FADE IN:

The MARVEL STUDIOS LOGO, with updated clips for MAXIMUM EMOTIONAL IMPACT, now includes new sequences like that time CHRIS EVANS and a hammer sent entire movie theatres into COMPLETE AND UTTER MELTDOWN.

EXT. EPISODE 1 - "YES, YOUR SCREEN IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT"

Blissful newlyweds ELIZABETH OLSEN and PURPAUL BETTANY drive into a SMALL, UNASSUMING TOWN probably inhabited by TOTALLY INSIGNIFICANT CITIZENS whose wellbeing no one will give two shits about.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

So we're totally a married couple now, even though people never saw our wedding, or knew that we were engaged, or ever really understood why we fell for each other in the first place...

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

But what's important is that we have a cheeky little theme tune to get stuck in everyone's heads in precisely three seconds.

KRISTEN ANDERSON-LOPEZ AND BOBBY LOPEZ (O.S.)

And you schmucks thought "Let It Go" was catchy...

INT. DICK VAN DYKE'S KITCHEN

A still blissful and still newlywed PURPAUL and ELIZABETH are busy conforming to the STIFLING GENDER NORMS of the fifties.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Have I ever told you how much I adore that indestructible head of yours, honey? And no, this is not at all a thinly-veiled attempt to gloss over my unresolved trauma from your recent death.

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

My recent what now?

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

(nose scrunches adorably)

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

(smitten, oblivious)

Well, I'm off to work at my vague, sort of computer-based job, because I, too, am a vague sort of computer.

PURPAUL is about to head out the door when ELIZABETH interrupts him.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Aren't you forgetting something, dear?

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

Ah yes, of course!

He sprinkles some fairy dust and transforms into PAUL BETTANY!

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

That's better! Have a splendid day washing dishes, darling!

(blows kiss)

PAUL makes like a tree and leaves. One SITCOM SECOND later, there's a knock at the door.

MONOCHROMATIC KATHRYN HAHN

Hiya Lizzie! Don't mind me, letting myself in and making myself at home and just generally doing some good 'ol nosy neighborly stuff.

(plants a bug beneath ELIZABETH'S lampshade)

(reads ELIZABETH'S diary)

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Oh yay, another named female character! Five minutes in and we’re already about to pass the Bechdel Test.

MONOCHROMATIC KATHRYN HAHN

(understanding the assignment)

(real line)

So what's a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Well, I WAS intending to find a healthy way to cope with the grief of losing everyone I love, but I dunno, taking an unsuspecting town hostage felt more flashy.

(shrugs)

MONOCHROMATIC KATHRYN HAHN

Isn't that supposed to be a mystery?

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Well there's no way fans are gonna sit around watching us make outdated quips in period-accurate costumes for three whole episodes, no matter how gosh darn charming it all is—

(spots a Disney sniper lurking in the bushes)

OH RIGHT forget I said anything ha ha ha silly brainless housewife me!

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

(collectively laughs uncomfortably)

INT. GENERIC OFFICE BUILDING

PAUL is busy being a WORLD-CLASS PRO at his job that he could probably do from home, let's be real, when he gets approached by his boss, FRED MELAMED.

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

Now THAT'S a chokeable face if I've ever seen one.

MONOCHROMATIC FRED MELAMED

I'm here because it's time for HILARIOUS SITCOM SHENANIGAN #1! My name is supposedly a clue that today is a VERY SPECIAL DAY.

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

Splendid! Does that mean my Amazon package is finally set to arrive?!

PAUL goes to call ELIZABETH right in the MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY to tell her the good news.

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

(into an old phone receiver)

Lizzie, my love, my silicon cupcake liners are en route!

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN (O.S.)

(over the phone)

Paul, sweetheart, Kathryn here just reminded me that we better get to the babymaking ASAP before viewers lose interest.

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

Tell them they're one episode early. Also, FRED and DEBRA JO RUPP are demanding we feed them tonight, so maybe we should sort out the mechanics of that other stuff tomorrow.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN (O.S.)

(in an evening gown with a more modest neckline than any female superhero costume)

Why not kill two birds with one stone?

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

(only hearing half of what ELIZABETH is saying, which is actually better than most husbands, amiright?)

I agree, a poultry entree sounds like a marvelous dinner idea. See you tonight, my love!

INT. DICK VAN DYKE'S LIVING ROOM

ELIZABETH and PAUL and DEBRA and FRED get tangled up in a series of WACKY MISUNDERSTANDINGS before ELIZABETH remembers that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

MONOCHROMATIC FRED MELAMED

(shovelling in a forkful of silver dollar pancakes)

So when'd you two first bone?

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?

(chokes him within an inch of his life)

MONOCHROMATIC DEBRA JO RUPP

I skipped the table read and now I forget my lines.

(glances at smudged ink on her palm)

Oh right. Stop it!

(repeats herself until it gets weird)

MONOCHROMATIC FRED MELAMED

(gagging)

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

(buffs her nails)

(fluffs her perm)

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

(sits on his hands doing fuck all while FRED continues choking)

I have absolutely no idea how to handle this shift in power dynamic.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

(finally looks up from scrolling through Tumblr)

Paul, help him.

PAUL finally springs into action, phasing through FRED'S throat to retrieve a rogue strawberry(?).

MONOCHROMATIC FRED MELAMED

As a thank you for your wife not killing me, Paul, here's a pay raise, which is somehow not the most arbitrary reason I've granted a promotion before.

FRED and DEBRA narrowly escape the madhouse, leaving PAUL and ELIZABETH to turn in for the night. With his remaining fairy dust, PAUL reverts back to PURPAUL!

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

We should probably say something memorable and snappy right now.

