FADE IN:

INT. TRAIN - LONDON

MATT DAMON takes a train to LONDON as he reads a newspaper article written about him. He contacts the reporter, PADDY CONSIDINE.

MATT DAMON

Hey, tell me who gave you all of that information.

PADDY CONSIDINE

Nobody, I swear! I just read the Robert Ludlum books.

MATT DAMON

Bullshit! The Ludlum books have almost nothing to do with these movies. Meet me in Waterloo station.

He DOES. MATT slips a phone into PADDY'S pocket and then calls it.

MATT DAMON

Your phones are all being monitored, so I gave you this new one.

PADDY CONSIDINE

Wow, an iPhone! You're the best, Matt Damon. Hey, wait, what if they had just bugged my jacket instead of my phone?

MATT DAMON

If they had done that, I would have miraculously applied countermeasures specifically for that. It doesn't matter what the government thinks to do, I always know how to circumvent it, and I can magically predict which tactics they will take, even when they have a dozen equally valid options. Spy training includes a few classes on mindreading.

PADDY CONSIDINE

Despite the fact that you have managed to keep me out of harm's way using your superhuman powers of movement calculation, I will suddenly not trust you and run out into the middle of the station randomly.

He DOES, and he gets SHOT.

MATT DAMON

Fuck! Yet another person has gotten killed because I got too close to them. For some reason, I will feel no responsibility for this death, and instead I will take his notes and run off to find his source.

BYSTANDER

Hey, did you just take his wallet? He just took that guys wallet!

MATT figures out who the STAGE 2 BOSS is with the help of PADDY'S NOTES and a search engine, because no modern mystery is complete without a gratuitous use of every screenwriter's favorite plot mover, GOOGLE.

Meanwhile...

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

Scumbag asshole DAVID STRATHAIRN tries to find MATT DAMON. He is BOSSY and DICKISH, so he recruits JOAN ALLEN for help, who immediately becomes BOSSY and DICKISH as well.

JOAN ALLEN

Matt Damon is the hardest guy to track in the entire known universe. Matt Damon is totally awesome and can kill anyone he wants just by looking at them. Matt Damon only sleeps for one hour a day, which he does in 10 second stretches throughout an entire day. Matt Damon can pierce your skull with his erection. Matt Damon can prove P=NP. God prays to Matt Damon to win the lottery. He rocks ass.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Isn't it kind of lazy to just have you come in and explain Matt's character, rather than illustrate how awesome he is?

JOAN ALLEN

The entire premise of this franchise is the "guy wakes up with amnesia, tries to figure out who he is" cliche. Lazy writing is the only thing this series knows.

EXT. SPAIN

Back in EUROPE, MATT DAMON follows some clues to a building, where he happens to find JULIA STILES.

MATT DAMON

You? What the hell are you doing here?

JULIA STILES

I was contractually obligated to appear, so I was written in awkwardly. Amazing coincidence I'd be here at the same time you arrived, eh?

MATT DAMON

Hmm. Yes, it is quite the coincidence. Normally this sort of serendipity would indicate something suspicious is going on, but given the quality of the writing so far, I'll actually assume this really is just stupid luck. Will you help me get my life back and betray your organization?

JULIA STILES

The same organization that has killed people for betraying them, with my assistance?

MATT DAMON

Yeah, that one.

JULIA STILES

Sure, why not? I definitely trust you, even though the last time I saw you, you held a gun to my head and made me cry in a subway broom closet.

She helps him get his NEXT CLUE, but an ASSASSIN tries to kill them both.

ASSASSIN

You're no match for me, Matt Damon. I'm the first character in the series that's actually smarter than you.

MATT DAMON

Since I can't outsmart you, I'll just revert to being a brainless brute that beats the shit out of you like a fucking caveman. MATT DAMON SMASH!

MATT begins to fight the ASSASSIN as the CAMERAMAN has an EPILEPTIC FIT. We assume the fight is BAD ASS, but we can't tell if the camera is even facing it.

MATT DAMON

Julia, you're going to have to dye your hair, change your name, leave your job behind, cut off all contact from your family and friends, and move to another country right away.

JULIA STILES

Ugh, getting involved with you in any way really sucks. I guess I should feel lucky that I'm the first person you've met that didn't wind up getting shot in the head.

MATT DAMON

Ouch.

INT. NEW YORK CITY

MATT DAMON, for the first time in the series, returns to the UNITED STATES.

MATT DAMON

Yeah! We're finally out of exotic foreign cities and back in New York, where pretty much every other movie is set! This must be so exciting for the audience!

MATT calls JOAN ALLEN.

JOAN ALLEN

Extraneous Characters R' Us, how may I direct your call?

MATT DAMON

It's me, Matt Damon. I assume that you've grown to respect how awesome I am since you tried to apprehend me in the last movie, so you'll probably be willing to help me now. Oh, by the way... I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH YOUR HAIR!!!!

JOAN ALLEN

OH MY GOD!!!! NOT ONLY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE, BUT YOU ARE ALSO WATCHING ME!!!

MATT DAMON

THAT'S RIGHT!! THAT'S HOW FUCKING CRAZY AWESOME I AM!!!

JOAN ALLEN

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!

MATT DAMON

Man, I love that trick. I can't believe that shit still surprises you, since I've revealed I could see you in every single phone conversation we've ever had.

JOAN ALLEN

Oh yeah. Well anyway, your real birthday is 4/15/71.

MATT DAMON

4/15/71.. hey, that's a code for an address! Kind of a shitty code, though.

JOAN ALLEN

Yeah well, I told you at the end of the last movie too, and you didn't get it until now. The government guys who you keep outsmarting are sure to figure it out though, so you better get over there.

He DOES, and he finds ALBERT FINNEY.

MATT DAMON

What did you do to me? Why am I a totally awesome ass-kicking machine?

ALBERT FINNEY

You were part of a program codenamed Treadstone, but also codenamed Blackbriar so that this movie would seem fresher. We trained you to be an action movie star.

MATT DAMON

But why? Why did you take my life?

ALBERT FINNEY

You volunteered, dipshit.

MATT DAMON

Really?

ALBERT FINNEY

Yeah. So are you going to kill me now, or what?

MATT DAMON

I guess not. I mean, I volunteered, so it's my own damn fault.

ALBERT FINNEY

So now what?

MATT DAMON

I guess I'll just leave or something. Um, sorry for bothering you.

ALBERT FINNEY

This trilogy won't really end this anticlimactically, will it?

It DOES.

END