EXT. HORSE FARM

YOUNG BILL SKARSGARD finds a horse wrapped in barbed wire. He gets so devastated by the tragedy that he sets a house on fire.

YOUNG BILL SKARSGARD

That was a metaphor for something. Maybe grief, revenge, justice, or commercialism.

(shrugs)

INT. ISABELLA WEI'S APARTMENT

ISABELLA WEI is FACE CHATTING with FKA TWIGS. She is frantic and urgent.

ISABELLA WEI

Stupid auto-correct. It keeps changing your name to FKA Twigs.

FKA TWIGS

That is my name.

ISABELLA WEI

Really? It sounds like tree kindling protected by the government...you know what? Nevermind. Remember that weird piano recital bender we did for the mega-rich guy?

FKA TWIGS

You have to be more specific. My whole career is weird piano recital benders for mega-rich guys.

ISABELLA WEI

The one that got super weird.

FKA TWIGS

(eyes light up)

Ohhhhhhh.

ISABELLA WEI

Yea. You are going to have to run. They want to murder you.

FKA TWIGS runs. She bumps into a SECURITY GUARD and her bag spills cocaine, heroin, Epstein lists, OJ's glove, and illegal emulator ROMS.

SECURITY GUARD

It's off to juvie for you.

SUPER IMPOSE: The Story of How Hot Topics Got So Popular in the 90s The Crow (2024)

INT. THERAPY PRISON FOR YOUNG DELINQUENTS WHO NEED HEALING

BILL "Ask me how I got these" SKARSGARD is wearing a pink jumpsuit with the other inmates who need caring and punishment.

PRISON COUNSELOR 1

Drop and give me fifty, maggot! I will shove my boot up your behind so far you will tie my laces with your teeth.

PRISON COUNSELOR 2

Let's talk about how the hurt and the pain in your past caused this trauma.

PRISON COUNSELOR 1

Maggot, I will hang you up by your toes and beat you with your legs! I want to spew on your ugly face!!!

PRISON COUNSELOR 2

We could talk about the negative experiences your parents gave you that led you down this unhealthy path. Sit on a beanbag chair and grab some tissues if you need to cry.

BILL SKARSGARD sits down at FKA TWIGS' table for lunch.

FKA TWIGS

I am new to this prison. Want to be friends? Are you here because you beat to death the barber who gave you that awful mullet? Is that "Business in the Front" and "The South Will Rise Again" in the back?

BILL SKARSGARD

No.

FKA TWIGS

Then it must be for killing the tattooist who turned your body into the world's ugliest Etch-A-Sketch.

BILL SKARSGARD

(changes the subject)

If there's anything I know about prison, healthy male and female relationships of trust and mutual respect must exist to survive. Let's share intimate details about our hopes and dreams.

FKA TWIGS

I was part of this piano recital, and things got extremely weird, and now they are coming to kill me.

BILL SKARSGARD

Let's escape. We don't want to mess with the Juilliard Mafia. They are ruthless.

They escape.

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT WITH ENOUGH FLOOR SPACE TO RUN A ZAMBONI THROUGH

BILL and FKA make it to safety, and they start jamming their body parts together in wild youthful passion. There is so much body jamming, fondling, touching, and debauchery that it makes Fifty Shades look like an abstinence PSA.

BILL SKARSGARD

I sincerely hope the audience gets the idea that we like each other.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

(after the third body jamming montage)

Ooooooooh. They are in love with each other! I get it now!

FKA TWIGS

I am not an easy person to love. I sometimes get suicidal, rebellious, bipolar, moody, sociopathic, traitorous, disloyal, passionate, forgetful, dissociative, constipated, and forgetful. But you need to promise me you will love me harder than you ever loved someone before.

BILL SKARSGARD

Ooooookay. No red flags there. What is on that cellphone you keep hidden away?

FKA TWIGS

Plot that is slowly leading to this franchise, but that is not important. Let's jam bodies together.

INT. FREAKY PIANO RECITAL- THE WILD AND LAWLESS PIANO RECITALS YOUR PARENTS HEAR ABOUT ON 20/20

ISABELLA WEI is dragged into the backroom where DANNY HUSTON is waiting with his SINISTER ACCOUNTANT- LAURA BIRN.

DANNY HUSTON

Do you know why I brought you here, Isabella?

ISABELLA WEI

You created a device that makes people fight each other, leading to the desecration of humanity.

DANNY HUSTON

That's my plot in The Naked Gun reboot, but I can see how you would get confused, seeing that this movie is just as silly. I need that cellphone that exposes my lecherous and unholy piano recitals.

