FADE IN:

INT. CAB OF AN 18 WHEELER

On a dark and stormy night KURT RUSSELL drives his truck into SAN FRANCISCO. Alone in his CAB, he broadcasts his PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE to anyone lucky enough to hear his GENIUS.

KURT RUSSELL

(into a Ham Radio)

Kicking ass by day, tapping ass by night. That's how I live my life, buster. The road is a tough and lonely gig, but I'm here to say that livin' fast tastes sweeter than dyin' slow.

KURT takes a bite into a six foot long sub sandwich. The roast beef is so rare that KURT can hear the screams of cows being brought to slaughter by his teeth.

KURT RUSSELL

(mouth full of dying cattle)

Yes sir. Driftin' is the only way to roll. Got a shipment of testosterone supplements I gotta drop off in China town. I could have just walked here and let the Chinese drain the sweet nectar out of my plumbs, but I gotta drive my truck so I can make a buck.

Apathetically he honks his semi's HORN at the passing Ferrari full of Playboy models flashing him.

KURT RUSSELL

Tell it to my ex-wife, heifers.

He drives into CHINATOWN.

INT. CHINATOWN BAR

KURT repeatedly jabs a KNIFE into the table between his FINGERS while simultaneously drinking a bottle of WHISKEY and reading US WEEKLY. DENNIS DUN approaches.

DENNIS DUN

Hey Kurt, I bet you infinity dollars I can cut that whiskey bottle in half with your knife.

KURT RUSSELL

You couldn't cut the foreskin off the broad side of Tommy Lee's man-barn. I could use that money though. Alright Dennis, let's see what you got.

DENNIS tries to cut the BOTTLE and fails. The bottle goes flying at KURT's FACE, but using his cougar-like reflexes, KURT catches the bottle with his PINKY FINGER.

KURT RUSSELL

That'll be infinity dollars. I only take cold, wet cash that's been soaked in the blood of my enemies.

DENNIS DUN

See, I don't really have all of the money. I left it at the... airport? Yeah, the airport. That's where I leave all my money because, you know, I'm a frequent flyer. Let's go.

KURT RUSSELL

All this airport business smells fishier than your mother's vagina. Fuck it... Is what I did to your mom's steamy clam bake, so why not say, "fuck it," to this? Let's go get that airport money.

DENNIS DUN

Oh, and there is also a Chinese girl we have to pick up. That's kind of important.

INT. AIRPORT

KURT and DENNIS are standing at the GATE waiting for what has only been so-far described as a CHINESE GIRL.

DENNIS DUN

This girl has green eyes. Do you know how rare that is in Chinese girls? Super rare.

KURT RUSSELL

Chinese ancestry with green eyes? Is that a real thing?

NOPE.

KURT notices KIM CATTRALL staring across the terminal at his clearly visible PANTS HOSE.

KURT RUSSELL

Hey Dennis, all this talk about mystical women awoke my downstairs dungeon dragon. I'm gonna go tell this broad how lucky she just became.

KURT walks over to KIM in slow motion. The camera slowly pans up KURTS silhouette while KIM watches in a noticeable state of AROUSAL. TWO THUGS, dressed in what YOUR GRANDMOTHER thinks thugs wear, approach KURT.

DENNIS DUN

(yelling across the terminal)

Watch out Kurt! The China Town ninja gang is attacking!

CHINA TOWN NINJA GANG

We're here for the Chinese girl with green eyes.

(pulls out nunchucks)

KIM CATTRALL

I'm here for the Chinese girl with green eyes.

KURT RUSSELL

I came here for a Chinese girl and to kick ass. And I'm all out of Chinese girl.

KURT starts kicking China Town ninja ass all over an AIRPORT which is surprisingly laid back about street brawls in their terminal. The CHINA TOWN NINJA GANG is able to turn the tables on KURT using NINJA WEAPONS and kidnap the CHINESE GIRL WITH GREEN EYES.

EXT. CHINA TOWN

KURT and DENNIS are in pursuit of the CHINA TOWN NINJA GANG.

KURT RUSSELL

What do ninjas want with this Chinese girl? And what does Kim Cattrall have to do with this?

DENNIS DUN

No time to explain! We have to get to their gang hideout.

They arrive at the gang hangout only to discover a CHINA TOWN GANG WAR.

KURT RUSSELL

What the hell is going on?

DENNIS DUN

These two gangs have kung fu showdowns here every Tuesday at 5. It's pretty standard "movie featuring Asians in the 80s" stuff.

The KUNG FU SHOWDOWN, choreographed by a Parkinson's patient on ecstasy, is HALTED by ANCIENT SAMURAI MAGIC GHOSTS. One GANG starts shooting the MAGIC GHOST SAMURAI with GUNS they forgot to use during their gang war. It has no effect.

