FADE IN:

INT. PAROLE HEARING

SANDRA BULLOCK sits before the PAROLE BOARD in a manner very, very similar to the beginning of OCEAN'S ELEVEN (2001).

PAROLE BOARD

So you're George Clooney's sister that never got mentioned once over the course of three movies?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yes, we retconned Clooney's con man to have a convicted con-artist sister.

PAROLE BOARD

Ah so you're the retcon con con. Okay, let's review. You'd like to do an Ocean's movie.

SANDRA BULLOCK

I would.

PAROLE BOARD

You're aware there are STRICT rules that all Ocean's movies, or for that matter all heist movies these days, must follow. Any deviation from these established protocols WILL result in the immediate revocation of your parole.

SANDRA BULLOCK

I realize this and promise to follow all prescribed tropes to the letter, but with chicks instead of dudes.

PAROLE BOARD

Very well! You are hereby released. Good luck.

SANDRA collects her belongings and walks ALL THE GODDAMN WAY TO NEW YORK CITY where she casually scams herself NEW CLOTHES and MAKEUP and a HOTEL ROOM all without breaking a sweat.

SANDRA BULLOCK

There, now my God-level con powers are well established. I can't wait to see what equally formidable antagonist I'll be going up against!

INT. CREMATORIUM

SANDRA changes into a new STYLISH OUTFIT and visits the memorial plaque of GEORGE CLOONEY.

SANDRA BULLOOCK

Fuck, we killed off George between movies?!? Guess we're serious about gender-flipping the tropes.

ELLIOT GOULD

(appearing)

Don't worry, the SECOND biggest star of the previous Ocean's movies is here!

(grins)

And you'll notice we've left George's death nice and vague in case this movie does super well. Anyway, I came here to tell you don't do whatever you're planning! The original group are all saying it's too dangerous. I mean, have you SEEN the reddit threads for Ghostbusters?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Damn, so I guess there's no way ANY member of the male Ocean's team would EVER agree to be a crucial part of my plan, then.

ELLIOT GOULD

Fuck no! Well, toodles.

INT. ART GALLERY

SANDRA changes into a new STYLISH OUTFIT and heads to RICHARD ARMITAGE'S GALLERY.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

(schmoozing)

And this painting here symbolizes my douchiness. Oh hey Sandra, ha ha, how's it going?

SANDRA BULLOCK

In case you were wondering whether I forgive you for getting me thrown in prison, the answer is that I'm here to cut off your.... shirt button, ha ha!!

(does so)

(leaves)

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Phew! Guess that's Sandra's inevitable revenge taken care of. I can stop watching my back for any complicated payback schemes! Lum tee tum.

INT. A STYLISH RESTAURANT WITH UNOBTRUSIVE MUSIC, PLAYED NICE AND QUIET, IN OTHER WORDS PERHAPS NOT THE BEST PLACE TO DISCUSS HUGE JEWEL HEISTS OUT LOUD ALL CASUAL-LIKE

SANDRA changes into a new STYLISH OUTFIT and meets up with CATE BLANCHETT who is wearing an EVEN MORE STYLISH OUTFIT.

SANDRA BULLOCK

So I have a plan to do a Big Heist, and it'll need a team of seven to pull off.

CATE BLANCHETT

(raises eyebrows)

(points elegantly to movie poster)

(smoothly displays promotional materials)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yes, SEVEN. Don't worry, we'll add someone later in a shocking twist that the title of the movie has already spoiled. Or maybe we'll add TWO more people and make the title of the movie an outright lie. We'll see.

INT. SANDRA'S HAPPENIN' HIDEOUT, AND PLEASE JUST ASSUME THERE ARE BRAND NEW STYLISH OUTFITS FOR EVERY SCENE

SANDRA tells CATE all the details of the big plan.

CATE BLANCHETT

(peers over sunglasses)

SANDRA BULLOCK

I know, robbing a museum SEEMS risky, but...

