FADE IN:

EXT. THE OCEAN

A 1956 MICHEAL CAINE ROADSTER discusses his SPY MISSION with the TALKING BOAT it's riding.

1956 MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER

I'm worried, Talking Boat. Normally the short film before a Pixar feature is whimsical and imaginative, or at least charming. The one just now was like a vestigial tail on the end of the Toy Story franchise. Has Pixar finally sold its soul to lazy capitalist-minded movie making?

TALKING BOAT

Of course not! Now use your magnetic tires to drive up the side of that oil rig and complete your tensionless mission!

1956 MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER

It's a good thing these tires, developed by FUCKTRYING Corp., will only magnetize to the metal oil rig and not any part of my metal body.

The MICHAEL ROADSTER spies on some bad cars but is CAUGHT. During its escape there is a GUNFIGHT, several EXPLOSIONS, and presumably multiple DEATHS.

1956 MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER

Now that a Pixar movie has a higher body count than Die Hard I can sneak away in only semi-failure!

The ROADSTER escapes by turning into a SUBMARINE, making the TALKING BOAT even less useful.

EXT. RADIATOR SPRINGS

A 1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK stereotypes at ANYONE IT SEES.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Well Howdy y'all! I'm up 'n here ta tell ya 'bout this 1994 Owen Wilson Stock Car I met in that there last moovie! It's the best friend I ever had 'n I loove it like a bruther!

1994 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

Ok, racial stereotypes are tasteless but redneck ones are funny. Now that we've made that clear let's go to a bar.

They do so, where they meet a 1980 JOHN TURTURRO F1 RACER!

1980 JOHN TURTURRO F1 RACER

That Owen Wilson model sucks my ball bearings! I'm better than it at everything, including racing and car sex.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Nobody makes fuun uv my friend's racin'! It's faster 'n yoo and it'll pruve it at that there World Gran Pree!

1994 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

I'll humbly accept this challenge to get this dirge of a movie on the road. By the way, what's the extra, personal dimension to my conflict which I need as the protagonist?

1980 JOHN TURTURRO F1 RACER

Oh you just want to beat me. Larry's the main character of this movie.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Hope y'all folks 'n the awdience brought yer flasks!

Those that DID quickly DRAIN them.

EXT. JAPAN

The cars arrive at a lavish party hosted by a 1982 EDDIE IZZARD HYBRID. The LARRY TRUCK proceeds to make a COMPLETE JACKASS out of itself, finally spilling OIL on the EDDIE HYBRID.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Well that thar's purdy strange! I never dun leaked oil buhfore!

1982 EDDIE IZZARD HYBRID

What I find odd is how this is being equated to a pee joke. Considering oil's vital importance to cars a more suitable metaphor would be to blood or bone marrow. Something people can't leak everywhere without dying. No, wait. That would be clever. Forget it.

The LARRY TRUCK goes to the BATHROOM to clean itself off while being observed by the MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER and a 1995 EMILY MORTIMER COUPE.

1956 MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER

We're supposed to meet an American contact with a spy package here and I'm pretty sure it's that Larry Truck.

1995 EMILY MORTIMER COUPE

The really conspicuous one that ate a mound of wasabi which it mistook for mint ice cream?

1956 MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER

Yes. Why do you ask?

The EMILY COUPE meets the LARRY TRUCK, which is in possession of the SPY PACKAGE through a very BORING sequence of ACTION PACKED EVENTS.

1995 EMILY MORTIMER COUPE

If you're a spy, tell me the password only us spies know.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Iz it password?

1995 EMILY MORTIMER COUPE

Actually it is. Since the plot requires us to meet again, we should meet again.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Dah-gum a date! I ain't had one uh those since my sister model was discontinuud!

The cars prepare for the first race of the World Grand Prix, which is being covered by THREE BROADCAST VANS.

2001 DARRELL WALTRIP VAN

Hey everyone it's me Darrell Waltrip! I'm a racing sportscaster in real life! Isn't this a clever cameo?

1973 BRENT MUSBURGER VAN

No. It isn't. Who is Pixar trying to amuse by putting real racing personalities here? Kids are too young to know who we are and their parents are blissfully passed out by now so they won't notice either.

1979 DAVID HOBBS VAN

Honestly the only person who is old and sober enough to appreciate us right now is a satirist. Or a pedophile.

ENTIRE CAST

But definitely not both!

