FADE IN:

EXT. COUNTY FAIR

MICHAEL CHIKLIS and his CRIMINAL GANG arrive from a DELETED SCENE where they robbed a HALLOWE'EN COSTUME WAREHOUSE CLEARANCE SALE.

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

Remind me why we had to dress up as clowns? Jason got a cool priest outfit.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Because, numbskull, we need balloons for the plan, and some normally dressed guy holding balloons at a county fair would look REALLY out of place. As shifty-looking clowns, though, we'll be practically invisible.

(checks watch)

It's time. Let the balloons go, as per our secret signal!

MICAH A. HAUPTMAN

Our secret signal is releasing a small bunch of helium balloons? Well it's not like kids at fairs do that all the time, oh wait YES IT IS. What came second in the "secret-signal" voting, a jock carrying a giant stuffed animal for his girlfriend?

EXT. COUNTY FAIR - MAIN OFFICE

JASON STATHAM, looking all JASON PRIESTLY, knocks on the door. A GUARD answers.

GUARD

Who are hell are you?

JASON STATHAM

Glad you asked. I'm a wandering painter who uses my craft to deal with the numerous profound tragedies in my life. In particular I concentrate on capturing the elusive quality of light as it plays on various objects, though what my quest REALLY teaches me is that the most elusive light of all... is from the heart. Jason Statham stars in "Heartlight", in theatres this Easter.

(grins)

GUARD

(stares)

JASON STATHAM

Er, okay... actually, I'm discredited astrophysicist Vance Noggin, whose remarkable mental talents were augmented by a freak chemical accident! Now I can perform astonishing feats of calculation which I'm using to unravel a vast global conspiracy of Vatican-mafia data smugglers. This summer, be sure to use your "Noggin"!

GUARD

(stares)

JASON STATHAM

(sighs)

Fine, I'm a ruthless criminal-for-hire with an impossibly strict personal moral code, which if crossed provides all the pretext necessary for two hours of bone-crunching action.

(pause)

From the future?

GUARD

(stares)

JASON STATHAM

(slumps)

...not from the future.

GUARD

OH SHIT GUYS IT'S RUTHLESS BONE-CRUNCHING CRIMINAL-FOR-HIRE JASON STATHAM!! WE'RE IN FOR IT NOW!!!

JASON STATHAM

It's okay, I'm only here for the money. No harm will come to you.

GUARD

Except for the psychological scarring of fearing for my life, and then probably losing my job. At least I'll have the satisfaction of reporting your ass to the police, along with a full description...

JASON STATHAM

Actually no you won't. At this very moment, my supernatural glamour is hopelessly enthralling you to my rugged bald manliness, so you'll be powerless to act against me. Consider yourself Renfield to my Dracula.

GUARD

(glassy-eyed)

Yes master.

(builds shrine to Jason)

The GANG steals the MONEY, then cram themselves into a SINGLE SUV and TAKE OFF!

INT. SUV BARRELING DOWN HIGHWAY

JASON STATHAM

I agree the clown costumes were a nice touch, but all of us stuffed into one car seems like pushing it a bit. There's barely enough room to pull your inevitable double-cross.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

True, we could have confronted you either before or after travelling at high speed in a tight, confined space, but then we thought, fuck that.

MICHAEL draws his GUN and SHOOTS JASON TWICE AT POINT BLANK RANGE which achieves roughly three-fifths of JACK SHIT. JASON KICKS and PUNCHES and LEAPS his way out of the SPEEDING SUV before realizing that dodging the GROUND is a wee bit tricky even for him.

PLANET EARTH

(slamming into Jason Statham)

Oof!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

(stopping car)

That pulverizing impact stunned him slightly! Quick, Micah, shoot him some more!

MICAH A. HAUPTMAN goes over and SHOOTS JASON AT EVEN MORE POINT BLANK RANGE while JASON uses his cunning strategy of it BEING THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE to not die. The GANG drive off, evilly!

