FADE IN:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

Super top secret black ops government agent VIOLA DAVIS meets with a bunch of FANCY MILITARY MEN after having ordered EVERY DEAD ANIMAL on the menu.

VIOLA DAVIS

Super-Cavill is dead. BTW spoilers for a movie that came out 5 months ago. In case the next Super-Cavill turns out to be evil I have assembled a team of villainous metahumans to do my bidding.

FANCY MILITARY MAN

Cool, what are their powers?

VIOLA DAVIS

Well one guy can shoot really good.

FANCY MILITARY MAN

Oh. Hmm. That's a start I guess, what else?

VIOLA DAVIS

One is a woman with the power to look good in tiny booty shorts.

FANCY MILITARY MAN

Uh...

VIOLA DAVIS

And one guy has a boomerang.

FANCY MILITARY MAN

(gets up to leave)

VIOLA DAVIS

WAIT!!! Just watch these jarring flashbacks! They explain everything!

EXT. FLASHBACK

WILL SMITH is walking down a DANGEROUS ALLEY with his DAUGHTER when they are suddenly stopped by THE BATFLECK.

THE BATFLECK

I’m here to arrest you, Will. I don’t want to do this in front of your daughter.

WILL SMITH

Really? Because it seems you deliberately cornered me while I was with my daughter with the expressed intent of putting her in harm's way. In an alley similar to the one your parents were gunned down in, no less. Give me one good reason why I should surrender to you.

THE BATFLECK

Ah, I see, you haven't heard that I fucking murder people now.

(shows Will the warehouse scene from BvS)

WILL SMITH

Oh. Well in that case

(surrenders)

EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - ANOTHER FLASHBACK

Psychiatrist MARGOT ROBBIE is trying to treat THE MASK-ERA JIM CARREY JARED LETO.

MARGOT ROBBIE

(taking notes)

Tell me Jared, how did you feel after falling into that vat of tattoo needles?

JARED LETO

That I am never going to work retail ever again.

MARGOT ROBBIE

You’re funny, Mr. J. I am now in love with you even though you look like Miley Cyrus without make-up. I will also throw away my entire career to break you out of prison and go swimming in a tub of moose semen.

JARED LETO

Did we seriously just plow through Paul Dini’s Mad Love in the span of a Twix commercial? Wait, did you say moose semen?

JARED torments and abuses MARGOT. So does his CHARACTER.

JARED LETO

Oh, I'm not gonna kill ya. I'm just gonna give a performance that's... really, really, bad.

MARGOT ROBBIE

(quivering)

How... how bad?

JARED LETO

Jesse Eisenberg from "Batman v. Superman" but with the quirkiness dialed up to fucking 11.

MARGOT ROBBIE

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

MARGOT is transformed into a HOOKER and they go on a CRIME SPREE to kill as many rap artists as possible, but sadly don't get to MACKLEMORE before they are stopped by THE BATFLECK.

MARGOT ROBBIE

(is water-punched)

EXT. ANOTHER ANOTHER FLASHBACK HOLYFUCK

JAI COURTNEY is a grungy drunken lowlife scumbag. He is also CAPTAIN BOOMERANG.

JAI COURTNEY

I’m a master bank robber thanks to the power of boomerangs! Huh? Wait, so I’m an Aussie with a boomerang fetish, Will is a street thug who’s good at killing people and Margot’s a trailer park stripper. All we need now is a Hispanic person who’s a gang banger and a Japanese person who’s a master swordfighter and we’ll hit stereotype Bingo.

(is captured in a Flash!)

EZRA MILLER

Wait, are all these flashbacks being introduced with Scott Pilgrim-style graphics? Did the editor just forget what film he was making halfway through post-production?

INT. MILITARY CONFERENCE ROOM

VIOLA DAVIS is meeting with a room of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FANCY MILITARY MEN.

VIOLA DAVIS

Super-Cavill is dead. BTW spoilers for a movie that came out 5 months ago. In case the next Super-Cavill turns out to be evil I have assembled a team of villainous metahumans to do my bidding.

FANCY MILITARY MAN

Are you really explaining the plot of the movie a second time?

VIOLA DAVIS

Yes, but this time I am introducing Cara Delevingne who is a real life magical witch with witchy Nightcrawler powers whose origin we explain in OH GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER FLASHBACK!!!!!!!

FANCY MILITARY MAN

THIS is your team? An Evil Super-Cavill would massacre them all in seconds. Why are we spending taxpayer money on you?

VIOLA DAVIS

Good point. If only a national disaster would suddenly arise so I could demonstrate my team’s effectiveness.

FANCY MILITARY MAN

Preferably a disaster that isn’t a direct result of you assembling this team making it entirely your fault. Say, how do you control Cara anyway?

