FADE IN:

INT. BRITISH PRIMARY SCHOOL AUDITORIUM

Dramatics teacher and part-time community theatre director RIDLEY SCOTT sits in the FIRST ROW.

RIDLEY SCOTT

All right, children! This will be our final rehearsal before we perform for your families tonight, so let's make this the best one. Now line up downstage and let me have a look at you.

The KIDS, all in costume, line up.

RIDLEY SCOTT

Wonderful, wonderful. I knew I kept a cupboard full of historical uniforms for a reason. Places!

The KIDS rush backstage, leaving a distressingly realistic GUILLOTINE PROP in the middle. RIDLEY nods at the accompanist, music teacher MARTIN PHIPPS, who will play "DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?" on a nonstop loop throughout the REHEARSAL.

RIDLEY SCOTT

And... action!

The KIDS, all holding SOMETHING behind their backs with one hand, gather in an ensemble at the side. Little JOAQUIN PHOENIX steps in front of the GUILLOTINE.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Welcome to the story of me, Napoleon Boney-part. It's the year one-seven-eight-nine and things in France are really bad. The people don't like the queen, so they're gonna cut off her head.

KIDS

(pumping their free arms up in the air)

OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Two KIDS wearing HOODS drag a large curly-haired MANNEQUIN to the guillotine.

HOODED KID #1

Rest in PIECES, Queenie! Ha ha ha!

HOODED KID #2

(drops blade)

KIDS

YAAAAYYY!

BLADE

(lands harmlessly on mannequin's neck)

HOODED KID #1

Mr. Scott! The head's still on!

RIDLEY SCOTT

Oh dear. Erm, just give the top a little push.

HOODED KID #2

(shrugs and does so)

MANNEQUIN'S HEAD

(slowly detaches)

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Now we have a new guy in charge of France, Mr. Robe-spear. But we think he likes cutting off heads too much.

Little SAM TROUGHTON comes out, dragging a large BAG behind him.

SAM TROUGHTON

OFF WITH ALL THE HEADS! OFF WITH ALL THE HEADS!

He opens the BAG, revealing that it's full of, well, HEADS.

KIDS

EWWWWWWWWWWW!

Little TAHAR RAHIM taps SAM on the shoulder.

TAHAR RAHIM

Go away, you weirdo!

SAM TROUGHTON

No!

TAHAR and a few other KIDS begin removing HEADS from the bag and tossing them at SAM.

SAM TROUGHTON

Aaargh. Fine.

(exits)

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Now we have good people in charge of France, and they're called the... um, the Dectory. They're called the Dectory. And they want me to help them win the war.

TAHAR RAHIM

Joaquin... I mean, Napoleon... can you help us win the war?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Yes. I'll help you win lots of wars. Then maybe I can be in charge of France!

TAHAR RAHIM

Oh, Napoleon, you're so ambush... ambashiss... embellish... You're such a wanting-to-be-in-charge guy.

He exits. The HOODED KIDS wheel out five elaborate ENGLISH SHIP PROPS. JOAQUIN joins the ensemble.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

FIRE!

The KIDS reveal DODGEBALLS from behind their backs and hurl them at the SHIP PROPS. The HOODED KIDS wheel them offstage.

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

(rush to retrieve the dodgeballs)

TAHIR RAHIM

Good job, Napoleon! You sure are good at war! But if you're gonna be in charge, you need a girl to be Mrs. Napoleon.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(turns to the crowd and points)

How about that girl? She's pretty.

He has pointed to little VANESSA KIRBY, who joins him offstage as TAHAR steps back.

VANESSA KIRBY

Hi, Napoleon. I'm Josephine. Can I be Mrs. Napoleon?

VANESSA KIRBY

Okay.

RIDLEY SCOTT

CUT! Now, Joaquin, you're supposed to be very excited to marry Vanessa. Let's see a little more passion!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

More what?

RIDLEY SCOTT

Passion! Ardor! Zeal! Amorousness!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

...Huh?

RIDLEY SCOTT

(rubs forehead)

You like Vanessa so much that you want to kiss her.

VANESSA KIRBY

Ew!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Bleah!

VANESSA KIRBY

I don't want him to kiss me!

RIDLEY SCOTT

No, but he WISHES he could. That's how much he likes you.

