INT. LA FBI HQ

FBI ROOKIE KEANU REEVES shows up for his first day on the ANTI-BANK ROBBER SQUAD.

KEANU REEVES

Hi, I'm Special Agent "Johnny Utah", a nickname I gained when-

(checks script)

Holy shit, it's NOT a nickname? My character's actual fucking name is Johnny Utah? Well at least now I know exactly what kind of intellectual level this movie is going to be operating on.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

Listen up newbie, this is the bank robbery capital of the world, and the grand daddies of all bank robbers are the Ex Presidents. Since these guys are our number one, top priority, most important targets, I've put the investigation in the hands of Agent Gary Busey, who I regard as a pathetic washed-up joke and whose theories I think are moronic.

GARY BUSEY

My theories are perfectly sound! The Ex Presidents travel with the summer, and they've left traces of sand and surf board wax at the crime scenes, so I figure they surf.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

Pfft, bank robbers having hobbies, how preposterous! Seriously Busey, this is the FBI, we don't have time for unprofessional bullshit like analyzing physical evidence to profile suspects. Get your head out of your ass and focus on our more concrete leads, of which we have none!

KEANU REEVES

I believe your theory, Gary. I think you should send me undercover.

GARY BUSEY

Undercover with who? Just surfers, generally? There are like a million surfers in Los Angeles, are you going to hang out with all of them and hope a couple turn out to be more bank-robberish than the others?

KEANU REEVES

You never know, maybe I'll get stupidly lucky and the first random surfer I decide to get close to, on my first day of surfing, will turn out to be the head robber's ex-girlfriend.

EXT. BEACH

KEANU tries to SURF and nearly drowns. He is rescued by LORI PETTY.

LORI PETTY

What the hell are you doing, you fucking moron? That kind of amateur-hour bullshit doesn't belong at this or any other beach! Do us all a favor and stay the fuck away from the ocean, wear water wings when you take a bath and try to walk around puddles.

(storms off)

KEANU REEVES

Awesome, she hates my guts! In Hollywood that basically guarantees we'll wind up in the sack! Hey Gary, I've decided to get close to Lori. With her seething hatred of thoughtless and irresponsible behavior, she's bound to be best friends with a bunch of bank robbers.

GARY BUSEY

Shouldn't you at least try to find anyone at all even vaguely fitting the description of our perps?

KEANU REEVES

Naw man, Lori's definitely the way to go, I can feel it in my boner! Uh, I mean bones. According to her file she’s got dead parents, that’s an icebreaker if ever I saw one.

INT. DINER

KEANU REEVES

I want you to teach me to surf because my parents are dead. See, when they were alive I did nothing but jump through hoops trying to please them, but now that I’m free of their suffocating, controlling presence I can actually live my own life for once. Having dead parents is awesome!

LORI PETTY

Oh yeah, that’s a worldview that will immediately endear you to an orphan all right. Okay then, I’ll teach you to surf.

(looks around)

What is this, a diner? Did The Fast and the Furious seriously not even change the love interest’s job?

KEANU REEVES

I know, right? Lazy-ass fuckers.

LORI teaches KEANU how to SURF. Then one day she introduces him to SURF GURU PATRICK SWAYZE and his GAGGLE OF ANONYMOUS HANGERS-ON.

KEANU REEVES

Sweet, this could be my best opportunity to gain a solid foothold in the surfer community! All I have to do is join in their friendly game of beach football and MUST CRUSH PATRICK

(charges Patrick down)

(aggressively tackles him into water)

DIIIEEEE

PATRICK SWAYZE

Luckily for you I happen to dig that kind of paleolithic brainless machismo. See, in addition to the usual surfer bullshit about how “spiritual” it is to balance on a plank while it slides around on water, I have this whole philosophy about the virtues of being aggressive, dominant and primal, and just taking what you want from life and fuck laws and fuck the system and fuck anything that stands in your way.

(smiles)

But, you know, in a mellow way.

KEANU REEVES

Ah, the exact mentality of most alpha-male gang members and professional criminals. That’s not the least bit suspicious!

