FADE IN:

EXT. SNOWY FOREST - FINLAND

SAOIRSE RONAN is being trained by her FATHER, ERIC BANA.

ERIC BANA

Let me show you how much I love you by incessantly kicking the shit out of you until you learn to always be on your guard.

SAOIRSE RONAN

But daddy.

ERIC BANA

TOUGH!

(beating)

MOTHERFUCKING!

(beating)

LOVE!

They return to their COZY FOREST SHACK.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Tell me a bedtime story, daddy.

ERIC BANA

Okay. Once upon a time there was a little girl who went to sleep and dropped her guard. She was shot by her father. The end.

SAOIRSE tackles ERIC and takes his GUN.

ERIC BANA

Good job! You are ready, Saoirse. Here is a transponder. If you push this button, the actual movie will start. But be warned, there is no coming back from this.

SAOIRSE RONAN

What is this, The Box?

ERIC BANA

No, pushing the button will send Cate Blanchett after us.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Oh, that's worse.

SAOIRSE activates the TRANSPONDER.

ERIC BANA

Okay, let's get to it. You go out and thinly disguise a coming-of-age story as an action thriller, and I'll go do only the action thriller part.

ERIC leaves SAOIRSE all on her own in the SHACK to further his bid for the FATHER OF THE YEAR AWARD. A SPECIAL OPS TEAM then arrives and kidnaps SAOIRSE after losing THREE MEN to her TINY, TINY FISTS.

INT. CIA FACILITY OR BIOLAB I GUESS WHATEVER - MOROCCO

CATE BLANCHETT meets with CIA AGENT JOHN MACMILLAN.

CATE BLANCHETT

I was called here on account of some button being pushed.

JOHN MACMILLAN

Yes, we have the girl under lockdown and holy shit, is that supposed to be your Southern accent?

CATE BLANCHETT

You think that's bad, just listen to my double. I'm sending her into Saoirse's cell now.

CATE'S DOUBLE goes to speak with SAOIRSE.

CATE'S DOUBLE

Well gull dern it, ain't you a purdy li'l laydey! Sure got a funny name there too!

SAOIRSE RONAN

Who are you?

CATE'S DOUBLE

Why, I'm Cate Blanchett, dadgummit!

SAOIRSE RONAN

No you're not, I've seen the last Indiana Jones and believe me, that shit sticks.

SAOIRSE kills CATE'S DOUBLE and ESCAPES. Immediately, a RAVE starts apparently.

CATE BLANCHETT

After her!

JOHN MACMILLAN

What did you say? I can't hear anything over this blaring high-octane background music.

CATE BLANCHETT

I thought all the fast cutting and flashing strobe lights would communicate "action sequence" enough, but no.

While THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS pawn off some more of their UNUSED RIFFS, SAOIRSE escapes the FACILITY and finds her way to a MOROCCAN HOTEL.

INT. HOTEL - MOROCCO

SAOIRSE speaks with the OWNER, MOHAMED MAJD.

MOHAMED MAJD

Are you travelling all by yourself, little girl?

SAOIRSE RONAN

Hang on, I've been neglecting my German accent for the past couple of scenes, so let me just overcompensate for that by laying it on really thick now.

(ßeät)

Ja, I kann haf ze room?

MOHAMED turns on a FLUORESCENT LIGHT and fires up a TEA KETTLE.

SAOIRSE RONAN

HOLY HELL WHAT ARE THESE THINGS GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!

MOHAMED MAJD

Seriously? You're losing your shit over a coffee machine? I can defeat you by throwing my iPhone at you.

SAOIRSE RONAN

I know, right? My dad turned me into the world's deadliest assassin, but forgot to teach me about tea kettles.

At the HOTEL, SAOIRSE meets JASON FLEMYNG and OLIVIA WILLIAMS, who are on VACATION with their DAUGHTER, JESSICA BARDEN.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

My husband and I are hippies. Allow me to demonstrate this by openly talking about vaginas.

JASON FLEMYNG

Yes, we'll be driving this stereotype right into the realm of parody. But I challenge anyone to tell the difference between hippies and a parody of hippies.

JESSICA BARDEN

Good thing I grew up to be incredibly snobbish and materialistic somehow, or there wouldn't be anything to compensate for all this vagina talk.

SAOIRSE forms a FRIENDSHIP with JESSICA and TRAVELS ALONG with the FAMILY to BERLIN. Meanwhile, ERIC BANA goes for a SWIM and then kills some DUDES in a LONG TAKE because WHY NOT.

INT. WEIRD-ASS PERFORMANCE CLUB - BERLIN

CATE approaches TOM HOLLANDER.

CATE BLANCHETT

Before you say anything, note that every character in this movie needs at least one eccentric trait. For instance, I bring across my intensity by bleeding my gums when I brush my teeth.

TOM HOLLANDER

Well, I'm a campy but straight hitman.

CATE BLANCHETT

How deliciously eccentric.

TOM HOLLANDER

I also exhibit borderline pedophilic tendencies.

CATE BLANCHETT

Well, that's kind of --

TOM HOLLANDER

And I use a bunch of skinheads as henchmen.

CATE BLANCHETT

One was enough, dude. Now, I want you to go after Saoirse Ronan.

TOM HOLLANDER

And kill her?

CATE BLANCHETT

No, I need you to always be one step behind her but never actually close the gap until the movie is about to end.

