A DISCLAIMER informs us the film is presented in IPHONE RATIO because that's what art-house shit like THE LIGHTHOUSE and WES ANDERSON does.

FADE IN:

EXT. END OF BATMAN V SUPERMAN

SUPER-CAVILL inspires a young kid by talking about how much he loves Earth SCREAMS REAL LOUD AS HE IS GETTING BRUTALLY KILLED YO

SUPER-CAVILL

(in slow motion)

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH

The SUPER-DEATH-SCREAM carries ALL AROUND THE WORLD and sets the COLOUR SATURATION LEVEL to NEGATIVE A BILLION.

EXT. PART ONE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

BEN AFFLECK rides a HORSE at LORD OF THE RINGS pace to JASON MOMOA'S tiny secluded fishing village.

JASON MOMOA

Grr fuck off Ben! There's no special powered people here, especially not me, the hulking buff guy with glowing eyes!

BEN AFFLECK

Listen, Jesse Fucking Eisenberg was superimposed onto Krypton goop when Super-Cavill died and he saw an evil vision and warned me and I believe him, there, premise established. Join me!

JASON instead chooses to whip off his SWEATER and swim away, ending the scene on a down note as BEN gravely-

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST ALTERNATIVE FOLK GROUP

NAE NAE this is the extended version we're not done yet! We claim Momoa's discarded garments for our collection as we solemnly sing the Soggy Sweater Song!

(singing)

AAAiiiiiEEAAAiiiiiAAAAAiieeeeeee

BEN AFFLECK

(blinks)

EUROVISION FOLK SINGER

eeeAAAIIIiiii iiaaEEEEEEooaaaiii

(snorting Momoa's sweater)

SNRRRRKKKK AWWW YEAH THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT

EXT. VARIOUS SEPIA LOCATIONS

In Kansas DIANE LANE is VERY SAD! Also in Metropolis AMY ADAMS is VERY SAD while carrying EMPTY COFFEE CUPS that are QUITE SAD INDEED!!

INT. LONDON BANK

A group of TERRORISTS led by classic villain HAT GUY have taken HOSTAGES and set a BOMB, but one baddie is caught by the lasso of WONDER GADOT!

WONDER GADOT

Now talk, because you are in my lasso, which makes people talk! Why are you terrorists storming this bank? Why do you have a bomb? What's your plan?

TERRORIST

Nyah ha, I shall talk since I am tied in your lasso of talking! We stormed this bank so we could set off the bomb and create terror, because we are terrorists! Mwah ha ha!

WONDER GADOT

(pause)

So how many of these newly added scenes are just repeating plot points five different ways?

LASSO

I don't think you want to make him answer that.

WONDER GADOT leaps into action with her SUPER-SPEED that would seem to rival SUPER-CAVILL but later DOESN'T, and fires off a BRACELET SHOCKWAVE!!

HAT GUY

Well I bet in THIS version I'm a much more formidable-

(emulsified)

The SHOCKWAVE PULVERIZES the TERRORISTS, DESTROYS half the BANK, and sends GIANT CHUNKS OF BUILDING RAINING DOWN ON THE COPS BELOW, CRUSHING THEM TO BLOODY PULP!

WONDER GADOT

Stay in school kids!

(winks)

EXT. THEMYSCIRA - SUPER SECURE FORTIFIED VAULT WITH GAPING HOLE IN ROOF, GREAT DESIGN CHOICE THERE FOLKS

Meanwhile, AMAZONS are guarding a MOTHERBOX--an incredibly important object that won't be properly identified for another HOUR--when CGIARAN HINDS teleports in with his PARADEMONS!

CGIARAN HINDS

MWAH HA IT IS I, STEPPENWOLF, THE MOST FEARED VILLAIN TO BE NAMED AFTER A LATE-60S CANADIAN ROCK BAND! WITNESS MY NEW IMPROVED SPIKY ARMOUR, THAT RENDERS ME INVINCIBLE AGAINST ANYTHING EXCEPT WOOL CHRISTMAS SWEATERS!

CGIARAN mops the floor and surrounding countryside with the AMAZONS and steals the BOX!

CONNIE NIELSEN

This is gravely serious, the world is in imminent danger. We must warn Gal Gadot!

(pause)

Like, eventually. Maybe after dinner, we gotta get our imminent-danger-warning robes out of storage and whatnot.

Eventually they get around to FIRING a WARNING ARROW to GREECE and GAL uses it to unlock the DARKSEID GIFT SHOP below the SHRINE OF THE AMAZONS, which must have quite an extensive basement if every possible threat has its own special room.