KEANU starts hanging with PATRICK and SURFING WITH HIM.

KEANU REEVES

Woah, it’s all becoming clear now! Surfing is cool, therefore meaningful in some way! I like you, Patrick!

PATRICK SWAYZE

Me too! We are almost instantly bound by a profound mutual understanding!

KEANU REEVES

So wait, are we doing that White Heat/Donnie Brasco/The Departed thing where the undercover cop finds himself instantly the most liked and trusted member of the gang?

PATRICK SWAYZE

Kind of inevitable considering you’ve got more personality than all my other fratbro minions combined.

KEANU REEVES

Ouch. And I’m Keanu Reeves.

PATRICK SWAYZE

I know, it’s a bad situation.

INT. LA FBI HQ WTF LOL

JOHN gathers KEANU and GARY for the traditional CHEWED OUT BY THE CHIEF SCENE.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

Keanu, you incompetent fuckweasel, I’m sick of you not getting results! You’ve been undercover with the surfing community for two whole weeks and still not delivered any evidence! I mean, how long does it usually take for an undercover cop to establish himself, gain trust, learn important information and build an actionable case? Four days? Three?

KEANU REEVES

Well how’s this, the lab guys analyzed a hair sample from one of the robberies and discovered toxins from one of LA’s horribly polluted beaches. If we took samples of ocean water and compared the levels of specific chemicals-

GARY BUSEY

And by “take samples of ocean water” we mean “yank hair directly off of surfer heads”.

KEANU REEVES

Well sure, we could go the psychotic route I suppose. Not like I’m trying to keep a low profile or anything.

They identify the BEACH and KEANU goes there, only to immediately do some RANDOM THING to piss off a GROUP OF FOUR SHIRTLESS ASSHOLES led by ANTHONY KIEDIS (no, not that one).

ANTHONY KIEDIS

Grrr! Nobody messes with the Red Herrings!

VINCENT KLYN

We will now beat you up! This is us warning you that we are about to commence violence! Then standing stock-still chuckling like morons for a while, giving you ample opportunity to-

KEANU starts BEATING THE JERKS UP with his SURFBOARD.

VINCENT KLYN

AIIEEE! Struck by half a pound of fiberglass! What a devastating blow!

With some help from a coincidentally-passing PATRICK, KEANU gets away and looks up the RAP SHEETS for the BEACH GANG.

KEANU REEVES

Drugs, assault, all kinds of violent scuzzy shit, yep, these are our guys all right. Clearly these impulsive berserker idiots with a long history of getting caught and arrested are the ultra-professional, surgically precise, meticulously untraceable bank robbers we’re looking for.

GARY BUSEY

All right then, let’s get an arrest warrant for these guys. Based entirely on the fact that they surf at the beach from our universally-mocked theory, and have done other crimes in their lives.

(pause)

Maybe let’s hit the judge up after happy hour.

EXT. SUBURBAN SHITHOLE

KEANU and some OTHER AGENTS get into position around the GANG’S HOUSE, while GARY goes and knocks on the FRONT DOOR.

GARY BUSEY

All right, and now I’ll stall the girl who answers the door with an asinine bit about a lost dog, until - uh - wait, what am I stalling for? We’re completely good to go, all I accomplish by not immediately arresting everybody is giving them plenty of time to flip the fuck out, grab a million guns and instigate a huge shootout - ohhh, I get it now.

ANTHONY KIEDIS

(going ballistic)

A GUY AT THE DOOR!! A FUCKING HUMAN PERSON KNOCKING AT OUR FRONT DOOR!!! THIS CAN ONLY BE THE ENDTIMES!!! GRAB THE GUNS! GRAB ALL THE GUNS AAAHHHH

VINCENT KLYN

(seizing armful of uzis)

GGNNNNAAAAHHHHHH

There is a BIG SHOWDOWN with GUNS and LAWN MOWERS and NAKED STABBY CHICKS! In the end all the BAD GUYS are either DEAD or ARRESTED.