The RACE BEGINS and THE AERODYNAMICALLY SUPERIOR JOHN TURTURRO RACER is unable to create an INSSURMOUNTABLE LEAD in another failed attempt at TENSION.

1994 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

I really hope the Larry Truck gives me good advice about the track via the team radio, despite the fact that it can't see 95% of the race from the pit box.

The EMILY MORTIMER COUPE picks now to contact the LARRY TRUCK, which goes to the MEETING because it thinks with its TRUCK NUTS.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

(into radio)

Aw shucks it's them thar bad cars again! 'N ther chasin' us! 'N shootin'! Better turn LEFT!

1994 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

Turn left? Despite this advice making no sense and being filled with interference, I shall follow it.

IT DOES and consequently LOSES THE RACE.

1994 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

Damnit Larry this was completely your fault and not remotely mine! Go back to Radiator Springs while I go to Italy.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Duh, okay.

1956 MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER

Say Larry! I still think you're a spy because I haven't paid any attention to anything you've said or done since I met you. Come to Italy to continue our mission!

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Duuuh, okay.

1995 EMILY MORTIMER COUPE

Well you're officially the most dependant protagonist in a movie since Trainspotting.

EXT. ITALY

Everything gets ready for the SECOND RACE.

1956 MICHAEL CAINE ROADSTER

Ok Larry, I have a voice activated disguise system that will let you spy on the bad cars' meeting.

The following MEETING SCENE is probably EVEN MORE RETARDED than you think. LARRY learns about the bad things' PLOT but is EXPOSED but ESCAPES.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Der usin' a heat lazer ta blow up da cars! It's desguized as a vihdeoh camera!

1995 EMILY MORTIMER COUPE

God I miss Match Point.

The SECOND RACE begins and conveniently EVERY CAR except the OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR and the JOHN TUTURRO RACER is blown up.

1980 JOHN TURTURRO F1 RACER

Despite this movie now surpassing the Friday the 13th franchise in total body count I should still easily win this race.

IT LOSES because the writers decided to COCKSLAP ISAAC NEWTON yet again.

1994 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

Hooray! I'm tied for the points lead with one race to go! Off to England!

1980 JOHN TURTURRO F1 RACER

So the so called World Grand Prix is three races long and only covers two continents.

1994 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

The creative team was allowed only one condescending representation of a non-Western power for this movie and they chose Japan. Seriously, they had a Japanese servant hologram douche the Larry Truck in the bathroom. That happened.

EXT. ENGLAND

Having been CAPTURED YET AGAIN GODDAMNIT, the LARRY TRUCK is held above an UNORIGINAL DEATH MACHINE along with the CAINE ROADSTER and the MORTIMER COUPE.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Dang y'all, looks like we hav az much chance of winnin' as Danica Patrick does in NASCAR. This looks like tha end.

Unfortunately it ISN'T, despite the MALEVOLENT WILL of EVERYONE LEFT IN THE AUDIENCE. The LARRY TRUCK escapes and goes to talk to the OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR even though the THIRD RACE has STARTED.

1991 LARRY THE CABLE TRUCK

Dah-gum them evil cars planted a bomb on me! I better ruhn away from the Wilson car with ma rocket boosters without lettin' him apologize fer yellin' at me earlier!

The LARRY TRUCK drives off and the WILSON STOCK CAR chases after it in the name of friendship. This scene is definitely EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS than you think. Eventually they run into the EDDIE IZZARD HYBRID.

1982 EDDIE IZZARD HYBRID

Yep I'm the antagonist. Turns out I'm not a hybrid but a poorly built gas guzzler. Fords, amirite? Anyway I hate you all and want to blow you up. Speaking of which, why didn't the Wilson car explode when my minions lazered it a billion times over the course of the race?

1995 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

I used Tommy Chong's special organic fuel and it saved me! By the way, Tommy Chong is in this movie.

1982 EDDIE IZZARD EDSEL

What does that mean? Is that an endorsement of juicing or recreational drugs?

EXT. RADIATOR SPRINGS

1995 OWEN WILSON STOCK CAR

Gee John Turturro Racer, it's great that we're randomly friends now but since everyone stopped paying attention to the race we don't know which of us is faster.

1980 JOHN TUTURRO F1 RACER

Jesus at least when other Pixar movies ignored physics it was for the sake of an imaginative story. Let's just inconclusively race off into the sunset.

As UNSATISFYING as this idea is, it brings about the BEST PART of the movie which is THE

END