FADE IN:

INT. MARRIAGE COUSENLING CLINIC FOR POOR PEOPLE

JURNEE SMOLETT-BELL

Welcome to my counseling clinic. For this portion of the clinic, I'm going to ask for all men to leave... Now that it's just us girls, I have one word of advice: Stop cheating on your husband or God will smite you with his unforgiving plagues of righteousness.

CONFUSED WOMAN

Um, what?

JURNEE SMOLETT-BELL

Confusion is four of the seven deadly sins. The other three is whore. Do you know what that equals? Six. Six. Six. So gather round concubines of the night, apples of the Adam, Cains of the Abel. I shall tell you a tale...

INT. RURAL TOWN - SOME YEARS EARLIER

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL and LANCE GROSS are high school sweethearts.

LANCE GROSS

We've been inseparable since we were five years old. Let me make our love eternal in the eyes of God and man. Will you make me the happiest man since Abraham begot his only son, Isaac, father of the Israelites?

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Lance, are you trying to ask me to marry you? Of course I will, lover. Alas, my mom is an old crabby, religious twat. She'll probably say we can't.

JURNEE'S mom, ELLA JOYCE, is Flanders-ing around the church when the two young lovers approach.

LANCE GROSS

I want to marry your daughter and move away to Washington D.C. where I can run a pharmacy.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Please mom? I want to move there too and open my own marriage counseling clinic.

ELLA JOYCE

These are pipe dreams of the young and stupid that are bound to fall apart in an sexually transmitted mix-um-up. Of course you can!

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Yay! Now all of my dreams will come true. As long as I stay on the straight and narrow path that only certain denominations define as uncompromising rules of ethics loosely based on scripture, I should be fine.

ELLA JOYCE

That'a girl. Live every Friday like it's Good Friday.

JURNEE and LANCE move to Washington D.C. while the MOVIE glazes over the years of thankless and grueling education it takes to become a therapist and pharmacist.

INT. SHABBY APARTMENT

The small APARTMENT looks as FRUITLESS as the barren fig tree Jesus withered out of spite. GOD HATES FIGS!

LANCE GROSS

Here we are, my lamb. Washington D.C.: the land of milk, honey, and gentrification.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

This crummy shit hole? I was expecting a mansion by the time I was 24 years old. You're the worst husband. At least Lot's wife morphed into a salt pillar when she looked at the butt-fucked place she had to stay.

LANCE GROSS

It's not that bad, my love. I am working extra hours at the pharmacy to make ends meet. Soon I'll have enough to fund the private therapy clinic you want so badly.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Fuck you. Jesus, now I'm late for my insufferable job where I work for a multimillionaire investor. Some might call it a "dream job" but they don't know the suffering of a 24-year-old whose life doesn't mirror unrealistic expectations.

JURNEE storms off.

INT. FANCY OFFICE

KIM KARDASHIAN is wearing $2,500 worth of harlot attire that would make Mary Magdalene blush.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

I'm not sure what either of us do here at this millionaire's investment firm, but dressing like you're perpetually an extra in a rap video seems to be working for you.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Kim Kardashian dresses in the finest Louis Gucci Versace. Bitch, have you been keeping up? I'm Kim Kardashian. You know, from the show about Kim Kardashian and her less famous family? Let me show you how it's done. Step one: latch onto a successful man. Step two: wallow in undeserved riches. Step three: fuck the haters/Jesus.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Your worship of fame, money, and false idols is perfect casting. You're too dumb to understand the subtext and too lazy to read the entire script.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Reading is for ugly girls. Anyway, there is a super hot millionaire who wants our boss to invest in his start-up app thingy for telephone computers. It's like a network for social interactions. Like Twitter but also, not at all like Twitter... Maybe if a school bus fire had a baby with Instagram but with more pedophiles. I think he calls it "BeelzeHub".

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

I wish my husband were a millionaire.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Bitch. People have had headaches that lasted longer and were more sexually satisfying than my first marriage. Sometimes Jurnee has to do Jurnee.