(recalls literally any clip of "WANDAVISION" promo footage)

Ah yes.

(actual line)

We are an unusual couple, you know?

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

(actual line)

Oh I don't think that was ever in question.

A hexagonal shape DON'T LOOK TOO MUCH INTO IT closes around this TOTALLY NORMAL married couple, and then suddenly the ASPECT RATIO switches to STANDARD CINEMATIC WIDESCREEN.

KAT DENNINGS'S COLORIZED RIGHT HAND

How much do I get paid for this?

It takes 22 AGONIZING MINUTES, but the duo's TRUE ANTAGONIST is FINALLY revealed.

'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN

Who, me?

(cackles maniacally)

EXT. EPISODE TWO - "YEP, STILL GRAYSCALE, DEAL WITH IT"

PURPAUL and ELIZABETH are seconds away from testing out his DENSITY-CHANGING ABILITIES when the DISNEY+ CENSORS start pounding on the bedroom window.

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

Not cool, guys.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Let's just magically push our beds together and everyone will fill in the gaps themselves.

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

Using magic to solve minor inconveniences? Why didn't we think of that before?!

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

There's gonna be a lot more where that came from.

(looks directly at the camera)

(wiggles her nose)

CUT TO:

EXT. ANIMATED BEWITCHED-STYLE OPENING SEQUENCE

Just when everyone's finally managed to forget the fifties tune, we hear an even more addictingly brainless jingle.

LOPEZ FAMILY CHORUS (O.S.)

Wanda-Vision, Wa-WandaVision.

(plays on endless loop until society has crumbled and rats have overtaken the Earth)

INT. BEWITCHED LIVING ROOM

PURPAUL and ELIZABETH are cramming for the TALENT SHOW.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

This is our most challenging obstacle yet, so listen closely, Paul. In order to FIT IN here, NO ONE can discover our superpowers...so we're gonna do a magic act and PRETEND we suck at it.

MONOCHROMATIC PURPAUL BETTANY

(perplexed)

...Or we could just sing a duet or something, avoiding any magic altogether?

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

I bought myself this glitzy leotard and I'm gonna WEAR IT, dammit!

(smiles brightly)

EXT. SASSY BITCHES POOLSIDE CLUBHOUSE

EMMA CAULFIELD FORD and other SASSY BITCHES gather around the pool to humiliate ELIZABETH.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

(face full of sugar cookies)

This is gonna turn into a meme, isn't it?

MONOCHROMATIC KATHRYN HAHN

(shamelessly day drinking)

Already has, hon.

MONOCHROMATIC TEYONAH PARRIS

(yanking off her "Hi my name is Monica Rambeau" name tag)

Hi Lizzie! I don't know what's going on but you're wearing pants, so I can only assume you're totally harmless and clearly the smartest among us!

MONOCHROMATIC EMMA CAULFIELD FORD

I'm a tad bit too famous AND too self-aware to just be a one-off cameo, right?

WANDAVISION WRITERS ROOM

(avoiding EMMA'S pointed gaze)

MONOCHROMATIC EMMA CAULFIELD FORD

Ah shit, I'm totally gonna be the scapegoat for wild fan speculation, aren't I?

INT. DUDEBROS LIBRARY MEETING

PAUL is in the LIBRARY with all the same DUDEBROS he also happens to work with because limited casting in a sitcom is a thing, y'all.

MONOCHROMATIC DAVID LENGEL

We are gathered here today to engage in a civilized debate pertaining to the topic of whether chewing gum — strong emphasis on the word CHEWING, Paul — is considered 'food'. Please discuss.

PAUL gets offered a big, juicy piece of HILARIOUS SITCOM SHENANIGAN #2.

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

Must-remain-focused-on-neighborhood-safety... Eh, screw it. Might as well get paid to "act" wasted while I still can.

PAUL tries to swallow and then immediately chokes on the piece of CHEWING gum and oh geez, are we gonna choke someone every episode?

MONOCHROMATIC PAUL BETTANY

(slurring)

Somehow this gimmick is meant for lols now, whereas it made everyone shit their pants when it happened to Fred at dinner.

(operates heavy machinery)

(invests in a startup)

(texts his ex)

EXT. CULT MEETING, I MEAN, TALENT SHOW

A very gum-drunk PAUL is seconds away from spoiling ELIZABETH'S carefully calculated plan for PTA DOMINATION.

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

Dammit Paul, get it together! Emma may have just suffered massive colorized blood loss, but I still think she trusts that I'm just the victim in all this.

ELIZABETH with no help from PAUL totally nails the magic performance and IS SOMEONE GONNA GET DAVID HIS GRANDMOTHER'S PIANO BACK??

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET PAST CURFEW

ELIZABETH and PURPAUL are lured outside to investigate the unwelcome introduction of WELL-MEANING SWORD AGENT JUST DOING HIS JOB INCONSIDERATE JACKASS TRESPASSER emerging from a manhole dressed as a beekeeper...?

MONOCHROMATIC ELIZABETH OLSEN

(real interview response)

"No" is full sentence.

(drops mic)

INT. BEWITCHED LIVING ROOM

As a special treat, ELIZABETH decides to splurge on color TV and a side of immaculate conception.

TECHNICOLOR PURPAUL BETTANY

I'm totally the father!

TECHNICOLOR ELIZABETH OLSEN

Welllll....

'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN

Miss me, bitches?

EXT. EPISODE 3 - "AND YOU THOUGHT SIXTIES HUMOR WAS UNINSPIRED"

A VERY OBVIOUSLY PREGNANT ELIZABETH cavorts around town with PAUL for the convenient length of YET ANOTHER catchy opening sequence, before facing off against misogynistic DR. OGLESBY.