KURT RUSSELL

We have to get out of here now.

DENNIS DUN

What about the Chinese girl with green eyes?

KURT RUSSELL

What the fuck is even going on? Ghost samurai? China Town mafia wars? Kim Cattrall?

DENNIS DUN

Let's get out of here. We need get back to my house before...

KURT RUSSELL

Before what? It's not like these ghosts are you going to straight-up magic this ninja mafia to death.

The SAMURAI GHOSTS straight-up MAGICS one of the NINJA MAFIAS to DEATH. KURT and DENNIS flee to DENNIS'S HOUSE.

INT. DENNIS DUN'S HOUSE

DENNIS DUN

So the Chinese girl with green eyes is my fiancé, and Kim Cattrall is...

KURT RUSSELL

You know what? I don't even care anymore, just give me my money. I'm getting back in my truck and getting out of here.

KIM CATTRALL bursts into DENNIS'S HOUSE.

KIM CATTRALL

That's no longer possible. The ninja gang stole your truck. As for the green eyed Chinese girl, the crime syndicate who I am trying to take down kidnapped her for ancient Chinese samurai resurrection stuff.

DENNIS DUN

Is no one going to mention that ninjas and samurai are Japanese?

NOPE.

KURT RUSSELL

Let me get this straight. This magic Chinese ninja gang needs, not only a green eyed Chinese girl, but my semi? I have another shipment of cocaine to deliver to the screenwriters of this movie.

DENNIS DUN

I think they've already had enough to make Fleetwood Mac blush.

KURT RUSSELL

Well I guess I'm in here for the long haul. Anyone want to tell me what is happening? I've seen a lot of bonkers shit go down, but this takes the cake. What exactly is Kim Cattrall doing here?

KIM CATTRALL

I'm a lawyer trying to take down James Hong, the Chinatown ghost samurai/street-gang ringleader.

KURT RUSSELL

Wait, what?

KIM CATTRALL

Don't you know anything? James Hong is an immortal Chinese samurai who feeds on the youth of Chinese and green-eyed women. He is also a businessman/gang lord because, why not?

KURT RUSSELL

The guy who was in critically acclaimed movies like "Blade Runner," "Chinatown," and "Airplane!" is an immortal businessman? Fair enough. No more questions will be asked.

DENNIS DUN

That's the spirit. We need to save my green-eyed fiancé from the evil clutches of James Hong.

KURT RUSSELL

What are we supposed to do, sneak into his hideout using Ninja Turtles tactics?

YEP.

INT. SEWER UNDER THE CHINATOWN GANG HIDEOUT

KIM CATTRALL

Cowabunga!

KURT RUSSELL

This is not radical. My wife beater is getting wet.

DENNIS DUN

Be quiet. They have super tight gang security.

KURT RUSSELL

How could they possibly find us in the sewers?

The NINJA GANG attacks them in the SEWERS. KURT and DENNIS murder like TWENTY DUDES with KICKS.

KURT RUSSELL

There goes our cover. Let's get out of here and rethink a way to get in here without having to swim through poop.

DENNIS DUN

If there is a way to infiltrate this gang hideout without bathing yourself in feces, I don't want to know about it.

KURT RUSSELL

Why are we friends?

More GANG MEMBERS show up. KURT, DENNIS, and KIM race towards the exit. KURT and DENNIS manage to escape. KIM gets caught by a MONSTER that looks like ALF meets BIG FOOT meets RETARDED.

INT. DENNIS DUN'S HOUSE

Having lost two GREEN-EYED WOMEN in JAMES HONG'S evil lair, KURT and DENNIS rethink their game plan.

KURT RUSSELL

Now Kim's gone, and she too has green eyes. What kind of big trouble have we gotten ourselves into? It's impossible to get into their hideout with so many ninjas, ghosts, and retarded Alf monsters guarding it.

DENNIS DUN

I have a secret weapon.

A bunch of GOOD GUY NINJAS walk through the door led by VICTOR WONG.

VICTOR WONG

You're looking to take down James Hong, eh? It seems we have similar interests.

KURT RUSSELL

You're into weird sexual butt stuff too?

VICTOR WONG

No! Well... yes, but that's not the point. I'm old and Chinese, and by the laws of Little China, that makes me magic. Also I have an army of ninjas.

KURT RUSSELL

See? Army of ninjas. That's the straightforward thinking that should have happened before we tried to break into their hideout through the sewers.

DENNIS DUN

Whatever. Try to bathe yourself in poop with a ninja army.

KURT RUSSELL

Jesus, man. Get your mind out of the shitter.

VICTOR WONG

Enough with the poop, you two. But yes, we are going back through the sewers. Let's go show James Hong what a real magic ninja army looks like. On three. One, two, three.

EVERYONE

(fists in the air)

HUZZAH!