TOM SIZEMORE, LOOKING RELATIVELY FIT AND HEALTHY FOR THE LAST TIME IN HIS CAREER

You IDIOTS! I’m an undercover DEA agent, and not only have you ruined my whole operation, but you haven’t even got the right guys! They were in prison during last summer’s robberies!

GARY BUSEY

Oh wow. How did we not notice that? I mean seriously, we were actually shown examining their rap sheets to find out if they were our guys. That’s the first thing we did after meeting them. We are terrible agents and stupid people.

KEANU REEVES

Dangit, those guys were our only suspects. So presumably now the movie is going to introduce a whole other group of surfers to be the bad guys, because there’s nobody else in this story who could POSSIBLY be the robbers, right?

But then in a SHOCKING TWIST that could not have been predicted by ANYBODY, at his next SURFING TRIP he sees one of PATRICK’S GOONS flash his BUTTOCKS, just like one of the ROBBERS did one time!

KEANU REEVES

HOLY SHIT! Mooning somebody! What an utterly unique gesture! It’s impossible that two entirely separate groups of irreverent young men would include a member who would have the idea to humorously expose his butt cheeks!

LORI PETTY

Are you all right, Keanu? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

KEANU REEVES

GHOST! Gary said that the Ex Presidents where metaphorical “GHOSTS” on account of their not leaving any evidence, and Lori is using the common expression “you look like you’ve seen a GHOST” to describe my shocked expression! THESE TWO FACTS ARE WHOLLY UNRELATED! THIS ISN’T EVIDENCE OF ANYTHING, IT’S JUST AN INCREDIBLY MINUTE COINCIDENCE! BUT IT’S STILL SUPPOSED TO BLOW YOUR MIIIIND!!!

KEANU follows PATRICK and sees him CASING A BANK. He and GARY plan a STAKEOUT.

EXT. BANK

KEANU and GARY park across the street from the BANK.

GARY BUSEY

All right, let’s keep an eye out for Patrick. But first, go get me a sandwich, okay? And while you’re off getting it I’ll spend the whole time with my face buried in a newspaper. We is number one best at stakeouts!

They turn their backs for TWO MINUTES, and when they start paying attention again find that the ROBBERY is over and PATRICK’S GANG are speeding off.

KEANU REEVES

SHIT! LET’S CHASE THEM!

GARY BUSEY

Um, are you sure that’s the best idea? As things stand, they don’t know we’re onto them. We have their names, descriptions, known associates and last known address, plus you’re pretty much Patrick’s best friend. We could probably track them down and arrest them this very afternoon if we want. But if we charge after them now, blowing your cover and tipping our hand, they could just vanish themselves off to Tahiti or someplace and we’d never hear from them again.

KEANU REEVES

Well sure, but

(rams foot on accelerator)

MUST MAKE ACTION SCENES HAPPEN!

They chase PATRICK’S GANG, who at the nearest opportunity DITCH THEIR CAR and RUN FOR IT. KEANU chases PATRICK through a bunch of STREETS and HOUSES, but then HURTS HIS LEG and CAN’T CONTINUE.

KEANU REEVES

Argh! I could still shoot Patrick from here... but... he’s my bro! What do I choose, my loyalty to the law, or my loyalty to my friend? What a horrible dilemma!

PATRICK SWAYZE

Dude, don’t sweat it, the law specifically prohibits you from firing at an unarmed guy who’s running away and poses no threat to-

KEANU REEVES

STAY OUT OF THIS, I’M TRYING TO DO SOME DRAMA HERE.

He FIRES HIS GUN INTO THE AIR, SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION, which is a pretty cool moment until the day HOT FUZZ ruins it for everybody.

INT. LORI’S PLACE

KEANU REEVES

Lori, now that shit’s gotten real with Patrick I need to tell you the truth. I’m actually a... a... a giant pussy who is bailing on this confession as of now.

LORI PETTY

What? But this actually is the part of the movie where I find out the truth, that happens now. Why didn’t the script just say you told me? Then we wouldn’t have to shove in ridiculous contrived bullshit like

(finds Keanu’s badge)

WHOOOOPS, it seems like you left your FBI badge lying around and D’OOOHHH, I happened to stumble across it at this coincidental point of time!