DR. RANDY OGLESBY

Yep, that's my real name — you can't make this shit up. Lizzie, you absolutely only have ONE baby in there, which I know because I am a COMPLETELY COMPETENT physician.

FETAL JULIAN HILLIARD AND JETT KLYNE

(whispering from the womb)

Somehow, we doubt that.

INT. BRADY BUNCH LIVING ROOM

ELIZABETH and PURPAUL get a montage of building cribs and changing diapers and decorating the nursery and debating baby names and IT'S JUST REALLY FRICKIN CUTE, OKAY? LET THEM HAVE THIS.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

So glad to see we're upholding the expectation that women remain supremely glamorous whilst being hugely pregnant.

(cradles belly adoringly)

PURPAUL BETTANY

Your pregnancy appears to be accelerating even faster than the typical sitcom rate, which means we're running out of time for actual plot development before the baby comes!

Suddenly all the lights and appliances start going TOTALLY APESHIT, and if THIS doesn't convince people it's ALL ELIZABETH'S DOING, WHO KNOWS what will.

PURPAUL BETTANY

This seems like the perfect time to put my not-at-all-retconned super speed to good use.

(speeds off in a blur of poor fashion sense)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Super speed? Say, that reminds me...

TEYONAH PARRIS

(groovily rings doorbell)

Did someone call for a stereotypical sassy black best friend?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Uh no, actually...

TEYONAH PARRIS

(groovily ignores her)

Say, Lizzie, you wouldn't happen to have a bucket of more nuanced BIPOC characterization for me to borrow, would ya?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

This is the seventies - lower your expectations, sister. Also, if you could kindly avert your gaze from my watermelon-sized belly, even though I just spent the entire theme song very clearly baby shopping out in public, that'd be swell!

TEYONAH PARRIS

(groovily saunters into the kitchen)

Of course, HILARIOUS SITCOM SHENANIGAN #3, how could I forget?

EXT. CONCRETE FENCE - WTF WHO HAS A CONCRETE FENCE?!

PAUL is outside savoring his last taste of life as an untethered man, when he notices his NEIGHBOR acting about as strange an anyone who's been trapped in a grief-stricken witch's mind for the last 72 hours would.

DAVID PAYTON

(whistling)

(chainsawing through the fence)

Whoop de do, please take this as another EXPLICIT INDICATOR that shit is MESSED UP in this town.

(pauses)

Or maybe I just have really crappy depth perception. Who's to say?

PAUL BETTANY

It'd sure be handy if I could somehow awaken these clearly-trapped townspeople and unearth their suppressed personalities to aid in my understanding of this situation.

WANDAVISION WRITERS ROOM

Write that down, write that down!

INT. BRADY BUNCH LIVING ROOM - YES, THE DECOR IS STILL ATROCIOUS

A nearly-crowning ELIZABETH can control an entire town but can't seem to slow the miracle of childbirth in time for PAUL'S return, so thank goodness TEYONAH'S still around!

TEYONAH PARRIS

Unlike that hack Dr. Oglesby, as a woman, I inherently understand the medical complexities of executing a safe childbirth. I think.

(pauses)

I mean, I watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy", which basically counts, right?

TEYONAH conveniently conceals ELIZABETH'S bottom half just behind a couch because this isn't "KNOCKED UP" and no one needs to see that shit IRL.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(doing her best SALT N' PEPPA impression)

Ahh, push it, push it real good.

ELIZABETH expels a fully-formed infant from her concealed nether regions seconds before PAUL and DR. OGLESBY burst in.

PAUL BETTANY

(disappointingly late for his son's birth)

Probably shouldn't have stopped for tacos on the way home, huh?

ELIZABETH then magically conjures a second newborn, because why not?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

And to think we almost had to compromise on the name!

PAUL and ELIZABETH share a CUTE FAMILY MOMENT before the reality of parenting kicks in, and then PAUL ditches her once again to transport useless DR. OGLESBY back home, leaving TEYONAH to help babysit.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Wow do you have twins in the family or something?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(recalls her "AGE OF ULTRON" Blu-ray still in the original packaging)

Shit, you're right — I'M a twin! It's been so long since anyone acknowledged Aaron's existence, I totally forgot about him.

KEVIN FEIGE (O.S.)

Oh right, that guy. It's probably too late to get him for this show, huh? Time for Plan B, I guess.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(probing)

So...that metallic dude James Spader totally murdered your brother back in 2015, didn't he?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(channeling CARL LUMBLY in "THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER")

GET. OUT. OF MY. HOUSE!

CUT TO:

ELIZABETH is watching over her babies with serial killer eyes, when a visibly shaken PURPAUL returns home.

PURPAUL BETTANY

Lizzie, darling, what's that Teyonah-shaped hole doing in the side of our house?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(grins sadistically)

Oh, no reason...

CUT TO:

Just outside of town, we watch a severely-concussed TEYONAH burst through a GLITCHY FORCE FIELD and tumble onto the grass next to a mysterious BASE CAMP.

'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN

Oh you like that, huh? You wanna know more?

(flashes peace sign)

See ya in a week, suckers!

EXT. EPISODE 4 - "FINALLY SOME NORMAL MARVEL SHIT"

An INTENSE CLOSE-UP shows pieces of dust rematerializing into PRESENT-DAY TEYONAH!

TEYONAH PARRIS

Surprise! Here's a devastating flashback to what REALLY happened when Robert Downey Jr. decided to prioritize the life of his child over the rest of the world, that prick.

DR. BAD NEWS

Yer mom's dead, kid.

LASHANA LYNCH (O.S.)

