FADE IN:

PREVIOUSLY ON...THE HOBBIT!

EXT. LAKE TOWN

BENEDICT DRAGONBATCH is BURNINATING the COUNTRYSIDE! This is thrilling and horrifying! But enough about that, let's focus on the wacky antics of SCROOGE MCDUCK STEPHEN FRY as he attempts to spirit his GOLD away!

STEPHEN FRY

Oh dear me, no! My precious mansion! My wonderful gold! Help me, Igor Ryan!

RYAN GAGE

Yes, master.

STEPHEN FRY

This really couldn't have gone any worse! Oh why did I let those dwarves go up into the mountains to disturb the nuclear reactor with wings?

RYAN GAGE

Yeah, that was really, really stupid. Inexcusable, really. I mean, they're fucking dwarves, not Skyrim protagonists. What were they gonna do, cover the dragon in molten gold?

STEPHEN FRY

Heh, yeah. Or shoot it with heat jets from a massive forge? I mean, it's a dragon, it's immune to heat.

RYAN GAGE

Yeah, I mean, it's not like you can escape from a damn dragon. Especially not by rafting down a river of superheated liquid metal by riding on a shield.

STEPHEN FRY

Yeah. What a ridiculous prospect. But really, this is Luke Evans' fault!

RYAN GAGE

Yeah. Luckily he's safely locked away, in a balsa wood prison chamber with bars crafted from the strongest paper maché in all the land.

STEPHEN FRY

Yes. I can't think of one reason we'd want to release the finest archer in human history just as an airborne Godzilla is murdering us.

RYAN GAGE

Not one single reason. Because it's really his fault this is all happening. And the dwarves.

STEPHEN FRY

Stupid dwarves.

Pause.

STEPHEN FRY

Anyway...

(pushes Ryan off the escape boat)

RYAN GAGE

But I sucked up to yooooouuuuuuu.....!

Meanwhile, instead of DESTROYING the entire WOODEN TOWN by SNEEZING extra hard, DRAGONBATCH decides to do a little more MONOLOGUING!

DRAGONBATCH

Mwahahaha, soon I shall destroy this entire town, purely for the crime of it being in my direct line of sight when some dwarves disturbed my siesta. You hear that, people?! Your poor choice in real estate shall be your undoing!!

LUKE EVANS

Not if my bow of +5 Dragon-Slaying has anything to say about it!

LUKE begins firing TOOTHPICKS at DRAGONBATCH.

DRAGONBATCH

Ow, oh dear, I am slain!

LUKE EVANS

Really?

DRAGONBATCH

No, you moron. Trying to kill me with arrows is like trying to kill an elephant by throwing pencils at it. Now, I could destroy you right now by exhaling slightly, but I'd rather keep making all the ladies in the audience slide out of their chairs with my smexy British vocal cords. Seriously, this is phone sex for the Tumblr crowd. Every time I say "fire" a Sherlock fan loses her virginity.

Suddenly, LUKE'S SON appears.

LUKE'S SON

Hey dad. I brought you that black arrow you so subtly alluded to in the last movie by talking about it for ten minutes.

LUKE EVANS

Sweet. Now stand here. I need to use you as a human tripod. I am such a good father.

LUKE rests the arrow on son's shoulder, pulls back, and LAUNCHES IT into DRAGONBATCH's WEAK SPOT for MASSIVE DAMAGE.

DRAGONBATCH

Ouch, oh goodness, you really got me that time, I'm totally going to die.

LUKE EVANS

Really?

DRAGONBATCH

Actually, yes.

(dies)

(squishes Stephen Fry)

LUKE EVANS

Finally, I have regained the honor of my family! For you see, as we alluded to in the last movie, it was my ancestor, Girion, Lord and chief defender of Dale, who knocked the scale loose when Smaug the Impenetrable laid waste to Erebor and its environs, and it was with his final arrow, left unlaunched in his windlance, that I have finally brought justice to the terror that was the last great Fire Drake of the Third Age, which, if you'll turn to page sixty-four of your Tolkien Appendices, you'll learn was an era fraught with many such-

(no one cares)

THIS WEEK ON....THE HOBBIT

INT. DWARF FORTRESS

The DWARVES are trying to find the ARKENSTONE hidden somewhere in MILES and MILES of TREASURE.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Keep looking, you bastards! Without that one especially shiny, glowy paperweight all of these hundreds of billions of dollars’ worth of treasure might as well be donkey shit!

KEN STOTT

Look, Richard, I love you dearly. But my skillset does not include needle-finding, especially in a haystack this big. How about we just glue this handful of diamonds into a ball and call that the new Arkenstone?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

No. I'm certain somewhere in the vastness of this underground Manhattan the Arkenstone is resting safely. Did you check all the nooks?