KEANU REEVES

True, that is some awful fucking writing.

LORI storms out on KEANU, who has a MOPE NAP. Then he’s woken up by PATRICK and his CRONIES bursting in on him!

KEANU REEVES

Oh no! Are you here to shoot me or beat me to death or something?

PATRICK SWAYZE

Close! We’re gonna take you skydiving! Regular no-tricks skydiving with no sinister intent at all.

KEANU REEVES

...Okay... why?

PATRICK SWAYZE

That’s the neat thing, I’ve entered the psychological disintegration phase of my character arc so I no longer have to do stuff that has any kind of logic behind it!

They go SKYDIVING. After leaping out of the PLANE they FREEFALL for nearly FOUR WHOLE MINUTES, which means the plane must have been somewhere in the MESOSPHERE.

PATRICK SWAYZE

Well that was some random fun! Anyway back to business, turns out one of my goofy surf buddies is actually some kind of axe murderer or something and I’ve locked Lori up with him in a secret location to make sure you don’t do anything to thwart out escape.

KEANU REEVES

If you didn’t want me to stop you escaping you could have just, you know, escaped. Like you originally planned. Hell, I wasn’t even trying to find you guys, I was sulking in bed when you literally turned up on my doorstep.

PATRICK SWAYZE

But then we wouldn’t have had that pointless skydiving scene. Or that bank robbery you’re gonna help us do!

KEANU REEVES

What? You’re sticking around and doing another robbery?! You do realize there’s more than one person in the FBI, right? Just cause you’ve taken me out of the equation doesn’t make you instantly manhunt-proof!

PATRICK SWAYZE

You don’t understand, I’m trying to make some obscure point about my asinine worldview! Don’t you see, the system turns people into lifeless slaves, by doing robberies we show them that some of us are still free!

KEANU REEVES

I kinda think the point they’re more likely to take away is that the people who live outside the system are self-serving violent assholes.

PATRICK SWAYZE

But all these people blandly going to their jobs and following all the rules put down by The Man-

KEANU REEVES

Are necessary to support a world where it’s technologically possible to go skydiving or follow the summer across the globe, you entitled, hypocritical fuckwad! Man, why is my character getting so suckered in by your flimsy bullshit? Have I been swallowing too much seawater?

They charge into a BANK and start ROBBING IT. But then PATRICK breaks from ROUTINE and decides to go for the VAULT, putting the robbery into OVERTIME.

BYSTANDER

Well gee now, if this were a ninety-second robbery I wouldn’t try to pull anything, but since this has become a two-minute robbery I’m gonna grab a gun and start shooting! IT IS THE LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE OF A ROBBERY TAKING SLIGHTLY LONGER THAN USUAL!

The ROBBERY turns into a SHOOTOUT! PATRICK legs it with one of his guys DEAD and another WOUNDED, then the FBI show up and arrest KEANU.

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

I was right to irrationally hate you, you traitorous little astroturd! I’m gonna make sure you pay for what you-

GARY BUSEY

Uh, say, why don’t I, Keanu’s friend and partner, who you also hate, and who hates you, take Keanu in? By myself?

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

I don’t see any reason why not.

GARY drives KEANU off and UNCUFFS HIM.

GARY BUSEY

All right, you know where Patrick’s plane is, let’s go arrest him.

KEANU REEVES

No, we can’t arrest him or shoot him or harm him or hinder him in any way or Lori’s dead.

GARY BUSEY

Oh, well then I guess let’s just let him go, so that he’ll release Lori like he said.

KEANU REEVES

No, we can’t just let him walk either!

GARY BUSEY

So, what, we go after him, but we can’t hurt him or stop him, and he knows we can’t hurt him or stop him so we have no leverage? What the hell are we going to do, then?

KEANU REEVES

I guess I’ll try to just yell whinily at Patrick until he changes his mind. It could work!

They go ATTEMPT THIS but it turns into ANOTHER SHOOTOUT. KEANU gets CAPTURED and GARY gets SHOT.