Wow, thanks for nothing.

(jumps ship to join the "BOND" franchise)

TEYONAH PARRIS

Oh yeah, Lashana's my mom! What a great twist that NO ONE saw coming, right?!

2019 SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON AUDIENCE OF THOUSANDS

Umm...

INT. SHIELD HYDRA SWORD HEADQUARTERS

TEYONAH POWERWALKS in her POWERSUIT to the front desk to prove just how POWERFUL she is.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Look, my dead mom started this whole operation, so you should definitely know who I am and let me in. Plus, do you really wanna see what a powerful woman with unprocessed grief can do when provoked?

JOSH STAMBERG

(swoops in at precisely the right moment)

You might as well call me Dick right off the bat. I'm only keeping up this 'nice older white guy' facade for the next half hour.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Hey Josh, long time no see. As in, I was just non-existent for five years and I haven't seen you since my mom was alive, which is something I've DEFINITELY devoted enough time to properly grieving, thank you for asking. Anything I missed around here?

JOSH STAMBERG

Besides the fact that I've wrestled control from and undermined the entire mission statement of your dead mom, redirected our resources towards pissing off overpowered aliens as if I DIDN'T watch any news over the last five years, and am harboring the 3 billion dollar carcass of a forgotten Avenger in the back room...Nope, not really.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Great! Let's talk about astronauts!

JOHN KRASINKI (O.S.)

Did someone say "Fantastic Four"?

TEYONAH PARRIS

....? No?...Way to jump to irrational conclusions, dude. No one's thinking that, right?...

WANDAVISION WRITERS ROOM

(reading endless online comments and REDDIT threads)

(sweating)

INT. DOUCHEY DIRECTOR'S DEN

JOSH has lured TEYONAH into his private office to present her with a big, unwanted DEMOTION.

TEYONAH PARRIS

So let me get this straight — you want me to take a field trip with my remote-control helicopter?

JOSH STAMBERG

Look, we gotta move this thing along, so just go with it, okay?

EXT. NEW JERSEY TOWN OF INNOCENT BYSTANDERS

TEYONAH takes a wee little road trip down to NOWHERE IMPORTANT, NJ to meet up with THAT FBI DUDE who idolizes PAUL RUDD.

RANDALL PARK

(magically produces a business card out of thin air)

Yes, I now have the most riveting character arc in the entire MCU.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(unimpressed)

I'm ready to get sucked into this.

(touches the glitchy barrier)

(literally gets sucked in)

RANDALL PARK

(hopelessly alone)

Was it something I said?

EXT. IMPROMPTU BASE CAMP

That random glasses chick from "THOR" DR. KAT DENNINGS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH arrives on the scene to science the shit of this whole situation.

KAT DENNINGS

To do this, I'm gonna need a TV, a futon, and an endless supply of chips and coffee.

JOSH STAMBERG

Seriously, who hired her?

KAT DENNINGS

(solves the problem in two seconds flat)

(immediately starts bingeing "WANDAVISION" like the rest of us chumps)

You were saying?

INT. CONSPIRACY THEORY WHITEBOARD ROOM

RANDALL and KAT finally take a break from their "WANDAVISION" marathon to actually do some investigating.

KAT DENNINGS

Wow, Elizabeth clearly didn't budget for A-list actors in her show.

RANDALL PARK

I hope no one looks too closely at this wall with a BIG STINKING CLUE about Kathryn's true identity on it.

Suddenly, a cup of INSTANT NOODLES meets its unfortunate demise.

KAT DENNINGS

RIP lunch. Also, I see Teyonah onscreen, which I guess was technically the whole reason for this team-up in the first place.

Several hours pass. KAT and RANDALL are on their 53rd consecutive episode when suddenly, the scene skips past TEYONAH'S disappearance.

KAT DENNINGS

Crap, I think we just missed something. I'm gonna rewind a bit and try it again, maybe it's just buffering...

(foolishly tries again, nothing changes)

RANDALL PARK

This is just like that time my grandma paused the VCR during "Titanic" so that it wouldn't record the car scene for me.

The PLOT ADVANCEMENT ALARM suddenly starts wailing, and KAT and RANDALL hurry outside to investigate. The aspect ratio then sinisterly widens to reveal 1970s ELIZABETH and TEYONAH in a TENSE STANDOFF.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(completely over TEYONAH'S bullshit)

You're not my neighbor, the Hot Topic necklace gives it away.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(notices her SWORD necklace for the very first time, realizes her cover is blown)

I really shoulda seen this coming.

(gets slammed through four walls and DAMMIT MARVEL, THAT'S PRETTY CLEVER)

Another second too late, PURPAUL bursts through the door.

PURPAUL BETTANY

Lizzie, I'm starting to worry this is all your doing.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Who, me?

PERISHED BETTANY

(troublingly unaware of the gaping hole in his forehead)

Yes, you.

LATE NIGHT DISNEY+ AUDIENCE

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!

(has a collective heart attack at 12AM PST)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Eh, screw it. You're right.

(real line)

I have everything under control.

CUT TO:

TEYONAH PARRIS

(mostly incoherent, lying in a field)

This is definitely Lizzie's fault, in case you STILL couldn't tell.

REDDITORS

Nice try, now where's Mephisto?

'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN

(stringing everyone along)

Just you wait…

EXT. EPISODE 5 - "THIS ONE IS REALLY IMPORTANT, OKAY? DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU"

ELIZABETH and PAUL are failing to pacify their screaming twins and HARDCORE REGRETTING that whole 'merging the beds' thing from a few weeks back.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

As a magical witch, this parenting thing should be a snap, right?

WAILING TWIN BABIES

(crying hysterically)

Evidently, not so much.