INT. HOSPITAL

JASON lies in a hospital bed being watched by an ELDERLY PATIENT with a TRACHEOTOMY.

JASON STATHAM

(waking)

...What happened?

TRACHEO-MAN

A rejected Duck Dynasty spin-off family found you and brought you here. Luckily whoever shot you was using exposition bullets, so instead of losing blood you gained motivation.

JASON STATHAM

Right, time to be going. You don't mind helping me, I hope?

TRACHEO-MAN

(glassy-eyed)

Yes master.

JASON escapes the HOSPITAL and STEALS A CAR!

CUE: JASON STATHAM CAR-STEALING THEME

JASON STATHAM

Ah, the trademark Stathamesque hospital-gown escape NEVER gets old. Off we go!

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

JASON makes contact with voicebox-shredding enthusiast NICK NOLTE.

JASON STATHAM

Dammit Nick, you said Chiklis and his gang were cool! Super cool! Fantastic, even!

NICK NOLTE

(gargling hydrochloric acid)

Different gang. THIS gang turns out to be connected to every major crime syndicate in America. My bad.

JASON STATHAM

Well, the fact that they think I'm dead means I have an opportunity to take revenge. I'll start by beating people up for information, which has the added benefit of brazenly announcing to the crime world that I'm still alive.

JASON goes to a BAR and JASON STATHAMS a guy into squealing that MICHAEL CHIKLIS is in PALM BEACH. Then he STEALS A CAR!!!

CUE: "JASON STATHAM IS DAMN WELL TAKING YOUR CAR SO SHUT UP AND LIKE IT" THEME

INT. BACK AT THE HOUSE

The PHONE rings.

NICK NOLTE

Emma, would you get that? These clumps of rusted nails glued together aren't going to chug themselves.

EMMA BOOTH

(answering)

Jason Statham Supporting Characters Residence, how may I help you?

JASON STATHAM

(on phone)

Hey, baby. I just roughed up a Mob guy, putting both of you in terrible danger. You need to leave.

EMMA BOOTH

Thanks. Um, ever consider warning us first, THEN creating the terrible danger?

JASON STATHAM

Not even for a second.

NICK NOLTE heroically TAKES RIGHT THE FUCK OFF leaving EMMA to match wits with a MOB ASSASSIN, who luckily has the brainpower of a WHEEL OF CHEESE. EMMA escapes!

INT. CRIMINAL OFFICE

JASON visits notorious counterfeiter CARLOS CARRASCO.

JASON STATHAM

Hey Carlos. I need some false papers for my new cover identity.

CARLOS CARRASCO

Why bother? Apparently Parker is so famous that every criminal alive knows you by sight. Tell you what, here's a passport for Parky P. Parkerface, that'll be $3,000.

JASON decides instead to JASON STATHAM some PAPERS out of CARLOS, then STEALS A CAR!!

CUE: "WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A CAR, OR NOT GET YOUR LUNGS PULVERIZED BY JASON STATHAM? YEAH, THOUGHT SO" THEME

EXT. GRAVEL PIT

NICK NOLTE

(jamming razor wire down throat)

I don't think you should go through with this, Jason. Just let it go.

JASON STATHAM

They broke the rules, Nick. There's got to be rules, or you get chaos. Nothing infuriates me more than chaos!!

NICK NOLTE

(furiously sucking back gravel)

This from the guy who breaks nine laws before breakfast? Are you for real?

JASON STATHAM

Yeah, I checked the script twice. Apparently as far as I'm concerned, crime is cool, but chaos can suck donkey dick. Also I love coffee but hate java, and enjoy July but not August.

NICK NOLTE

(fellating operational weed-whacker)

Ooh, ooh, I know! You hate words with the letter "A" in them! So since I solved it, will you quit now?

JASON, undeterred, stoically walks off, resolute in his quest for revenge and then STEALS A CAR!!!

