FADE IN:

INT. HIDEOUT - EASTERN EUROPE

NICOLAS CAGE walks around, waiting for an excuse to act BUGNUTTY. Suddenly he is approached by IDRIS ELBA, professional wearer of weird contact lenses.

IDRIS ELBA

Nic, I can see that you're very busy signing onto films without reading their scripts, but I need the Ghost Rider's help.

NICOLAS CAGE

Hell no. The last movie was incredibly stupid.

IDRIS ELBA

Yes but this time it's INTENTIONALLY incredibly stupid, which magically makes it good. Anyway, there's a kid who is actually the offspring of the devil-

NICOLAS CAGE

Holy shit, we seriously got Peter Fonda back? How? We never let him see the first one, did we?

IDRIS ELBA

Different devil. Ciarán Hinds this time. The boy's mother made a deal with him, trading her son for her life, and he made good on it and wants to collect. If you help, I will remove the curse you got when you made a similar deal with him.

NICOLAS CAGE

For a good guy, you sure don't have much respect for contract law.

IDRIS ELBA

You have to help the boy, only you have the power to stop the devil!

NICOLAS CAGE

Listen, this whole plot is dead-on-arrival just like in the last movie. The devil gave me my powers, so I can't use them to fight him because he can just take them away. How does nobody working at Marvel understand this? Fuck, it's so braindead obvious, it sends me into an infinite rage! BRWAARRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

(turns into Flaming Nic Cage)

I NEED TO FEED ON THE SOULS OF ILLEGAL MOVIE DOWNLOADERS!

IDRIS desperately tries to find his way back to the THOR franchise but cannot escape.

IDRIS ELBA

Oh, I get it. We're doing with Ghost Rider what the studios were considering doing by casting Jack Black in a comedy version of Green Lantern. Yes, that was a thing, Google it.

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE hops on his FLAMING BIKE and FLAMES away to FLAME THE DAY!

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE

FERGUS RIORDAN and his mother VIOLANTE PLACIDO are on the run from JOHNNY WHITWORTH and his HENCHMEN.

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

Time to pay up, Violante! The devil has hired me to collect your son, mwa-ha-ha! Also I'm your ex-boyfriend for some reason!

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Oh no! I sure hope some kind of superhero comes and saves me! Like maybe Spiderman, Wolverine, or Captain America! Even a Hulk or a Hawkeye or a Mr. Fantastic would be alright, really. Just don't send-

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

(flaming in)

BWARRGH, I AM GHOST DRIVER, SPIRITS OF REVENGE!

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Something from "Marvel Knights," really? I'd take The Punisher, would that help?

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

EVERYONE HOLD ON, THE SPECIAL EFFECTS GUYS FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE MY SKULLFIRE REACT TO THE WIND.

(sways back and forth. A lot.)

PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

(pause)

Okay yeah, that actually is pretty cool.

FLAMING NICOLAS gets into some CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT and EVERYTHING ON SCREEN TURNS ORANGE. Eventually everything is BLUE and BLACK again and the battle is over.

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

I suppose you're going to collect my soul for all of the murder I've done, huh?

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

I SURE AM! BUT FIRST, THERE'S A WOMAN NEARBY THAT STOLE A GUY'S WEDDING BAND!

FLAMING NICOLAS drops JOHNNY and chases VIOLANTE.

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

BWARRRGGH, NOBODY DISRESPECTS THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE AND KEEPS THEIR SOUL!

FERGUS RIORDAN stops him by using POWERS? FLAMING NICOLAS transforms back into REGULAR NICOLAS.

NICOLAS CAGE

(actual line)

So... that happened.

The movie pauses for a moment to allow the AUDIENCE time to laugh but is met with PAINFULLY AWKWARD SILENCE.

INT. RESTAURANT

NICOLAS, FERGUS, and VIOLANTE discuss their situation.

NICOLAS CAGE

...and so we hired the guys who made Crank and Crank 2 of all things, but told them to make it PG-13. That's pretty much the whole story.

FERGUS RIORDAN

Cool, my own Ghost Rider! Stand on one foot! You're way better than most of the guys my mom hangs out with!

NICOLAS CAGE

You do know that in the previous scene I tried to send your mother to suck cocks in hell for all eternity, right?