VIOLA DAVIS

I have her magical witch heart inside this box. I also got my #2 guy Joel Kinnaman to fall in love with her. He watches Cara's every move so she can never act against me.

JOEL KINNAMAN

(falls asleep)

VIOLA DAVIS

Great, my entire plan is foiled by an Ambien.

CARA becomes EVIL WITCH CARA and awakens her the Destroyer Armour from "Thor" ancient witch brother who we will call, hmm, Little Stevie? Yes, his name is LITTLE STEVIE now.

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

Little Stevie, as long as Viola has my heart I’m weak so I’ll need you to turn everybody into mindless drone soldiers and help me construct a doomsday weapon powered by awkward hula dancing.

LITTLE STEVIE

YES MY SISTER. WAIT DID YOU SAY HULA DANCING? THAT SOUNDS LIKE EIGHT DIFFERENT KINDS OF RIDICULOUS BUT OK BIG SIS.

INT. GUANTANAMO BAY

JOEL assembles WILL, MARGOT, JAI and the rest of the SQUAD.

JAY HERNANDEZ

I’m Diablo, I have the power of poorly choosing to get a face tattoo. Also I’m Johnny Storm.

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

(with mouth full of marbles)

And I am a crocodile monster, or something. My powers are to quietly decorate the background of every scene I’m in.

JOEL KINNAMAN

Alright, that looks like everybody. So your mission is to--

ADAM BEACH

Wait! Surely you saved the best for last! I’m Slipknot and I have the incredible power of rope-assisted climbing! I suppose we should cut to my flashback-- hey wait, why does my copy of the script end right after this senten

(head explodes!!)

JOEL KINNAMAN

Oh right, everyone’s got a bomb in their necks so if you try to run away you die, just in case the Escape From New York parallels weren’t obvious enough.

EXT. NEW CHICAGYORKOPOLIS. THE DC UNIVERSE HAS SO MANY FICTIONAL CITIES I'M SURPRISED THERE'S ANY ROOM LEFT FOR AMERICA.

The SUICIDE SQUAD take a helicopter into the city which EVIL CARA has turned into RACCOON CITY.

JOEL KINNAMAN

Alright guys, our mission is to extract a high value target which will turn out to be Viola in a twist that didn’t really need to be a twist but we’re kinda short on twists so, twist!

MARGOT ROBBIE

But who’s that Asian broad who’s dressed like an Anime blowup doll?

JOEL KINNAMAN

That’s Karen Fukuhara. She has a soul-stealing sword and perhaps the most interesting backstory of us all, but will turn out to be a total non-factor so just forget she’s even here.

KAREN FUKUHARA

(is wallpaper)

JOEL KINNAMAN

Our enemy is based at the massive pillar of light towering over the city. Just like "The Avengers". And the new Ghostbusters. And the last TMNT. Actually you know what? Let's have a great big crossover where we all team up to fight a REALLY big pillar of light. That'll fucking put asses in seats.

Then their plane lands by apparently SHOOTING ITSELF DOWN and the Squad wanders into THE UPSIDE DOWN.

WILL SMITH

It appears Cara has sent her oily cancer-ridden parkour zombies after us. Luckily they can be killed with bullets.

MARGOT ROBBIE

We're being attacked by faceless goons in rubber suits sent by an evil witch! So...this is Power Rangers?

JOEL KINNAMAN

Everyone! We need to make this fight scene as bland and boring as possible! Use as many static shots as you can! Give no impression of how you're fighting as a group! And for the love of God, don't do anything more interesting than stab them!

WILL goes all BIG WILLY STYLE on the CANCER ZOMBIES while ADEWALE, JAI, JOEL and JAY are about a useful as a fifth ASSHOLE.

MARGOT ROBBIE

And I killed some of them with a bat!

WILL SMITH

If only we had brought along the fucking LA Dodgers then Margot and I wouldn’t have had to do most of the work.

Then the team finds themselves wandering into the MOVIE’S TRAILER.

WILL SMITH

Whoa, what the shit is happening?

JOEL KINNAMAN

We’ve entered the part of the city that contains all the reshoot footage to make the movie appear to be not as grimdark and joyless as BvS. Quick Margot, bend over and steal something!

MARGOT ROBBIE

You betcha!

(sells millions of cosplay outfits and Hot Topic merch)

JOEL KINNAMAN

Excellent. Quickly Will, say something catchy set to annoying on the nose pop music!

WILL SMITH

Wubba lubba dub dub!

The other members of the SQUAD also get to demonstrate how interesting and crucial they are to the teamHAHAHAHHA JUST KIDDING we focus on MARGOT some more instead.

INT. A FLASHBACK WRAPPED IN A FLASHBACK DIPPED IN FLASHBACK DRESSING

Pre-Insane MARGOT stands with JARED on a catwalk above a vat of BOILING HORSE SEMEN.