KATHRYN HAHN

(on a break from the "PHYSICAL" music video shoot)

Something's not right with those babies.

The WAILING TWIN BABIES magically morph into TROUBLING TWIN TODDLERS and everyone's only minorly perturbed by it.

PAUL BETTANY

Certainly not the weirdest thing I've seen this week.

CUT TO:

EXT. MELODRAMATIC BALLAD WITH A HORRIFYING BABY PURPAUL FACESWAP EXPERIMENT GONE WRONG

AUDIENCE

(traumatized by BABY PURPAUL staring deep into their souls)

You can't unsee that.

INT. FAMILY TIES KITCHEN

The twins are trying to conceal their new dog, EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION MUTT, from their parents.

PAUL BETTANY

(bitter)

Gee, thanks for making a major family decision without me, darling.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(smirks)

Don't forget whose name comes first in the title, honey.

(pauses)

Also, I've decided that Kathryn's basically the overbearing aunt now.

KATHRYN HAHN

(cuddling the mutt)

Oh you're so cute, I could just hug you to death!

EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION MUTT

(panics)

INT. IMPROMPTU BASE CAMP TEAM MEETING

TEYONAH is back from her guest starring gig, giving RANDALL and KAT ample opportunity to fangirl.

KAT DENNINGS

Teyonah, I just think you're the coolest, most impressive person in this entire operation, and also, you're one aberrant dose of radiation away from getting superpowers, so you probably shouldn't go back through that barrier anytime soon...

(pauses, reconsiders)

Unless you're into that sorta thing.

JOSH STAMBERG

Here's a handy "Age of Ultron" recap because we know no one actually watched it.

RANDALL PARK

That was the most blatant retconning since people decided that Tom was the kid at Robert's tech expo.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Look people, Lizzie is scary as shit and we should all take her VERY SERIOUSLY and avoid doing anything that might provoke her. Understood?

JOSH STAMBERG

(coerces an underling to fire a massive drone at ELIZABETH's family)

Sorry, you were saying?

EUROPEAN OLSEN

(thick, unidentifiable accent)

Oh no you did NOT.

(brainwashes soldiers to aim their guns at JOSH)

Here's a Magneto homage for all those suckers still expecting mutants to show up.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Lizzie, maybe we could, I dunno, chat, grieving gal to grieving gal?

EUROPEAN OLSEN

Nice try. See ya in hell, Teyonah.

REDDITORS

Hell? Mephisto confirmed???

INT. CLUNKY COMPUTER CONFERENCE ROOM

Meanwhile, oblivious to the fact that his family very nearly got obliterated by a drone just now, PAUL busies himself discovering the vast wonders of ELECTRONIC MAIL with his coworkers.

ASIF ALI

(cheerfully)

What a charming invention that surely won't become the biggest time suck for all working adults!

PAUL taps into his ever-evolving power set and yanks off ASIF's rose-colored glasses.

ASIF ALI

(manic)

What day is it? Oh crap, how long have I been away from Twitter? What have I missed?? What's trending?..Oh right — and how's my family?

PAUL BETTANY

Who's doing this to you, Asif?

ASIF ALI

It's definitely a woman, but that's all I'll tell you. Gotta keep those Kathryn witch theories alive, ya know?

INT. FAMILY TIES LIVING ROOM

Finally sick of this shit, PAUL confronts ELIZABETH before the credits roll.

PAUL BETTANY

Fess up, Lizzie.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(gaslighting PAUL)

(actual line)

I don't know what you're talking about!

PAUL BETTANY

Enough is enough!

He dramatically rage-switches back into PURPAUL BETTANY!

PURPAUL BETTANY

I'm starting to suspect I'm not actually real, and that kinda discovery really fucks with a synthezoid's personal identity, okay? I'm freaking out over here!

Fortunately for ELIZABETH's accountability avoidance efforts, the doorbell interrupts them.

EVAN PETERS

Hey sis, it's me Evan, I mean, Aaron!

(winks)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(squints real hard in the dim lighting)

(puts on her glasses)

Um, are you sure?

KAT DENNINGS (O.S.)

Wow, talk about a glow-up!

'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN

Go nuts with those mutant and multiverse theories, babes.

EXT. EPISODE 6 - "HALLOWEEN EPISODE IN FEBRUARY? SURE, WHY NOT?"

A camcorder-style punk-rock intro sequence proves that the twins should have been the showrunners all along.

INT. MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE LIVING ROOM

The OLSEN CLAN is all decked out in their dollar store costumes, but a wisened PAUL refuses to stick to the script anymore.

PAINTED BETTANY

Ah yes, what better way to spend our first family holiday than by bailing to run my own covert op?

EVAN PETERS

It's all good, bro-in-law, nobody needs you anyways — I'm the special guest star this week.

EXT. A PANDEMIC'S NIGHTMARE

Hordes of children are clustered way too close together to go trick-or-treating in BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT because these townspeople are absolute PSYCHOPATHS.

EVAN PETERS

Hey Jett, let's teach these losers a lesson!

EVAN and JETT speed off in a blur of PETTY LARCENY and PROPERTY DAMAGE.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

That's my boy!

INT. IMPROMPTU BASE CAMP

Everyone is panicking because no one bothered to listen to TEYONAH's warnings about ELIZABETH.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Now is DEFINITELY the time to say I told you so.

JOSH STAMBERG

(actual line)

Maybe it's a good thing you weren't here when your mother died, because clearly you don't have the stomach for this job.

RANDALL PARK

Did you really just make a 'your mom' reference to her DEAD mom? Cold, dude.

JOSH STAMBERG

I'm really just full douchebag now.