(whispers something creepy in her ear)

ISABELLA takes a screwdriver and jams it into her skull.

LAURA BIRN

Did you use your persuasive powers?

DANNY HUSTON

Yup. I asked her to recreate a scene in Bird Box.

INT. BILL'S APARTMENT

BILL takes FKA to his apartment, which is lit by Marilyn Manson's entire blacklight collection.

BILL SKARSGARD

You will have to excuse the mess. I am sharing the room with some clown that feeds on children's fears.

DANNY HUSTON and LAURA BIRN surprise attack BILL and FKA and strangle them to death.

EXT. BRIDGE OVER A SWAMP IN A TRAINYARD

SAMI BOUAJILA and a bunch of CROWS meet BILL.

BILL SKARSGARD

Is this Heaven?

SAMI BOUAJILA

Unfortunately, yes. Heaven has faced financial hardships, and now God must lease a dreary swamp trainyard. But that is not important. The crows are calling you. Legend has it that when a soul dies, it gets carried by crows to the afterlife. Crows are famously known for soul transportation when they are not bringing you bits of string and loose buttons. The Crows won't get you to Heaven unless you kill the people who hurt FKA.

BILL SKARSGARD

Everyone involved? Is there a statute of limitations on that? Do I kill the guy who gives Danny Huston his bagels every morning? What about his Uber driver?

SAMI BOUAJILA

Look, keep the R-rating in the movie, and I will tell you when to stop.

INT. THE FIGHT SCENES OF BILL SKARSGARD

BILL comes back to life and meets DUKAGJIN PODRIMAJ, the corrupt cop who also partakes in some pretty twisted piano recitals.

BILL SKARSGARD

My revenge starts now.

(gets stabbed, shot, and punched)

BILL faces off with thugs with shotguns.

BILL SKARSGARD

Fear my wrath.

(gets disemboweled, wedgied, and turned into a shish-kebab)

BILL SKARSGARD writes a scathing Facebook post about DANNY HUSTON

BILL SKARSGARD

The written word revenge!

(gets hit by trains, rammed by trucks, and blown up)

BILL finds FKA's phone with the incriminating evidence on it. DANNY HUSTON whispers something to FKA, and she responds by stabbing an innocent girl.

BILL SKARSGARD

Craaaaaaaap! I don't blame her, though. She was probably getting paid in exposure.

EXT. BRIDGE OVER A SWAMP IN A TRAINYARD

BILL returns to the swamp. He doesn't even have time to greet Shrek.

BILL SKARSGARD

What happened? I was doing so well in those fight scenes! Almost a flawless victory.

SAMI BOUAJILA

Seeing FKA's video made you doubt your love for her, which in turn makes the pain of bullets and knives hurt you again.

BILL SKARSGARD

Wow, Huey Lewis and the News were so right. How can I go back and avenge her?

SAMI BOUAJILA

You need to take her place in Hell.

BILL SKARSGARD

Is it better than this train yard?

SAMI BOUAJILA

It's pretty much the same place, but the coffee is cold.

BILL SKARSGARD

(shudders)

INT. THE OPERA- "5 STARS. WOULD GO AGAIN!" -BLOODY DISGUSTING

BILL walks into the crowded Opera House and stabs, shoots, and karate chops more guards than any level of 007's Goldeneye.

LAURA BIRN

Thank God, you are here, Bill. The Opera version of Disney's Song of the South is brutal. Please, kill me as you see fit.

(gets beheaded)

INT. DANNY HUSTON'S WAREHOUSE- THE FINAL BOSS

BILL infiltrates DANNY'S WAREHOUSE, and they start battling.

DANNY HUSTON

You think you are God's avenging crow fighter, but I have demonic powers.

(whispers something to Bill)

BILL SKARSGARD

Ewww...you need a breath mint!

BILL takes DANNY to the trainyard and DEMONIC SQUID SHADOWS drag him down to Hell.

FKA TWIGS rises up from the swamp.

FKA TWIGS

The coffee is so cold down there!!!

BILL SKARSGARD

Looks like my job is done. FKA, you can live your life free of creepy piano recitals where souls are traded like Pokémon cards.

FKA TWIGS

Where are you going to go?

BILL SKARSGARD

A few scenes to wrap up Nosferatu, and then I need to finish filming Locked with Anthony Hopkins.

(lowers head in sadness)

FKA TWIGS

I will look for your soul in the straight-to-DVD section.

END