FADE IN:

INT. SOME PRETENTIOUS INDIE-FILM GEEK'S REC ROOM

FRIEND OF PRETENTIOUS INDIE- FILM GEEK

So what's this movie about again?

PRETENTIOUS INDIE-FILM GEEK

Some guy in a convenience store. Who gives a shit? They made it for $28,000, it MUST be good!

They pop it in.

INT. THE HOME OF SOME CHARACTER WHO IS *NOT* OBVIOUSLY BASED ON THE WRITER/DIRECTOR

BRIAN O'HALLORAN answers the phone.

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

Brian, can you play the lead here?

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

I can't, I'm playing hockey at 2. Why can't you ask Ben?

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

I don't meet him until we're filming Mallrats, remember?

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

A SONG by Love Among Freaks plays. Despite the fact that it is called 'Clerks,' and is played over the opening credits of the movie 'Clerks,' it is NOT the theme from 'Clerks.'

SOUNDTRACK

Ha ha! I added $200,000 to this movie's budget!

The PRETENTIOUS INDIE-FILM GEEKS turn it off and go watch THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT for the twenty-third time.

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

BRIAN is having a bad day.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

This is exacerbated by the fact that he isn't even supposed to be here today.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Repeat this scene thirty-seven times.

INT. RST VIDEO

JEFF ANDERSON fucks with customers. Repeat this scene after every mention of Brian's not supposed to have been there today.

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

RICK DERRIS, who will be mentioned three times per minute in the later movies, enters along with the actress WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH is currently FUCKING.

RICK DERRIS

Remember that chick you used to go out with? I used to fuck her.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

EXT. OUTSIDE, LIKE MOST SHOTS BEGINNING WITH EXT.

JAY

We're gonna get laid tonight, Silent Bob! Gonna make some money, gonna get some pussy...I'll fuck this bitch, fuck that bitch, fuck anything that moves!

SILENT BOB

Shut up.

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

JEFF walks in and has a conversation with BRIAN about the CONSTRUCTION INDUSTRY and STAR WARS. This is the single greatest moment in film history.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

JEFF leaves. MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI walks in.

PEOPLE READING THIS ABRIDGED SCRIPT

Who the fuck are these people!?

MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI

Hi, Brian. I heard you had to work today so I brought you some food, put your scholastic record out on the net and found a half-dozen employers who'll give you a better job, found some colleges who'll take you on a full scholarship, got you a better deal on your car insurance, and generally made your life much less miserable than before I walked in here.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

That's nice. I wonder what my old girlfriend is doing...

MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI

She's getting married.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

The obligatory old girlfriend, played by LISA SPOONAUER, enters.

LISA SPOONAUER

Hi.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

LISA SPOONAUER

I'm not getting married. Let's go out.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

LISA SPOONAUER

What?

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Never mind. Force of habit. I gotta go home and change.

EVERYONE leaves. Later, LISA goes into the back and fucks a DEAD GUY who, by bizarre coincidence, is in the bathroom with no lights on and a post-mortem erection. EVERYONE comes back, and she's escorted to the local mental hospital where she'll remain at least until the 'Clerks: Holiday Special' comic some years later.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Hmm. I just realized that my obsession with Lisa is merely symbolic of a basic inability to get myself out of a bad situation and move on with my life. I love Marilyn. Thank god I realized this before anything happened to irrevocably alter my relationship with her!

INT. RST VIDEO

JEFF ANDERSON

Brian doesn't love you. He loves Lisa.

MARILYN GHIGLIOTTI

Fuck!

INT. QUIK-STOP CONVENIENCE

MARILYN beats the SHIT out of BRIAN, and leaves. JEFF enters. BRIAN and JEFF proceed to kick each others' ASSES and generally destroy the STORE.

After a few minutes of this, JEFF gives a speech far more intelligent and profound than anything else his character has said or done in the movie. This makes sense, since he is clearly NOT acting as a counterpoint to BRIAN's experience, and since BRIAN is clearly NOT based on the writer/director. The actual theme from 'Clerks,' by the better-known Soul Asylum, is played.

BRIAN O'HALLORAN

Fuck!

END