CUE: "JASON STATHAM IS TAKING YOUR CURRENT CAR, EVERY CAR YOU'VE EVER HAD, AND EVERY FUTURE CAR YOU EVER WILL HAVE" THEME

INT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE - PALM BEACH

Struggling realtor JENNIFER LOPEZ is checking her email.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Aw man, those bastards are going to repossess my sweet Mazda CX-5 Crossover. I would do ANYTHING for the money to let me keep it.

(pause)

That's it? Motivation established? So I'm Jack Burton with a Mazda, whatever.

(thinks)

I could steal somebody's client, but everyone here's just as bad off as me. If only there was some way to justify...

BITCH CO-WORKER

(being bitchy)

I'm such a bitch!

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Perfect!

EXT. PALM BEACH

JENNIFER meets up with JASON STATHAM and his ENORMOUS NINETY-GALLON STETSON HAT that seems one swift nod away from SWALLOWING HIM WHOLE.

JASON STETSON

(drawling)

Howdy, ma'am.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

That's actually a pretty decent Texan accent. But given how you've been utterly not concealing yourself to this point, any real reason to start now?

JASON STETSON

(drawling)

Nawt really.

(pause)

Well, maybe to draw attention away from the fact that the next chunk of movie is going to revolve around the high-octane thrill-ride of real estate transactions.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Ha ha ha! Wait, seriously?

JASON STATHAM

The book was written in the 50s, okay? Life was quieter then.

They DRIVE AROUND stockpiling footage for the next season of HGTV'S HOUSE HUNTERS and then find the CHIKLIS HOUSE.

JASON STATHAM

Hm, I find that already occupied house totally uninteresting for no reason. I think I'll stop looking now, and buy the condo I'm already staying at. By the way, where's the nearest surveillance equipment store?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

And aren't YOU just the fucking chameleon.

EXT. RIVERSIDE CABIN

EMMA BOOTH is busy not being EMMA STONE or EMMA ROBERTS when JASON arrives in broad daylight.

JASON STATHAM

(waving)

Hallo! Good job escaping and hiding yourself, Emma. I thought I'd pop round in case I'm being followed. You don't mind me compromising your safety, right?

EMMA BOOTH

(pause)

If you're expecting a "Yes master", it ain't coming.

JASON STATHAM

Whuh? Of course not, ha ha. Nookie time!

INT. CHIKLIS HOUSE

The all-dude CHICKLESS GANG prepares for their next job.

MICAH A. HAUPTMAN

Hey guys, I was just checking CriminalRevengeTracker.org and it says Jason is still alive!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Damn! All right everyone, keep an eye out for Jason's signature bald head. Man, I hope he hasn't come up with some devious way to conceal it from view, or we're in deep shit.

INT. JASON'S CONDO

JENNIFER shows up to confront JASON.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Look, I've figured out there's a Jason Statham movie going on, and I want in.

JASON STATHAM

Hm.

(thinks)

Strip down to your underwear, now.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

What? Oh, you want to make sure I'm not wearing a wire. Fair enough.

(begins undressing)

JASON STATHAM

Er, yeah, wires. That's it.

(pause)

Right then, let's see that incredibly enormous bootie that was the only thing anyone could talk about for most of the 1990s... here it comes... oh wow, it's... it's human-sized. Huh. The way people used to go on and on, I was almost expecting it to be visible from space.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

(shrugs)

We didn't have Kim Kardashian back then. It was a different time.

EXT. PALM BEACH - THE NEXT DAY

JASON and JENNIFER tail MICHAEL CHIKLIS to an EXPENSIVE MANSION.

JASON STATHAM

This must be where they're planning their next big heist. Especially since Michael is standing outside holding a giant sign that says "THIS IS MY NEXT BIG HEIST".

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

(squinting)

That ridiculous cowboy hat is staring right at me. If only I could see what was underneath it...

(shrugs)

Eh, it's probably nothing.

INT. JASON'S CONDO

JASON STATHAM

Lum tee tum. I wonder what that crime syndicate I pissed off is up to.

