FADE IN:

Another comicky CREDITS SEQUENCE, this time featuring art by Mike Allred and roughly 12,000 in-jokes relating to Clerks and Mallrats.

INT. COMIC CONVENTION

ETHAN SUPLEE, in a startlingly accurate portrayal of most superhero comic fans, makes a complete idiot of himself.

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

What the hell was that?

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Get to the lesbians already!

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

(smoking)

Hold on, I'll fucking get to it.

In a smaller room, DWIGHT EWELL delivers a racially charged monologue that is far more risque than anything else in the movie, or the trilogy, for that matter, yet offends NO ONE. BEN disputes him on one point, leading to an extended debate about racism in Star Wars. This is the second-greatest moment in film history.

DWIGHT EWELL

(smoking)

Black rage!

He shoots JASON.

JASON LEE

(smoking)

...

Everyone leaves except BEN, JASON, DWIGHT and the CHICK WHOSE FACE WAS PLASTERED IN CLOSE-UP ON EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF PUBLICITY RELATED TO THIS MOVIE. But we'll call her JOEY.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Hey, isn't that the chick who fucked Bud on Married with Children? She's hot now. What an interesting development.

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

GOD her voice is annoying.

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

(smoking)

Hi.

BEN immediately falls deeply in love with her. JASON develops a deep-seated hatred that will outlast his lifetime.

INT. SOME BAR SOMEWHERE

DWIGHT and JASON, while smoking, have a heated argument about homoerotic subtexts in Archie comics. This is the third-greatest moment in film history.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Dude...lesbians. We paid seven bucks. Throw us a bone here.

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

(smoking)

Oh, fine.

INT. MEOW MIX

BEN and JASON have been invited, sort of, to what the aforementioned audience members are hoping will be some sort of lesbian orgy. JOEY gets up and sings something that would have been on the SOUNDTRACK, but KEVIN SMITH is EVIL and didn't arrange to release one. At about this time CARMEN LEE shows up for no obvious reason.

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

(smoking)

I'd like to dedicate that song to that certain special someone, someone whose identity can be expressed in vague enough terms that an egotistical and naive guy I met at a comic convention will think I'm talking about him despite the fact that I've only known him for a few days, and as all of you know from the trailer I'm gay anyway.

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

She loves me.

JOEY, while smoking, leaps down from the stage and starts passionately sucking on CARMEN'S face.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

This is the best movie ever!

The MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS' DATES get up and leave in disgust. Meanwhile, the director's girlfriend and one of the actors' wife, both of whom are straight, continue making out for several minutes.

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

So, um...

(uncomfortable pause)

Hi.

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

Mmrrmph.

EASILY AMUSED LESBIANS IN AUDIENCE

Hey! I'm in the movie!

EXT. SWINGSET

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

(smoking)

Ben, I like you, more than I've liked any guy in a long time. You're the first guy I've met in a while that didn't immediately fall into some stereotype. To reiterate, our friendship hinges entirely on your ability to not digress into stereotypically male behavior.

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

Cool.

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

So if you have any questions, I'd rather not listen to all the awkward subtle hints.

BEN AFFLECK

Are you a virgin?

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

What the fuck!? Have you been paying attention at all?

BEN AFFLECK

But according to the stereotypical guy bullshit, loss of virginity is defined by penetration.

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

That's a bunch of crap.

BEN AFFLECK

So you've never been with a guy?

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

I didn't say that.

BEN AFFLECK

But you answered the virgin question with another question. That obviously was to be interpreted as a yes.

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

Ben, I've been with guys.

BEN AFFLECK

(not listening)

I mean, otherwise you would have just answered yes, right?

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

Ben! I HAVE HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH MEN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

BEN AFFLECK

This is convenient, since my ability to deal with this situation will crumble if I find out that you're not a 'virgin.,' should I ever profess my love for you on some rainy, overly symbolic eve. Thank god you've never been with a guy!

INT. BEN'S CAR ON SOME RAINY, OVERLY SYMBOLIC EVE

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

I love you.

JOEY, smoking, exits the car in a fit of rage. Seconds later she runs back and leaps into BEN'S arms.