FERGUS RIORDAN

So, does whatever you ride transform into a firey version of that thing? What if you rode a horse?

NICOLAS CAGE

Actually that very thing happened in the last movie, but I'm going to behave like it's an interesting question. The flight across the Atlantic to get to Europe was not pleasant for the other passengers, I'll tell you that. And you definitely do not want to be around when I transform.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Why, what happens?

NICOLAS CAGE

I typically grab people by their collars, hold their faces really close to my face, then hiss at them through my hilariously-rendered skull while nothing else happens for what feels like 5 straight minutes.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Well, we ought to get a move on if we want to stay ahead of the bad guys. Idris Elba can catch up to us later.

NICOLAS CAGE

Idris Elba, the guy that's further behind us than the bad guys we're outrunning? Sounds sensible.

Meanwhile...

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE

CIAR�N HINDS confronts his mercenary JOHNNY WHITWORTH.

CIAR�N HINDS

Damn, how many movies is it going to take me to make a decent henchman? Will it help if I grant you some special powers? Probably could have done that sooner, but whatever.

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

(gets white hair)

I have been transformed! I am now... DECAY!

CIAR�N HINDS

Decay? Are you from the comics? An entire mythology to work with and we're making new characters?

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

Kind of. I actually have the appearance and alter ego of Blackout. But his power is turning lights off, so I make things rot instead.

CIAR�N HINDS

If you need to eat something, you should eat a Twinkie since they never age, haw haw haw!

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

What a relevant joke!

EXT. MONK HIDEOUT

NICOLAS, FERGUS, and VIOLANTE take a small break from frantically trying to escape their pursuers for some MOTORCYCLE STUNTS, performed by NIC CAGE'S STUNT DOUBLE, awkwardly filmed only from the neck down.

Eventually they arrive at some ROCKS where no other movies were shooting and meet CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT.

NICOLAS CAGE

I brought you the boy. Idris said you'd remove my curse, which I would like despite deciding to keep it in the last movie.

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT

(whispering)

There can be only one. Remember that, when I was in that movie? Ah, good times.

NICOLAS'S CURSE is removed, but suddenly JOHNNY WHITWORTH and CIAR�N HINDS show up for some CULTY SHIT. CIAR�N begins the unjustifiably slow process of inhabiting FERGUS'S BODY.

FERGUS RIORDAN

Wait a second. Since I'm the antichrist, I have all the same powers as you, right?

CIAR�N HINDS

That's correct.

FERGUS RIORDAN

So I could just kill all of your henchmen and remove the curse from Whitworth so he can be defeated.

CIAR�N HINDS

Surely.

FERGUS RIORDAN

OOOORRRR I could re-inflict Cage with the curse, damning his soul for all eternity but letting him defeat Whitworth that way.

CIAR�N HINDS

I suppose that's true.

NICOLAS CAGE

Wait, no, do the first one, not the-

(re-cursed)

YOU LITTLE SHIT!

NICOLAS mugs psychotically for the CAMERA while DIRECTORS MARK NEVELDINE and BRIAN TAYLOR try to work up the courage to yell CUT.

NICOLAS CAGE

Now, in addition to still being possessed by the Spirit of Vengeance, I am also possessed by the Spirit of Justice! Somehow this gives me more control, not less!

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

Let me guess. Blue fire?

NICOLAS CAGE

You bet your ass blue fire! BWAARRGHHHH!

NICOLAS CAGE FLAMES-ON comically. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING THAT CAN BE SET ON FIRE IS SET THE FUCK ON FIRE!

NICOLAS saves FERGUS and defeats JOHNNY and then defeats the all-powerful, undefeatable CIAR�N.

VIOLANTE PLACIDO

I'm so happy you saved my son that I can totally ignore the fact that you just carried him to me with his face clearly touching the burning hot flames of your skull!

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

BRWAARGH, THAT'S HIGH PRAISE!

NICOLAS de-flames but remains CRAZY.

FERGUS RIORDAN

So, given that there's not a single person on the entire face of the planet who wanted a sequel to Ghost Rider, do you think this will actually make any money?

NICOLAS CAGE

We'll release it in February. It'll be up against an environmentalist cartoon selling SUVs, a Tyler Perry movie, and a military recruitment video given theatrical release. How bad can it do?

(it makes $22M domestically)

Oh.

END