FADE IN:

EXT. FIELD, THE NEAR FUTURE - WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN’T THE NEAR FUTURE? IT’S SET RIGHT NOW? WEIRD CHOICE FOR THIS KIND OF MOVIE, BUT IF YOU SAY SO

Government assassin WILL SMITH is lying prone with a SNIPER RIFLE two kilometres from a TRAIN TRACK.

WILL SMITH

Okay, time to take out this target with my ridiculous superhuman marksmanship skills. And before anybody asks, no this is not the Suicide Squad reboot.

(grumbles)

What the hell timeline is this, that I’m honestly thinking “Boy I wish I was in the Suicide Squad reboot instead of this turkey”.

E.J. BONILLA

(on phone)

Come in, Will! The target is on the train, which will soon be passing by your location at over two hundred miles an hour. Remember, you have to shoot not where he is but where he will be, and if you fuck up your calculations by a micron you could wind up killing, sheesh, pretty much anybody.

WILL SMITH

Okay... that kinda raises the question why we didn’t shoot him while he was getting on the train, or getting off the train, or pretty much at any other time rather than rely on this impossible one-in-a-billion magic shot.

(takes aim)

But fine, I guess I’ll just calculate where on the train I’ll need to shoot at in order for the bullet to make its mark, then carefully take aim at that point and fire.

E.J. BONILLA

OR, you could carefully take aim at the target’s face, then whip your gun barrel hard to the left at the last second and pray for the best.

WILL SMITH

FINE. Anything else I can do to make things even harder on myself? Should I be doing this blindfolded? Operate the trigger with my toes?

He takes the SHOT and manages to hit the TARGET, even though he clearly didn’t take DROP-OFF into account over a TWO-KILOMETRE DISTANCE.

WILL SMITH

Ugh, I’m getting too old for this physics-defying Wanted bullshit. I think it’s time for me to quit the assassin game. Hopefully in a happily-ever-after Martin Blank way, not in a fucked-up constant-murders Barry Berkman way.

EXT. OCEAN

A newly-retired WILL goes and visits old spy pal DOUGLAS HODGE on his YACHT.

DOUGLAS HODGE

Troubling news, Will. How much do you know about the dude you train-sniped?

WILL SMITH

You mean Hitler von Stabsworth? Not much, just that he was some kind of evil scientist, and that he invented Orphan Glue™, the Only Glue Made from Freshly-Ground Orphans.

DOUGLAS HODGE

That was all a lie, bro! He did science for GEMINI, a paramilitary organization that was working with the CIA on the top-secret-

WILL SMITH

DIA. We’re calling our CIA-like agency the DIA in this movie.

DOUGLAS HODGE

Well that’s lame and distracting. But yeah, GEMINI boss Clive Owen and rogue DIA operative Linda Edmond ordered the guy’s death because he was taking a bunch of top-secret GEMINI science back home to Hungary.

WILL SMITH

Wait, why was that a rogue assassination? Killing people before they can export military secrets sounds like routine CIA stuff.

DOUGLAS HODGE

CIA sure, but I guess maybe the DIA frowns upon such dirty dealings? Huh, maybe that’s why we changed the name. Maybe test audiences said “Bullshit, that troupe of ruthless international assassins is WAY too nice to be the CIA!”

INT. BOAT RENTAL OUTLET

On the way back to SHORE, WILL discovers a BUG has been planted in his boat! He goes to confront boat rental clerk MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD.

WILL SMITH

You’re a DIA plant sent to watch over me, aren’t you? That’s why the boat you gave me had this huge clump of wires dangling underneath the dashboard, which, I mean don’t spy organizations have anything more discreet these days? This fucking thing looks like it was planted by a bad guy from Get Smart.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Me, spying on you? Don’t be absurd! If they sent somebody to spy on you, why the fuck would they place me at a boat rental outlet, where I can only spy on you on days when you decide to rent a boat?

WILL SMITH

That’s... a good point, actually. In fact we’ve firmly established that I have a fear of drowning, so a boat rental outlet is probably the single WORST cover from which anybody could hope to try and surveil me.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Either way, now that you know you were bugged while you and Douglas were having that extremely sensitive conversation about high-level government cover-ups, naturally you’ve realized you’re both fucked and you have to warn Douglas so you both can go immediately into hiding, right?