EXT. PART TWO - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

At STAR LABS, head scientist JOE MORTON meets with some military people to deliver exposition to.

JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman_v_Superman:_Dawn_of_Justice#Plot

MILITARY GUY

I see. Well we're terribly concerned about all the staff who've gone missing lately, so keep an eye out for them while we continue to do dick all.

JOE heads home where his son RAY FISHER, the CYBORG, is!

JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Stone_(DC_Extended_Universe)

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Welcome home Dad, hope you're ready for another daily dose of my passive aggressive resentment! Did you remember to pick up milk or a PROPER APOLOGY FOR RUINING MY ENTIRE LIFE?!? No no, don't answer. Instead help me check on the potentially world-ending artifact we keep in the back of a closet.

EXT. ATLANTIS

Meanwhile, AQUA-MOMOA takes a break from filming men's fragrance commercials to do some good old-fashioned THRONE BROODING.

WILLEM DAFOE

(creates air bubble)

I must speak with thee! You cannot renounce your duties, child of two worlds, Atlantean politics, I say!

AQUA-MOMOA

I gotta ask, why does Affleck think it's such a huge deal that I can breathe air? You're doing it right now. We all make air bubbles to talk to each other.

WILLEM DAFOE

I question your dedication to the offscreen political infighting that has zero connection to this story!

AQUA-MOMOA

(sighs)

(holds up bottle of Bad IntenseTM by Diesel)

INT. ABANDONED NUCLEAR FACILITY BAD GUY HQ - RUSSIA - NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE OTHER 7100 RUSSIAN ABANDONED NUCLEAR FACILITY BAD GUY HQS FROM OTHER MOVIES

Meanwhile, CGIARAN HINDS makes an EVIL ZOOM CALL to a dark gritty lavalike being!

CGIARAN HINDS

OH DARKSEID, I have great news! Ahem. "EXT. THEMYSCIRA. Meanwhile, AMAZONS are guarding a MOTHERBOX--an incredibly important object that-"

LAVA GUY

(interrupting)

No, I'm not Darkseid. I'm a different CGI dark gritty lavalike growly-voiced generically pure-evil bad guy, that reports to Darkseid.

CGIARAN HINDS

I thought I was the only CGI growly-voiced generically pure-evil bad guy that reports to Darkseid.

LAVA GUY

Nope, apparently this version needed THREE CGI growly-voiced generically pure-evil bad guys in various shades of grey that either report to, or are, Darkseid.

CGIARAN HINDS

(pause)

Right. Anyway, "EXT. THEMYSCIRA. Meanwhile, AMAZONS are guarding-"

INT. THE BAT-HANGAR

GAL drops by to tell BEN the NEW IMPROVED backstory, now with added DARKSEID!

GAL GADOT

Long ago Darkseid attacked Earth using three motherboxes and the Anti-Life Equation, but was defeated by the combined might of humans, Amazons, Atlanteans, Green Lanterns, the Iron Giant, Back to the Future, and a cartoon of Gerard Butler from 300. Darkseid retreated, leaving behind the boxes and the Equation and he's been searching the Galaxy for them ever since, despite having no reason to think they ever left Earth.

BEN AFFLECK

And I suppose the universe has been safer since then...

GAL GADOT

Well apparently his crew still goes around destroying worlds, so not really? But if CGIaran gets all three boxes we're extra screwed.

BEN AFFLECK

I guess our next move is to help the Atlanteans guard the second motherbox.

GAL GADOT

Nah, fuck them. We could dedicate ourselves to finding the third motherbox guarded by humans?

BEN AFFLECK

(rolls eyes)

BOOOOOORRRRRR-ING. I wanna find more superheroes! Let's find more superheroes.

EXT. PART THREE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

Somewhere in CENTRAL CITY, your friendly neighbourhood EZRA MILLER applies for a job at a DOGGY DAY CARE run by a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.

EZRA MILLER

I know I'm late and my resume is torn and looks like shit but if I talk over you enough can I have the job anyway? Remember, I'm a Nice White Guy!

But outside there is a CAR CRASH involving a MIDDLE-AGED TRUCKER DUDE and a CUTE YOUNG GIRL!

WHIZRA MILLER

OH NOOO! Must activate Speed Force! Must shatter shop window, causing thousands in damages, instead of opening the door which I have plenty of time to do! Must race over to cute young girl, stare at her in mid-air, obsess creepily over her features! Must grab this floating hot dog, HAR HAR, as I continue to leer at her!

(drools)

Oh and I guess save her life.