VANESSA KIRBY

He picks his nose all the time.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

I do not!

RIDLEY SCOTT

Children, please! This is PRETEND. Just PRETEND you like each other. Let's take it one more time from Vanessa's entrance, shall we?

VANESSA sticks her tongue out at JOAQUIN as she steps back. He returns the FAVOR.

RIDLEY SCOTT

ACTION!

VANESSA KIRBY

(rejoins JOAQUIN)

Hi, Napoleon. I'm Josephine. Can I be Mrs. Napoleon?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(jaw drops in the fashion of a Tex Avery wolf)

HUMMINA HUMMINA HUMMINA HUMMINA.

(glances at RIDLEY)

RIDLEY SCOTT

(gives him a thumbs-up)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

So Josie-feen and I got married, but then I had to win another war in Italy.

RIDLEY SCOTT

CUT! Joaquin, we removed the Italy scene, remember?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

But Italy's important. That's what the book said when we did research.

RIDLEY SCOTT

This fellow Napoleon won many wars. We can't very well show them all. My cupboard can only hold so much. Let's take it from getting married. And... ACTION!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

So Josie-feen and I got married, but then I had to win another war in Egypt.

The HOODED KIDS painstakingly wheel out a very large PYRAMID SETPIECE.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

FIRE!

KIDS

(hurl dodgeballs)

HOODED KIDS

(wheel pyramids offstage)

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

That sure was a great war I won! And Egypt's cool. Maybe I'll stay for a while and look at mummies and stuff.

TAHAR RAHIM

No can do, Napoleon. I hear Josie-feen's being a bad wife.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

WHAT?! I'm going back to France right this minute!

He grabs VANESSA by the arm and pulls her to his side.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Josie-feen, have you been a bad wife?

VANESSA KIRBY

(looks down at feet)

Yes, Napoleon.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

NO! I DON'T WANT A BAD WIFE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD WIFE WHO MAKES BABIES! NOW SAY YOU'RE SORRY!

VANESSA KIRBY

(still looking)

I'm sorry.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

I 'cept your apology.

Little PAUL RHYS, carrying a CROWN, runs up and tugs on JOAQUIN's sleeve.

PAUL RHYS

Excuse me, Mr. Napoleon, sir? The Dectory isn't good anymore. Can you be in charge of France now?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Sure thing, Mr. Talleywhack!

He removes his BICORNE and swaps it with the CROWN.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Okay, listen up, France. We're gonna do things fairer, freer, and equaler from now on. First--

RIDLEY SCOTT

CUT! We removed that scene too, remember, Joaquin?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Oh, yeah. I have to win another war, right?

RIDLEY SCOTT

Precisely.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(thinks)

Okay. Yeah. So then I went to beat Australia at the Battle of Mango.

A few KIDS split off from the ensemble. JOAQUIN goes to the front of the larger group and brandishes a TINFOIL-COVERED CARDBOARD SWORD at the other.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

CHARGE!

KIDS

(also brandishing swords)

RAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

They run at each other. JOAQUIN's group uses their "SWORDS" to bonk the HEADS of the ones who split off, "killing" them.

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

That was really good. But Josie-feen was still bad.

VANESSA rejoins him.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

I want you to make babies!

VANESSA KIRBY

No!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Then you can't be Mrs. Napoleon anymore!

VANESSA KIRBY

Oh no! WAAAAAH!

(runs off)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

So I got a new Mrs. Napoleon named Mary Lou, and she made me a baby.

Little ANNA MAWN joins him, holding a BABY DOLL.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Good work, Mary Lou. You and the baby can go now.

ANNA MAWN

Thank you, Napoleon.

She rejoins the ensemble.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

But then I had my biggest war ever. I had to go to a place called Easteritz so I could beat the king of Australia AND the king of Russia.

Little MILES JUPP and ÉDOUARD PHILIPPONAT flank JOAQUIN.

MILES JUPP

Mr. Scott?

RIDLEY SCOTT

Yes, Miles?

MILES JUPP

I'm not a king. I'm an emper.

ÉDOUARD PHILIPPONAT

I'm not a king either. I'm a tuh-sar.

RIDLEY SCOTT

I assure you, no one will notice. They probably won't have known in the first place. Now let's have us a war!

