FADE IN:

EXT. VAMPIRE SUBURBS, BEFORE SUNRISE

A LITTLE GIRL with GOLDEN EYES writes a LETTER.

LITTLE GIRL (V.O.)

Here in the distant future of 2019, life is BORING. I thought it would be cool to live in a world ruled by vampires but we have NO POWERS. We’re like regular humans except we EXPLODE IN SUNLIGHT. How did we manage to become the dominant species? I’m immortal but I’ll be a LITTLE GIRL FOREVER! What, do newborns remain babies forever? This is BULLSHIT.

(goes outside)

I can’t go on in a world with such LAZY WRITING.

The SUN RISES and she BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

INT. THE SAM NEILL BLOOD BANK, NIGHT

VAMPIRE HEMATOLOGIST, ETHAN HAWKE attends a BRIEFING.

DOCTOR EXPOSITION

We’ve studied the effects of blood deprivation on vampires.

(changes slide)

Stage 1 includes increased aggression, decreased cognition, and physical changes such as “Elf Ears” and “80s Tom Cruise Teeth.”

(changes slide)

By Stage 2, the effects become freakishly illogical. Instead of getting weaker, they develop super strength and the ability to walk on ceilings.

(changes slide)

By Stage 3, they grow scrotum wings.

(changes slide)

And by Stage 4, they go full-blown “Nick Nolte’s Mugshot.”

ETHAN HAWKE

(chokes back vomit)

GENERAL INFO-DUMP

The Army hunts humans for blood.

(changes slide)

We tranq dart them and keep them comatose for a few weeks until they bleed to death.

(changes slide)

We COULD keep them alive in captivity to ensure that they never stop producing blood, but the next slide explains why we don’t.

(projector spontaneously combusts)

... So, now, less than 5% of humans remain and we only have enough blood to feed our population for ONE MONTH.

ETHAN HAWKE

I’m working on a synthetic blood substitute, but wouldn’t it be easier to use farm animals? There are BILLIONS of chickens in the United States; why don’t we just drink their blood?

SAM NEILL

I guess we can only drink human blood...?

(flips through script)

I'm sure that vital detail is explained somewhere...

ETHAN HAWKE

Wrong! We put pig blood in our coffee. And how can we even drink coffee? I thought vampires vomited blood if they ate normal foo-

(darted in neck)

SAM NEILL

Thank you, General.

EXT. CITY STREETS, LATER THAT NIGHT

ETHAN is driving home and notices that his EAR is ELFED UP. He checks the MIRROR but doesn’t cast a REFLECTION.

ETHAN HAWKE

Damn it! I can only see my clothes!

MIRROR

And yet you dress like Humphrey Bogart... Vampires don’t cast reflections because they don’t have souls.

ETHAN HAWKE

So my fucking suit has a soul? I’m so hungry, it’s messing with my head...

MIRROR

You ARE talking to a mirror... Look out!

ETHAN SWERVES to avoid an ONCOMING CAR, which CRASHES. A group of HUMANS jump out, including CLAUDIA KARVAN.

ETHAN HAWKE

(exits car)

Sorry! I didn’t see you-

(shot in arm with arrow)

CLAUDIA KARVAN

(aims crossbow)

Can’t you assholes see in the dark?! Why do you even have headlights?!

MIRROR

This chick gets it...

They are INTERRUPTED by the sound of APPROACHING SIRENS.

ETHAN HAWKE

Hide in my car! I’ll cover for you.

(puts car in “day mode”)

I’m sure the cops won’t find my blacked-out windows or fresh arm wound suspicious!

They DON’T. The COPS leave and the HUMANS get out of the car.

CLAUDIA KARVAN

Thanks; we’ve been looking for trustworthy vampires that also happen to be hematologists.

(hands card)

Meet me tomorrow at this address. Maybe don't dress like you're going to Don Draper's funeral- just a thought.

(leaves)

INT. ETHAN’S HOUSE, EVEN LATERER THAT NIGHT

ETHAN enters and finds his BROTHER, MICHAEL DORMAN waiting for him.

MICHAEL DORMAN

Happy birthday! I used my Army connections to get you a bottle of human blood.

ETHAN HAWKE

I hate you for turning me into a vampire and I don’t drink human blood!

(dumps bottle down drain)

We go over this every year!

MICHAEL DORMAN

(tears up)

I just wanted to help exposit your backstory!

ETHAN HAWKE

I’d rather take a stake in the heart than listen to more ham-fisted exposition!

TV

(turns itself on)

In other news: Vampires have no heartbeat. How does our blood circulate? Why do we burst into flames when stabbed in this useless organ? Where did we come up with this nonsense? These questions and more will be answered next-

(TV spontaneously combusts)

EXT. SUNNY MEADOW, DAY

ETHAN uses DAY MODE to drive to meet CLAUDIA.

CLAUDIA KARVAN

I see you ignored my advice, John Wick. Is your whole society sponsored by Hot Topic?

He parks under a TREE and GETS OUT.

ETHAN HAWKE

The thinnest ray of sunshine could kill me but these Ray-Bans should keep my safe!

(doesn’t die)

He finds WILLEM DAFOE sitting under the tree.

WILLEM DAFOE

Although I’m the most vampiric sonuvabitch in this movie, I’m playing a human. My friends call me “Elvis” on account of the southern accent I sometimes have.