KEN STOTT

Yes.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

How about all the crannies?

KEN STOTT

Every single one.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

How about the place where the socks disappear to in the tumble dryer?

KEN STOTT

Already looked.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Or under the front seat in the Buick?

KEN STOTT

Nothing.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Maybe it’s in someone’s purse under some spare tampons? Or in some pocket in your backpack you never open? Or maybe it’s hidden somewhere in the Terms & Conditions? Did you check all those places?

KEN STOTT

We did. Perhaps it’s in the place where we left the script for this movie. Or somewhere in the not-crazy part of Peter Jackson’s brain. We haven’t been anywhere near those places yet.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Brilliant! Get on that now!

KEN STOTT

(sighs)

But the ARKENSTONE is in fact being held by MARTIN FREEMAN.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Man, I should really get rid of this thing. Toss it down a mine shaft, bury it, smash it to dust, literally anything except play with it out in the open where anyone could-

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Hey Martin.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Eep!

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Whatcha doing? I saw you muttering to yourself all alone in this corner over here.

MARTIN FREEMAN

(hesitates, frowns)

I was, uh, you know, just uh, masturbating. Yep. Polishing my broadsword. Choking the dragon. Furiously strangling my little bald orc. All that good stuff.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Ha! You kill me, you little cutup! Seriously, Martin, I love you. You’re my main campadre. Not like these freeloading dwarf bastards who I’ve fought alongside my entire life.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Ha, yeah, you’re great too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just gonna go finish-

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Martin, you have to help me. I think one of these guys has taken the Arkenstone for themselves. I could never forgive the man who kept that stone from me. I would impale him on a maypole and dance around him holding his intestines like streamers if he betrayed me like that.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Yeah, that really would be awful. Now if you’ll excuse me…

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Love you bro!

(is crazy)

MARTIN speaks to KEN about RICHARD.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Ken, do you think Richard is acting a little, uh, Gollum-esque?

KEN STOTT

It must be the dragon sickness. It affects many who begin to alienate their friends upon gaining sudden wealth.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Don’t you mean greed? I think that’s just called greed.

KEN STOTT

Nope. Dragon sickness. This is a Peter Jackson movie, there’s no subtextual theme we can’t make completely opaque with pseudo-magical bullshit.

Suddenly, LUKE appears at the gates of EREBOR. RICHARD confronts him through a hole in the gate.

LUKE EVANS

I come seeking an audience with King Richard.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

No one gets to see the king, no way no how!

LUKE EVANS

Listen Rich, me and all the hundreds of refugees from Lake Town were wondering if you were planning on making good on that promise for a few pennies out of that vast underground ocean of gold you now possess. We would really appreciate it, especially considering how there’s hundreds of us and fourteen of you.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Fuck off.

A huge army of ELVES appear out of THIN AIR.

LUKE EVANS

Okay, now there’s THOUSANDS of us. Unless you’re planning on pulling a dwarf army out of your asses you should really consider making good on your promise.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

You might be surprised what our asses contain. Get buggered.

MEANWHILE:

INT. ORC FORTRESS

IAN MCKELLEN is being rescued by CATE BLANCHETT.

CATE BLANCHETT

Come Ian, let me transform you into a cardboard dummy and carry you out of here.

But suddenly SPOOKY GHOSTS appear and CATE gets all fainty!

CATE BLANCHETT

Oh lawsy me, my humors are acting up and my corset is ever so tight! How could I have expected evil spirits to exist in this fortress of evil spirits!

HUGO WEAVING

Never fear my lady. The Cameo Squad is here to save the day!

CHRISTOPHER LEE

Who you gonna call!

Both men TRANSFORM into STUNTMEN and begin FIGHTING the SPOOKY GHOSTS. CATE finishes them off by TURNING BLUE and GETTING REALLY, REALLY ANGRY like she did in FELLOWSHIP.

HUGO WEAVING

Wow, how progressive. A woman actually accomplished something in a Tolkien story.

IAN MCKELLEN

Eh, considering how her special power is mood swings, I think there’s still some work to be done. Now, I’m off to go be useless somewhere else. Christopher, promise you won’t turn evil in the next fifty years.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

I promise.

(turns evil)

EXT. RUINS OF DALE

LUKE, having become the de facto leader of the HUMANS, deals with various issues in the town.

LEE PACE

Me and my elf army here want a share of that sweet, sweet dwarf gold.

LUKE EVANS

Why? You didn’t get promised anything.

LEE PACE

Because fuck you, that’s why.

LUKE EVANS

Well, I’m sure there’s more than enough gold for all.

