FADE IN:

EXT. SHAOLIN TEMPLE

ROBIN SHOU

Well, that's over with! What a relief! Wait a minute, who are you people?

JAMES REMAR

I'm Rayden.

SANDRA HESS

No you're not.

ROBIN SHOU

Who...?

SANDRA HESS

Sonya. New cast. Never mind.

ROBIN SHOU

Odd. The last movie made over $100 million. Why would most of the cast bail on the sequel?

Suddenly this question is answered.

BRIAN THOMPSON

Muwahahaha!! Through a loophole in the tournament rules, I'm taking over your world! Now, meet my menacing underlings!

MUSETTA VANDER

Sindel!

DERON MCBEE

Motaro!

MARJEAN HOLDEN

Sheeva!

Most of the AUDIENCE, thinking they've accidentally walked into a POWER RANGERS movie, leaves.

TALISA SOTO

Hurry. You must go find NightWolf.

ROBIN SHOU

Talisa? You're in this piece of shit too?

TALISA SOTO

Here, follow me on these American Gladiator ball things that were obviously not created with toys in mind.

He does. After a while, SCORPION and SUB-ZERO show up. Again. They FIGHT. Although CHEESY beyond the expected limits of human comprehension, it looks COOL.

Meanwhile...

INT. SHAO KAHN'S THRONE ROOM

BRIAN THOMPSON

Sindel, Motaro, Sheeva, Rain, Ermac...I've called you all here for a reason. Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

PETER RAUCH

Alright, I admit, this line wasn't in the movie. But there's a line coming up that really WAS in the movie, and it's actually stupider than this one.

BRIAN THOMPSON

Kill the earth warriors.

EXT. SOME DESERT

ROBIN SHOU

Wow. It's, like...a desert.

LITEFOOT, an American Indian actor whose name people are going to think I'm making up, appears and says a whole bunch of shit too stupid even to parody.

MORTAL KOMBAT FANS IN AUDIENCE

This is obscene.

Suddenly, it's snowing! And IRINA PANTAEVA shows up! In a bikini!

MORTAL KOMBAT FANS IN AUDIENCE

Well, I guess I could stay for a few more minutes.

A whole bunch of shit happens. Over the next ten minutes, 29 characters from the game SHOW UP for no apparent reason, then DIE. Meanwhile, RAY PARK does all sorts of cool shit, but no one notices because he's not DARTH MAUL yet.

JAMES REMAR

There's something I need to tell you.

ROBIN SHOU

Can we go back to the stunt Rayden? I like him much better. At least he can fight.

JAMES REMAR

Shao Kahn is my brother.

The rest of the conversation is drowned out as the few remaining Mortal Kombat fans riot and burn the theater to the ground.

END