FADE IN:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY sits across from a pissed-off LUCY LIU. The colors are extremely oversaturated, the cuts are quick, and lines are literally repeated after they are said one time with a flange applied to the voice.

LUCY LIU

Tell me what happened. And please try to work in the phrase "Bounty Hunter" as often as possible, since you sound ridiculous saying it the way you do.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Fine, I'll tell you the story of how I became a bownty hunta.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY (V.O.)

I could tell she wasn't impressed with my portrayal of a real-life badass bounty hunter chick as nothing more than a pouty teenage grrrl.

LUCY LIU

Er, what the hell was that?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

That was my voiceover.

LUCY LIU

I thought your voiceover was you telling me about what happened.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Yeah, there are two voiceovers. In one, I describe a specific story with you as the audience. In the other, I describe my life and this interrogation with nobody specific as the audience.

LUCY LIU

Sounds like some real top-notch direction.

INT. BOUNTY HUNTER WORKSHOP

KEIRA walks into a BOUNTY HUNTER WORKSHOP. The colors are still fucked up and the direction still very obnoxious.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY (V.O.)

I was a bit surprised that the unrelentingly annoying directorial style of the first few scenes hadn't gone away by this point, but I didn't let that stop me. I was dead-set on becoming a bownty hunta.

MICKEY ROURKE

A what? Oh, bounty hunter.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

That's right! A GIRL wants to be a BOWNTY HUNTA! You got a problem with that?

EDGAR RAMIREZ

That was convincing.

They break into SOME DUDE'S HOUSE to collect a GENERIC BOUNTY and find themselves in a standoff with RANDOM MINORITY STEREOTYPES.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Drop the gun. That's right, I'm a bownty hunta with a vagina! That gonna be a problem for you?

SOME GUY

Am I really supposed to be afraid of a woman who weighs less than the average 12-year-old?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Don't underestimate me. I play a very different character in this movie.

SOME GUY

What? You always play a uniquely independent woman getting along in a man's world.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Yes, but this time I smoke.

He points his gun at her head.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

If you don't shoot me, I'll give you a lap dance.

SOME GUY

What? Why?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Er, because... um, because the audience wants to see it.

SOME GUY

Will you be completely nude?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Yes.

She ISN'T, but she doesn't get shot anyway. KEIRA, MICKEY, and EDGAR collect bounties and kick lots of ASS. KEIRA even eventually wins the Bounty Hunter of the Year award. Really, that happens.

In nearly every scene, frames are suddenly inter-cut with other frames from the scene, colors get washed out, textures blurred, and lines are repeated for emphasis with a slight echo added.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Wait, wait, stop the scene. I'm sorry, is there some kind of reason everything is shot this way?

DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT

I really, really liked the trailer for the movie, so I made the entire film resemble a trailer.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

So it doesn't, like, stop?

DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT

No, this actually continues for all two hours of the movie.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

That's excruciating.

DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT

I directed The Fan.

Suddenly, KEIRA, MICKEY, and EDGAR meet with CHRISTOPHER WALKEN and agree to have a reality show made.

MICKEY ROURKE

A reality show subplot? I thought this was a movie about bounty hunters.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Yeah, bownty huntas that get periods! Does that fuck your shit up?

The reality show subplot continues for the rest of the film while a couple of dipshits from 90210 make as big of a deal as possible about being in the movie.

DELROY LINDO and a BUNCH OF PEOPLE WEARING MASKS get caught up in a storyline so complicated that it actually requires a diagram on the screen. With arrows.

DABNEY COLEMAN

My money has been stolen! I want it back!

MICKEY ROURKE

Holy shit, you're still in movies?

DABNEY COLEMAN

Yes, and I need a bounty hunter to get my money back!

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

How about a bownty hunta that can lactate? Does that shatter your preconceptions or what?

They get back the money, and there's an extraneous surprise ending that nobody cares about. Lots of people die, but we don't worry about KEIRA getting killed since she has to live in order to narrate the film. Twice.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY (V.O.)

After that, I met Tony Scott and he decided to make an awful movie about me, diminishing my life.

The AUDIENCE walks outside and has to wait ten minutes so everyone's eyes can adjust to a full spectrum of color once again.

END