(saves girl)

(stares at her unconscious face some more)

(stares)

I wonder if that trucker dude is okay or if he smooshed any pedestrians I could have saved.

(shrugs)

(stares)

INT. RAY'S APARTMENT

Meanwhile RAY figures if we're gonna have an entire CYBORG SOLO MOVIE crammed inside this thing we'd better get started. He remembers being a FOOTBALL STAR!

ANNOUNCER

And once again, Ray wins the entire game all by himself! Everyone moving in slow motion probably helped him dodge tackles, but still, Ray is the greatest!! If only his DAD were here to validate things, he has to settle for just his MOM, poor guy! I bet her name's not even Martha!

After the game is a CAR CRASH that KILLS RAY'S MOM and almost HIM TOO, but JOE MORTON saves him using a MOTHERBOX!

RAY'S MOM

Dammit Joe, it's called a MOTHERbox, I'm just saying.

(dies)

RAY-TRACED FISHER

This is all YOUR fault Joe! If YOU'D been driving then you would have instantly died and not been able to save either of us and we'd all be dead oops never mind.

JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyborg_(DC_Comics)#Abilities

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(nods)

I see now. My cybernetics and computer brain lets me fly and control machines and... hack into financial markets? Seems like a bit of a random tangent but okay.

We visit a VIRTUAL SPACE where a giant BULL and BEAR have a FISTFIGHT because ECONOMICS! Then RAY spies on a random WAITRESS who can only afford to live in a SECURITY CAMERA CLEARANCE WAREHOUSE.

RAY PHISHER

After scrutinizing this woman's life 24-7, I deem her worthy of not being poor! And so I use this absurd graphic interface to stretch this small pile of money into a LARGE STACK of money! There, no way will the bank ever reverse this highly suspicious influx of money.

WAITRESS

Don't suppose you'd consider using your god-level financial powers to remedy more wide-reaching systemic causes of inequality?

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(thinks)

Nah, I'm good.

INT. BAD GUY HQ

CGIARAN fires up GOONGLE HANGOUTS to chat with LAVA GUY.

CGIARAN HINDS

Once more, allow me to summarize the events of this part of the story! I used a Mind Spider to learn the Atlantean Motherbox was, shockingly, in Atlantis. Not even Amber Heard's formidable carbonation powers could stop me, so I took it!

LAVA GUY

And I see you've used the two motherboxes to create a large evil dome! Yes, I'm recapping what happened earlier in this same scene!

CGIARAN HINDS

MWAH HA HA HA, remember when I started this call and summarized how

EXT. PART FOUR - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

COMMISSIONER J.K. SIMMONS fires up the BATFLECKSIGNAL!

THE BATFLECK

Hello Commissioner. I've brought along some of my super friends: this is Wonder Gadot, you may remember her from 1984 when we all got to wish our dead parents back to life only to immediately give them up again, which reminds me, THANKS FOR THAT. And this is Whizra Miller, I found him on 4chan.

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(arrives)

Screw you guys, leave me alone! How can I help?

J.K. SIMMONS

Here's a map of where all the kidnappings happened. If we assume that Hinds is keeping his hostages in the exact centre of these points, instead of back at his Russian base or anywhere else on Earth since he can teleport at will-

WONDER GADOT

But THIS spot is underneath a bunch of water, perfect for unlocking our next character slot! Let's go!

The TEAM charges off and rescues the USELESS HOSTAGES who've provided NO INFORMATION by fighting CGIARAN HINDS to a DRAW and then RETREATING, and indeed the plot manages to TREAD WATER JUST ENOUGH to summon AQUA-MOMOA!

INT. BATFLECKCAVE

RAY retrieves his MOTHERBOX from HIS OWN GRAVE where he stashed it, an improvement from BACK OF HIS CLOSET but still not quite FORTRESS-LEVEL, what IS it with humans.

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Now I'll use my TCM chip to show everyone this flashback to WWII, when the Nazis found the motherbox and basically HYDRA-ed it all up. Like most Nazi shit it eventually wound up in an American lab.

JASON MOMOA

And then Joe used it to re-animate you, the SELFISH FUCK, which means...

(group silence)

RAY-TRACED FISHER

...we're all thinking Super-Cavill right? Here, I'll project a cute hologram of him flying to illustrate. And check it out, I can make him breakdance too. Also-

BEN AFFLECK

YES we're all thinking Super-Cavill. Especially because I'm convinced these ancient motherboxes are specifically afraid of a Kryptonian powered-up by Earth atmosphere, an event that had never happened before they went dormant.