MILES JUPP

(shrugs and turns to JOAQUIN)

I'm gonna kick your butt.

ÉDOUARD PHILIPPONAT

I'm gonna kick your butt too.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Oh yeah? I'm gonna kick BOTH your butts!

MILES and ÉDOUARD move to the opposite side of the stage from the ensemble. JOAQUIN faces them.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(brandishes)

CHARGE!

KIDS

(brandish swords)

RAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

They "kill" MILES.

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

ÉDOUARD PHILIPPONAT

Ha ha! You didn't kick my butt!

(blows a raspberry)

(runs off)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

That does it! We're going to take over Russia!

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

But Russia is a really big place that's also really cold.

KIDS

("shiver")

Brrrrrrrrrr.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

So when we got back to France, I was in big trouble.

PAUL RHYS

(rejoins him)

Everyone's mad at you, Mr. Napoleon. You're going to have a time-out on the island of Elbow.

KIDS

(gasp)

The HOODED KIDS wheel out a big PALM TREE PROP. JOAQUIN walks over to it and sits at its base.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

This place is boring. I wish Josie-feen was here. She was a bad wife who didn't make babies, but she was also lots of fun.

(frowns)

Mr. Scott?

RIDLEY SCOTT

What is it, Joaquin?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Vanessa--I mean, Josie-feen and Napoleon never had any fun. They didn't play Roblox or nothing.

RIDLEY SCOTT

They might have played Roblox offstage. We don't need to show it. Let's continue.

LITTLE MAILMAN

(enters)

MA-AIL! GET YER MA-AIL!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Can I have some mail?

LITTLE MAILMAN

Sure, Mr. Napoleon.

(hands him a letter and exits)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(begins reading)

"Dear Joaquin..."

VANESSA KIRBY

(goes to the center of the stage)

"I'm really sick. Come back to France and make me feel better. Love, Vanessa."

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(closes letter)

The island of Elbow is stupid. I'm going back.

The HOODED KIDS replace the PALM TREE PROP with one the SHIP PROPS from before. They push it alongside JOAQUIN, who joins VANESSA, before pulling it back.

VANESSA KIRBY

Uh-oh! Too late!

("faints")

("dies")

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

JOSIE-FEEN! NOOOOOOOOOO!

KIDS

(in attempted unison)

It's okay, Mr. Napoleon. We're still your friends.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Really? Then it's time to win one more war! This time we're gonna beat the king of England!

KIDS

YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!

Little RUPERT EVERETT joins him.

RUPERT EVERETT

I'm gonna kick your butt.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

No, you won't! I'll kick YOUR butt! Just like I kicked all the other butts! I'M THE BESTEST BUTTKICKER IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

The KIDS form two "ARMIES" of roughly equal size. Each of the HOODED KIDS pushes a TRENCH PROP in front of them.

RUPERT EVERETT

Um, Mr. Scott? Mr. Scott?

RIDLEY SCOTT

(sighs)

What would you like to know THIS time, Rupert?

RUPERT EVERETT

The book didn't say there was trenches.

RIDLEY SCOTT

Books say a lot of things! Now CHARGE!

KIDS

(climb over the trenches and brandish swords)

RAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

This time there are "DEATHS" on both sides, until only JOAQUIN and RUPERT are still standing. RUPERT bonks JOAQUIN with his SWORD.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Awww, you kicked my butt.

RUPERT EVERETT

I sure did. Now you're gonna go to a different island and have a time-out FOREVER. HA HA HA!

He exits. The HOODED KIDS bring the PALM TREE PROP to center stage. JOAQUIN stands in front of it.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Well, I didn't win the last war. But I won a lot of wars and kicked a lot of butts. And that's why everyone knows about Napoleon Boney-part.

The "dead" KIDS stand up.

KIDS

THE! END!

They all bow. MARTIN stops playing. RIDLEY stands up and claps.

RIDLEY SCOTT

BRAVO! Well done indeed, my young thespians! You've made the story of Napoleon both accessible to the masses and brilliantly creative!

(wipes eye with a handkerchief)

Truly, I CAN do this for a living. I CAN.

KIDS

(exchange confused looks)

RIDLEY SCOTT

Now, who wants a choc ice?

KIDS

ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!

END