They ALL suit up in NINJA ATTIRE except for KURT who prefers his WIFE BEATER/MOM JEANS combo.

INT. NINJA GANG HIDEOUT

Now equipped with MAGIC and NINJAS, they easily sneak through the SEWERS into the HIDEOUT.

KURT RUSSELL

Where is everyone? Last time this place was crawling with security.

VICTOR WONG

The wedding ceremony must have already begun. James Hong must marry his green-eyed girls in order to take their souls because it's more emasculating that way, women are things for men to control, etc.

KURT RUSSELL

These 80s movie misogyny metaphors aren't very discrete. Whatever, let's go save them with guns and pecks and not-at-all homoerotic choreographed fight scenes.

VICTOR WONG

Wait! First you and Dennis must drink this magic potion so you're able to kill the ghosts. Otherwise your punches and abs and flowing golden mullet-styled locks will not harm them.

They all DRINK the MAGIC POTION which is another metaphor as SUBTLE as a WWJD bracelet in a FISTING VIDEO.

KURT RUSSELL

(actual line)

I feel great! I feel invincible! Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

There is no FIRE or ANYTHING HOT in the scene after this LINE.

MOVIE WRITERS

(laying down more lines of blow)

Ha! We have fun here.

KURT, DENNIS, VICTOR, and the ninja army RUN up the stairs to STOP the WEDDING CEREMONY.

INT. WEDDING CEREMONY

JAMES HONG stands at an ALTER with KIM and CHINESE GIRL. The decorations imply the wedding's THEME is MENACING STRIP CLUB. HONG'S army of EVIL NINJAS and MONSTERS look on.

JAMES HONG

(pricking Kim's wrist)

Now I shall cut the girls and drink their green-eyed blood for my powers to be refilled.

KURT RUSSELL

Wait, is he a vampire too? Fuck it. Let's get this party started!

(shoots gun aimlessly)

The MAGIC NINJA ARMIES clash using MORTAL KOMBAT II POWERS with the special effects of a SNES. KIM CATTRALL escapes the clutches of JAMES HONG while the fight ensues. JAMES HONG escapes into his secret FINAL BOSS BUNKER with the CHINESE GIRL.

KIM CATTRALL

Thank God you came, Kurt. I was about to have my soul devoured. I don't know why he drank my blood. That's a fucked up way to say your vows.

KURT RUSSELL

All in a day's work, baby. This ninja fighting stuff is a cake walk for someone as white as me.

The ALF MONSTER attacks KURT from behind.

KIM CATTRALL

(daintily kicks the monster)

Take that!

MONSTER

(dies)

KURT RUSSELL

That was so hot. Have I told you that you look really beautiful when you're bleeding?

They MAKE OUT for an UNCOMFORTABLE amount of time.

KIM CATTRALL

Oh yeah, we should probably save the Chinese girl.

INT. FINAL BOSS BUNKER

JAMES HONG stands before the CHINESE GIRL WITH GREEN EYES.

JAMES HONG

You've been a pain in my side for far too long Mr. Russell. Now it's time for you to die.

KURT RUSSELL

Not so fast. You stole my semi and my girl. The punishment for either of those things is death, but for both... Well, um, still death.

KURT throws a KNIFE at JAMES and MISSES.

JAMES HONG

(picking up the knife)

It seems the tables have turned. My knife throwing skills are immortally unmatched. Prepare to meet your maker.

JAMES HONG throws the KNIFE at KURT, but using his cougar-like reflexes, KURT catches the KNIFE and throws it into JAMES'S HEAD. He DIES. DENNIS DUN enters out of nowhere doing ninja backflips.

DENNIS DUN

My green-eyed Chinese fiancé! You're finally safe.

The BUILDING starts collapsing.

KURT RUSSELL

We're not out of the woods yet.

They NARROWLY ESCAPE after finding KURT'S SEMI TRUCK.

INT. DENNIS DUN'S HOUSE

EVERYONE is PARTYING after defeating JAMES HONG and his MAGIC SAMURAI MAFIA.

VICTOR WONG

Kurt, you have shown me that being white and a better ninja than my entire army was not a 90s phenomenon. You have earned this old man's eternal respect and honor.

KURT RUSSELL

Cram it, gramps.

DENNIS DUN

Here's that infinity dollars I owe you. But more importantly, I owe you my life and the life of my fiancé.

KURT RUSSELL

Marriage is for pussies.

KIM CATTRALL

(sexy voice)

So now that you're a rich man, why don't you buy a little cottage for two. In the forest we could bask naked in the spring, and in the winter we could make love so filthy that the envious Greek Gods would fall from the heavens to watch us in our glory.

KURT RUSSELL

Fuck. You.

KURT gets back into his TRUCK and LEAVES.

END