WONDER GADOT

(muttering)

not like you already have a teammate who beat the guy who beat darkseid standing right the fuck here

INT. METROPOLIS

Meanwhile AMY ADAMS and DIANE LANE are VERY VERY SAD but in the SAME ROOM! Also DIANE is really CGI HARRY LENNIX which DOES NOT MATTER!

EXT. PART FIVE - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

The mission to revive SUPER-CAVILL is underway!

BEN AFFLECK

Right, we'll start off with the same plan as the theatrical cut: Ray and Ezra will dig up Henry's corpse while Gal and Jason use their super-strength to point and laugh at them. But this time we'll have Gal and Jason LITERALLY stand to one side and have a long-ass conversation just to really drive the point home.

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Then we'll do an elaborate song-and-dance to sneak inside STAR Labs, after which I'll activate the emergency evacuation alarm to get everyone out, making the whole "sneak inside" part pointless.

The plan WORKS and soon, the team reaches the KRYPTONIAN SPACESHIP where they dump HENRY CAVILL into KRYPTO-GOOP!

WONDER GADOT

Just to be clear, if we don't activate this last motherbox, Hinds has no way of finding it. So if Ray flies into orbit and then hurls the box into deep space...

THE BATFLECK

We need Super-Cavill back dammit, for various meta-reasons! Now let's do the thing where Ray plugs into the ship and Ezra creates a huge zappy migraine-inducing energy field and-

EXT. METROPOLIS

BUT REALLY FOLKS AMY ADAMS IS SOOOOO SAAAAD

INT. SPACESHIP

THE BATFLECK

-it should reanimate Henry! Here we go!

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(plugging into ship)

Uh-oh gang, I just got a horrible premonition of the future since that's our very favourite source of character motivation. I see Darkseid murdering all of us, and all this continuity being ditched, and DC forever playing catch-up while Marvel continues to build on its 10-year head start, and

But RAY'S warning is TOO LATE! WHIZRA activates the BOX which activates SUPER-CAVILL, but he is CONFUSED!

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Oh crap, my auto-defences are gonna attack him! Weird that my auto-defences didn't take over when a parademon was right outside my window, or at the presence of other superbeings I didn't know yet.

(fires!)

A HUGE FIGHT breaks out where SUPER-CAVILL basically STOMPS THE CRAP OUT OF THE REST OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, just to remind everyone who is BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN and who are the E-STREET BAND. He prepares to incinerate BATFLECK but-

AMY ADAMS

(appearing)

Wait Henry it's me! I'm so sad! Look how sad I am!

SUPER-CAVILL

I... remember you. Empty coffee cups. Yes. So what's the situation?

THE BATFLECK

We just activated a beacon that's gonna summon our arch-enemy any moment and only you can defeat him. So if you wouldn't mind hanging around a few minutes--

SUPER-CAVILL

NO NOT YET FIRST I MUST FIND MYSELF

(grabs Amy)

PERHAPS FINDING MYSELF INSIDE THIS HUMAN FEMALE WOULD HELP

(flies away)

With impeccable comic timing CGIARAN appears, but JOE MORTON takes the MOTHERBOX to an experimental chamber in the lab, and locks himself inside the chamber as he activates it!

JOE MORTON

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Manhattan#Origins

CHAMBER

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LOL#Nope

JOE zaps the BOX a bit but gets OBLITERATED! CGIARAN HINDS vanishes with the BOX while the others console RAY.

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Finally I can switch from hating Joe to rage-grieving Joe, hate and rage being the two emotions of the Snyderverse! ARRGHHH wait a sec... I just realized, he was making the box super-hot so it would show up on a satellite scan!

THE BATFLECK

And I own a bunch of satellites! Which for whatever reason could NOT detect a giant evil death-dome appearing in an otherwise deserted part of Russia.

EXT. PART SIX - "A RANDOM PHRASE FROM THIS PART"

Having located the BAD GUY HQ, our heroes strategize.

RAY-TRACED FISHER

Hinds is about to merge the boxes to destroy Earth. But if I can get inside, I can take them apart again before they synchronize.

WONDER GADOT

So before they synchronize, we need to help you take them apart from the inside.

THE BATFLECK

I can get you inside Ray, as long as you can take the boxes apart before synchronization.

AQUA-MOMOA

Remember, none of that matters unless Ray can get inside the boxes before they synchronize to take them apart.

WHIZRA MILLER

Inside the take boxes Ray synchronize apart them!

RAY-TRACED FISHER

(nods)

Sounds like a plan.

