FADE IN:

INT. THOMAS MANN'S HOUSE

MICHAEL CERA THOMAS MANN is being lectured by his father, PETER MACKENZIE.

PETER MACKENZIE

Now Thomas, your mother and I are going away for the weekend. Don't do anything stupid, don't throw any parties and especially don't touch my precious, precious car.

THOMAS MANN

Jesus, if this was a cop movie you'd be warning me not to get shot two days before retirement. Fine, I promise not to do any of those things.

PETER MACKENZIE

Good. You know, I'm not sure why I was worried that you'd do those things in the first place. After all, you are a loser.

THOMAS MANN

...are you seriously calling your teenage son a loser? I'm beginning to see where my character's horrific self-esteem issues stem from.

EXT. AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL

THOMAS MANN meets up with his friends JONAH HILL OLIVER COOPER, GENERIC OVERWEIGHT KID JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN, and DAX FLAME.

OLIVER COOPER

Motherfucking faggot cocksucker cunt pussy tits!

(pause)

Fun fact! This is the first screenplay written on a bathroom stall wall!

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

I have an erection! Oh my!

DAX FLAME

(pause)

I don't have a character from "Superbad" or any other movie to rip off, so I don't really have a personality.

OLIVER COOPER

Perfect! You can hold the camera!

DAX FLAME

Neat! My teleportation abilities will allow me to film from multiple angles at-

THOMAS MANN

Wait, wait, this is a found footage movie? Why? What does that add to the story?

OLIVER COOPER

I like to think it brings a sense of realism to the proceedings.

THOMAS MANN

Yes, I'm sure that sense of realism will still be intact once we reach the crotch-punching dwarf and the flamethrower-wielding drug dealer.

OLIVER COOPER

Dude, we have got to throw the sickest party ever at your house!

THOMAS MANN

No.

(beat.)

Yes. But we'll only invite five people.

OLIVER COOPER

Fuck that shit! We'll invite the entire school, and hire every party service known to man!

THOMAS MANN

Sure thing Oliver. Is there anything else I could possibly do for you? Carry your books? Drape myself over a puddle?

OLIVER COOPER

Just carry me to my next class, slave. We must hurry if we want to get ourselves laid.

(actual line)

If I don't fuck a girl with big titties tonight, I'm drowning myself.

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

Pussy it is! Now let's film ourselves half-naked and grabbing each others erections!

THIS HAPPENS.

DAX FLAME

Boy, it sure is nice of these high school jocks to let me film them undressing.

EXT. DRUG DEN/JUNKYARD

THE GANG enters RICK SHARPIRO'S HOUSE.

THOMAS MANN

Okay, why are we buying drugs from a guy who has half a plane crash in his yard when we could buy it at school?

OLIVER COOPER

(actual line)

This is wholesale, n***er.

RICK SHARPIRO

Oliver! How nice to see you. I see you've got a guy filming us through the window. Not sure why you'd risk incriminating yourself but c'est la vie.

OLIVER COOPER

(whispering)

Let's steal this guy's gnome. It'd be good for...you know what never mind why. Let's just steal it.

They all pile into THOMAS'S MINIVAN with the GNOME.

RICK SHARPIRO

GIMME BACK MY GNOME YOU COCKSUCKERS!

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

OH SHIT HE'S COMING AFTER US!! HIT THE GAS!!

THOMAS MANN

HOLY FUCK I JUST RAN HIM OVER!! WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM HELP!!

OLIVER COOPER

NEVER MIND THE VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER!! JUST DRIVE!! JUST DRIVE!!

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

Okay, I think we're safe now...OH FUCK THERE HE IS AGAIN!!

RICK SHARPIRO

RAAARGGGHHHH!!!

THOMAS MANN

HOW THE FUCK DID HE OUTRUN A SPEEDING MINIVAN!?

OLIVER COOPER

DRIVE!!!

INT. THOMAS MANN'S HOUSE.

THE GANG and TOKEN FEMALE THEIR FRIEND KIRBY BLISS BLANTON prepare for the party.

THOMAS MANN

So...An apparently immortal drug dealer is pissed at us. Also he is super violent and appears to have super speed. Any alarm bells ringing? Anyone?

OLIVER COOPER

Eh, we should be safe. Now, who's going to help me advertise our location at this party on Craigslist and the radio?

THOMAS MANN

I told you I don't want this party to be too large!

OLIVER COOPER

But how are you going to get any girls if you don't throw a bitchin' party?

KIRBY BLISS BLANTON

Hey Thomas remember how we've been good friends since we were small and I'm really super hot and I like all the video games you like and I also think you're kinda cute.

