The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. DARK, GRITTY-LOOKING OFFICE
EDWARD NORTON is yet another protaganist that works in an office. His face is not yet destroyed.
BOSS
I suck.
EDWARD NORTON
God I hate life. I can't sleep or eat or fuck or anything.
EDWARD goes to some support groups.
INT. DARK, GRITTY-LOOKING SUPPORT GROUP
He meets MEAT LOAF.
EDWARD NORTON
Nice tits, Loaf.
MEAT LOAF
Dammit, this appearance was a mistake. Now people are not going to take me seriously as an actor or musician. Er, wait..
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I'm horny. And majorly fucked up in the head.
EDWARD NORTON
We're perfect for each other.
INT. DARK, GRITTY-LOOKING ABANDONED HOUSE OF BRAD PITT
BRAD PITT
I hate being simply a consumer. I feel like revolting against my role.
EDWARD NORTON
Let's smoke a shitload of pot.
KEVIN SPACEY
I just did that when I revolted against my role. Pick something else.
BRAD PITT
Wait, I have an idea.
BRAD kicks EDWARD in the nuts.
EDWARD NORTON
THAT WAS FUCKING GREAT!
They beat the holy hell out of each other. Others join in. The AUDIENCE is drenched with testosterone.
AUDIENCE
HELL YES! FUCKIN RIGHT! VIOLENCE! BLOOD! GOD DAMN YES!!!
BRAD PITT starts FUCKING THE HELL out of HELENA!
AUDIENCE
GOD FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!
(tears apart clothes)
ROAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!!
DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER
Wait wait, notice the subtle dark satire. I'm cleverly showing that consumerism and conformit--
AUDIENCE
SHUT UP!! ROARR!!
(rips Fincher in half)
WHERE ARE SOME FUCKING GUNS?! I WANNA JOIN A FIGHT CLUB RIGHT FUCKING NOW! WHERE DO I SIGN UP AND HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?!
EDWARD NORTON
You people are totally missing the point here.
BRAD PITT
And it's a damn good thing, too. You think this movie had any shot at being number one without featuring my abs and massive amounts of violence?
EDWARD NORTON
Good point.
He smacks PITT in the face.
EDWARD NORTON
Time to Beat Joe Black...
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Wait! It's been a while since a female of any sort has had any screen time. Here I am.
EDWARD NORTON
Oh, hey. I guess I could empty my cum into you. Need to unload somewhere...
BRAD PITT
Lemme put my sex into her once yer done.
FUCKING happens. HELENA, having performed her duty as the sex trash-can, leaves. The fighting continues.
SUDDENLY, something happens which makes the AUDIENCE need to rethink the entire film.
AUDIENCE
Wait a minute..shit, now I have to see the movie a second time.
FINCHER'S UPPER BODY
Yes, yes, see it again. Spend, spend, spend! Ha ha ha!
END