WILL SMITH

Eh. I was just gonna ask you on a date instead.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Wait, what? I’m your love interest?

(scratches head)

I guess the age difference isn’t TOO bad... I mean, I don’t really look thirty-four, but then again you don’t really look fifty-one so it kind of evens out...

WILL SMITH

Look, don’t worry about it, this scene strongly implies that we’re going to be an item but then it just sort of never comes up again.

EXT. WILL’S HOUSE

That night, a bunch of GOONS show up at WILL’S HOUSE to KILL HIM! He simply SHOOTS THEM ALL JOHN WICK-STYLE, then gives E.J. a call.

WILL SMITH

E.J.! They’re coming for you, get the fuck out of there!

E.J. BONILLA

But they only came after you because you know too much, whereas I know jack shit. Why would they-

(killed)

WILL SMITH

DAMNIT! I better warn Mary, who knows even less than E.J. did, and therefore makes even less sense as a target!

He goes and finds MARY, and they kill a few more ATTACKERS then go on the lam together. They take a boat to meet WILL’S FRIEND BENEDICT WONG.

BENEDICT WONG

I’m an old Marine buddy of Will’s! I’ll be hanging with you guys for the rest of the movie, I’m a pilot and can fly you from scene to scene.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Okay... is that all you’re here to do?

BENEDICT WONG

That and hopefully pull in some of those sweet Chinese box office dollars. Seriously, this movie is gonna need all the help it can get.

INT. HOTEL

WILL, MARY and BENEDICT all hole up in a HOTEL ROOM in CARTAGENA. But suddenly there is an ASSASSIN outside!

WILL SMITH

Holy shit! How did they find us?

BENEDICT WONG

I dunno. Tracking device? That’s just my first guess.

WILL chases down the ASSASSIN, only to find that he is... YOUNG WILL SMITH?!?

WILL SMITH

Okay FINALLY, man I can’t believe it’s taken a full half an hour to even introduce this guy-

(shot at)

Oh right, this is a fight scene.

He and HIMSELF have a gunfight-slash-motorcycle chase through the city! Eventually WILL and WILL have both run out of GUNS and GRENADES.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Aha, but I still have a motorcycle!

(slaps Will with motorcycle)

Take that!

(slaps Will with motorcycle, again)

And that!

(does it again)

If I keep doing this for like ten minutes, maybe I’ll wind up killing him!

(throws entire motorcycle at Will)

...Or I could just stab him with my knife.

(pulls out big sharp knife)

Right. This thing. Probably should have remembered it sooner.

WILL SMITH

DUDE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, DO YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM IDENTICAL TO YOU.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Sorry, pops, I guess spies don’t get observation training anymore. Now hold still while I-

(cops show up)

AW NUTS! I gotta get out of here, without even taking two seconds to throw this knife into your jugular!

JUNIOR runs for it. WILL is arrested but then MARY and BENEDICT make him NOT ARRESTED.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Holy shit Will, did you see that kid’s face?

WILL SMITH

You mean how in some shots he looks just a liiittle too smooth and polished? Don’t worry, you get used to it.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

No, I mean he looks just like you! Is it possible that he’s your son?

WILL SMITH

No, it’s absolutely, one hundred percent, across the board impossible. The implication being that I, Will Smith, am a virgin. Which is honestly the most outlandish thing in this entire damn movie.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Well I don’t believe you! I’m gonna run a secret paternity test real quick!

(runs test)

WHAT THE SHIT DUDE. I don’t know if you’re ready for this staggering plot twist but... he’s not your SON... he’s your..... CLONE!!!

GUY WHO ACCIDENTALLY WANDERED INTO THE WRONG CINEMA WHILE LOOKING FOR ZOMBIELAND 2 AND HAS HONESTLY NEVER HEARD OF THIS MOVIE BEFORE EVER IN HIS LIFE

WHAAAAA?!?

EXT. BUDAPEST

The gang have moved on to a HOTEL in BUDAPEST which is not quite as GRAND as you might expect. They’ve just learned some POINTLESS EXPOSITION from some POINTLESS EXPOSITION GUY, and now, ready to resume the story, they are calling LINDA EMOND.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Hi, corrupt DIA lady! I’ve decided that, despite all the agency guys we’ve killed and that have tried to kill us, I want to surrender. Oh but for unspecified reasons I’ll ONLY surrender to that kid with the occasionally janky face.