RYAN GAGE

A brilliant decision, oh lord of Lake Town!

LUKE EVANS

The fuck? Why are you still in this movie?

RYAN GAGE

For wacky comic relief! We can’t let this movie get too serious, after all.

LUKE EVANS

Yes, because a movie with “battle” and “armies” in the title should totally pander to children. But seriously, you’re the Jar Jar Binks of these prequels. Please go die somewhere.

RYAN GAGE

Nope. I’m gonna be hanging on behind you in pretty much every scene from now on. Get used to my unibrow now, it gets more screen time than the goddam dragon.

ORLANDO BLOOM

I am also here. I come bearing a Mary Sue.

EVANGELINE LILLY

Sup. Also, holy shit, I totally thought you two were the same person.

LUKE EVANS

Pfft, that’s ridiculous.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Yeah, how silly.

LUKE EVANS

I’m a grim, stoney-faced, douchily handsome superhuman archer with flowing hair.

ORLANDO BLOOM

And I’m a grim, stoney-faced, douchily handsome superhuman archer with flowing BLOND hair.

EVANGELINE LILLY

Okay, but let’s be very careful not to put you two in the same scene ever again. I’m pretty sure people will just think Peter Jackson copy-pasted one of you to save time.

CGI DWARF BILLY CONNOLLY

Speaking of copy-paste jobs, I’m here! In case you’re wondering why I’m a creepy CGI muppet, it’s because I have Parkinson’s and couldn’t complete my role. So rather than just recasting the role with Craig Ferguson or whoever, they summoned this cartoon body straight out of the Uncanny Valley and tried to never show my face. It’s distracting as shit. Also

(pulls dwarf army out of ass)

We want some gold.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

The armies of HUMANS, DWARVES, and ELVES stare each other down. RICHARD and MARTIN watch from their GATE.

MARTIN FREEMAN

So, Richard, oh best buddy of mine, maybe, just maybe we should consider NOT having this little valley erupt into a bloody race war right before our eyes? Maybe?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Eh, fuck ‘em. I would watch a million CGI cartoons die painful deaths before I’ll let them take my Arkenstone away.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Yeah, speaking of the Arkenstone, I snuck out last night and gave it to Luke. No hard feelings, right?

RICHARD ARMITAGE

(nose bleeds)

(eyes widen)

(head twitches violently)

None whatsoever. Let me just grab this sword over here, for totally non-Hobbit stabbing reasons.

But MARTIN escapes and goes to see IAN at the human camp!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Well this was a fucking trainwreck. Dragon genocide, war, us almost getting eaten like fifty times, you getting captured for half a movie. You really suck at sending people on quests, Ian.

IAN MCKELLEN

The next time I organize a fellowship I’ll have a much better plan, I promise. We’ll fly on the eagles or something.

MARTIN FREEMAN

So what now? Is it time for an epic three-way smackdown between the most powerful races in Middle-Earth?

IAN MCKELLEN

It looks like it. Unless some orcs show up at this very moment out of fucking nowhe-

Suddenly the SANDWORMS from DUNE burst out of the ground and thousands of ORCS start pouring out of the holes!

IAN MCKELLEN

Thank goodness! For a second there I was worried things might get morally ambiguous. Now we just have to pray the humans, elves and dwarves can set aside their longstanding resentment to find it in themselves to work together against a common-

The elves, dwarves and humans are instantly BEST FRIENDS.

IAN MCKELLEN

Wow. This is going really, extraordinarily well. All we need now are some magic problem-solving eagles and we’ll really have nothing to worry-

The EAGLES show up and start helping the GOOD GUYS!

IAN MCKELLEN

Huh. This is really more of a battle of the two armies, isn’t it? And what the hell do the eagles hope to get out of this? Squirrel carcasses? Oh well, that CGI department isn’t going to wank itself off.

IAN transforms into a SCREENSAVER and begins FIGHTING.

INT. DWARF FORTRESS

RICHARD has a weird, trippy gold-induced HALLUCINATION.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Here I am, standing on an ice-skating rink made of pure gold, and somehow I feel strangely empty. It’s almost as if the reckless pursuit of money at all costs can lead to cheap, trite, hollow experiences. Experiences that rely too heavily on gaudy distractions rather than heartfelt human interactions, with tons of tone deaf comic relief so the parents can bring the kids-

PETER JACKSON

Cut that shit or I’m replacing you with a 50 million dollar CGI mannequin.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

I mean, GAH, the dragon sickness has consumed me! I must redeem myself in battle! Because adding a handful of extra dwarves to the battle will certainly turn the tide in our favor!

