The Very Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. IRISH COUNTRYSIDE
Catholic priest BRENDAN GLEESON talks to his superior DAVID MCSAVAGE.
BRENDAN GLEESON
A mystery man says he's going to kill me on Sunday!
DAVID MCSAVAGE
Oh no! Do you have any idea who he might be?
BRENDAN GLEESON
As a matter of fact I'm absolutely sure who he might be.
DAVID MCSAVAGE
...well. Why don't you report him to the police?
BRENDAN GLEESON
He hasn't done anything really bad yet.
DAVID MCSAVAGE
Are you fucking kidding me? As if threatening to kill someone wasn't a serious crime.
BRENDAN GLEESON
I'll wait and see if he changes his mind.
BRENDAN'S CHURCH is burned to the ground.
DAVID MCSAVAGE
Okay NOW are you going to report him?
BRENDAN GLEESON
We have no evidence it was the same...
DAVID MCSAVAGE
I think that's still a pretty big fucking clue, don't you?
BRENDAN'S DOG is killed, JESUS CHRIST.
DAVID MCSAVAGE
Don't tell me you're...
BRENDAN GLEESON
Still not going to report him.
DAVID MCSAVAGE
But he's killing innocent creatures now! Who knows how many people he could hurt before Sunday?
BRENDAN GLEESON
There's hope for everyone to change.
DAVID MCSAVAGE
But he's already committed several felonies. You're not going to go out on Sunday and not take any precautions to defend yourself are you? Brendan?
BRENDAN goes to the beach on SUNDAY and finds CHRIS O'DOWD!
CHRIS O'DOWD
That's right! The creepy mystery man with the tragic backstory turned out to be me, comedy legend Chris O'Dowd! Wakka Wakka!
(beat)
But I didn't kill your dog.
BRENDAN GLEESON
Really? That's confu-
(brains blown out)
CHRIS O'DOWD
That's for the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of your fellow priests!
RAPE SURVIVORS
Oh gee. A movie that makes the Catholic Church into the victim and makes sexual abuse survivors look like unstable murderers. Thanks a bunch movie. Thanks a whole fucking bunch.
END