A handsome, young MILLIONAIRE walks into the office.

ROBBIE JONES

Excuse me, I'm looking for investors and anyone else interested in faustian... Err. I mean REGULAR bargains.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Thanks to Kim Kardashian's little-to-no persuading, I'm in the market for cheating on my dead-beat pharmacist husband with a rich businessman.

ROBBIE JONES

Girl, you best build an ark, because I'm gonna make it rain.

JURNEE and ROBBIE fly off on a plane for a "business trip" to Paris or somewhere equally expensive. The trip is for app phone related business ONLY.

INT. PHARMACY

LANCE GROSS reads scripture to pass time in the pharmacy because BUSINESS IS SLOW. BRANDY NORWOOD enters with a filled out application.

LANCE GROSS

It looks like you have all the qualifications. The only problem is that you forgot to fill out the "Enigmatic Sexual History" section of your application.

BRANDY NORWOOD

I would rather allude to it rather than stating it outright. It has to do with my sins and the consequences of sinners. Specifically the consequences of my immune system via my genitals.

LANCE GROSS

I think you'll fit in here just fine.

INT. AIRPLANE

JURNEE and ROBBIE are flying back from their "business trip". The subject of sex comes up as NATURALLY as apes evolving into man over millions of years (unnaturally).

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

That trip was full of business.

ROBBIE JONES

Have you ever had sex on the trunk of a female Indian Elephant while she was in heat and look up to the harvest moon as it cascades azure sonatas on your naked flesh?

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

HA! My flaccid excuse for a husband only porks me in the shitty apartment he bought in order to support my selfish dreams.

ROBBIE JONES

Are you serious? He only porks you in the house? Has he porked you with a mouse? Has he porked you in the air?

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

He doesn't pork me anywhere.

ROBBIE then COVETS thy neighbors wife, JURNEE, on the PLANE.

INT. SHABBY APARTMENT

LANCE GROSS

How was your business trip? Businessy as usual?

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Um, yes. I definitely got the business... taken care of. I sure did get busy... with all the paperwork. Anyway, I am tuckered out from getting it on with a new man...ner of streamlining we're using to pull potential investors.

LANCE GROSS

I trust you implicitly. I hired a new cashier at the pharmacy. Oh, and your mother called. She is coming to stay with us for a few days.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

God, you're so BORING! I have to work late tonight. Don't stay up.

She LEAVES

INT. ROBBIE'S MANSION

ROBBIE JONES

I knew you'd come. Look what I have in store for you.

CUTS UP lines of COCAINE

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

What is that powder? Did you buy that from a gay?

ROBBIE JONES

This is cocaine, 100% Puerto Rican Fratricide, Paris Hilton's Continental Breakfast, Louisiana Carpet-burn, Knight Rider's Taint.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

That's enough of that.

ROBBIE JONES

Agreed. Let's put this in our faces and bone in my hot tub.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

You had me at Knight Rider's Taint.

They BONE in the HOT TUB. Making HOT TUB SEX look enjoyable is perhaps the MOST TENABLE MISAPPREHENSION this movie perpetuates.

INT. SHABBY APARTMENT

JURNEE'S mom, ELLA JOYCE, is up waiting for her daughter's arrival. JURNEE stumbles in.

ELLA JOYCE

Where have you been, young lady? It's two in the morning. You know what they say about the devil after midnight?

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

(sniffles)

I don't give two fucks about the devil idioms right now. Why don't you go pray for your fat ass to find you a real man?

ELLA JOYCE

The hell has gotten into you? Whatchu sniffling for. Let me see your face.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Mom, you know exactly what I'm on. SIN!

ELLA JOYCE

(Throws water)

The power of Christ compels you!

ROBBIE JONES ENTERS. ROBBIE sees the God powers at work and (for real) UPPERCUTS ELLA JOYCE's punk ass like she was reaching for the last BluRay player on Black Friday. ROBBIE and JURNEE shriek off into the NIGHT.