LINDA EMOND

Well this is the most suspicious thing I’ve ever heard. But what the hell, I’m just gonna get him to kill you all anyway. He’s already in Budapest, he’ll see you in five.

WILL SMITH

He’s ALREADY HERE? How did he know where to find us, AGAIN?!

BENEDICT WONG

Dude. Tracking device. How is this not obvious.

JUNIOR comes to the RENDEZVOUS to meet MARY.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Take off all your clothes so I can very thoroughly feel you up for bugs.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Ew. But fine. You gonna check my clothes themselves, or even look at them briefly?

WILL SMITH, JR.

What would be uncomfortably skeevy about that?

He takes her at gunpoint down to some CATACOMBS.

WILL SMITH, JR.

And now I will take out the lights, set up a tripwire grenade for Will, then wait for him in the very last chamber of these ruins. Such tactics!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Uh huh, can’t imagine anything going wrong setting off an explosion in our only exit from an underground tunnel, you fucking genius.

But then WILL comes, TEMPORARILY BLINDS JUNIOR and DISARMS him!

WILL SMITH

All right, now will you please listen? I can prove you’re my clone. You’re allergic to bee stings. You can’t sleep, and when you do sleep you have nightmares. You don’t have Facebook, and find it very important that people understand that you didn’t QUIT it, you never HAD it in the first place. You don’t like to admit that you liked both Speed Racer and Cloud Atlas, but even you drew the line at fucking Jupiter Ascending.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Okay, a lot of this is starting to sound reeeaaallly personal. I guess we’re landing very hard on “nature” in the nature-vs-nurture debate, huh.

WILL SMITH

Oh yeah, this movie is like the anti-Trading Places. So have I convinced you to not kill us?

WILL SMITH, JR.

Let me consider it WHILE I BEAT YOUR/MY FACE INNNN

WILL fights WILL in a big angry brawl! MARY holds a GUN on them but doesn’t FIRE!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Darn, I know I should shoot Junior, but... I can’t!

(squints)

Mostly because I can’t figure out which one he is. Seriously, a fight scene in the dark between two stunt men with the same face CGIed on? How the hell are we supposed to follow this, this is stupid.

JUNIOR gets away.

INT. GEMINI HQ

JUNIOR goes to see GEMINI BOSS CLIVE OWEN.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Fake Dad! I know that I’m a clone you made in a lab!

CLIVE OWEN

Ha ha ha, what?! Is that what they told you, that you’re a fucking CLONE? Jesus, I can’t believe you bought that! Just listen to yourself, listen to how stupid you sound. Curses, I have no choice but to admit everything. I wanted to make you a better version of Will! He had a horrible traumatic childhood, so I gave you a healthy and happy one instead!

WILL SMITH, JR.

Uh huh. And the part where you ran me through rigorous murder training since I was able to walk?

CLIVE OWEN

Ugh, I KNEW you were going to bring that up. Look, don’t you see you’re perfect? You will never have the kind of pain that Will had, even though most of it seems to stem from all the murders I made him do, and possibly the time I literally drowned him. I’ve crafted a version of him that’s totally free from mental anguish!

WILL SMITH, JR.

(runs away, sobbing and screaming)

CLIVE OWEN

(nods proudly)

Such a happy kid.

INT. SOME HALLWAY SOMEWHERE, I DUNNO

WILL, MARY and BENEDICT are off doing SOMETHING when JUNIOR POPS UP! He shoots WILL with a DART.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Ha! That was full of bee venom! Don’t ask me how I managed to obtain a dart full of bee venom on short notice, as far as I’m aware that’s not even a thing.

WILL SMITH

Shit! I guess I’ll just grab my trusty epi-pen and-

(feels pockets)

Are you SHITTING ME?! I, the world’s most elite super-agent, an expert at preparing for any and all eventuality, DON’T have the ONE THING that could keep me from dying if I get stung by a bee? What is wrong with me?!

WILL SMITH, JR.

It’s okay, here.

(gives Will an epi-pen)

I was just making sure your story was true.