(actual line)

We're not robbing a museum; we're robbing someone AT the museum.

(not actual line)

...and we're robbing the museum. But we need a big surprise reveal at the end, it's the rules.

CATE BLANCHETT

(sips cocktail with one foot on ottoman)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Look, I've spent five years figuring out this heist in perfect detail. It'll work.

CATE BLANCHETT

(reclines leisurely on plush couch)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Yes I know Vogue only plans their galas one year in advance! I spent three of the five years devising alternate plans for every possible venue across the entire country, okay? Now we need the obligatory band of misfits!

They begin to ASSEMBLE their ECLECTIC TEAM of CRIMINALS!

RIHANNA

Hello, I'm a hacker who hacks things.

SANDRA BULLOCK

One question. Are your hacking skills ludicrously overpowered enough to meet the standards of a major studio film?

RIHANNA

Ahem.

(types for five seconds)

(hacks city power grid)

(hacks FBI, Interpol, S.H.I.E.L.D., U.N.C.L.E., Death Star, protomolecule)

(reveals that everyone lives in a "Black Mirror" simulation world)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Okay, you're in. Who else we got?

SARAH PAULSON

I'm a fence who fences things!

AWKWAFINA

I'm a pickpocket who pickpockets things!

MINDY KALING

I'm a jeweler who, ah, jewels things!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

And I'm an eccentric wacky fashion designer! Who, er, doesn't bring any actual crime-doing skills to the table. Though I am being audited by the IRS so I do bring unwanted attention?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Ah, but you have the most crucial job, which is to get hired by Anne Hathaway as her official designer for the Met Gala! Then you can insist she wears a super valuable Cartier necklace which we will steal. And, er, nothing else.

CATE BLANCHETT

(snaps fingers)

(entire outfit changes)

SANDRA BULLOCK

No, despite Ocean's movie tradition Anne is NOT playing herself, even though the only argument against using her real name is that it would be awesome.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

How do we get her to choose me though?

SANDRA BULLOCK

We'll make her jealous with the help of an even MORE famous celebrity!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Oh nice, so THIS will be the hilarious cameo! And to make it work it'll be someone MEGA-famous like Beyonce or Meghan Markle or

SANDRA BULLOCK

It's Dakota Fanning also playing a fictional person.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Oh.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Anyway it's time for stage one of the plan! Bring in the stuff!

Some DELIVERY MEN wheel in a SUPERCOMPUTER, A TEN-TON 3D PRINTER, A RACK OF HIGH-FASHION DRESSES, A STACK OF COSTUME-MAKING MATERIALS, and FUTURISTIC SCANNING AND SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT.

SANDRA BULLOCK

(proudly)

This super advanced machine prints 3D zirconium from scans made by these special techno-glasses. It cost kerburbly-flerd gorbfle dollars, and with all the rest of the gear and wardrobes and shit I'm honestly not sure we're turning a profit on this.

INT. CARTIER BUILDING

HELENA and MINDY go to see the NECKLACE and are taken to the DOWNSTAIRS VAULT.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Thank you, I simply cannot design a dress around this necklace without staring intently at every last corner of it for several minutes, to create a 3D scan... in my mind, ha ha ha! You see some people have photographic memory but I have, er, holographic memory. That's it.

She puts on the SCAN-O-SPECS but there's no SIGNAL RECEPTION!

SANDRA BULLOCK

(monitoring back at HQ)

Oh crap, an actual obstacle in the plan! Shit, what are we gonna do?!

HELENA takes the necklace UPSTAIRS and gets SIGNAL RECEPTION!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Phew! Now Helena can get a full scan of one side of the necklace, and the machine can magically extrapolate the other side with perfect accuracy. Close one!

RIHANNA

And if only we'd rigged the specs to stream data directly to her phone, instead of over a public network to aaalll the way over here, there'd have been no obstacle at all.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Look, we're having a hard enough time making this seem difficult as it is. Now, I need you to spend all your time slowwwly moving the museum's security cameras to create a single blind spot.

