FADE IN:

EXT. TURNPIKE, YEAR 2029

A sentient mound of LEATHER soaked in FIREBALL WHISKEY reveals itself to be HOLY SHIT IS THAT HUGH JACKMAN? WOW. Dude got CRAGGY. I mean I’d still hit it but SHIT.

HUGH JACKMAN

(blearily)

Fuck…

He rolls out of his LIMOUSINE onto the DIRT, and notices some FINE UPSTANDING YOUNG MEN trying to JACK his HUBCAPS.

HUGH JACKMAN

(grimly)

Fuck.

HUGH fights through some RICHTER SCALE 9.0 WHISKEY SHAKES to get to his FEET.

CHOLO

Yo, hold up, my chome-stealing homies. Looks like we got ourselves a homeless guy needing a holy shit, Hugh Jackman? You need some moisturizer, bro. Talk to my boy Gerrado, he can hook you up.

HUGH JACKMAN

(tries to draw claws)

(has some trouble getting them up)

CHOLO

Pfft, what are you gonna do, belt Oklahoma at us?

HUGH JACKMAN

(pause)

Fuck!

CHOLO

Wait a second. That’s more than the allocated amount of fucks. Ohhhh SHIT THIS IS R-RATED, EVERYONE GET THE HELL OUT OF-

HUGH JACKMAN

(turning everyone into minced pork with onions and a sprig of thyme)

(to the tune of “Oklahoma!”)

Fuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck fucky fuck FUCK FUCK-FUCK FUCK FUCK-FUUUUUCK!

HUGH manages to drive his DRUNKEN, BLOODSTAINED ASS to the hospital to pick up some SUSPICIOUS DRUGS. The villainous BOYD HOLBROOK hops into his LIMO when he’s not LOOKING.

BOYD HOLBROOK

My my, the great Hugh Jackman getting snuck up upon. You should try scowling a little less. Might help you see better. And here I find you driving for Uber? Land’s sake, how tough times must be.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck?

BOYD HOLBROOK

Oh don’t mind me, Hugh. I’m just a fan. I even liked “Pan” okay. It was a tonal catastrophe but, anyway, I’m getting distracted. I need you to help me find someone. I’ll pay you. How’s a golden fiddle sound?

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck off.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Think it over, Jean ValGin and Tonic. And seriously, moisturize. Healing factors don’t do shit for crow’s feet.

EXT. ABANDONED REFINERY

HUGH drives his way deep into the MEXICAN DESERT to his HOMEBASE. UNCLE FESTER sorry ALBINO STEPHEN MERCHANT waits for him.

STEPHEN MERCHANT

Oh, good, you’re back. The old man’s in a rough way, Hugh. He just signed on to play a poop Emoji.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck fuck, fuck-fuck fuck fuck.

STEPHEN MERCHANT

I agree. Times have certainly been tough since Trump’s fourth term in office. Most of the original X-Men are gone. We survivors grow older and more tired, waiting for it all to end. The public has mostly forgotten us, our glory days long past…

(beat)

Oh, and all that stuff is happening in the movie too. But I’m worried about you, Hugh. Your mutant powers are slowing down. Not good.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck?

STEPHEN MERCHANT

Yes, I know that brings us to two out of three solo movies where your powers don’t work. But it’s for real this time. Just a few more hundred thousand deep trauma wounds and you’ll die! Be careful, Hugh. Now go give Sir Patrick his crazy pills before he psychically transmits his dick into our brains.

HUGH goes to his PALLIATIVE CARE GARAGE to find PATRICK STEWART rolling around in his WHEELCHAIR like a MALFUNCTIONING DALEK.

PATRICK STEWART

ROMULAN CRUISER APPROACHING FAST! ENGAGE! ENGAGE! NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOUNT TENT! THE SPICE MUST FLOW! TUNE IN TO AMERICAN DAD THURSDAYS AT SEVEN ONLY ON FOX!

HUGH injects him with SANITY JUICE. PATRICK calms.

PATRICK STEWART

Oh, shit, it’s the dropout. How’s complete failure treating you? Jesus, Hugh, didn’t you go through like six films where you had to learn how to not be an alcoholic fuckup?

HUGH JACKMAN

I’m tired of running away from what I am.

(chugs a quart of anti-freeze with a lemon twist)

You old fuck.

PATRICK STEWART

You can’t “fuck” your way out of this conversation, Hugh. What about all your friends? Don’t you care anymore?

HUGH JACKMAN

Dammit, Pat-Stew! They got recast! My old girlfriend’s being played by the most boring Stark! There’s nothing left for me…

PATRICK STEWART

Fine, Huge Jackoff. Be cynical and lonely, break your old man’s heart. Also, holy shit, these pills don’t last very SHAKA, WHEN THE WALLS FELL! IAN AND PATRICK IN BED WITH A BOX OF WINE!