JARED LETO

Really? Another flashback? Is it just me or could we delete all the Joker scenes and it wouldn’t have the slightest impact on the plot?

MARGOT ROBBIE

It’s almost as if The Joker was shoe-horned in for marketing purposes in order to shamelessly cash in on all the good faith Heath’s version built up.

JARED LETO

How DARE you bring up that far better performance! If you love me you’ll fling yourself into that Joker-fying semen!

MARGOT ROBBIE

If I do will it end this flashback?

JARED LETO

God I hope so.

She DOES and JARED leaps after her. The SEMEN melts their clothes, while somehow exfoliating their skin.

INT. VIOLA DAVIS’S BUNKER

The team shows up to extract VIOLA.

VIOLA DAVIS

Finally! Now I want you to get me the fuck out of here before Cara destroys the city.

WILL SMITH

But aren’t you going to make us go stop Cara? Isn't this the whole reason why you assembled the Suicide Squad? To stop dangerous metahumans like her?

VIOLA DAVIS

Fuck THAT shit, I’d rather selfishly get my ass to safety instead. But first I will murder all my loyal assistants because they won't shut up about how much better "Assault on Arkham" is.

WILL SMITH

I guess that means we're not going with the comics' interpretation of Amanda Waller as "World's Smoothest Intelligence Agent".

VIOLA DAVIS

No, but this does fit "Arrow's" interpretation of "inhuman piece of shit".

JOEL KINNAMAN

Enough chitchat! We need to walk Viola to the escape helicopter.

WILL SMITH

Wait, that was it? That was our entire mission? We had to walk Viola upstairs? You couldn't find ANYONE else who could escort her thirty feet?

But JARED steals their helicopter and rescues MARGOT.

JARED LETO

I’ve deactivated her neck bomb with hacking magic so she’s free!

VIOLA DAVIS

Will, I’m hiring you to shoot Margot right in her clown face.

WILL SMITH

Cool. It’s not like I care about her or anything. Sure she’s fit AF and her lipstick is smeared like she gave a dolphin a blowjob, but she means nothing to me.

WILL shoots and MARGOT pretends to be shot, but she’s just FOOLIN’ like the lovable scamp she is!

MARGOT ROBBIE

I played dead because I somehow knew Will wouldn’t shoot me. So long suckas!

But JARED’s plane is shot down and MARGOT joins the team again rendering the last six minutes TOTALLY FUCKING POINTLESS.

VIOLA DAVIS

(sobbing inside)

I am a highly respected actress. What have I done to deserve this? I give up.

(is captured by cancer zombies)

WILL searches the crashed helicopter and finds a phone book-sized DOSSIER on CARA.

WILL SMITH

Joel, you fucker! Why didn’t you tell us Cara was an immortal death machine that you seduced with your wang?

JOEL KINNAMAN

Wait, are we to believe you actually read that entire 5,000 page binder in 1.3 seconds?

WILL SMITH

Turns out my primary metahuman power is speed reading. Well I'm off to the reshoot bar to get shitfaced.

MARGOT ROBBIE

The rest of us are coming with you! Joel can still blow our heads off but what the hell.

KAREN FUKUHARA

I'm a disciplined government agent who's here of her own free will, but I'm also spontaneously abandoning the mission! MILLER TIME!!!

(crushes beer can against her head and steals its soul)

INT. RESHOOT BAR

The SUICIDE SQUAD drowns out all the screams of the city’s citizens getting murdered by EVIL CARA with hard liquor.

WILL SMITH

I'm pretty sure two hours into the movie is WAAAY too late to start the group bonding.

JOEL KINNAMAN

With Viola gone and Cara out of control I’ve decided to destroy my bomb activation app despite it being my only hope of saving the world and WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT???

(hyperventilates)

You guys are free to go.

JAI COURTNEY

(bolts!)

MARGOT ROBBIE

It’s okay, nobody important left. Wow, this is actually a decent little scene where we all get to interact. Hopefully it won’t be spoiled by

ANOTHER!! GODDAMN!!! FLASHBACK!!!!

JAY HERNANDEZ

Turns out I accidentally killed my wife and kids with my flame powers.

WILL SMITH

Why the hell would a woman want to be with a dude covered in tattoos who could flip out and kill her at any moment?

MARGOT ROBBIE

(nervously)

Uh, yeah, what kind of dumbass would be stupid enough to be with a guy like THAT?

(whistles)

JAI COURTNEY

Alright I’m back to help you guys stop Cara and rescue Viola even though this goes completely against my established character.

(throws a boomerang)

Aaaaand that’s the extent of my help.