RIHANNA

Okay. What about the other giant room full of expensive gems, you need me to fuck with those cameras at all?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Even though that's our bigger, main target, it's also a secret twist, so no.

INT. SANDRA'S HIDEOUT

SANDRA checks in with the other team members.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Sarah, how's your end coming?

SARAH PAULSON

I got myself hired at Vogue by doing horrible disgusting things to a current, and presumably totally innocent, employee. Like, made bugs lay eggs IN HER FACE so baby bugs would burst OUT OF HER FUCKING FACE.

(shudders)

However, by inflicting that untold psychological damage, I managed to get the seating chart for the gala! I am a horrible, horrible person.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Nice work. I'll arrange for Richard Armitage to be Anne's date by waving this magic wand over here. Oh, and did you get Cate that nutrition-consultant job?

CATE BLANCHETT

(leans majestically against Corinthian column)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Great, then we're all set!

INT. IT'S HEIST DAAAY!!!!!

HELENA and ANNE go to pick up the NECKLACE.

CARTIER GUY

Allow me to put the necklace on you Anne, and then LOCK it in place with this SURPRISE MAGNET LOCK, WHAAAAAAT?!?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Damn, how did the high-tech scan-o-specs not notice the powerful fucking magnet attached? Looks like our plan's hit a SECOND OBSTACLE, oh noes!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Thank god! I was getting worried we'd have the first completely suspense-free heist in the history of film. I wonder what kind of wacky hijinks we're going to have to pull to get out of this late-hour complication? It should be good, like the Pinch Heist in the first movie, the Bruce Willis scene in the second, or when Don Cheadle had to pretend to be black Evel Knievel!

RIHANNA

Don't worry, my little sister can create a sonic screwdriver out of subway garbage at a moment's notice, in fact she already did and it's right here. BAAAAAM, your move, Shuri.

INT. THE MET GALA

Everyone arrives at the BIG FANCY GALA and sits down. However CATE has spiked ANNE'S FOOD with footage from 2009's BRIDE WARS to make her PUKE!

ANNE HATHAWAY

(sprinting to bathroom)

OUTHATHAWAY ASSHOOOOLES

As she HURLS, a disguised AWKWAFINA uses the sonic screwdriver to pinch the necklace!

AWKWAFINA

Wow, Anne's so distracted by her vomiting I barely even NEED my sleight-of-hand skills!

AWKWAFINA uses the camera blind-spot to put the NECKLACE on a busboy's tray which gets it to MINDY in the kitchen.

MINDY KALING

Yoink! And now to disassemble it using this complete fully-stocked jeweler's station that is here in this washroom somehow.

ANNE finally notices the necklace is GONE and sounds the ALARM! A GUARD is about to find MINDY--so SANDRA gives the signal for SARAH to "find" the zirconium copy.

SARAH PAULSON

Yay, found it, panic over! It was in this decorative pool.

SECURITY GUARD

You're saying that Anne rushed to the bathroom SO HARD it created a localized gravitational field that disrupted the magnetic lock of the necklace, which then did not merely drop but instead flung its considerable weight over to this water feature?

SARAH PAULSON

Looks like.

SECURITY GUARD

And does the necklace you're holding include a replica of that magnetic lock that you didn't even know existed until this morning?

SARAH PAULSON

Why, so it does!

Meanwhile SANDRA BULLOCK, in disguise as a BLONDE GERMAN with SANDRA BULLOCK'S EXACT SAME FACE, plants a piece of the original necklace on RICHARD.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Huh, that sure looked like my ex, renowned criminal Sandra Bullock. But her hair was a different colour, so I'm sure it's nothing.