HUGH goes driving to pick up a CLIENT, ELIZABETH RODRIGUEZ.

ELIZABETH RODRIGUEZ

Please, Mr. Jackedman. I rescued this mysterious young girl from the lab she was raised in! I need to transport her through this dystopic hellscape to the safe zone. You must help me!

HUGH JACKMAN

Eh, this sounds familiar.

ELIZABETH RODRIGUEZ

(furtively hiding her copy of “The Last of Us” under a special edition of Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road” while “Stranger Things” plays on the TV behind her)

I don’t know what you’re talking about…

HUGH JACKMAN

No. Sorry. This all sounds like it could crack my tough exterior and expose my humanity, and I keep that cocooned in booze for a reason.

About TWELVE SECONDS LATER, ELIZABETH gets KILLED by BOYD and his DISCOUNT CYBORGS.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck. Alright, tiny girl, you’re with me. Watch out for all the broken whiskey bottles in the back seat.

DAFNE KEEN

(angry raccoon noises)

HUGH JACKMAN

We’ll get along great, I see.

EXT. ABANDONED REFINERY

HUGH shows his new FOUNDLING to his ROOMMATES.

PATRICK STEWART

Oh god, Hugh! Don’t you see?! Dafne’s a mutant! The first mutant born in twenty years! She could save our race!

STEPHEN MERCHANT

The race that can blow up schools if our glasses fall off? I mean, the whole civil rights theme in these movies is admirable, but it doesn’t exactly hold up when half of us can knock down buildings by farting.

PATRICK STEWART

Somebody’s gotta carry this franchise, okay?! What’s your power anyway? Nagging?

STEPHEN MERCHANT

I’m the mutant no one remembers from X-Men: Apocalypse.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Y’all gonna have to be more specific.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck! They found us! I hope you’ve got some kickass powers, Dafne, because there’s more hangover in my brain than brain right now.

DAFNE KEEN

(raccoon noises of approval)

DAFNE DOES, in fact, have ALL OF WOLVERINE’S POWERS. Plus TOE CLAWS for some reason! Together they turn most of the CYBORG REAVERS into EXTRA CHUNKY FIREHOUSE CHILI.

PATRICK STEWART

Well done, murder-waif. Now, quickly! Escape! Into that Fury Road rip-off over there!

A RAGTAG GANG of WOUNDED WARRIORS escape a MILITIA of WAR VEHICLES lead by DEFORMED CRAZIES. They ESCAPE, but STEPHEN is CAPTURED!

BOYD HOLBROOK

Alright, Stephen. I’m going to need you to help us track down your friends or else I’ll make with the torture.

STEPHEN MERCHANT

I’ll never help you capture that drunk asshole, his senile dad figure, and that girl I just met!

BOYD exposes him to SUNLIGHT.

STEPHEN MERCHANT

HSSSSSSSS! FINE! I’LL DO IT!

BOYD MERCHANT

Holy shit you crisped up fast. Is that part of your mutation?

STEPHEN MERCHANT

No. It’s called being English…

INT. OKLAHOMA CITY CASINO

HUGH and the GANG catch some RNR in HOTEL above a CASINO.

PATRICK STEWART

Yay! I’m blowing my family’s inheritance on slots! Retirement is awesome!

HUGH JACKMAN

Pfft, look at this little nerd. She reads X-Men comics. Dork.

(pause)

No, seriously, actual X-Men comics. Because Deadpool was both R-rated and meta, and so far we only have the R-rated part.

PATRICK STEWART

Let her have her childish pleasure, Hugh. I’ll just lie here and watch a much better movie on TCM.

The AUDIENCE watches like five minutes of SHANE, handily SPOILING this movie’s ENDING in the process.

HUGH JACKMAN

Welp, I’m off to get blasted. You two have fun.

HUGH leaves for a HOT SECOND and returns to find the REAVERS have found PATRICK and DAFNE.

HUGH JACKMAN

FuUUuck, am I the competent one in this troupe? That is a scary thought, let me tell you.

PATRICK STEWART

Fear not, Hugh. I’ll use my incredible brain magic to save the day! Observe!

PATRICK uses his SUPER ALZHEIMERS to FREEZE all the BAD GUYS. And also everyone in the CASINO. And everyone OUTSIDE the CASINO. And everyone in the THEATER due to the LOUDASS DUBSTEP MIGRAINE NOISE they play for like TEN MINUTES during this scene. HUGH sushifies all the BAD GUYS and they ESCAPE in their CAR.

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck! This is why you’re in a home, you old coot!

PATRICK STEWART

You mean that rusty hovel you shoved me into to drug up and feed twice a day?