GARY BUSEY

Ack! And I only had four thousand days until retirement!

(dies)

EXT. SKY

PATRICK prepares to JUMP OUT OF THE PLANE.

PATRICK SWAYZE

Ha ha, I win! All I have to do is parachute down to freedom, leaving you up here with absolutely no means of defeating me! But first let me just drop this giant pistol three feet from where you’re standing.

(does)

Seeya!

He LEAPS OUT. KEANU grabs the GUN, jumps out without a PARACHUTE, and TACKLES PATRICK MID-AIR!

PATRICK SWAYZE

Nice try, but now how are you gonna pull the chute? I refuse to, even on pain of death, because I’m a fucking wack job. You need one arm just to hold on, so you’ll have to throw away your gun to free up your other hand!

KEANU REEVES

Or I could tuck the gun in my waistband for two seconds. Or I could use the other hand to pull the chute, and grab onto you again in the two seconds it takes the chute to unfurl. Or I could-

PATRICK SWAYZE

Come on, man, I’m trying to invent a new version of chicken here.

KEANU REEVES

Ugh, fine.

KEANU tosses the GUN, pulls the CHUTE and somehow manages to hold on without getting his ARMS DISLOCATED.

PATRICK SWAYZE

All right, and before I ride off into the sunset, I will now set Lori free as promised! Dumping her into the middle of the Mexican desert. Without any money, food or water, or any idea where she is. In her nightgown. Man, it’s a good thing you happen to be here, or she’d have been FUCKED.

LORI is let go. She runs into KEANU’S ARMS.

LORI PETTY

Keanu! Now that all your lies have led to my abduction and near-murder, I’ve forgiven them! I love you!

KEANU REEVES

I love you too! We can now start our life together! That said, it’s cool if I fuck off to chase Patrick around the world for a year, right?

LORI PETTY

What? But-

EXT. AUSTRALIAN BEACH

ONE YEAR LATER, KEANU finally catches up with PATRICK.

KEANU REEVES

At last! Do you know how many places I’ve looked? Mexico, Fiji, Sumatra, other places that the FBI has no jurisdiction...

PATRICK SWAYZE

What the fuck, you’re still with the FBI? The last I saw, they were arresting you for bank robbery!

KEANU REEVES

I guess I really impressed them with how I fled custody and got my partner killed? Anyway, you’re under arrest!

PATRICK SWAYZE

Aww, but I wanna go surfing! This is the fifty year storm, waves so big they kill you, my whole life has been leading up to this!

KEANU REEVES

So? The fact that you really really want this should absolutely not be a factor here. I mean, you know what Gary really really wanted? To NOT BE DEAD.

PATRICK SWAYZE

(puppy dog eyes)

Come onnnnn.

KEANU REEVES

Oh God. Are we really doing this? After all the shit you’ve pulled, I’m just going to let you have your big macho death that you were planning on having anyway? This counts as you not actually getting comeuppance, you realize.

PATRICK SWAYZE

But the nature of our bro-tastic relationship-

KEANU REEVES

Didn’t we stop playing all that bullshit macho philosophy straight ages ago? I thought we’d been subverting that kind of alpha-male honor-and-glory claptrap by revealing that your stuff about “control” was a sham and you were really just flailing desperately at the whims of the universe like everybody else.

PATRICK SWAYZE

Look dude, we could have some integrity and see that whole thing through, sure. Have me go to prison, stay alive. But with me still around, before you know it they’ll be making 2 Point 2 Break, then it’ll be Point 5, and next thing you know you’re making Break 8 and what was once just a trashy little action movie has become this huge billion-dollar thing that devours your entire career and leaves you typecast forever.

KEANU REEVES

Oh shit, you’ve got a point. Fuck it, go die, I’ve got a bunch of iconic action and sci-fi movies to inexplicably get cast in the lead of.

(leaves)

PATRICK SWAYZE

Excellent! And as for myself, after this movie I’ll...

(checks future IMDb)

Almost immediately vanish into obscurity? Damnit!

(drowns)

END.