(addressing the trio)

You three, you're fired.

TEYONAH, RANDALL, and KAT are forcibly escorted out into the rain before RANDALL goes rogue and beats the everloving crap out of some nameless SWORD lackeys to escape!

KAT DENNINGS

Geez dude, if you wanted a SWORD poncho so bad, you coulda just asked.

EXT. THAT GILMORE GIRLS GAZEBO

EVAN is blatantly badgering ELIZABETH with questions while her unsupervised-yet-superpowered offspring cavort around town doing GOD KNOWS WHAT.

EVAN PETERS

Since Funko Pops already spoiled that I'm an imposter, I might as well use this opportunity to get some answers.

(consults Twitter)

Are you being coerced by Mephisto, Nightmare, the Grim Reaper, Agatha Harkness, Magneto, Reed Richards, Professor X, Doctor Strange, Ultron, or Al Pacino? Blink once for 'yes'.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I was just uber sad, okay? It's been a rough few years for me. That's all there is to it.

MATT SHAKMAN (O.S.)

(desperately trying to stop the already-derailed theory train)

Please listen to her, you guys!

EVAN PETERS

So...Al Pacino then? Got it.

INT. HIGHJACKED SWORD VAN

The banished trio hacks into TYLER's top secret PURPAUL dossier with less effort than it takes to open a tight jar of pickles.

RANDALL PARK

(chuckles in spite of himself)

Project Cataract for White Vision? That's actually pretty clever.

EXT. THE END OF THE ROAD

KATHRYN is not at ALL suspiciously idling on the highway and does NOBODY care about the environment in this town?

PURPAUL BETTANY

Kathryn, I want to help the people. What should I do?

KATHRYN HAHN

Don't bother — they're, I mean, we're already screwed.

(cackles maniacally)

EXT. THAT GILMORE GIRLS GAZEBO

ELIZABETH is too distracted by EVAN to sense that PURPAUL is seconds away from biting the dust for the third time.

JULIAN HILLIARD

Mom, why am I having visions of Dad disintegrating into a million puzzle pieces?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(recalls "House of M" comic book cover)

Oh shit.

An supercharged ELIZABETH freezes everyone, expands the boundary, and saves PURPAUL.

'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN

(grinning wickedly)

Your hatred fuels me.

EXT. EPISODE 7 - "UNIRONICALLY SELF-DEPRECATING"

ELIZABETH is still in bed, recovering from her recent Halloween bender.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(addressing the camera)

I'm planning to cut myself off from the rest of the world as punishment for actually expressing an emotion that one time. No one contact me, and no one come into my home for the next, I dunno, 14 months?

(pauses, considers)

Ah yes, this sentiment is gonna age splendidly.

EXT. JUST A BUNCH OF CLOWNS CLOWNING AROUND

A miraculously still-alive PURPAUL spots KAT chained to a car and immediately tries to hit on her, that scoundrel.

PURPAUL BETTANY

You know what they say about guys with comically large shoes...

KAT DENNINGS

(playing a diner waitress escape artist)

Normally I'd be all over this, but aren't you married?

PURPAUL BETTANY

(frantically backpedalling)

What I meant was, they usually have really big brains, which is a roundabout way of saying I need your big brain to help me out here!

(awakens KAT)

KAT DENNINGS

Oh thank god! I can be the comedic sidekick again. All that bonafide character development was giving me a rash.

INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM

ELIZABETH is really nailing this whole quarantine thing.

KATHRYN HAHN

Allow me to abduct your children, I mean, give a weary mother a break.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Ooh yes, a break sounds like just what the doctor ordered!

(willingly hands over JETT and JULIAN without their consent)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (O.S.)

Did someone call for a doctor?

KEVIN FEIGE (O.S.)

(facepalms)

Benny, did you not read the email? You got cut.

BENEFIT CUDDLENSNATCH (O.S.)

Well this is awkward...

EXT. JUST A FIELD, OKAY?

TEYONAH and RANDALL pull up to a grassy field to meet up with NO ONE IN PARTICULAR, TRUST US, so that TEYONAH can have one last shot at that superhero stuff.

TEYONAH PARRIS

This is totally gonna work.

(climbs into massive space rover)

(immediately gets claustrophobic and aborts mission)

This totally didn't work.

RANDALL PARK

What's that sound?

The SUPERHERO ORIGIN STORY alarm starts blaring.

TEYONAH PARRIS

That's my cue!

(runs headfirst into a wall of radiation, inexplicably sans helmet)

RANDALL PARK

That lady's got a death wish.

TEYONAH gets sucked into the MATRIX, but by choice this time, so it's TOTALLY FINE!

LASHANA LYNCH (V/O)

I don't get paid for these recycled voiceovers, do I?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (V/O)

Nope.

BRIE LARSON (V/O)

Definitely not.

Against all odds really only a few odds, TEYONAH makes it through the barrier!

TEYONAH POWERS

(lands somewhat superheroically on the other side)

Let's keep my powers just vague enough to give the focus groups some time to settle on my superhero alias, alright?

INT. FUNNEL CAKE TRUCK

KAT and PURPAUL are bonding over some deep-fried cake batter while on the way back into town.

PURPAUL BETTANY

(through a mouthful of funnel cake)

Can you summarize "Infinity War" for me?

KAT DENNINGS

(non-seductively licks powdered sugar off her fingers)

You loved Lizzie. Lizzie loved you. Lizzie killed you. It didn't work. Lizzie watched you get murdered.

(shrugs)

Pretty standard.

PURPAUL BETTANY

(addresses the camera)

And people seriously still don't think this story is about grief??