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE AND KAREN FUKUHARA

(were also in this scene, allegedly)

INT. CARA’S EVIL TRAIN STATION OF DOOM

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while belly dancing)

You’re too late puny mortals! Witness as I destroy humanity with The Whip, followed by The Nae Nae!

WILL SMITH

Hmm, this would be a hell of a time for one of those Justice League jerks to get off their asses and help.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Apparently this isn’t taking place in Gotham, Central City, Metropolis or the ocean so those guys don’t give a solitary fuck.

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while B-Boying)

I will now seduce you all with visions of what you want most. Will, you dream about killing The Batfleck instead of being with your daughter.

WILL SMITH

Wow, I'm an asshole.

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while doing the Electric Slide)

Margot, you dream about settling down with Jared as a housewife with two kids where Jared has lasered off all his tattoos because he works a boring desk job or something.

MARGOT ROBBIE

So basically the fantasy every hoe imagines with her pimp. Gotcha.

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while doing the Carlton Dance)

And Jai, you're in a role where you're not a huge douchebag.

JAI COURTNEY

Yes! Yes!

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while doing the Robot)

And Jay, you wish to have un-flame broiled your family.

JAY HERNANDEZ

Nooo! Must... Resist... Happiness! Wake up everybody! It’s a trick! We can’t let Cara stop us! We’re a family!

WILL SMITH

What? Since when? Didn’t we just meet today and spent all this time either taunting or ignoring each other? How the hell are we a family?

JAY HERNANDEZ

Come on Will! Don’t you remember that time we worked together to break out of that space prison?

WILL SMITH

That was Guardians of the Galaxy dude.

JAY HERNANDEZ

Well what about that time you gave Margot your mask so she wouldn’t suffocate to death?

MARGOT ROBBIE

That was also Guardians of the Galaxy bro.

JAY HERNANDEZ

Well what about that time a tank launched me up into the air and Will caught me and a car broke our fall?

WILL SMITH

THAT WAS FURIOUS 6 MAN!!!!

JAY HERNANDEZ

Fuck! Well I’m determined to atone for my crimes by sacrificing myself so

(becomes Fire Hulk)

(blows self up with Little Stevie)

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while doing the Transylvania Twist)

Now it's time for OUR fight scene!

The SQUAD try to shoot and stab EVIL CARA.

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while doing the Hokey Pokey)

Okay, this is reeeaaally embarrassing. I have unlimited cosmic power and I'm actually trying to swordfight you people.

WILL SMITH

YOU'RE embarrassed? The Suicide Squad comic was famous for its political and social commentary, and I'm trying to shoot a demonic belly dancer.

EVIL CARA magically steals their WEAPONS.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Maybe you should have done that earlier instead of spending five minutes getting repeatedly stabbed and shot in the face?

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(while doing the Macarena)

It’s too late fools! I am THIS CLOSE to triggering my doomsday weapon with awkward pelvic gyrations, but will offer you all one last chance to join me instead of just murdering you all.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I accept! I could be your senior beautician! My specialty is eyebrows!

EVIL CARA DELVIGNE

(doing the Funky Gibbon)

That’s a low blow, Margot. You’ve broken my heart.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I don’t break hearts honey, I STEAL THEM!

(yanks out Cara’s heart)

EVIL CARA DELEVINGNE

(moonwalking)

Argh! My teleporting power would reaaaaally come in handy right about now OOPS FORGOT HOW TO USE IT

(loses all motor control in and around the hip area)

The team blows up her DOOMSDAY MACHINE and crushes her HEART, killing her.

VIOLA DAVIS

Good work team. Yes, I’m still alive. And yes, I’m sending you all right the fuck back to Belle Reve because I'm still a Grade A++ Mega Cunt.

WILL SMITH

Damn, screwed over by the government. Wait, was this meant to be the political commentary?

INT. BELLE REVE

JARED LETO

Hey gents! Turns out I’m still alive too because of course I’m still alive. I’m here to spring Margot.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I've escaped to freedom with my domestic abuser. ...yay?

CREDITS ROLL. JARED LETO gets THIRD BILLING despite only being in the movie for SEVEN MINUTES.

END

INT. POST CREDIT SCENE

VIOLA meets with mid-life-crisis-era BEN AFFLECK.

VIOLA DAVIS

Well Ben, in the wake of your fiasco with Super-Cavill it seems my Suicide Squad has saved the universe. The DC Universe, that is. All it takes is a little bit of fun and a splash of ugly neon pastel colors and everyone will forgive your movie's massive flaws and horrible editing.

BEN AFFLECK

Thanks, Vi. Now if you don't mind, I'll turn this scene into a teaser for "Justice League".

VIOLA DAVIS

But... wasn't the entirety of "Batman v. Superman" already just one big teaser for the "Justice League" movie?

BEN AFFLECK

...fuck.