WILL SMITH

Your own dad admitted it was! THAT WAS JUST LAST SCENE!

WILL SMITH, JR.

That could’ve been an elaborate prank though?

WILL SMITH

GEEZ. Look, at least tell us how the hell you keep managing to find us.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Tracking device.

BENEDICT WONG

YOU DON’T SAY.

JUNIOR surgically removes the TRACKING DEVICE from WILL.

WILL SMITH, JR.

There we go! Now Clive has no way of locating us.

BENEDICT WONG

...We’re honestly not gonna even contemplate the possibility that Clive also did the tracking device thing with his other Will Smith?

(sighs)

It’s like we don’t even want to win, you know?

EXT. ROAD

MARY, BENEDICT and the WILLS are driving when JUNIOR gets a call from CLIVE.

CLIVE OWEN

Hey, quick question: you’re not in that Jeep with Will, are you? Because for the next ten seconds or so, that’s not a great place to be, FYI.

Everybody BAILS OUT of the JEEP except BENEDICT, who is killed when it is hit with a ROCKET and EXPLODES.

WILL SMITH

Dang, one of the main heroes just got killed. Guess I better acknowledge it:

(screams)

BENEDIIIICT!!!

(pause)

Okay, that oughta do it. Now let’s never mention or think about him again.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Phew, good thing Clive stupidly arranged an ambush that he had to warn Junior about, thus tipping us all off. And hey, now we know he doesn’t dare harm Junior, so as long as Junior stays near us-

WILL SMITH, JR.

SMELL YA LATER

(runs away)

JUNIOR goes and shoves a gun in CLIVE’S FACE.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Tell your men to stand down, fake dad!

CLIVE OWEN

I have a more sinister proposal: shoot me, take my radio, then tell them yourself. Go on. Realize your destiny. Give in to the dark side.

WILL SMITH, JR.

(rolls eyes)

Oh sure, that’s the key to becoming the elite government assassin you want me to be. There’s no limit to how far I can go in this organization once I murder my boss and suborn his employees, right? They’ll just take my word that you were cool with it.

CLIVE OWEN

In that case I FIGHT YOU!

(attacks Junior)

Hyah! Have at thee, you much-younger genetic replica of the ultimate warrior who has been trained in every form of combat since he was born-

(defeated)

Well I don’t know how I expected that to go.

WILL SMITH, JR.

I’m gonna go and save the others now! You’ll just stay put, right?

He goes and finds WILL and MARY fighting CLIVE’S GOONS. He joins in and starts KILLING ALL THE BAD GUYS.

WILL SMITH, JR.

All right, take that you - wait a minute. You don’t suppose these guys are just loyal soldiers who’ve been lied to and told they’re fighting evil terrorists, do you? Like how Clive lied to me about you, or how he lied to you about the train dude?

WILL SMITH

Er, naw, I’m sure that Clive’s duplicitous bullshit applied to you and me only, and he told all these guys “I wanna slaughter innocent people to cover up my illegal clone lab, who’s in?”

WILL SMITH, JR.

Yeah, that works for me!

(keeps shooting)

But then in bursts an ELITE NINJA WARRIOR who starts PARKOURING ALL OVER THE PLACE, and he’s wearing a COMPLETELY FACE-OBSCURING HELMET so there’s bound to be some SUPER-SECRET SECRET about his IDENTITY that NOT ONE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE COULD EVER GUESS IN A MILLION YEARS!!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Oh shit! I’m gonna try shooting this guy with incendiary ammo!

WILL SMITH

It’s no use! He just got back up!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Then I’ll shoot him with more incendiary ammo!

WILL SMITH

It’s still no use! He’s still just getting back up!

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

What if I shot him with incendiary ammo again?

WILL SMITH

He just got up again. Are we really just pulling this same move twenty times in a row?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

I don’t see why not. Here, I’ll shoot him with another bit of incendiary ammo.

WILL SMITH

Wait... he’s getting slower.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Really? Okay, I’ll shoot him with incendiary ammo just a bit more.

WILL SMITH

He’s stopped moving.

(pause)

Well all right then.

Then they take off the guy’s helmet and it’s... WILL SMITH THE THIRD!!!

WILL SMITH

Oh my God another me.