(flies off to rescue his wife from bad takes)

INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE

TEYONAH rudely bursts in without even bothering to knock.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Don't make me say that Carl Lumbly line again!

(aggressively magics TEYONAH out of her house, in full view of the neighbors)

Luckily, TEYONAH has finessed her SUPERHERO LANDING.

TEYONAH POWERS

Lizzie, emergency therapy session, now.

(pulls up a couch)

Look, you're sad. I get it. I, too, am...sad.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(choked up)

Wow's that's remarkably astute of you. Thank you for actually acknowledging my struggle.

Sensing an impending breakthrough, KATHRYN hurries outside to SHUT that shit DOWN.

KATHRYN HAHN

(soothingly)

Lizzie, look away from the light.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(sobers up)

(points angrily at TEYONAH)

Don't tell me how to feel!

TEYONAH PARRIS

(less-than-amused)

Is this the salad cat meme?

INT. CLEARLY A WITCH'S LAIR

ELIZABETH wisely declines KATHRYN's offer of tea that's 100% been laced with something, but then not-so-wisely enters the ominous basement in search of her crust-hating children.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Boys? How much farther into this hellscape should I venture before I realize you're not down here?

Just then KATHRYN appears in the basement, with a gnarly case of bedhead and a 2022 Grammy already in hand.

KATHRYN HAHN

(to the tune of "Agatha All Along")

Who's been messing up everything?

The Mephisto fans all along!

Who thinks mutants cause everything?

Crazy Redditors all along!

This show always was

A tale of lost love.

All those tiny clues you overthought were just because, just because, just be- just be- just because...

We threw in all those sneaky hints,

Just to go and fuck up your plans.

We're the MCU,

Naughty MCU,

We're the MCU--

Pissing off faaaans!

(a beat)

And we multiverse-baited, too.

'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN

Stream that track on Spotify and Apple Music starting next week.

EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

TEYONAH gets busted by EVAN for lurking on KATHRYN's Tumblr page for clues about what happens next.

EXT. EPISODE 8 - "GET READY FOR SOME SAD SHIT"

Back in the 1600s, long before she was the witchiest bitch in Westview, KATHRYN proves she's the bitchiest witch in Salem.

KATHRYN HAHN

(horrifyingly de-aged)

This is where our CGI budget went, in case y'all were wondering.

(murders her entire coven in cold blood)

INT. ELIZABETH'S CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

KATHRYN is forcing ELIZABETH to relive that time her parents got blown up for having bootleg VCRs, which is a pleasant reminder that PIRACY IS A CRIME, PEOPLE. YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A HANDBAG. YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A—

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Make it stop! I'll actually pay for my Disney+ subscription from now on, okay?

KATHRYN HAHN

I've evolved from neighbor, to aunt, to the most passive-aggressive-but-still-kinda-helpful-in-a-VERY-roundabout-way superhero therapist ever seen.

AMY AQUINO

(from the set of "THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER")

Wanna bet?

By now fully seated in the 'depression' stage of grief, ELIZABETH watches a highlight reel of EVEN MORE of her past tragedies.

KATHRYN HAHN

I'm doing this to get you to reveal your magical secrets, Lizzie...and to also heavily retcon your origin story, because we're STILL not done undermining "Age of Ultron".

ELIZABETH OLSEN

You mean to tell me that I've had these chaotic abilities ALL ALONG?? Well THAT would've been nice to know a couple of dead relatives ago.

ELIZABETH begrudgingly goes along with KATHRYN's immersion therapy technique. She comes face-to-face with her most devastating memory yet — watching sitcoms on a cheap-ass portable TV stand, despite living in luxurious Avengers compound.

PURPAUL BETTANY

(via flashback)

What is misery if not more company?

FLASHBACK ELIZABETH stares at him blankly.

PURPAUL BETTANY

No wait, that's not it...

(tries again)

What is despair if not the most depressed you'll ever feel?

(rubs his non-existent stubble)

Hmm, not quite...

(tries once more)

(actual line)

But what is grief, if not love persevering?

EVERY SCREENWRITER EVER (O.S.)

(sniffling)

Damn that's good.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(via flashback)

You seem like the kinda guy a gal could construct a false reality with.

Back in the present day, ELIZABETH is more distraught than ever.

KATHRYN HAHN

And now Paul's dead, too. Tough cookies, Lizzie.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

This just isn't fair!

With fierce determination, she marches into SWORD HEADQUARTERS, breaks down the door, takes out half a dozen guards, snatches PURPAUL's lifeless corpse, and flies off in a blurry of RED WIGGLY WOOS.

JOSH STAMBERG

Just kidding, that's what you THOUGHT happened, didn't you?

In reality, a sombre ELIZABETH cries a little, quotes "INFINITY WAR" while caressing PURPAUL's caved-in forehead, leaves uneventfully, and drives off alone in an Audi in a fuckin' BUICK VERANO, because the Avengers are MONSTERS.

EXT. A REAL SHITHOLE, NJ

FLASHBACK ELIZABETH drives into a sorry excuse for a small town.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

We can all agree I made this place way better, right?

She arrives at an empty plot of land and unveils a property deed with a little heart drawn on it by PURPAUL and I'M NOT CRYING, YOU ARE! DON'T LOOK AT ME.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Time to channel all these emotions into something actually constructive, I guess.

Through her UNBELIEVABLE GRIEF, ELIZABETH transforms Shithole, NJ into a charming roadside attraction, constructs a picture-perfect family home, and creates a fully-functional PURPAUL, to boot.

KATHRYN HAHN

What can I say? I'm impressed.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Have I finally earned my big superhero name-drop moment?

KATHRYN HAHN

What the hell...alright.