RICHARD rides forth into the fray! AIDEN TURNER and DEAN O’GORMAN follow behind! They fight their way up to the TOWER where CGI MANU BENNETT the ORC is coordinating his army.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Okay, here’s the plan. Aiden and Dean, you two go sneak around inside this tower and be useless until you die. I’m going to run straight up to Manu and challenge him to a duel, hoping he won’t just order his horde of minions to disembowel me. Got it? Break!

They go and FIGHT! But AIDEN is surprised by the orc lieutenant CGI JOHN TUI, prompting EVANGELINE to leap out of FUCKING NOWHERE to save him!

EVANGELINE LILLY

As this movie's Smurfette, I demand you drop that love interest of mine!

CGI JOHN TUI

Sure thing.

(drops Aiden)

(stabs Aiden)

EVANGELINE LILLY

You asshole.

(gets ass kicked)

Sensing EVANGELINE needs his help, ORLANDO springs into ACTION by JUMPING off a SKYSCRAPER, stabbing SHREK, using SHREK to knock down said SKYSCRAPER forming a BRIDGE, then running along the BRIDGE while it crumbles below him like JENGA blocks. He FLOATS the last few feet. SERIOUSLY.

CGI JOHN TUI

Fucking hackers.

(gets killed like twelve different ways)

Meanwhile RICHARD is fighting MANU on the ICE RIVER from BATMAN BEGINS.

CGI MANU BENNETT

So finally, it has come down to this. Two mortal foes, facing off once more in an epic battle to the-

RICHARD ARMITAGE

(steps off the ice floe)

CGI MANU BENNETT

(sliding awkwardly under the water)

You asshole.

MANU floats helplessly under several inches of solid ICE.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Finally, I have defeated my arch nemesis. There’s no way he could survive down there for long. But just be sure…

RICHARD walks RIGHT UP to MANU’S BODY and PEERS down at him through the ICE.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Yep, he’s dead. Definitely, totally, one hundred percent completely and utterly-

CGI MANU BENNETT

ICE TO MEET YOU!!

MANU bursts back out of the ICE, stabs RICHARD, then GETS STABBED and DIES.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

I must say, I look damn good for a man who just got a sword the size of an ironing board jammed through my solar plexus. I wonder if anyone’s around to hear my dying words.

MARTIN FREEMAN

(materializes)

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Ah, perfect. Martin, I’m sorry I was a psychotic fuck to you. I just really, really wanted the Arkenstone and now it’s cost me my life as well as the life of Aiden Turner.

MARTIN FREEMAN

I’m pretty sure Dean O’Gorman’s dead too.

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Who?

MARTIN FREEMAN

(shrugs)

RICHARD ARMITAGE

Anyway, please remember me as a hero, and not as an incompetent fuck who unleashed a dragon on an innocent village so I could get a shiny rock.

(dies)

EXT. DWARF FORTRESS

MARTIN bids farewell to the surviving DWARVES.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Well guys, it’s been a blast. Enjoy your massive horde of wealth. I’ll never forget the time you barged into my house, ate all my food, and guilted me into going on a dangerous journey I barely survive. See you never!

END.

EXT. THE SHIRE

IAN and MARTIN bid farewell to each other.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Ian, before you go, I just want you to know, I found this magic ring in the goblin tunnels. Do you think I should-

IAN MCKELLEN

Keep it.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Really?

IAN MCKELLEN

Sure. Magic rings are as special as Skittles in this universe. I mean, what are the odds your ring could turn out to contain an unfathomable evil that threatens all life on the planet?

MARTIN FREEMAN

Yeah, how silly. I guess I’ll just use it to fuck with relatives. Anyway, bye.

END.

EXT. SHIRE

MARTIN returns home to find his PROPERTY is being AUCTIONED OFF.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck, guys?

HOBBIT RELATIVE

Well, you know, we thought you were dead.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Wow. How completely and utterly respectful of you all to put the personal effects of a dead loved one on Hobbit Craigslist. Swear to god, I’m going to get you all back for this if I have to wait until I’m 111 years old.

END.

INT. BAG END

MARTIN does a bit of TIDYING UP.

PETER JACKSON

(checking watch)

Aaaaannnnd, done! 144 minutes, perfect epic length.

MGM STUDIOS

Actually, Peter, we were wondering if you could pad it out a little more. Maybe throw something in there with Tom Bombadil? Or how about some more of the fat dwarf? That’s gotta be in the appendices somewhere.

PETER JACKSON

No and no. I’m done. Done done done. Get Guillermo Del Toro to direct it. The next time someone says “hobbit” to me I’m going to feed them to King Kong. Now if you’ll excuse me…

PETER ice skates away on his huge LAKE of GOLD.

END.