VARIOUS SHOTS OF BEN AND JOEY DOING SHIT PEOPLE PRESUMABLY DO WHEN THEY'RE IN LOVE, BESIDES FUCKING

INT. BEN'S APARTMENT

JASON LEE

(smoking)

Hey. Heard something interesting today.

BEN, smoking, looks up from the OBLIGATORY HOCKEY VIDEO GAME to listen.

JASON LEE

Remember Rick Derris?

BEN AFFLECK

Sure. He's been mentioned thirty times in every one of these movies.

JASON LEE

Apparently Joey used to fuck him. And Coey London, another guy from high school. And Willam the Idiot Manchild, from the earlier movies. And her sisters Tricia and Heather. And her cat, Muffy. And former vice president Spiro Agnew. And...

BEN, smoking, beats the shit out of JASON.

AUDIENCE

It's about damn time.

INT. JOEY'S APARTMENT

JOEY and various NOT-AT-ALL STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN CHARACTERS work on the distribution angle of the comic.

EASILY OFFENDED LESBIANS IN AUDIENCE

Dammit!

Unlike the White Hatin' Coon monologue, this scene offends damn near everyone.

INT. HOCKEY ARENA

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

By the way, Joey, have you ever, um..

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

(smoking)

YES! YES, GODDAMN YOU! I FUCKED RICK DERRIS! AND COEY! AND THE GUY FROM THE PUBLISHERS' CLEARING HOUSE! AND THE ENTIRE LPGA TOUR WHEN THEY PASSED THROUGH NEW YORK!

BEN AFFLECK

Actually, I was going to ask if you had ever thought about signing with one of the bigger indie labels like Vertigo or Image. But your question seems much more interesting, I agree.

They BREAK UP.

INT. THE DINER

JAY and SILENT BOB enter.

KEVIN SMITH FANS IN AUDIENCE

(smoking)

It's about fucking time!

SILENT BOB

(smoking)

Ok, here's what you need to do. Forget about all this shit, it isn't relevant to the person you're in love with. Repeat, none of it matters, she was a different person then. Do NOT hatch some idiot plan involving Jason.

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

Yeah. Whatever.

INT. BEN'S APARTMENT

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

Ok, we all need to have sex.

JASON LEE

(smoking)

Didn't they try that in Threesome?

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

Shut up.

JASON LEE

And doesn't this go against what the Writer/Director, whose experiences are clearly NOT the basis for this storyline, told you in the previous scene?

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

(smoking, crying)

Screw you guys, I'm going home.

JASON LEE

Me too. Stay the hell away from me, dude.

INT. COMIC CONVENTION, ONE YEAR LATER

ETHAN SUPLEE humiliates himself. Again. He also advances the plot, specifically the fact that BEN and JASON ended the comic and haven't spoken since. BEN flashes JASON a comic and gives him a thumbs-up from across the room, indicating that apparently there's still hope for their friendship. He then walks over to JOEY.

BEN AFFLECK

(smoking)

Hi. I wrote something based on our experiences together, a none-too- subtle attempt to communicate that I now understand what Silent Bob was talking about in that seen.

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

(smoking)

Aww, how sweet.

PETER RAUCH

By the way, this actually works in real life. No one knows why.

BEN AFFLECK

So, I've fucked up the two most important relationships in my life, but there's hope that I may be able to deal with these things now and regain my closest friends.

AUDIENCE

Wait a minute. Didn't that happen in Clerks?

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

(smoking)

Yeah. See, Clerks' focus was irony. This one's realism. The point is that life more often reflects the bizarre than the predictable. This is why Mallrats, which was based in idealism, ended with the protagonist taking over hosting duties on the Tonight Show.

AUDIENCE

Whatever. You just couldn't think of an ending.

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

Oh, and endings are SO IMPORTANT to you, right? You, the assholes who made The Blair Witch Project the most profitable movie of all time?

AUDIENCE

Ok, ok, sorry.

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

Besides, this is new!

ILLEANA DOUGLAS, upset at having her scene deleted, wastes the entire cast and crew with a machinegun.

AUDIENCE

No, that also happened in Clerks, you just deleted the scene.

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

Fuck!

END