Suddenly he is ATTACKED by ASSASSIN GUY!!! They BEAT THE SNOT out of each other until finally JASON uses a NETI-POT to CLEAR HIS SINUSES and thus has NO MORE SNOT to be beaten out of him! With this newfound advantage (oh yeah, and a toilet-basin cover to the head) JASON WINS!

JASON STATHAM

Whew, that was close. If that super-wealthy ultra-powerful organization had the budget to send TWO guys, though, I'd have been totally fucked.

ASSASSIN

(attacking)

SURPRISE! Crushing my skull into a pancake only stunned me! MY BRAIN IS LITERALLY A WHEEL OF CHEESE!!

The ASSASSIN stabs JASON RIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING HAND!! But JASON throws him out the WINDOW where he PLUNGES TO HIS DEATH!

PLANET EARTH

(colliding with object thrown by Jason Statham)

OW! Quit it!

INT. J-LO'S HOUSE

JENNIFER answers the door to find underdeveloped subplot BOBBY CANNAVALE.

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Hi Jen! I heard there's a Jason Statham movie going on?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Sorry, no room. Goodbye.

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Ah well.

(vanishes)

JENNIFER goes round back and finds JASON being patched up by EMMA, and doted on by her MOM and DOG.

J-MOM

(glassy-eyed)

Please have some hot soup, Master.

J-DOG

(glassy-eyed)

WOOF WOOF HERE ARE YOUR SLIPPERS MASTER

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Chrissake, Jason, you glamoured the whole house?

JASON STATHAM

(sheepishly)

Sorry, no time to be subtle. I've got to get ready to stop The Big Heist. I figure all the tendons in my hand will be healed in, what, two hours?

EXT. THE BIG HEIST

The CHIKLIS GANG arrives in a FIRE ENGINE.

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

I was thinking, maybe we should quit doing elaborate heists and just steal emergency vehicles full-time. After all, it seems we can do that utterly at will, and these babies are worth a lot of money. I drew up a list of potential buyers...

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Shut it. Now listen, once we get the stuff, we'll escape out the back way and through the water. I've cleverly arranged for a diversion which will be also on the water, and on the same side of the house as us, because I do not understand what a "diversion" is.

MICAH A. HAUPTMAN

Well I wasn't expecting everything to go without a hitch. Things going wrong and plans being adjusted on the fly is how you create excitement in heist movies, right? We'll surely be doing some of that?

NOPE.

EXT. BACK AT THE CHIKLIS HOUSE

The CHIKLIS GANG returns to find...

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Jennifer? What the heck are you doing here?

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Oh, just trying to find a way to insert myself into the grand finale. Hostage, I guess?

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

Come out and face us, Jason, we got J-Lo! You have no choice but to--

(explodes)

JASON STATHAM

Ha ha, I came by earlier and planted weapons everywhere! And disabled most of YOUR weapons, knowing that you would never test them before a big heist. I was concerned that being the star of the movie might not be enough of an advantage.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Then I guess it's finally time for our climactic showd--

(is torn in half)

MICAH A. HAUPTMAN

You won't defeat ME so ea--

(crushed into singularity)

JENNIFER LOPEZ

So, you have the stuff, and your revenge is complete. I guess this is goodbye.

JASON STATHAM

Maybe between you and me, but not for Parker! There's a whole fuckton of these books you know. I was thinking this franchise could be my very own Jack Reacher.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

(lifts eyebrow)

Careful what you wish for.

JASON FENCES the STUFF and mails STACKS OF CASH to JENNIFER, the DUCK DYNASTY FAMILY, and EVERYBODY HE EVER STOLE A CAR FROM, leaving himself with a total haul of FOUR DOLLARS.

JASON STATHAM

It was the principle.

END

Oh, and P.S. he totally punchkilled all those crime syndicates that were after him so he's fine. TUNE IN WEDNESDAYS AT 10 ON SHOWTIME FOR THE PARKER CHRONICLES STARRING BOBBY CANNAVALE!!