(plunks a rock at ELIZABETH’S feet with the words "Scarlet Witch" painted on it)

Happy?

And after weeks of ruining everyone's day, we see that 'PLEASE STAND BY' SCREEN has finally been vanquished.

EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

PURPAUL is having second thoughts.

PURPAUL BETTANY

So I may have mentioned something about how I'm excited for spending time with a big actor that I've always wanted to work with, when really I just meant myself. Do you think that's gonna be a problem?

PALE BETTANY

Quite the opposite. It's gonna be so funny and witty and clever and not blown out of proportion or misinterpreted by fans AT ALL.

EXT. EPISODE 9 - "THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. WE MEAN IT - NO SEASON TWO"

Screw the sitcoms — we jump RIGHT BACK INTO the action, as in, there's finally some physical fighting to do in this superhero story...only for everything to get resolved with basically zero action.

KATHRYN HAHN

(suspended by harnesses)

Maybe I SHOULDN'T have said I'd love to do my own stunts...

ELIZABETH shoots some CHAOS MAGIC - did we really need a name for that? - at KATHRYN in the street, and where the hell is PURPAUL?

PALE BETTANY

Lizzie, darling, it's totally me, your resurrected husband. I just... accidentally used bleach instead of body wash...Yeah, that's it...

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(barely even questions it)

Eh, close enough.

Very-much-NOT-her-husband, PALE BETTANY, then immediately tries crushing ELIZABETH'S head like a grape, before she's miraculously saved by very-much-IS-her-husband, PURPAUL BETTANY, who swoops in.

PURPAUL BETTANY

I know my timing has been shit up until now, but I came in clutch at the end!

PURPAUL then takes off in pursuit of PALE, his only evenly-matched combat opponent.

INT. MAN CAVE

TEYONAH is trapped while EVAN makes a smoothie.

TEYONAH PARRIS

Are you SURE you're not a mutant?

EVAN PENIS

Nah, but I think a tasteless dick joke will ABSOLUTELY be a satisfying way to wrap up the longstanding mystery of my identity.

TEYONAH, a classy woman, is NOT AMUSED.

TEYONAH PARRIS

(yanks off EVAN's puka bead necklace)

So the secret to your mind control from Kathryn is tacky jewelry, huh? Spring break musta been fun this year.

INT. DUDEBRO LIBRARY

The two PAULS are duking it out with zero regard for library custodial staff.

PALE BETTANY

DIE, PURPAUL, DIE!

PURPAUL BETTANY

How about we stop punching each other and instead engage in an exceptionally thought-provoking philosophical discussion on identity metaphysics that everyone's definitely gonna need to Google later?

PALE BETTANY

Smashing!

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

JETT and JULIAN team up with TEYONAH POWERS to wipe the floor with the U.S. MILITARY and JOSH.

JOSH STAMBERG

Why yes I am shooting point-blank at a couple of 10-year-olds. I see no issue with this.

Out of nowhere, JOSH gets bulldozed by a funnel cake truckload of better judgement.

KAT DENNINGS

(from behind the wheel)

Super glad I came back for this one moment.

EXT. THE SKY

Meanwhile, KATHRYN and ELIZABETH literally hang out above the town.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(attempts to shoot at KATHRYN with some ACTION)

This needs to look like a believable fight!

KATHRYN HAHN

Don't try so hard, those shills will take whatever we give them!

(dodges ELIZABETH'S blasts)

Suddenly ELIZABETH reveals that she was actually paying attention when KATHRYN was monologuing about runes last week.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

What can I say? I'm a fast learner.

(sucks KATHRYN dry of all her three-dimensional characterization)

(morphs into her comics-accurate persona)

Only took six years!

KATHRYN HAHN

I'm so turned on right now.

AUDIENCE WATCHING AT HOME

Same.

A fully overpowered ELIZABETH banishes KATHRYN to FORGOTTEN CO-STAR DEVELOPMENT HELL, alongside SAM ROCKWELL and LIV TYLER.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

I'll be seeing you in approximately 3-10 years, Kathryn.

INT. A VERY SAD HOUSE

Now that all the fighting's done, ELIZABETH charmingly murders her children in their sleep.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(tearfully)

I'm sure gonna miss you, Paul.

PURPAUL BETTANY

I'll always love you, Lizzie. No matter where I am.

CHRIS PINE

Hey! That's my line!

ELIZABETH kills PURPAUL again, but because she wants to this time, so it's even more SAD, probably.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE OF DESPAIR

Her family may be all gone, but that doesn't mean ELIZABETH is done RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES.

TEYONAH PARRIS

All these people hate you, Lizzie, and rightfully so. I would, too, if I didn't become a superhero because of you. So, y'know. Thanks.

FUCKED UP TOWNSPEOPLE

(glaring daggers at ELIZABETH)

You're gonna pay for this!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Consequences? What are those?

She salutes her former prisoners and flies off, probably in search of a rebound with PALE BETTANY.

(NOT QUITE) THE END

INT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

TEYONAH gets summoned to the THEATRE, where AGENT SKRULL recruits her for [INSERT MULTI-PICTURE DEAL HERE].

TEYONAH PARRIS

So...I'm sticking around for a while?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (O.S.)

(way up in space somewhere)

I'm here to talk to you about the Feige initiative.

THE END (BUT STILL NOT REALLY)

EXT. POST-CREDITS SCENE

ELIZABETH is that one annoying friend who actually used self-isolation to her advantage.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

(astral-projecting with ease, like the boss bitch she is)

So far in lockdown I've bought a cabin, learned how to astral-project, summoned a demonic entity, made grey sweatsuits cool again, and now I'm about to go multiverse-hopping. What have you done?

END