EXT. KENT FAMILY FARM

Meanwhile HENRY CAVILL has been flying around, visiting landmarks from his past while the Earth is about to die, but EVEN MORE this time.

HENRY CAVILL

I really must make the best possible fashion choice for when I swoop in to save the day at the last second. Don't want to throw on any old thing... plus I need something that says grittier, darker, Snyderier. Hmm.

(holds up sparkly purple ensemble)

Hmm.

(finds ultra-drab black-grey suit)

THERE we go, this will clearly indicate to the League I'm all back to my normal self!

EXT. DESERTED RADIOACTIVE RUSSIA

RAY makes AFFLECK'S BUSTED SHIP rich enough to FLY and they all land outside BAD GUY HQ.

THE BATFLECK

I'm so glad I finally assembled this team. Right, the first step is I attack all by myself and you wait here.

BATFLECK takes out the SHIELD DOME and leads some PARADEMONS on a merry chase in his BATFLECKMOBILE!

THE BATFLECK

Ha ha! These assholes might have laid waste to thousands of planets defended by legions of heroes, but they've never faced a middle-aged guy with a cool car!!

(kicks absurd amount of ass)

BATTLE IS JOINED! WONDER GADOT and AQUA-MOMOA frag tons of PARADEMONS while RAY works his way to the BOXES and WHIZRA runs really really fast to create energy for RAY!

RANDOM PARADEMON

Wow look at that homogenous blur circling our HQ. Might as well take a random shot-

(rolls natural 20)

(hits Whizra's leg!)

Oh, NOICE!

(killed)

CGIARAN HINDS goes to murder RAY but his axe is blocked by... SUPER-CAVILL (AMEX BLACK CARD EDITION)!

SUPER-CAVILL

I'd have arrived sooner but needed to check in on Jeremy Irons first, he hasn't even been mentioned so far. So is it time for me to clown this fool?

But the BOXES SYNCHRONIZE and open a portal to DARKSEID and release an EARTH-VAPORIZING EXPLOSION that KILLS EVERYONE OH SHIT!

DARKSEID

MWAH HA HA, AT LONG LAST I HAVE FOUND THE MOTHERBOXES I KNEW THE LOCATION OF ALL ALONG! AS WELL AS THE ANTILIFE EQUATION THAT I ALSO KNEW WAS HERE ALL ALONG! OH AND THERE'S MY GLASSES I HAD THEM PUSHED UP ON MY HEAD, HOLY CRAP, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY KEYS

WHIZRA MILLER

Well this sucks. Guess I'll just have to run faster than light and rewind time, which will include reversing my leg injury thus allowing me to run faster than light in the first place.

(does so)

WOW that's a hell of a cheat code, take that Christopher Reeve! And with absolutely no downside I can just do this all the time, bye-bye suspense!

With everyone UNVAPORIZED, they pull apart the MOTHERBOXES and SAVE EARTH!

AQUA-MOMOA

Now for the final blow against Hinds!

(skewers!)

SUPER-CAVILL

Fuck you I'M gonna land the final deathmurderblow!

(pummels!)

WONDER GADOT

Remember when I was throwing mall crooks into piles of teddy bears?

(beheads!)

DARKSEID

Poop. I guess me and my enormous army COULD charge through the portal right now, but instead I shall dramatically walk away down this 2-mile-long platform for the next week or so.

Our heroes WIN! Everyone climbs the nuclear reactor tower so they can all GAZE AT THE HORIZON together for funsies.

WONDER GADOT

So by teaming up, our good unity defeated the evil Motherbox unity! Yay-slash-boo-hiss for Unity!

THE BATFLECK

Glad to have you back, Henry, but ah, black capes are MY thing.

(pointed stare)

EXT. EPILOGUE

RAY reverses the flow of entropy on the cassette tape of JOE MORTON he smashed, because it's ELECTRONIC you see.

JOE MORTON

(on tape)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atom_(Ryan_Choi)

RAY-TRACED FISHER

And so we all merrily resumed our lives, and somehow STILL managed never to mention how we explained Clark Kent being alive again.

(shrugs)

The FOUR-HOUR-LONG MOVIE ends with an EXTENDED TRAILER REEL for a bunch of imaginary sequels that will never happen, featuring ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY IN THE DCEU except ANY TITLE CHARACTERS FROM GOOD MOVIES.

JOKER LETO

(blows self, blurrily)

THE BATFLECK

Bat-F-bomb!

EVIL SUPER-CAVILL

This was more fun when 22 Jump Street did it.

FINALLY THE END, HALLELUJAH