MINDY makes the necklace pieces into other, smaller jewellery, and then the gang all put on EXPENSIVE FANCY DRESSES and PARADE OUT, even MINDY and AWKWAFINA and RIHANNA who were disguised as kitchen staff or whatnot, because FUCK YOU EVERYONE ELSE GOT STUNNINGLY GLAMOROUS OUTFITS WE'RE GETTING IN ON THAT SHIT

INT. DINER LOCATION -- A DAY OR TWO LATER

SANDRA meets with super surprise megawatt guest star JAMES CORDEN!

JAMES CORDEN

Hello, I'll be your "Hilary Swank from Logan Lucky" for this movie. I work for the insurers and I'm here to piece the whole puzzle together.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Ah, at long last, my formidable adversary has finally--

JAMES CORDEN

Adversary?! Fuck that. I know you did it but I don't give a shit. I was more wondering who you'd like to pin the whole thing on.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh. Well if you don't mind flat-out openly collaborating with my crime squad, I have someone in mind...

JAMES CORDEN

Done! Now grab your coffee and I'll hail us a cab. No wait, wrong shtick.

INT. SANDRA'S HIDEOUT

SANDRA brings the new development to the gang, when suddenly!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Hey it's me, the shocking surprise eighth member of the gang!! Well, as of now anyway. I've figured your scheme out and want to help.

MINDY KALING

But why?!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Because I'm third billed in this damn movie and I've barely done anything. I've ALSO had like zero lines in this whole goddamn abridged script up till now, except for that fucking OUTHATHAWAY pun, which, UGHHHHHHH

(pukes more)

INT. RALPH ARMITAGE'S PAD

ANNE hooks up with RALPH so she can TIE HIM UP, find the fragment of NECKLACE in his coat which he never once noticed had a FUCKING CHUNK OF DIAMOND NECKLACE in it, and send a photo of it to JAMES.

JAMES CORDEN

Awesome! This will EASILY outweigh the fact that Richard was on camera all night not stealing anything! I love being so horribly corrupt at my job.

JAMES arrests RICHARD and finally SANDRA'S CREW triumphs over the sinister nigh-insurmountable opposition of WELL NOBODY REALLY PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT NOW DID THEY!!

INT. SANDRA'S HIDEOUT

The GANG meet for debriefing and the obligatory FINAL TWIST.

SANDRA BULLOCK

So guess what, in addition to the Cartier necklace, we ALSO stole a metric fuckton of diamonds and shit from the other, larger museum display, with the help of Shaobo Qin from Clooney's crew!

MINDY KALING

So it WAS Ocean's 8 all along, after all! Until Anne joined and it was Ocean's 9.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Well it seems we're not giving Shaobo a cut, despite him doing the single most dangerous job, so we're back to being Ocean's 8 again.

AWKWAFINA

And you didn't share this part of the plan earlier because...

CATE BLANCHETT

(drapes herself over chaise-lounge)

AWKWAFINA

Oh right.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Anyway with this additional, much larger haul of gems, everyone NOW gets over 33 million dollars! Isn't that awesome?!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Yes, this won't seem at all suspicious to the IRS currently auditing me. Nope. Thanks guys.

RIHANNA

Finally, I have enough money to buy a tiny run-down pool hall. Hurray!!

ANNE HATHAWAY

And I can finally ditch Hollywood for a career in Hollywood!

Everyone goes off merrily to spend the tens of millions of dollars they can in no way account for.

INT. CREMATORIUM

SANDRA goes to GEORGE CLOONEY'S ashbox and pours a martini.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Here's to you George. I think you'd be proud of this heist.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(appearing)

Sure, except for where there's video footage of Cate, your known associate, setting up stuff to block the cameras in the room with the other gems. The gems you replaced with fakes which have surely been spotted by now, since we established it takes about three nanoseconds for a jeweler to spot your zirconium copies?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh yeah. I thought since I followed all the tropes we wouldn't get caught, how did you manage it?

GEORGE CLOONEY

(sips martini)

Huh? I got caught every time. This is why I always stole from other crooks who wouldn't call the authorities. Didn't you notice?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Dammit, I knew I forgot something.

(arrested)

END