TOM HOLLANDER

Can do!

INT. HOTEL - BERLIN

JESSICA is being all SENSITIVE with SAOIRSE.

JESSICA BARDEN

Saoirse, will you be like my BFF or whatever?

SAOIRSE RONAN

What does that entail?

JESSICA BARDEN

We basically lie close to each other under a sheet and talk about our feelings while the camera gets uncomfortably close.

SAOIRSE RONAN

When did this turn into an episode of 7th Heaven?

JESSICA BARDEN

Hey, this is an American-European film, you know? That means we have both over-the-top action and weird sentimentality, with each part excusing the other.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Can we please swing back to the action part now?

JESSICA BARDEN

Sure, but note that your association with me and my family will also lead to our implied deaths at the hands of Tom Hollander.

SAOIRSE RONAN

That is a cross I will have to bear.

TOM and his gang of SKINHEADS arrive. SAOIRSE flees into a CONTAINER PARK.

TOM HOLLANDER

I'm actually very interested in seeing how a 90-pound girl will fight dudes twice her size. After her, my minions!

SAOIRSE RONAN

Didn't you see me casually flip that soldier over my head earlier? You'd think I'd have to employ special takedown techniques, but generic Bourne bashing seems to suffice. SAOIRSE SMASH!

TOM HOLLANDER

Saoirsely?

SAOIRSE fights off the SKINHEADS and escapes TOM, who then IMPLIES the DEATH of JESSICA and her FAMILY. Meanwhile, ERIC tries to kill CATE but FAILS because he can't seem to KICK DOWN A DOOR.

INT. INTERNET CAFE - BERLIN

SAOIRSE enters an INTERNET CAFE.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Since there's nobody left to deliver any exposition, I'll just turn to the screenwriting quick-fix that is Google.

Despite being AFRAID of everything TECHNOLOGICAL, SAOIRSE learns to use a COMPUTER in FIVE FUCKING SECONDS.

SAOIRSE RONAN

I actually need to look up DNA on this thing? My dad taught me about whale testicles from an encyclopedia but neglected to touch on the building blocks of life.

SAOIRSE learns that she was GENETICALLY ENGINEERED to be a SUPER SOLDIER. She also finds her GRANDMOTHER'S ADDRESS.

INT. APARTMENT - BERLIN

SAOIRSE sneaks into her GRANDMOTHER'S APARTMENT and finds ERIC BANA.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Tell me the incredibly obvious truth!

ERIC BANA

Saoirse, I am not your father!

SAOIRSE RONAN

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

ERIC BANA

Search your genetically recombined DNA, you know it to be true! But I did save you from a CIA program that would've turned you into a relentless super soldier!

SAOIRSE RONAN

Yes, and then you trained me to become a relentless super soldier anyway, except I'm not serving my country, I'm serving your obsessive revenge scheme against Cate Blanchett! You've still ruined every chance I ever had for a normal life!

ERIC BANA

Come on, I did fatherly things! Remember how I was hesitant to teach you about whale testicles, thereby mimicking the reluctant parent who doesn't want to see their child as a sexual creature?

SAOIRSE RONAN

Some boy tried to kiss me and all I could think to do was tackle him and kick him in the nads!

ERIC BANA

I may have overdone it a tiny bit.

TOM HOLLANDER arrives.

ERIC BANA

Run, Saoirse! I'll hold him off in a fight that'll be shown in slow motion, because it's one of the few remaining editing techniques that hasn't been used for the sake of using it!

SAOIRSE RUNS while ERIC fights TOM.

TOM HOLLANDER

Despite my layers of eccentric traits, this movie has been constantly hinting at my ruthless efficiency as a hitman. So this should be an epic fight!

It then takes all of THREE SECONDS for ERIC to completely annihilate TOM. And that's in SLOW MOTION, REMEMBER?

ERIC BANA

I was hoping this wouldn't be so goddamn anticlimactic.

CATE shows up and SHOOTS ERIC. OFF-FUCKING-SCREEN.

ERIC BANA

You're just making it worse now.

(dies)

EXT. ABANDONED THEME PARK - BERLIN

CATE chases SAOIRSE into a RUNDOWN THEME PARK. She emerges from a WOLF'S MOUTH, in case nobody was getting any of the BLATANTLY OBVIOUS FAIRY TALE REFERENCES.

CATE BLANCHETT

Do we still have an editing technique for this scene? Or have we used them all? How about some extreme close-ups?

SAOIRSE hits CATE with an IMPROVISED ARROW. CATE still manages to SHOOT SAOIRSE, who acts like it's her FIRST ORGASM.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Agh! Mustn't -- make -- bullet -- penetration -- analogy!

CATE tries to RUN, but SLIPS on her HIGH HEELS and FALLS.

CATE BLANCHETT

Is that why we had that lingering shot of my heels earlier? Lamest foreshadowing ever.

SAIORSE RONAN

Tell me something. Why did director Joe Wright look at me while he was shooting Atonement and think "that's action hero material right there"?

CATE BLANCHETT

Don't you see? This movie tries to weird itself out on purpose with unconventional casting and overly stylised visual techniques so it's almost impossible to form an opinion. You're trying to convince yourself you don't like it, but it's not working.

SAOIRSE picks up CATE'S PISTOL and KILLS HER.

SAOIRSE RONAN

And everyone I've ever known died happily ever after. Yay me.

END