEST RIGHT THE FUCK OPEN and the hypnotized students keep NAKED DANCING and there's BLOOD AND GUTS AND WAILING AND DEATH EVERYWHERE and the people wondering twenty minutes ago if this movie really DESERVED to call itself SUSPIRIA are now thinking YEEEPP I GUESS THEY FUCKING EARNED IT AFTER ALL, REALLY DUG IN AT THE WIRE THERE, RALLIED IN THE NINTH, FUCKKKK.

INT. SURPRISE EPILOGUE! HAHA WE SAID SIX ACTS YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER, BUT NOPE, HAHA FUCK YOU

The next morning all the STUDENTS wake up just fine! The NEWS reports the HOSTAGE CRISIS has resolved and things are generally awesome!

STUDENT

Hey is the movie done? Wow we sure got off easy, I mean apart from a nasty hangover nothing really bad happened to us! No maggots falling from the ceiling or anything!

(wipes blood off face)

OTHER STUDENT

And unlike last time we still have a school to go to! Our education can proceed uninterrupted, hurray!

(brushes bits of intestine out of hair)

DOUBLE-NECK-GASHED TILDA SWINTON

(head flopping around grotesquely)

Yep, everything's back to normal!

(grins, gives thumbs-up to camera)

Then we come to the FOCAL POINT of the epilogue and CAN YOU GUESS WHO IT IS?? CAN YOU??!? OH YEAH IT'S OLDASS SQUINTMAN AGAIN and he's SITTING IN BED like a FUCKING BOSS!!!

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(anciently)

I just want to eat my pear. Nom nom. Here's me eating a pear.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(entering)

Hellooooo. Apparently we need to wrap up this epic tale of female empowerment and motherhood by making it all about some random dude, and you're the closest we've got.

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(mummified-ly)

Is this about my long lost wife perhaps? Ah I recall how I would reminisce about remembering her, there was this one time-

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Sweet zombie Jesus SHE GOT CAUGHT AND DIED IN A CAMP BUT MADE FRIENDS AND THOUGHT OF YOU AS SHE DIED OKAY, now I release you of all guilt and shame and memories as a reward for... not doing much of anything this whole time?? Honestly I can't quite grasp the point of this bit. Or of your entire character.

OLDASS SQUINTMAN

(crumbling-to-dust-edly)

Well... to be honest, me neither. We probably should have stopped after the big climactic ritual.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Probably.

END

INT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE

DAKOTA looks at the camera. Nothing HAPPENS.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(pause)

(pause)

(pause)

So is this where I join the Dark Universe or the Avengers or whatever the fuck

END