OLIVER COOPER

...like I said, there's no chance of getting noticed otherwise.

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

Maybe I could work on getting laid too!

OLIVER COOPER

(actual line)

The only thing you're working on is diabetes, you fat fuck.

KIRBY BLISS BLANTON

(pause)

Say Oliver, since this is a found footage movie, is there any chance you and your friends are going to be stalked by a malignant paranormal entity?

OLIVER COOPER

No. Why?

KIRBY BLISS BLANTON

No reason.

OLIVER COOPER

Anyway, with my bottomless allowance, I've managed to install a karoke machine, a skate ramp, several sex dolls, TWO DIFFERENT DJs, and a bouncing castle in your backyard. Dax, I need you to make sure you never get a clear shot of the whole party so we don't realize Thomas's backyard is a football field.

THOMAS MANN

Fine. But I'm really serious about keeping this under control. This is still going to be a small, fun, decent-sized party.

(beat)

With a bouncing castle.

We get a FIRST GUESTS ARRIVE MONTAGE and a PARTY GETTING STARTED MONTAGE.

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 2.

THOMAS MANN

Bad news guys: I think this party is starting to turn into MTV.

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

You mean 90s' unimaginative music montages MTV or 00s' most vapid excuses for human beings MTV?

TOPLESS POOL PARTY MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 3.

THOMAS MANN

Both.

DAX FLAME

(filming underwater)

These AV Club cameras are the shit!

OLIVER COOPER

Now come on: is that MTV thing really so bad? Despicable characters and plotless storytelling are no obstacles to comedy.

THOMAS MANN

Of course not! Nearly anything can be redeemed by some good jokes!

(pause)

We did remember to bring those didn't we?

OLIVER COOPER

We did bring a crotch-punching dwarf.

MARTIN KLEBBA

I never dreamed this would become a stereotype.

(punches crotch)

THOMAS MANN

I don't know. That was much more subtle when Mike Myers did it.

(realizes what he just said)

Oh my God. What have we done?

OLIVER COOPER

I guess I should have put "humorous" on my Craigslist ad.

THOMAS MANN

You advertised this on Craigslist? How dare you!

(beat)

We're good. But we should stop this party before it gets out of control.

DANCING MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 4.

THOMAS MANN

Any second now...

PROPERTY DAMAGE MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 5.

THOMAS MANN

Any sec-

OLIVER COOPER

Thomas the cops are here! Keep everyone quiet until I ward they off!

They do so.

THOMAS MANN

Wow. Who knew five hundred drunk, high, house-smashing ravers were this good at keeping quiet?

OLIVER COOPER

Beats me! Now we've got to count on no one else in this neighborhood objecting to dance music at 3 am. To the break of dawn bitches!

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

Wait, I think there might be ecstasy in that gnome!

ECSTASY SWALLOWING MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 6.

DAX FLAME

These people are being really accommodating to my filming their drug use. They're giving me close ups and everything.

THOMAS MANN

First you invite several thousand people over to my house, and then you accidentally feed everyone drugs? That's it man, we are done. I'm calling the police and shutting this down.

OLIVER COOPER

Relax man! Have some ecstasy. That'll loosen you up.

THOMAS MANN

I get it. This is the part where I grow a spine by standing up to you and your stupid ideas.

OLIVER COOPER

(flipping through script)

Actually, it says here you grow a spine by caving in despite your better judgement.

THOMAS MANN

What? That doesn't make any-

(ecstasy hits)

Woohoo! Let's have a second dance montage!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 7.

OLIVER COOPER

You know Thomas, I'm glad we reconciled so quickly.

THOMAS MANN

Yeah. For a moment there we almost had a conflict.

OLIVER COOPER

And it's only one small step from having a conflict to having a story.

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

(shudders)

THOMAS MANN

By the way, I managed to hook up with Kirby!

OLIVER COOPER

Who?

THOMAS MANN

The girl from my romantic subplot!

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

We have subplots!?

THOMAS MANN

Yeah. I'm just so glad I found romantic bliss halfway through the-

POPULAR GIRL

Hey Thomas! Want to have sex?

THOMAS MANN

Boy would I! But wait, what if my girlfriend just happens to walk in on us?

POPULAR GIRL

Don't be silly that only happens in bad com-OH MY GOD.

KIRBY BLISS BLANTON

Thomas! How could you?

(runs off)

DEJECTED, THOMAS retreats to his FATHER'S OFFICE.

PETER MACKENZIE

(over the answering machine)

Thomas! Why don't you pick up? I just got a phone call from the screenwriter of "Spring Breakers." He says you're too obsessed with party montages!