HUGH JACKMAN

It was a very humane hovel! You had a bed! Ugh, this whole operation is fucking pointless. I’m taking us to a different franchise. Marvel spinoff, here we come!

PATRICK STEWART

No, Hugh! We must take Dafne to the mutant sanctuary!

HUGH JACKMAN

There IS no mutant sanctuary! It was just an issue of the X-Men comics! And lord fucking knows we aren’t following THOSE anymore. The “Old Man Logan” miniseries had a gang of redneck incest Hulks, for fuck’s sake.

PATRICK STEWART

Well I still have faith, Hugh. Faith and Alzheimer’s. But mostly faith. Dafne deserves a chance. She is your clone daughter after all.

HUGH JACKMAN

Whoa, whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here! She could be anyone’s wrist-clawed, healing factor crotch spawn! We look nothing alike anyway.

DAFNE KEEN

(angry raccoon noises)

HUGH JACKMAN

Shut the fuck up.

DAFNE KEEN

(angrier raccoon noises)

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuckin’, just, fuck. Fuck!

This continues for a bit until HUGH gets distracted and runs an INNOCENT FAMILY off the ROAD.

HUGH JACKMAN

Shit, sorry about that. I’m mostly sober right now, scout’s honor.

ERIQ LA SALLE

Not a worry, stranger. We’re the Redshirt family! I’m Uncle Ben, that’s my wife Mufasa, and our youngster over there’s named Boromir.

The family SMILES and WAVES at them from under a LADDER while a BLACK CAT crosses their path to break a MIRROR nearby.

ERIQ LA SALLE

Would you care to join us for dinner tonight?

HUGH JACKMAN

Yeah, sorry, not a good idea. We’re being pursued by a bunch of Beverly Killbillies right now so I think it’s best if we stay away from innocent-

PATRICK STEWART

Food!

DAFNE KEEN

(raccoon screech)

HUGH JACKMAN

(sighs)

Fucking fine. You guys have life insurance, right?

ERIQ LA SALLE

Nope!

HUGH JACKMAN

Fuck.

INT. RANCH HOUSE ON THE CORNER OF ALDERAAN AVENUE AND TITANIC STREET

The gang settles in for their TOUGHEST CHALLENGE YET, a NICE DOMESTIC DINNER.

HUGH JACKMAN

Alright, guys, we can do this. Patrick, no psychic brainfucks. Dafne, please eat with your fork and not with your bloodstained wrist swords.

PATRICK STEWART

And you’re drinking water tonight.

HUGH JACKMAN

Wa…ter?

PATRICK STEWART

(sighs)

Virgin vodka.

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh. Ew. Fine.

Things go SURPRISINGLY OKAY for a bit because they could make an ENTIRE MOVIE out of PATRICK STEWART and HUGH JACKMAN eating DINNER and we would all WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THAT.

Later, PATRICK gets tucked into BED.

PATRICK STEWART

Hugh, I have to say, this has been a lovely day. Really. It’s these kinds of calm, human moments that are missing from superhero flicks these days. Just a nice scene where we can all breath and appreciate these characters as people instead of resorting to constant, shoehorned-in violence every-

HUGH shoves 12-INCHES OF SUPER STEEL through PATRICK’S CHEST, for he is actually CLONE HUGH! PATRICK is KILLED INSTANTLY wait actually NO he’s got some FINAL WORDS to get to first.

At just that moment, REAL HUGH shows up to discover CLONE HUGH has FINELY GROUND UP and SNORTED the FAMILY and is now taking DAFNE away.

HUGH JACKMAN

Noooo! Sir Patrick! Okay, we can fix this. Um, uh, alright, do you have health insurance? Or whatever the fuck Trump replaced it with?

PATRICK STEWART

No, Hugh… it’s my time…. Lean closer. Please…

HUGH puts his ear to his DYING MENTOR’S FACE.

PATRICK STEWART

Tune-in to Legion… Wednesdays in March… only on FX…

(okay NOW he dies)

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh boy, here I go stabbin’ again!

HUGH goes and gets his ASS KICKED by his YOUNGER SELF and WOW is that a PAINFUL METAPHOR for this MOVIE. Meanwhile, the REAVERS arrive to take DAFNE away.

BOYD HOLBROOK

I do believe victory is mine. And it only cost me enough mooks to fill the Florida panhandle. Bravo, Clone Hugh. And bravo me.

STEPHEN MERCHANT

Not so fast, Boyd! Through the power of having you not pay attention to things, I have managed to grab some grenades through the extra-wide bars of my cage here! Witness me!

STEPHEN explodes himself. BOYD is basically unharmed.

BOYD HOLBROOK

Okay then.

But HUGH manages to SAVE DAFNE and ESCAPE!

