FADE IN:

EXT. NONDESCRIPT MOUNTAIN

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA is beating the shit out of someone.

STEVEN HO

Ow! Fuck!

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA

Your soul is mine, for I am the shapeshifting shadow priest Shang Tsung! Muwahaha!

MORTAL KOMBAT FANS IN AUDIENCE

Wait a minute. He's young-looking? That didn't happen until MK2. This movie's been on for thirty seconds and already they've contradicted Tobias' original story twelve times.

NON-MORTAL KOMBAT FANS IN AUDIENCE

The game had a story!?

CARY jams his hand into STEVEN, presumably to remove the giblets.

EXT. SHAOLIN TEMPLE

ROBIN SHOU shows up. He's the only Asian guy in the cast who isn't evil or dead, so we assume he's LIU KANG.

ROBIN SHOU

Hi, grandpa.

LLOYD KINO

It was good of you to come. Your brother has been killed by thugs from a Hong Kong drug empire.

ROBIN SHOU

Huh? I thought my brother was killed by an evil soul-sucking sorcerer in the service of a despotic warlord from another dimension trying to take over our world by means of a martial arts tournament devised by the elder gods thousands of years ago.

(to the audience)

Which I don't believe in, by the way!

LLOYD KINO

Oh yeah. I get forgetful sometimes. Anyway, he's dead.

ROBIN SHOU

I will avenge him!

LLOYD KINO

Shang Tsung's gonna kick your ass with that attitude.

ROBIN SHOU

So what? I don't believe in any of this.

A PEASANT GUY IN A COOL HAT shows up.

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT

(Peter Lorre/Ren Hoëk accent)

You must accept that your brother fought of his own will. If your soul is heavy with guilt, you will die.

ROBIN SHOU

Who the hell are you?

LLOYD KINO

That's Rayden, fucker! Show some respect!

ROBIN SHOU, as the noble, honorable protagonist, attacks what appears to be a CRIPPLED, SIXTY-YEAR-OLD PEASANT. And loses.

INT. TECHNO CLUB

One of the 43 techno songs, only 9 of which will appear on the SOUNDTRACK, plays.

ANDY WACHOWSKI

Larry, WE should do that in OUR quasi- religious martial arts action movie!

BRIDGETTE WILSON and GREGORY MCKINNEY enter, firing randomly.

GREGORY MCKINNEY

(as Ralph Wiggum)

I'm Jax!

BRIDGETTE WILSON

(grabbing an EXTRA)

Where's Kano!?

TREVOR GODDARD

Aye, I'm Kano.

BRIDGETTE WILSON

No you're not. Kano's a master assassin and member of an elite international crime syndicate. You're an oafish Australian stereotype.

TREVOR GODDARD

Arr. I'll kill ya, and then we'll put a shrimp on the barbie!

BRIDGETTE WILSON

Couldn't you at least be an INTERESTING stereotype?

Meanwhile, CARY manipulates LINDEN ASHBY into joining the tournament, which is strange, since you'd think SHANG TSUNG would have a vested interest in having skilled warriors stay the hell AWAY from the tournament. It's also odd in that JOHNNY CAGE has no ties to TSUNG or the tournament, and really has no business being there. For a change, this part is EXACTLY LIKE the games.

EXT. HONG KONG DOCK

Our HEROES get on a big giant boat. The BOW is shaped like the MK logo. This is the 94th time the logo has been shown. Suddenly, SUB-ZERO and SCORPION appear!

NON-MORTAL KOMBAT FANS IN AUDIENCE

What the fuck!?

They DIE.

MORTAL KOMBAT FANS IN AUDIENCE

What the FUCK!?

Having KILLED the most interesting and most popular characters in the series, the story, what's left of it, moves on.

INT. COOL SET DESIGN

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA

Behold, Goro, Prince of Kuatan, 7th Astral Plane of the Outworld, ruler supreme of Shokan's armies!

GORO enters. Despite the fact that his ARMS are too high up on his body, he looks COOL.

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA

Oh, this is Kitana.

TALISA SOTO

Hi.

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA

And this is Reptile.

REPTILE

Hissss!

(pause)

Wait a minute. I was a hidden character! I deserve better than this non-speaking CG shit!

BRIDGETTE kills TREVOR via a GRATUITOUSLY SUGGESTIVE move she borrowed from AEON FLUX.

LINDEN kills GORO by pushing him off a cliff, after a GROIN PUNCH borrowed from ENTER THE DRAGON, like everything else in the movie.

ROBIN kills REPTILE. Twice. Finally, he challenges CARY.

ROBIN SHOU

I challenge you, sorcerer!

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA

He already mentioned that. You're a swift one.

ROBIN SHOU

Shut up! You have a girl's name!

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA

So do you!

They FIGHT. Meanwhile, the screenwriter finally manages to work in THE PIT. CARY is impaled, and as the imprisoned souls escape, the GUY FROM THE OPENING appears.

STEVEN HO

Goodbye, Liu.

ROBIN SHOU

Hold it. My name is supposed to be Liu Kang, right? And I'm Chinese?

STEVEN HO

Um...

ROBIN SHOU

That means you're referring to me by my last name, which would be a strange way for brothers to address each other. Speaking of which, why are my parents named Kang also?

STEVEN HO

Never mind that. I'm dead, remember? And now I'm saying goodbye. This is emotional.

ROBIN SHOU

Goodbye, Chow. I mean, Chan.

The SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET runs out, and the souls dissipate.

LINDEN ASHBY

Wow. Everything turned out ok!

BRIDGETTE WILSON

I love you, Johnny!

LINDEN ASHBY

I love you too, Sonya!

MORTAL KOMBAT FANS IN AUDIENCE

That's it, I'm leaving.

END