INT. NIGHTCLUB: HELL

FIRE ILLUMINATES the sinful nightclub. Ladies drink free till 10. The AIR REEKS of drugs, bisexuals, and Harry Potter. JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL is limp from the power the ROBBIE JONES has cast over her. LANCE GROSS enters.

LANCE GROSS

My love! What dark spell has this demon cast upon you?

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

(laughs in the tongue of ten thousand dead pharaohs)

ROBBIE JONES

Blind. Driven by darkness. I am her god now.

LANCE GROSS

Baby, I forgive you. Please just come back with me.

ROBBIE JONES

Foolish mortal. Your passionate praises for a woman fall on deaf ears. Your compassion and lack of dick waving has lost you your wife. God himself mocks your insignificant genitalia. "No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord." -Deuteronomy 23:1

After receiving a burn from the FATHER OF FLAME, LANCE GROSS impotently limps into the night.

INT. PHARMACY - THE NEXT MORNING

BRANDY NORWOOD

You don't look so good.

LANCE GROSS

Have you ever had one of those nights where you find out your wife is a drug addict who is sleeping with the living embodiment of the fallen angel, Lucifer?

BRANDY NORWOOD

You have no idea. I've been meaning to tell you. I used to date this guy. He gave me the devil's howdya-do. Yes, I'm talking about the HIV. His name was... ROBBIE JONES!

RECORD SCRATCH!

LANCE GROSS

Have you ever had one of those mornings, after finding out your wife was non-kosher porking the Anti-Christ, only to find out the inevitable? HIV and the devil are one in the same?

BRANDY NORWOOD

I feel that everyday. But in hindsight, I can only blame myself for getting the AIDS. I knew he was a bad guy. I knew he was cheating on me, and I still slept with him. That makes contracting a life threatening virus completely, 100% my fault.

THIS IS COMPLETELY, 100% THE ACTUAL MORAL OF THE STORY.

INT. MARRIAGE COUSENLING CLINIC FOR POOR PEOPLE - PRESENT DAY

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

Now do you see the error of your ways? I know you're Frenching the devil's baguette all over town. Bitches being adulterous is literally the only reason anyone would be in a marriage counseling clinic.

Am I right, LADIES? #Gamergate

CONFUSED WOMAN

Fuck me. You nailed it. You are the most right anyone has ever been. The only way to not get AIDS is to only fuck my husband, as Jesus intended.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

And no butt stuff. But that's pretty much implied. Now that I have shown you the error and inevitable consequence of your ways, I must excuse myself...

EXT. THE PHARMACY - PRESENT DAY

The Pharmacy is booming with business. A sickly woman enters.

JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL

May I have some more HIV medication please?

LANCE GROSS

The usual? Sure thing. Even though God has rewarded me with a money pumping pharmacy and a new non-HIV wife, I remain humble. Your punishment for being kinda slutty for a couple of days is directly proportional to your sins.

GOD

(high-fives Tyler Perry)

That's how life works!

GOD and TYLER PERRY throw on their bitchin' shades and dance to MONTELL JORDAN'S "THIS IS HOW WE DO IT". They fade into darkness as the credits roll.

CREDITS ROLL

CRITICS

Mr. Perry, some say that correlating HIV to morality is reductive and misleading. Others say you're merely pandering to a small group of misinformed, science denying, Bible thumpers.

TYLER PERRY

This film was simply a postlude from my cinematic exploration of non-violent convicts serving life in prison without the possibility of parole. The vast majority of which come from an impoverished background and are usually Hispanic or African American. It expressed the loneliness of prison life alongside a commentary of the broken prison system in the United States.

CRITICS

Yes, I'm familiar with Madea's Witness Protection. Any plans for the future?

TYLER PERRY

I'm planning on capturing the essence of the more subtle nuances derived from String and Chaos Theory in a love letter to Kubrick's 2001. I call it, "Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry's 'Madea Orbizzles Space n' Shit' Tyler Perry".

END.