BOYD HOLBROOK

(jotting down a note)

“Closer…bars… on… cage….”

EXT. SMALL TOWN

HUGH and DAFNE chill in a CAR they STOLE in some BACKWATER.

HUGH JACKMAN

Look, thanks for helping back there.

DAFNE KEEN

(raccoon noises)

(coughing)

You’re welcome.

HUGH JACKMAN

Right, so, anywwwwWHHHAAT?! You can talk?!

DAFNE KEEN

Yep.

HUGH JACKMAN

Well, good. Then you can better articulate how I’m about to crush your dreams. There is no safe haven for mutants. It’s comic book bullshit. Now, how do I get to a Disney IP from here?

DAFNE KEEN

But you have to take me there! I promised all my friends I would go!

HUGH JACKMAN

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?

DAFNE KEEN

Yes? I had a spear jammed through my chest earlier. I’d be fine.

HUGH JACKMAN

I’m not taking you.

DAFNE KEEN

(raccoon)

HUGH JACKMAN

Ugh, fuck, FINE! My healing factored eardrums can only take so much!

They drive some more and it turns out that YES, the MUTANT HAVEN does EXIST somehow! The MUTANT LOST BOYS and DAFNE prepare to cross the CANADIAN BORDER when they are RANDOMLY DISCOVERED by a bad guy DRONE that just sort of KNEW WHERE THEY WERE somehow?

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh shit! The Reavers have found them! Nobody gets to abuse my clone daughter but me! Healing factor, don’t fail me now!

His HEALING FACTOR fails him IMMEDIATELY, prompting HUGH to INJECT HIMSELF with some HEALTH JUICE the KIDS just had lying around. This has the added SIDE EFFECT of making him EVEN MORE PISSED OFF THAN USUAL. He charges into the WOODS towards the REAVERS!

HUGH JACKMAN

(singing)

Dooo you hear the reavers scream,

As I stab them in the dong?

While I get all my frustrations out

From Wolverine part 1!

I’ve been PG for too long,

And those movies really suck.

I’m the best at what I do

Not giving fuuuucks!

With the REAVERS DEAD, HUGH makes his way to the FINAL BOSS, RICHARD E. GRANT.

RICHARD E. GRANT

Hello, Logan. I have been expecting you.

HUGH JACKMAN

Yes, hello, uh… you.

RICHARD E. GRANT

I am the puppetmaster behind this gory tableau. The architect of your pain. For it was my father who first put adamantium in your bones! And it was my mad genius that wiped out all the mutants so that I could clone more mutants of my own!

HUGH JACKMAN

Okay. Uh. Well, fuck you for that. But can’t I fight Boyd? He’s a fun character. Where’s he at?

RICHARD E. GRANT

Oh he got killed by some twelve-year olds a minute ago.

HUGH JACKMAN

Really? Shit. Well I’m not wasting this climax fighting Doctor Who-Gives-A-Fuck so…

HUGH shoots RICHARD with a GUN. But then CLONE HUGH shows up and STARTS KICKING HIS ASS AGAIN. He drags HUGH over to a TREE.

HUGH JACKMAN

No! Wood! My one weakness!

HUGH is IMPALED on the WORLD’S STRONGEST TREE ROOT. But then DAFNE shows up and SHOOTS CLONE HUGH with a MAGIC BULLET that just ERASED HUGH’S MEMORY in WOLVERINE ORIGINS but this time around causes DEATH INSTEAD for some reason.

DAFNE KEEN

No! Papa! You can’t die!

HUGH JACKMAN

Yes, Dafne. It’s my time. I’m pushing fifty and I miss cheeseburgers. Say goodbye to these abs. The wolverine is dead…

(dies)

Unless I hear a good deal for a Deadpool team-up movie…

(dies)

Or if Marvel wants me. Please Marvel. Please…

(dies)

Fuckin’… fuck…

(dies)

EXT. FOREST GRAVESITE

In a SURPRISINGLY POIGNANT CONCLUSION, the CHILDREN bury HUGH by a RIVERSIDE in a TRANQUIL part of the FOREST.

DAFNE KEEN

(tearfully)

He died as he lived. Drunkenly stumbling about and screaming. And now to close this movie with some quotes from a better movie.

(clears throat)

Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. Because the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this world. And there may come a day when the courage of men fails, but it is not this day. They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom. Because frankly my dear…

(sobbing)

I don’t give a fuck.

The CHILDREN cross the BORDER to an UNCERTAIN FUTURE. But before they DO, DAFNE pauses to rearrange the CROSS at the GRAVE into a much more APPROPRIATE SYMBOL…

A large MIDDLE FINGER, flipping us off FOR ALL TIME.

END.

AND NO, THERE’S NO AFTER CREDITS BULLSHIT. DEAL WITH IT.