(grabs ETHAN’s hand)

Feel that? I used to be a vampire but my heart is beating again. I crashed my car and got burned by sunlight for the exact right amount of time to be cured. Hooray for reckless driving!

MICHAEL appears, wearing a BURKA and WELDING MASK.

MICHAEL DORMAN

(points tranq gun)

You’re all under arrest! And don’t even think about knocking me out; I’m a highly trained vampire soldier-

(knocked out)

AN ARMORED HUMVEE arrives and shoots TRANQ DARTS with LUDICROUSLY BAD AIM. They jump into ETHAN’S CAR and FLOOR IT.

VAMPIRE SOLDIER

I can’t see shit! These masks only have one eye hole because the Army has never heard of welding goggles...

(crashes)

Approximately 40 GALLONS OF BLOOD splatter out the back window.

WILLEM DAFOE

How many vampires were in that fucking clown car?!

CLAUDIA KARVAN

At least there wasn’t a tacky explosion-

HUMVEE

(explodes)

INT. CLAUDIA’S VINEYARD, STILL DAY

They meet up with a camp of HUMAN SURVIVORS.

ETHAN HAWKE

Is it safe to have so many humans in the same place?

WILLEM DAFOE

(actual line)

Being human in a world full of vampires is about as safe a barebacking a $5 whore.

ETHAN HAWKE

That was random; it's the only joke in the entire movie.

WILLEM DAFOE

Yeah, I get the feeling this part was written for James Woods...

They design an EXPERIMENT to CURE ETHAN with SUNLIGHT.

ETHAN HAWKE

We’ll use this metal wine cask because I need an airtight container. Then, we’ll cut a large hole in the side because I’m an idiot.

CLAUDIA KARVAN

(attaches electrodes)

These will burn off when the sun touches you, unless you-

WILLEM DAFOE

(interrupts)

And I’m gonna cover you in a wet blanket!

IT WORKS and ETHAN turns HUMAN again.

WILLEM DAFOE

(covered in burn scars)

ETHAN HAWKE

(not covered in burn scars)

ETHAN and WILLEM crawl out of the wine cask and discover that the vineyard was RAIDED and EVERYONE is DEAD.

ETHAN HAWKE

This is tragic... A tragic mismanagement of resources...

WILLEM DAFOE

They took Claudia!

MICHAEL enters, looking mighty FUCKED UP.

MICHAEL DORMAN

The world is falling apart from all the blood riots and Nick Noltes. I need your help; I’m STARVING.

WILLEM DAFOE

It’s a truce! Let me just expose my juicy, delicious neck to you...

CUT TO:

INT. THE SAM NEILL BLOOD BANK

ETHAN enters SAM’S office and finds CLAUDIA with her WRISTS SLIT.

ETHAN HAWKE

Claudia, no! I know this movie sucks, but your career will recover!

SAM NEILL

(sips glass of blood)

Hello, Ethan. I’m the villain because all I care about is getting rich on blood money! There's nothing more evil than exploiting people while contributing nothing valuable to society!

(cashes check from this movie)

ETHAN HAWKE

I regret becoming human again. Bite me and I’ll come back to work for you. I swear this isn’t a ruse that has something to do with the scene we just cut away from...

SAM NEILL

No need. Your colleague, VINCE COLOSIMO created a stable blood substitute despite having less than five minutes of screen time. There’s no stopping me now! MUHAHAHA-

ETHAN HAWKE

You coward! You let your own daughter get Noltefied and killed her! You never loved her! Her inclusion in this movie was an afterthought! She was a footnote in this movie and a footnote in your-

SAM interrupts by VIOLENTLY RIPPING INTO ETHAN'S JUGULAR VEIN.

ETHAN HAWKE

(doesn't bleed to death)

SAM NEILL

(becomes human)

ETHAN HAWKE

Ha-ha! Drinking cured vampire blood cures you, too, sucka'!

CUT TO:

DOZENS of HUNGRY VAMPIRE SOLDIERS rush into the LOBBY. The ELEVATOR opens to reveal SAM tied to a CHAIR.

SAM NEILL

Oh, f-

(eaten)

VAMPIRE SOLDIER 1

I’m cured!

(looks around)

Oh, f-

(eaten)

VAMPIRE SOLDIER 2

I’m cured, too!

(beat)

Oh, f-

(eaten)

VAMPIRE SOLDIER 3

I’m cured! Maybe there’s a pattern here...

(eaten)

MICHAEL DORMAN

(crashes car through wall)

I’m human now and I'm here to save you!

(eaten)

This goes on for SEVERAL MINUTES until there’s like THREE DUDES LEFT. ETHAN and CLAUDIA enter the lobby.

VAMPIRE SOLDIER 4

How did I get cured? I can't possibly establish a cause-effect relationship!

(shot to death)

VINCE COLOSIMO

(appears, holding Uzi)

This blood substitute is gonna make me rich!

(shot with arrow)

(explodes)

WILLEM DAFOE

(appears, holding crossbow)

What is this, the Departed? Let’s get out of here before we all die!

(barebacks $5 whore)

(dies)

CLAUDIA KARVAN

(career dies)

ETHAN and CLAUDIA drive off into the SUNRISE.

ETHAN HAWKE (V.O.)

We can cure you. It’s not too late-

(jump scared by bat)

(dies)

END