THOMAS MANN

Er-

PETER MACKENZIE

And I also got a phone call from Michael Bay! He thinks you're too vapid and demeaning to women! What the HELL have you been doing?

DAX FLAME

So I guess this is your darkest hour. Reaping the consequences of what you've sown, you finally begin to realize-

THOMAS MANN

My party is the shit!

(jumps off roof)

DAX FLAME

Oh God. Is this ever-

MAKE OUT MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 8.

DAX FLAME

-going to-

DANCE MONTAGE No.3!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 9.

DAX FLAME

-end? Did we die at the beginning of the movie? Is that why this party never-

MEDIA RESPONSE MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 10.

DAX FLAME

-stops? Wait, are those news helicopters? Then the police can't be far behind! We're saved!

PARTYGOERS

Raaargh! Fuck the police!

(throws beer bottles)

POLICE

Beer bottles! Run away! Run away!

(flees)

OLIVER COOPER

Don't worry, they'll come back after several hours, which is the apparently the minimum length of time required to prepare for teenagers with beverages.

VANDALISM MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 11.

VERNE TROYER CROTCH PUNCHING DWARF drives the FAMILY CAR into the pool.

OLIVER COOPER

Oh shit, I don't know how to cover that up! We're fucked now!

THOMAS MANN

Really? Now we're fucked? Like we weren't fucked when I flipped off a news helicopter or when partygoers started attacking police cars? You could have somehow fixed all that?

OLIVER COOPER

Hey at least I'm expressing remorse for five seconds.

(pause)

And now it's gone!

THOMAS MANN

So what now?

OLIVER COOPER

Now we end on a big action sequence to make this feel like an actual story.

RICK SHARPIRO

(wielding flamethrower)

Oliver! Come out and die!

OLIVER COOPER

Run!

RICK SHARPIRO

Crap! How did they pick up on my crazed screams and six-foot bursts of flame in time to run? Oh well. Maybe I can sneak up on them again if I burn down everything in my path.

POLICE

Stop! We have finally found our balls!

RICK SHARPIRO

Never! Oliver and I have a climatic showdown to finish! Or I could just run into a trailer and explode.

(does so.)

The POLICE finally decide to put a STOP TO THIS BULLSHIT. HELICOPTERS, RIOT POLICE and HORSEMEN descend on the house.

THOMAS MANN

Quick! Let's get everyone out of here in a running montage!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 12.

THOMAS MANN

Where the hell are we running to?

OLIVER COOPER

Let's flee to the school bleachers where we can cap this off with a heartwarming moment between us.

THOMAS MANN

Heartwarming moment? You destroyed my house! You destroyed my neighborhood! I'm probably going to be estranged from my parents and girlfriend! What could possibly be heartwarming about this?

OLIVER COOPER

Let me put it this way: with the party over, there can be no more party montages.

THOMAS MANN

Oh yeah, I never thought of that. Thanks buddy.

OLIVER COOPER

No problem man.

(hugs Thomas)

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

I wonder what the house looks like?

THOMAS MANN

Yeah. Wait! No! No!

PARTY WRECKAGE MONTAGE!

PARTY MONTAGE COUNT: 13 (SHOOT ME).

EXT. AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL

THOMAS MANN

Well my college fund is gone and I'm facing several criminal charges, but I'm popular for the brief time I'm still in high school. That's what's really important!

OLIVER COOPER

I'm facing no consequences at all! Aren't you ecstatic?

DAX FLAME

I'm under investigation for murdering my own parents, and I'm still the most likeable protagonist here.

JONATHAN DANIEL BROWN

Nobody really cared about my character, so I'm just going to fade into the background.

OLIVER COOPER

Hey Thomas, how much trouble did you get in with your parents?

THOMAS MANN

They were pissed, but on the plus side I managed to win the respect of my uptight father by destroying the neighborhood and becoming a national embarrassment.

OLIVER COOPER

...

THOMAS MANN

Roll with it.

DAX FLAME

Hey I have video evidence that most of the damages were caused by Rick, the dwarf or Oliver. Are we going to use that to help ease off some of the charges? Hello?

THOMAS meets up with KIRBY.

THOMAS MANN

Kirby, I know the last time we met I was being straddled by a half-naked girl, but I feel really really sorry about it. Wanna make out again?

KIRBY BLISS BLANTON

Is that seriously all it's going to take to win me over again? Surely the screenwriters put in more effort than that.

THOMAS MANN

Are you kidding me? This movie was so lazily written it doesn't even have a name!

FUNNY JOKE COUNT: 0.

END