WILL SMITH, JR.

What a shocker and that’s a fact.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Who could have foreseen etc.

CLIVE OWEN

(arriving)

Not just another clone! A special improved clone, with no feelings! No emotions!

WILL SMITH III

(puppy dog eyes, tragic vulnerable stare)

CLIVE OWEN

Stop undermining what I’m saying, you! Look, don’t you see, he’s the perfect soldier of the future! No fear! No pain! None of that useful self-preserving stuff! You just have to spend a couple decades growing, raising, and training them, then they’re perfectly ready to just burst into combat willy-nilly and die recklessly within two minutes, like this guy just demonstrated! ...I forget what my point was.

WILL SMITH, JR.

You suck, Clive. I’m gonna shoot you now, like I pointedly refused to do earlier.

WILL SMITH

Don’t, Junior! You’ll be twisted for life if you do that! There’s a chance for you to be a better man!

WILL SMITH, JR.

I guess you’re right. I mean we have him outgunned and outnumbered, we can just turn him in and let him face justice for-

WILL grabs JUNIOR’S GUN and BLOWS A GIANT HOLE through CLIVE’S CHEST.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Or we could do that, sure.

CLIVE OWEN

Hurk... boy I fucked up. I was a terrible father, terrible mentor, terrible paramilitary leader, and an even more generic villain than in Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. My elite warrior quit on me, my even more elite warrior turned on me, my super duper mega deluxe elite warrior spent almost his entire combat career stumbling around while on fire... did I do a single damn thing right?

WILL SMITH, JR.

Well you did name your company after the best star sign, at least.

CLIVE OWEN

True! I got that much right.

WILL SMITH

Indeed, Geminis are the absolute cream of the crop, everybody knows that.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(smiling dreamily)

Ah, Geminis. So wise and kind and intelligent.

CLIVE OWEN

Handsome, too.

(dies)

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

So, that’s that then! I guess now we have to all go on the run, since we killed so many government agents and know so many dangerous secrets that they’ll want hushed up forever.

WILL SMITH, JR.

Shit, you’re right, let’s get out of here before we all get renditioned to the sweatiest torture prison on the planet.

WILL SMITH

Chill, you guys. Actually the DIA is going to do right by all of us. I get to peacefully retire, Junior gets to go to college and lead a normal life, and Mary, you get to go straight back to working for the government like nothing happened.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

...Yes we were absolutely right not to use the name CIA. Good God, we would have been laughed right out of cinemas.

THEY ARE ANYWAY.

END.

INT. DARK CHAMBER

WILL goes to furtively meet with some SHADOWY FIGURES.

WILL SMITH

It is done. My new movie will tank spectacularly. It won’t even beat that hideous Addams Family cartoon.

SHADOWY FIGURE #1

Very well. But you have far to go before you make up for that misstep with Aladdin.

WILL SMITH

How was I to know that thing would make a billion dollars? Did you see how badly we fucked up Jafar? It should’ve been another Dumbo!

SHADOWY FIGURE #2

The tales of your incompetence do not interest us.

WILL SMITH

Look man, I’ve done everything you asked. I’ve been deliberately sabotaging my career for over a decade now! I passed on Django so I could do Men in Black 3, I did a Shyamalan movie while he was at his Shyamalaniest, I starred in the worst movie in the DCEU except for Justice League of course! What more do you want from me?

SHADOWY FIGURE #3

Look buddy, this is just how it goes. Do you think Tom Cruise whines when we tell him everything he makes that doesn’t have Mission: Impossible in the title must fail? No, he just sucks it up and makes a doomed Top Gun reboot like a professional!

WILL SMITH

I know, I just - I don’t see the purpose! Even my children’s careers, you have me ruin! Why? What’s the point?

SHADOWY FIGURE #1

It’s not for you to know such things. Just understand that it’s part of the great plan, and do not question the wisdom of the council, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? Now go!

WILL SMITH

R-right... of course, I’ll go...

He slinks away in defeat.

SHADOWY FIGURE #1

Hey, does anybody remember why we’re making him do all this?

SHADOWY FIGURE #2

Fucked if I know. He probably cut David Miscavige off in traffic or something.

SHADOWY FIGURE #3

Man, we’re such assholes.

END.